Lost

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I’m ashamed of myself grief stricken and I don’t know what to do. I’m married but had a 6 month intense affair with a woman a lot younger than me who had BPD but I never realised until too late when I was hooked and madly in love. She took her own life 3 weeks ago after she broke up with me. I’ve read everything about BPD relationships since. She was my one true love we were going to live together. She was highly intelligent, beautiful, funny and full of life. She was also very emotionally abusive to me,  rollercoaster, classic BPD level. I’m lost. My wife knows she’s devastated blames this girl but really it’s all my fault I took advantage of a vulnerable person without realising and unintentionally fell in love and couldn’t get out. I just wanted to make her happy as a good friend after her horrendous abusive neglected childhood. She had no friends, virtually no family and was so alone. I thought I could help fix that. It turned into more than a friendship I wish it hadn’t she might still be here. Life seems pointless now, I’ve never known love like I had for her. How do I carry on.

[Paul G]

I’m ashamed of myself grief stricken and I don’t know what to do. I’m married but had a 6 month intense affair with a woman a lot younger than me who had BPD but I never realised until too late when I was hooked and madly in love. She took her own life 3 weeks ago after she broke up with me. I’ve read everything about BPD relationships since. She was my one true love we were going to live together. She was highly intelligent, beautiful, funny and full of life. She was also very emotionally abusive to me,  rollercoaster, classic BPD level. I’m lost. My wife knows she’s devastated blames this girl but really it’s all my fault I took advantage of a vulnerable person without realising and unintentionally fell in love and couldn’t get out. I just wanted to make her happy as a good friend after her horrendous abusive neglected childhood. She had no friends, virtually no family and was so alone. I thought I could help fix that. It turned into more than a friendship I wish it hadn’t she might still be here. Life seems pointless now, I’ve never known love like I had for her. How do I carry on.

[SaltyDawg]

Paul G,

   Thank you for coming to BPD Family, we are here to listen to you and support you.

   Having your affair partner with BPD commit suicide, and then having your wife find out about it can be exceptionally devastating.

   Probably the best thing you can do right now for yourself is to find a licensed therapist and work with them on both the grief (loss of affair partner, and perhaps the potential loss of the relationship with your wife too) and understanding what it is like to be in a relationship with a borderline.

   While you will have to answer for your indiscretions to your wife which will make your recovery much more difficult.  Please know, that while you might have been the trigger for the suicide, you did not cause it, you could not control it, nor could cure it, and you have found out the hard way it is one of the more deadly mental health illnesses out there - I am sorry for your loss.  Her taking her own life, was her decision, not yours, even though I am fairly certain you might think otherwise - and a licensed therapist is the best way to go on this.  If you find yourself thinking of suicide for yourself, especially late at night, reach out to 988 (voice & text) or 741741 (text only).

   https://margalistherapy.com/articles/borderline-and-narcissism-issues/handbook-for-dealing-with-a-bp-np/ summarizes on how to deal with a pwBPD, and there is a book that can give you a lot of insight into your own contributions to this dynamic.

   The love you describe is more intense than a normal relationship from a phenomena known as 'love bombing' where she mirrors to you the ideal person that what you want, it is incredibly intense and forms a 'trauma bond' - both are topics best dealt with a licensed therapist as these are incredibly difficult to recover from.

   My heart goes out to you, as you likely thought you were helping out someone in need and 'unintentionally fell in love' with them.  Let me know if you are willing to explore this aspect more.

   In the meantime while you are sourcing out a licensed therapist for yourself, to process your grief, trauma bond, and potentially other issues too, be sure to do self-care whatever that may look like for you.

   Take care.

SD

[Pensive1]

Welcome to BPD Family.

My heart goes out to you for the overwhleming pain you're going through right now.

I would second SD's advice to find yourself a good therapist. That's invaluable in dealing with, and healing from, a situation such as yours.

Many communities have suicide loss support groups that meet regularly. That can be very helpful when a loved one is lost to suicide. And there are books that can help in coping with this. Reading books such as "Why People Die by Suicide" helped me in dealing with the suicide of my brother in law, whom I cared deeply about and who had BPD. BPD is thought to have the highest completed suicide rate (~10%) of any mental illness. Yes, your affair partner was vulnerable, but we don't have control over other people, and as Kierkegaard said, "Life Can Only Be Understood Backwards, But It Must Be Lived Forwards."

Re: "She was my one true love." As SD noted, the initial stages of a romance with someone with BPD can feel like obsessive, overwhelming, ideal love, given how BPD plays out. There's a fantasy element to it, that's lost over the longer term, where you would be devalued and increasingly be seen as a persecutory object.

There was a point in my life where I was in overwhelming pain, and the only way I got through it was by reciting the Serenity Prayer to myself every few minutes. I don't know the extent to which something like that would be useful for others, and I'm not generally into prayer myself, but that particular prayer contains some useful thoughts (radical acceptance, and changing the things you can).

Take care of yourself.