Do you ever see a rake and decide - screw it, I'm stepping on that thing with BOTH feet?
Well, that's what happened yesterday. My BPD mom has been in a fairly good mood - at least toward me - for the last week or so. Mostly because her birthday was this week and she got the thing she always wants - undivided attention.
Yesterday that changed because I am done lying about things I should not have to lie about. I was spending time with my dad on Christmas Eve and she was just going to have to get over it. Now, this is not a situation where dad was absent for a big portion of my life or anything like that, in fact, given her illness he has been the most consistent person in my life. The problem is, my mom has maintained ever since their divorce that having any form of contact with him is a supreme betrayal of her because he hurt her. Almost every conversation can turn into how much she hates him and my brother who she views as having sided with him. I am used to her constant victimhood and need to be play the martyr and it just doesn't phase me anymore.
So how it happened - she loves to ask what I am doing to which I invariably give her something vague because if I were to say I am doing nothing she would hit me with "well, you could come visit your mom..." and then start in how lonely she is and that no one cares about her - a wonderful trip down Guilt-trip lane. Recently she accused me of hiding stuff from her because I wont tell her what I am doing - I'm nearly 30 years old, I don't have to tell my mom what I am doing. So I decided that if she wants to play like that, I'll play her game but she wont like it. She asked what I was doing for Christmas Eve trying to pry into it to see if she could get me to come down on Christmas Eve as well as come on Christmas Day. I told her I was having lunch with them and she got silent and pissed. I followed up by asking her if she would rather me lie to her - she's always accusing everyone of lying to her so she need to pick a lane. I can lie to her or tell her the truth. Now she's flying off the handle and is a short step away from "cancelling" Christmas. the only reason she wont do it is because she has gifts to receive. Rest assured though, I will be hearing about how she was all alone on Christmas Eve and no one loves her because my brother and I wont disown our father and publicly berate him as a horrible human being. This is why she can't know I am on PTO next week!
On the bright side - not trying to sort out her emotions and just letting her be as miserable as she wants to be has allowed me to focus more on my own personal life. Someone came back into my life just as my cathartic journey started and I think I am ready to drop the "I just don't have the time for a relationship" excuse that I have used for the last decade.
