Today…plus what does BPD with bipolar look like?

[dtkm]

Here we go again…my uBPDh and I decided to reconcile and drop our divorce process about 2 months ago. We agreed that we were doing what was best for the kids by doing so and that we would focus on the kids from now on, making sure to treat all equally (we each brought kids into the relationship and then have two kids together, 5 total). Things were going very well. My oldest son, who wanted nothing to do with his stepdad, as he was the one to take the crap if it didn’t come flying at me and he saw/heard all of the abuse throughout the years, had finally started to come around and was actually starting to talk to my uBPDh. This was big considering I walked into a room to find my son cutting himself because of everything he has been through with his stepdad. My husband pointed it out to me how happy he was that things seemed to be going well with them. Well, not so much anymore!  I have absolutely no idea why, but my husband is back in his A hole mood, screaming at me and my oldest son, and now apparently my 9 year old daughter when I left the house.  He has been all over the place for the last couple of days, didn’t sleep last night and then got in bed at about 6 am this morning, I got up about an hour later. My 12 year old son had come in our room as he couldn’t sleep and had fallen asleep on our couch in the room…a very usual thing that happens and is never an issue. At about 8, I hear my son go to his room. I ask him what’s up and he told me dad just told me to leave. So I go in our bedroom, which he had closed the door and he is laying in bed eyes open smiling. I go into shower, he screams at me to turn the shower off he needs to sleep and he needs peace to himself. I told him I have never had that and that it was not my fault that he didn’t sleep last night, that he needs to see a doctor about his troubled sleeping that goes in cycles, interestingly these cycles go with his mood’s exactly. He tells me his not sleeping is because of me and he doesn’t need a doctor then follows me to the bathroom screaming at me about me and my son, etc and that he is filing for divorce again. After I shower, he asks to talk, I refuse as I know talking when he is in this mood will go nowhere, but when I refuse to talk he tells me he sent an email to our therapist saying therapy won’t work, I am too messed up and he is reopening the divorce. Who knows!!  He is literally crazy, 2 days ago telling me how much he loves me, a week ago planning all the date nights he wants to go on I am so amazing he wants to spend every second with me. The worst part is I have no idea what set this off!  Part of me thinks it’s that my son has a ton of friends who he is always hanging out with, and all of the parents say what a great kid he is my husband wants everyone to think the opposite and he is not about anyone in our family leaving the house and interacting with others!  And my son doesn’t give a crap!!  Or it could be that I got my haircut meaning I left the house without him (clearly that means I had about 10 affairs in the 2 hours I was gone right!) Or lastly, it could be that I have decided to get off of his rollercoaster and say “f it” to his rules. I have decided that I can feel whatever emotions I am actually feeling and I do t have to feel his, I can be happy when he is mad if I am happy and I can be mad if he is happy and I am mad. And I am trying to support my kids to do the same. Last thing…if someone had BPD and bipolar what would that look like?  My husband will go from happy, to acting silly, to an extreme silly (usually lasting a day) to the point that is so over the top I don’t understand what is happening (walking around with a paper rolled up like a look through thing going in our faces saying I see you, singing kids songs at the top of his lungs, laying on the couch in the living room completely naked saying he thinks we should all be naked all of the time when the kids we’re sitting right there (he is usually very modest around the kids) those don’t sound over the top as much but the actions are crazier than I have ever seen my kids act, to not nice, to not speaking to anyone but “his” kids (sometimes)(he seems somewhat depressed during this time works out like crazy during this time but also won’t sleep and eats crap all night and often forgets normal things like tonight he forgot to turn the oven off and 2 hours later he realized it was still on, left the sink on after washing his hands in the bathroom once for about 30 minutes until I noticed it) to an awful outburst then back to the beginning. Sorry this is so long, I have decided to focus on me and the kids no matter what he chooses to do, and am actually doing it, but I am trying to understand what the — is going on at the same time!!  Thanks all!

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[Tx44]

I really hope some folks with experience respond to this. In a very similar situation myself and feel like I’ve lost my mind trying to understand the coldness of it all.

[Outdorenthusiast]

Ok - so a tough subject and not an easy one.  The main difference I have experienced of bi-polar w/ BPD is the symptoms similar to what you describe which the crazy highs which can last weeks, and then the depressed, restless, and angry lows which can last for weeks.  This is on top of the explosive and immature emotional responses and fears of abandonment of BPD.  Medication and therapy can help with bipolar to smooth out the extended highs and lows.  If it is onlh BPD without Bipolar the highs/lows seem to turn on a dime, and rarely last more than a day.  Again - disclaimer - this is just my personal experience and I am not a Dr.

