Need advice about my brother with BPD and alcoholism

[no_more_yelling]

Hi, everyone,

I'm so glad I found this forum. My brother (52) hasn't been officially diagnosed with BPD, but he has all 9 traits. He has tried to commit suicide once (almost succeeded and was on dialysis for 3 months after that). He gets drunk every day, and at least once a week (sometimes more), he gets drunk and screams he just wants to die, he wants us to get a gun and shoot him.

My father just died of leukemia on the 20th, 4 days ago, and today, Christmas Eve, he's drunk and raging. One of our neighbors (who we have never met) came over and brought some chocolates, and asked us to have a quiet christmas. Basically, she let us know they can hear all the screaming, and they are begging us to keep it quiet for Christmas. I told her my dad just died and my brother was an alcoholic. She said she was, too (I could tell she was drunk), but she still wasn't very sympathetic, and I do not blame her one bit.

My father was so sick for a year that he couldn't leave the house, so I created a sancturary in his bedroom, with a TV and a recliner. We spent most of our time back here, away from my drunk brother. (My dad wanted to kick my brother out, but my mom wouldn't let him.)

Now, my mom and I are locked in her bedroom, watching TV, because after the neighbor came over, my brother started raging again. He has physically attacked me a few times, and today, he got physically intimidating with me again. He is about a 9'' taller than I am (I'm 5'2'' female) and he gets right in my face, clenches his fists, and screams "I"m going to murder you!!" He also says he's going to crush my skull, kill me, etc... Why? Because he hears me talking to my mom about him. We're trying to figure out what to do with him.

I told my mom that I put up with my brother's drunkenness for a year or two because I was taking care of my dad, but I'm not going to put up with this much more.

We do not know what to do since he has BPD and alcohoilsm. He's been to 30 day rehab twice, got kicked out twice at the very end. He's been to detox about 20 times, and drinks the day he gets back. He's been in the hospital about 15 or more times for pancreatitis. (I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm not.) He's also been in an actual psych hospital for a few days (because we pressured him to check himself in), but they always give him medicine that makes him crazy. (He may be bipolar, too...I don't know....one psychiatrist thought he was, and another one just said he has disordered thinking.)

The psychiatrists here in the hopsital REFUSE to talk to family members, so we can't tell them the hell he's put himself through and he's put us through. They say it's patient's right to have privacy. And he's so good at pretending that he's fine, that they always let him out after a few days.

But that's not the worst. The worst is that this past year, he's started getting Warneke's encephalopathy (due to thiamine deficiency caused by drinking), and we think he now also has Korsakoff's syndrome (encephalopathy sometimes turns into korsakoff's) becaues he has all the symptoms of it. (He falls down, can't balance, can't remember anything, and he confabulates (makes up stories, which they do, because he can't remember the truth.)

My mom doesn't want him to be homeless, and neigther do I, but we don't know what to do.

We were in here watching TV, and he came and pounded on the door.

He keeps asking us to buy him a gun. My dad actually had one (for emergencies) but after he died, I took it out of the house. (He doesn't know about the gun, but it's not in the house, it's locked up somewhere else now.)

So, here is my question - for BPD with alcoholism, what is the best course of action? Kicking them out? Forcing them to go to rehab again and again?

My mom and I are mourning my dad (my brother, is too, but he refuses to talk about it) and we can't even have a decent Christmas because he's been raging all day. (Today is Christmas Eve.)

Any pieces of advice about alcoholics with BPD would be greatly appreciated. We have no idea what to do. My mom and brother desperately want to move out of the state (I wouldn't mind moving, too), but how can we when he's drunk every day? He wouldn't be any help at all.

And what are we supposed to do, move to a new city, with him, and let him ruin life for my mom again?

I had to quit work to take care of my dad because my brother couldn't help at all, and I have to get back to work at some point. I can't keep not working to protect my mom from my brother, and she refuses to leave the house when he is raging, because she's afraid he would tear up the house.

Anyway, thanks for listening. Would love some advice. Thank you.

[HappyChappy]

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I'm no expert, but the advice I got with my ex, was to encourage her towards AA meetings, as they're experts and have the better success rates. My ex ignored this until I threatened divorce, then pretended to go. Her family staged an intervention and she still stuck to denial. But she was "functioning" alcoholic (who's lost her driving license).

