Well, as the subject says I’m back here again. I know this post may be long and rambling. I will try to keep it as precise as I can. Feel free to ask any questions. I’m here for support and the best advice on how to move forward. I was with my exwbpd fiancée for a little over 2 years total now. We had broken up in February of this year after being discarded. It was devastating. For me, for her, and for her 2 children who believe I’m their father (they have known no one else as dad). While we were broken up I was an absolute train wreck. There was a ton of unstable and push/pull behavior on her end. One minute she wanted to talk to me. The next I was bad and the kids were scared of me etc. I started to see a therapist and I read a lot on this site and the literature out there on how to navigate a relationship with someone with bpd. After 4 months of push pull I told her I was moving on that I couldn’t wait around while losing self respect for someone that can’t say if they want to commit to me. After I sent that text, a week later she reached out with serious efforts to reconnect. She used guilt trips involving her kids and my mom who passed away. So we started talking again in June. . We got back into a relationship in July and reengaged in august. In the early parts of this relationship I found out she lied to me about sleeping around while we were single. Her sisters actually ratted her out because she was making passive aggressive jokes about me sleeping around. I decided to try to stay and forgive her because I do love the person she is behind bpd and her kids were seriously traumatized after we broke up. They were terrified of being alone. And they would cry every night because they were scared I would leave again at first. It’s one of the reasons I jumped back in as quick as I did. All of the heavy duty bpd impulsiveness was on full display this time around. We got a matching couples tattoo a couple months in for example. I’m not sure if this was to prove her love to me, to brand me or a little of both. Some of the things she has said to me makes me think it is both. Something that was different this time was her angry streak was much more apparent than before. In our previous relationship her fear of being abandoned was the biggest obvious sign of bpd. This time it was that and rages. We would go from a minor disagreement to her threatening to call the police on me and telling me to get out so fast. It’ made me head spin. Considering I really worked hard in therapy on deescalation techniques and not fighting her fire with my own temper. I would rarely raise my voice to her this time around. We did fight less this time but when we did argue, it would almost always escalate to an extreme. Over the past month we have both been very stressed with money because of a couple of unforeseen major expenses and Christmas upcoming. This leads us to Sunday. She was mad at me first because I didn’t leave with her right away to go to a family members to hang out before a Christmas party. There were chores to do at home which were my responsibility. When I got there I asked that we not stay all night because I had to work the next morning and it was a school night for the kids. She freaked out when I said I wanted to go home when the party was over and not stay after. She kept arguing with me through text while we were there. During that I said I didn’t want to argue with a child. Which in hindsight I regret. It set her off. Then she noticed while we were there I changed the passcode on my phone. Which I did because everyone I know knows it. I told her what I changed it too. When we got home she tried to make me apologize for calling her a child. Which I was hesitant because I believed it. As a response to my hesitation she got sent into a rage. Yelling. Calling me every name in the book. Throwing all the Christmas gifts I bought for the kids at me. Throwing her engagement ring at me. Telling me to get out. To which I refused. I told her it was my address i had every right to be there. She threatened to call the police on me, which I said go ahead, I literally have done nothing wrong. I haven’t even raised my voice at you. She kept rage texting me that night while I slept on the couch. The next morning I texted her I forgave her and I told her her ring was on our fire place. While I was at work she changed her relationship status and removed all my pictures from social media. She texted me to come get my things. When I asked why she said I was deceitful and lying. While she was going through my things she found a paper that I had a hearing missing a class for the dui I had gotten a few years back. I didn’t tell her about it because I was scared of how she would react. I left work to get my things. While I was there I told her to give me the ring back. And she reluctantly did. She looked sad. She made a comment that “you don’t want a $70 video game but you want the ring”. While I was leaving I said out of fear and anxiety that there was no reason for us to speak after I left”. I was scared to death of the games she played the last time we broke up.that night I texted her begging (I know I know. I have anxiety it’s my default) her response was “ you want as little to remind you of me as possible there’s no reason for us to speak after you leave”.what I said mimicked back to meAfter a couple days I tried to talk to her because her mortgage cleared out of my account. I found out she blocked my number. I texted her from my work phone saying that was unnecessary and she said “well you blocked my number so”. Just petty. The next day she got the mortgage situation straightened out. And she sounded like she was willing to here me out. So I layed out why we shouldn’t just call it quits. For the sake of her kids. For our engagement. For our finances. Because we have those matching tattoos. For all the love we shared. For her just to say no because I’m not stable and I lie to her. It almost felt like she enjoyed making me feel heard just to tell me no. She ignored me the rest of the night. Today I asked her if she thought about everything I said the other night. She ignored it. It made me mad. So I said a few things which I now regret. They were pretty
PLEASE READty but I believe it. She responded by saying she would ship my box of important documents that I was supposed to pick up and that she was blocking my number again. I’m not sure if she actually did or not. Honestly I don’t know what to think anymore. I know for a fact I would get back together with her which is why I’m posting here. I just don’t know if she’s going to attempt to recycle again or not? I feel like she probably will. Gut feeling. Just how firm she is on cutting ties this time makes me second guess that. I don’t know what I could have done differently. If anyone has some guidance or words of support it would be much appreciated.