What you describe does not seem on the surface healthy for you or the kids - although -  I think you feel that way already.  So “for the kids” excuse I would recommend to be viewed from an external lense-  if it was your kid living in your situation- what would you advise to them?

[SaltyDawg]

Ok - so a tough subject and not an easy one.  The main difference I have experienced of bi-polar w/ BPD is the symptoms similar to what you describe which the crazy highs which can last weeks, and then the depressed, restless, and angry lows which can last for weeks.  This is on top of the explosive and immature emotional responses and fears of abandonment of BPD.  Medication and therapy can help with bipolar to smooth out the extended highs and lows.  If it is onlh BPD without Bipolar the highs/lows seem to turn on a dime, and rarely last more than a day.  Again - disclaimer - this is just my personal experience and I am not a Dr.

What you describe does not seem on the surface healthy for you or the kids - although -  I think you feel that way already.  So “for the kids” excuse I would recommend to be viewed from an external lense-  if it was your kid living in your situation- what would you advise to them?

I agree completely with what OE has said.

In one of my support groups, a girl approached me after the meeting after I shared one of my stories.  The girl identified herself as being diagnosed bipolar, and she suspected she also had BPD (undiagnosed) as both of her adult children were diagnosed with BPD.  I asked her about her manic and depressive episode length and they were several times per year (rapid cycling bipolar) whereas her children were generally hours and occasionally a few days.  In her story these conditions spanned across at least three generations and I was cringing on the inside listening to what she had gone through, and was still going through.  She has a minimum wage job, and could not afford her medications, so her bipolar was not well managed and her family life was extremely disordered to the point where the police knew her, and her children on a first name basis.

In a different support group, I met a man who identified as being bipolar who had a dBPD wife.  His bipolar was well managed with medications, he was a brilliant scientist with a PhD.  However, his wife, also a brilliant scientist with a PhD, had nearly died several times over from her more recent suicide attempts as medicines do not treat BPD.  While both did not exist in the same person in this case, both existed between husband and wife.  Still incredibly messy.

Now, I would like to focus on your son's cutting, this is very serious, it is also a symptom of BPD (self-mutilation, it is in the suicide symptom group).  Right now he is too young to diagnose; however, if he is continually exposed to this kind of home life, there is a high chance that he too will become BPD or something else where self-harm is a symptom.

Your situation is much worse than mine, probably similar to the girl whom I briefly met after a meeting, and I do not wish this on anyone, even my worst enemy.

From what I have observed of bipolar, it can be managed under the close supervision of a licensed professional with medications specifically tailored to that individual's specific needs.  If there is a lack of insurance, it can get really bad.  Something similar can be said of BPD; however, it is much harder to treat, as there are no specific medications that can treat BPD, even though there are some medications to address a specific symptom.

What can you do?  Get help any way you can, you may have to think outside of the box, and do things you don't want to do as it will upset the apple cart.  Get an accurate diagnosis of each member of your family.  Get the appropriate medications, if appropriate and make sure they are taken.  Get appropriate therapy for everyone involved, reach out to NAMI.org your local one, county/parish/city mental health services, the local hospitals, call, if they can't help you, before you ask them if they know of anyone or a local organization who can.

If you don't have health insurance, signup for obama care, and pay the premium as that will be a drop in the bucket of the services you need to receive for your entire family, make sure that you select a plan best suited for your needs.

I'm sure you are at your wit's end.  Please do self-care, whatever that might look like for you, there are plenty of low cost and free options on this.

Disclaimer:  I too am not a licensed professional; however, I do attend several volunteer groups and sites related to mental health predominantly as a peer including BPD Family.

Take care.  Good luck.  You are in my prayers.

SD

[dtkm]