AA would probably pair your bro up with someone else with BPD , so may feel they better understand ? I wish I could give you better advice,  but your bro sounds more self aware if he accepts the BPD diagnosis and therefore in less denial than my ex. Which can only help.

[no_more_yelling]

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I'm no expert, but the advice I got with my ex, was to encourage her towards AA meetings, as they're experts and have the better success rates. My ex ignored this until I threatened divorce, then pretended to go. Her family staged an intervention and she still stuck to denial. But she was "functioning" alcoholic (who's lost her driving license).

AA would probably pair your bro up with someone else with BPD , so may feel they better understand ? I wish I could give you better advice,  but your bro sounds more self aware if he accepts the BPD diagnosis and therefore in less denial than my ex. Which can only help.

Thank you.

Yeah, unfortunately he's refusing to go to AA, because the last time he went (in another city) "he got sucked into taking a low paying job." I said,  "So don't take a job from anyone. Just go there for support." But he's just making one excuse after another to not get help.

Today, I'm having my mom read the new book, "Stop walking on eggshells for parents" (particularly the chapter about having adult children with BPD) and my mom is starting to give him limits, either get help or get out. This is 1000 times more than she did when my dad was sick with leukemia. She refused to kick him out even though my dad couldn't stand the stress. Maybe she's finally learned her lesson. I don't know...

The only thing I do know is that it's Christmas day here in Arizona, and I'm hiding out in my parents room instead of helping my mom make Christmas dinner, because my brother already pulled a knife on me this morning and threatened to kill me if I didn't stop saying that he has encephalopathy again. (He was complaining that he can't see again, and one of the symptoms of WKS is opthalmic / vision problems. He's been extremely drunk since my dad died, and now he's getting symptoms of Wernicke's encephalopathy/Korsakoff's syndrome....again.)

Some day he's going to have those WKS symptoms permanently, and me and my mom are going to have to take care of him the rest of his life, because people with WKS have NO memories at all, so they can't function in the real world.

 Either that, or he's going to end up in a nursing home or an institution with Korsakoff's dementia/psychosis, in a locked room, where they won't let him leave, and then he'll be miserable, which will make him want to kill himself even more than he already does, if that is even possible.

 

[So Stressed]

No_more_yelling....reading your post, I am more concerned about the personal safety of you and your Mom.  Please make that your priority.  Maybe your brother needs to move out or you need to call the police when he starts threatening your life. The thing about alcoholism is that they need to be ready or want to quit drinking before they are going to go to AA or succeed in any treatment program.  Please consider how you can best take care of your own safety.  Once you and your Mom are safe, then you can be of help to your brother.

[no_more_yelling]

No_more_yelling....reading your post, I am more concerned about the personal safety of you and your Mom.  Please make that your priority.  Maybe your brother needs to move out or you need to call the police when he starts threatening your life. The thing about alcoholism is that they need to be ready or want to quit drinking before they are going to go to AA or succeed in any treatment program.  Please consider how you can best take care of your own safety.  Once you and your Mom are safe, then you can be of help to your brother.

I know. Last night i begged my mom to leave the house when he gets like that, and she refuses to. She said he would think I was abandoning him. She refuses to. I begged her to come back to the back bedroom with me when he starts yelling like that, and she promised she would.

I told her I am going to leave the house when he threatens me again. She said ok.

So this morning when he pullled a knife on me, I gathered up my stuff and was going to leave in my camper van, but then I thought - I can't leave her on Christmas, 5 days after my dad died. What if she has a stroke? My brother won't call 911. So I went back to to the bedroom. I begged her to come back with me and she said she would.

But now, she's back to even denying he's drunk, which is what she did this entire past year. So she won't even come back to the back bedroom with me. And she just keeps rpessuring him and pressuring him, and she doesn't understand that she makes him worse when she does that...

If she's going to go back to being in denial that he's drinking every day, there is no way I can live with her, because she ended up screaming at ME again. I'm not allowed to say he's drunk.

But today, when

[anon331312]

Your mom's in denial and an enabler. Make one last best effort to save her. If she doesn't take it, save yourself.

As for your brother, he's a lost cause 52 years old and threatening violence repeatedly. One day I am afraid he may actually hurt you. It's your life or his life. You likely can't get both. Your choice. It sucks I know, but that's life.

