Can you truly ever get back trust

[Cool Dady]

Would like some insight from anyone who has worked through with a SO diagnosis and have reconciled their relationship - does it ever truly become "normal"?  In the back of your mind, do you ever truly feel like you love them and are equal partners and can trust them?

Background - married 18 years with 3 wonderful children.  Around year 4 of our marriage, a counselor indicated that he thought she was BD and suddenly everything clicked.   (Which was interesting how he was rather confident and picked up on it, as subsequent counselors didnt).  Fast forward to this year - worst year of my life: my own cancer diagnosis, middle child with major behavioral issues, job problem, etc...  She says she will support me through cancer and just like the rest of her life, she can't be relied upon (volunteers to arrange hotel reservations and forgets, argues about my spending and staying at a hotel with parking garage and $15 fee, .... etc.).  Then she lets me down big time: about 3 months prior to me receiving treatment, Father's Day weekend get into an argument over dinner and threatens to leave me (which she has done over a dozen times prior).  That gets somewhat reconciled with a weak apology.  A few weeks later we make plans to drive to Texas so I can get cancer treatment, and she comes back 1-2 weeks prior (in front of the kids) asking if she really needs to go as "it doesnt sound like that much fun for her and the kids".

Since October I have been living 4 hours away in a tiny house with the family's cats getting the family and house ready to move over Christmas break to join me and my new job.  Fast forward to a week ago.  We get into a relatively minor fight and demands on Dec 23 that we seek a separation.   No discussion about this prior... and I am pressured into telling the kids (or else she will do it behind my back and who knows what she will say).  I let the kids know we love them, its not their fault, etc .... I give my wife an opportunity to talk (thinking she would also help the kids with this out of the blue bombshell) and instead says, "of course we will have to figure out what to do about the cats!".  Evening of Dec 24 I show up with gifts for the family and she is upset because our middle child misbehaved when she was taking a nap and she didnt know how to discipline him and waited 1.5 hours until I came home.  She insists that before I leave we have to have a discussion.  I agree, but am not willing to until after the kids get to open their gifts tomorrow morning (as I know that there's a chance she may blow up and kick me out), and frankly I havent been sleeping well and I need some rest.  Next morning as agreed, the kids are getting ready to open their gifts, she starts tearing up and says that we need to have out talk.... kids start crying.. so I relent.  She indicates that she is done with the abuse and with movers coming tomorrow, closing on our current house in a week, closing on the new house the following day, she demands that I acknowledge that I am abusive and seek treatment or else she will not sign the mortgage papers and not move (and cannot give me an example of me being abusive). Again, I am living in a tiny house four hours away, with 75% of our stuff in storage and an employment contract which says that I have to have the family fully moved by spring (they had bad history of people trying to do remote work), and I get her to realize that she gets walked over with my middle child and I need to be in the region (at the least) so she is willing to move as long as I get counseling and live separate.  Two days later, I mention that I am looking for a place to live, and she is hurt "because I am focused on living arrangements instead of reconciling with her" (I want to move out of my current month to month lease at a dump to something nicer). 

So this last year has shown me that she is willing to postpone a family move and hold me hostage, and try to get out of supporting me through cancer treatment "because it doesnt sound like much fun".

I'm sure you have had your own horror stories... probably worse than mine, but how do you ever trust them again?  Frankly, a light went off on my head in July that I can't trust that she will ever be there for me, and from Christmas I realized that my feelings for her have dramatically changed, and not in good way.  My biggest complaint has been that she works 20 hours a week and spends most of her time sleeping (remember the incident with my middle child I described above), shopping, watching TV, and playing on her iPhone, and lives a good life while I am earning the money, and doing most of the child rearing.

So I ask this because although I am going to try to bear this out for the sake of the children, I dont know how to move past all of this.  Its not just the emotions and her negativity, she brings so very little into the relationship ("God didnt put me on this planet to clean", and "its too mindnumbing to do housework".).  She didnt even get the kids fully enrolled into the new school and they start next week!  So to me, best case, she works on controlling her emotions.... but its still me earning a living, raising kids, and doing a fair amount of housework.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cool Dady]

Would appreciate any insight.

Thanks everyone

[Rev]

Hi Cool Daddy,

And welcome.  I must say off the bat that I don't fit the profile of someone who "found trust" again. There are specific reasons for that because there was really no coming back from what happened in my relationship.

So that being said, I am writing to welcome you here - and to reassure you that there are some really great people who do have lots to share that fits into the category of what you are looking to learn.

In the meantime, there are some things that are universal to challenging relationships regardless of the cause. 

Maybe I might be able to support you in your own personal growth and decision making. I don't to sound all psycho-analysis-lie-down-on-a-couch but there is something to understanding why we got into the relationship in the first place. One thing is for sure, relationships with pwBPD traits are complicated to navigate and solid self knowledge is key. 

What, if anything, have you read in terms of webpages or books that you have found helpful? 

There is a wonderful book that was referred to me by a clinical psychologist that has a lot of cred in the city I live in.   https://www.amazon.ca/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep/dp/1585429139

It will give you a birds-eye-view about how you form relationships in general.  Therapy will also help you see where you are getting stuck without realizing it.

What do you think?

Hope this helps.

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[Outdorenthusiast]

Welcome!  First, I am glad that you are here, and also sorry that you have had to endure such a difficult Christmastime. 

Trust is something that is extremely personal and it is a choice. 

Can someone with BPD be there for you? Yes - some are capable with therapy, and if we have extremely strong boundaries, and healthy relationships and families to lean upon.  We cannot expect them to behave like adults.  The have emotions of a child and don’t think logically.  In my experience - emotionally we will always have to be the “parent.”   Some on the other hand - refuse therapy, and also some of us don’t learn how to grow a spine and advocate effectively for our own feelings.

Co-dependency is real, and many of us have to learn how to stop the unhealthy “fleas” we have picked up to compensate for their illness.  I was no exception.

Getting married, dying, and moving are some of the most stressful times in “normal” people’s lives.  Add BPD and you are lighting a match to dynamite.  Every move I have made with my wife has resulted in dissociation, rage, tears, and meltdowns.  However - we have moved, and over time adjustments occur.  Key for me was to keep firm in what I was doing to support her and the family, that I want there with me, that we are in it together.  She has every right to be angry, sad, scared, and every other feeling - but in the end, we need to do what is right for the family.  Doing nothing is not an option.  You leaving and being out of sight is also likely triggering the abandonment fears too.  The push/pull dynamic. 

You are married to an emotionally disabled person, and they must be evaluated through that lens.  Once that concept has been grieved and accepted, then you can decide what is possible to trust.  Regardless of her opinion - therapy is healthy, and has helped me grasp the circus I live in.  You can agree to therapy easily, and she doesn’t have to know why… food for thought.

Feel free to continue to share…

[Gravity Man]

I am not a legal expert, but I have bought and sold a few houses in my life.  I do not think you can just "not sign" closing documents on a house unless you have a good legal reason to do so (i.e. financing fell through, etc).  Changing your mind about what you want to do in life is not a good legal reason.  How did that turn out?