My sister is not extreme as you but we are at the point of leaving her to live on her own (with financial aid). It sucks to see happy family with supportive siblings who have happy Christmas together when you are tied with some pathetic parasites who feeds on you and ruins everything possible. but again, that's life. We can't wallow in our misery and must find a compromise that works for us.

[anon331312]

Also, I am not sure if anyone said this to you but you are the champ!

[TelHill]

Am very sorry to hear about your brother.  If you and mom haven't tried this, Al Anon meetings are 12 step support groups for loved ones of alcoholics.  There's CoDA as well and I go to their meetings. It's good for me to remember the 3C's: I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. 

I'm concerned about his threats too. He's a danger to you guys and to himself.  It would be helpful to have your phone on and on yourself 24/7.  Hopefully nothing will happen but always good in case you need to call in case of emergency. 

This may not work for you, but if this were my situation I would try to find ways to get him out of the house. This situation sounds untenable.

[Mommydoc]

no_more_yelling, this is very scary, and I agree with prioritizing yours and your mothers safety. Your mother is in denial and may not make the right choice; the situation is also complicated by grief and the holidays, both triggers possibly for your brother and perhaps clouding your mother’s judgment. I have dealt with friends and family members with BPD as well as addiction, but not in the same individual. It is hard to know which disease is driving your brothers current state, but it doesn’t matter.  AlAnon is really helpful and might really help both of you, and particularly your mom, with radical acceptance needed to take actions to assure both of your safety. Please stay in touch and seek support here as often as needed. Holding you and your family in my thoughts.

[no_more_yelling]

no_more_yelling, this is very scary, and I agree with prioritizing yours and your mothers safety. Your mother is in denial and may not make the right choice; the situation is also complicated by grief and the holidays, both triggers possibly for your brother and perhaps clouding your mother’s judgment. I have dealt with friends and family members with BPD as well as addiction, but not in the same individual. It is hard to know which disease is driving your brothers current state, but it doesn’t matter.  AlAnon is really helpful and might really help both of you, and particularly your mom, with radical acceptance needed to take actions to assure both of your safety. Please stay in touch and seek support here as often as needed. Holding you and your family in my thoughts.

Yeah, we've both tried numerous al-anon groups over the years. I think I've been to 10 different groups, trying to find one that I resonate with, and I just don't. I do really enjoy listening to to al-anon speakers on YouTube. I guess I get frustrated with 20 minutes of talking aobut the rules, the traditions, etc... and then everyone gets like 1 minute to speak. And sometimes you'll have someone who talks for 15 minutes about something really stupid....and I just get frustrated.

Plus, none of the families seem nearly as bad as ours. If it was just alcohol, I could easily deal with that. But my brother has so many mental and physical problems...nobody seemed to have it as bad as my family did. And they would look at me as if I was crazy when I told them the things that went on in our house.

[SaltyDawg]

I get more benefit from going to NAMI group meetings, than I do from the 12-step ones, such as AA, ACA, CoDA, etc.

[CC43]

Yelling, thanks for sharing. I’m worried for your safety. In my experience, drugs and alcohol seem to make BPD worse.

Holdingontohope had a fantastic post in the Children section of this site. The post was about estrangement from her son. At the end there was a link to a segment by Dr. Laura. I found that link insightful.

[CC43]

Yelling, I'm following up with the link that Holdingontohope posted in another thread.  I listened and found it to be helpful.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dr-lauras-deep-dive-podcast/id1217521047?i=1000637795898

Your situation sounds difficult and volatile, and I feel for you. 

[HappyChappy]

... Yeah, unfortunately he's refusing to go to AA, because the last time he went (in another city) "he got sucked into taking a low paying job." ...

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead, and all that. I've lots count of how many times I was told that leaving my alcoholic wife was all she allowed me to do. Oddly enough, when my daughter stopped driving her around she still found a way to live. You can do only so much. It must be hard for your mum, as I'm not sure I'd have abandoned my adult kids, maternal/paternal instinct and all that. But you don't have to be involved.

[HappyChappy]

ps  when my ex was living alone, her family paid her their first visit in 20 years, to attempt an "intervention". No one knows if it worked, but her skin is grey and hanging of the bones, the effects of alcoholism abundantly evident.

There's a comedian called John Mulaney who's got a Netflix special "Baby J" about his intervention involving big named stars. Your bro might relate ? Mulaney is considered one of the top comedic talents of the moment (State side), and this his best Netflix Special,  if you need an alternative reason to watch it.