Thank you for the replies!  Sorry that it has taken me a bit to get back to you, I try not to do much on my phone, as I was told by my husband's ex wife that she discovered during their divorce process that he had "tapped" her phone and she would be shocked if mine wasn't.  Thus, I wait until I am at work to respond most times.  Unfortunately, I fully understand the severity of this.  The incident with my son was about 9 months ago, and I had him seen by my therapist immediately and then got him in to see one of his own after that.  Fortunately, that behavior stopped after that me "catching it in action".  I truly believe that my son's response was in response to the treatment from his dad, not my son being BPD.  Which brings me to a topic that I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts on...my son (12 years old, biological father passed away when he was 5) is very successful, in all honors classes getting straight A's, plays for the top sports teams, popular at school, tons of friends whose parents always comment on what a good kid he is, well behaved for a 12 year old (!), but...he is also 12 (or the new 15!) with hormones raging and he doesn't take crap from anyone, he has his biological father's personality of "you piss me off once and I'm done with you", he wants to be with his friends all of the time.  My uBPDh and my 12 year old son used to be very close.  As my son has gotten older, they have grown apart, my husband thinks it is because he doesn't always follow through on the promises he makes to him (or in my opinion he rarely follows through on those promises), but I think it is because of all of the yelling at and accusations that have flown at him and the crap he has had to witness me go through, and hasn't been able to protect me from.  I have come to realize that anything that proves that my son is a good kid will automatically trigger my husband, ie. I am sleeping with every single sports coach that my son has ever had is apparently his justification for this one instance.  I can ignore that impact on me.  My son is at the point that he wants nothing to do with his stepdad, good times and bad.  My husband has mentioned to me at times that he doesn't understand why he doesn't want to hang out when we are all having fun, and when my husband is manic.  I get it and support my son.  I have asked my son to be polite, but outside of that, to be himself.  How do I respond to my uBPDh when he says this to me?  I want to say, "he doesn't want to be around you because you are an a-hole to him often and he is done with you!"  But...I know I can't say that.  One last example, my uBPDh has a thing where everyone has to say "hi" when some one comes home.  But my husband doesn't have to say "hi" when he gets home if he doesn't want to, he often tells my stepdaughter not to say "hi" to any of us if he is in his mood and some of the time he (and my stepdaughter) won't respond when we do say "hi".  My S12 has been yelled at numerous times for not saying "hi" immediately when he walks in the door.  I have talked to my son about this and he says "why should he say "hi" when he won't get anything in return".  I agree, there have been many times where I have gotten nothing in return (this morning when I left for work, I got the complete silent treatment, no bye, have a good day, love you, etc).  Though when I tell my husband that we are sick of doing this when we get no response, he says that has NEVER happened!  Ugh!  I just wish I could video our whole life and replay clips to him when he transitions back!

[Outdorenthusiast]

Sounds like your son has some good boundaries and they should continue to be encouraged.   The anecdotes you shared - changing the rules and double standards (say hi, don’t say hi) is classic crazy making which is typical of the condition.

How do you feel the health of your personal boundaries are?  Do you feel good with how you are being treated? 

Here is a good place to learn some concepts:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Also if you can download a kindle app on your phone (to keep it confidential) and read the book
“Stop walking on Eggshells” - Paul Mason
It is helpful in understanding what you are dealing with, and some tactics on how to maneuver in your situation.

Keep talking and share your feelings…

[SaltyDawg]

Hello dtkm,

I will comment on your comments with my own personal observations...

I was told by my husband's ex wife that she discovered during their divorce process that he had "tapped" her phone and she would be shocked if mine wasn't.  Thus, I wait until I am at work to respond most times.

Phone tapping is illegal.  If you have an android, I can point you to ways to figure this out.  For both iOS and Android, there are two ways for it to become tapped, one is let the person have your phone to look at pictures, and they click a link that installs an ap, side load, the other is you get sent a link to click and you install the app unintentionally.  What to look out for, if your phone is warmer than when you got it when new, and you haven't been using it (screen off).  Listen for clicks, look for screen glitches (temporary freeze of image).  If your battery life is significantly shorter than when it was new (like less than half, it used to last for two days, now it won't for one), some battery wear is expected after a year, but not that much, and it will be gradual not all of a sudden.

What you can do is 1.  buy a new phone, this can be expensive; or, 2.  Do a factory reset after backing up all the photos/videos/contacts/messages from your phone.  Both are a pain in the $$.  Sometimes the factory reset won't work, but it will >90% of the time.  Alternatively, get yourself a burner phone, an inexpensive one from walmart, just so you can do stuff like this.


The incident with my son was about 9 months ago, and I had him seen by my therapist immediately and then got him in to see one of his own after that.  Fortunately, that behavior stopped after that me "catching it in action".  I truly believe that my son's response was in response to the treatment from his dad, not my son being BPD. 

I also have a S12, and he is exhibiting 5/9 symptoms of BPD, he is too young to diagnose, and my son is also copying my uBPDw's behaviors - monkey see, monkey do.


Which brings me to a topic that I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts on...my son (12 years old, biological father passed away when he was 5) is very successful, in all honors classes getting straight A's, plays for the top sports teams, popular at school, tons of friends whose parents always comment on what a good kid he is, well behaved for a 12 year old (!), but...he is also 12 (or the new 15!) with hormones raging and he doesn't take crap from anyone, he has his biological father's personality of "you piss me off once and I'm done with you", he wants to be with his friends all of the time. 

My S12 is the same way in these respects, it sounds your son is very similar to mine.  Except the 'I'm done with you' bit, he is done for a day or two, but then he will return for more punishment, much like I do with my uBPDw - Albert Einstein's version of insanity, where one does the same behavior over and over and expects a different outcome.


My uBPDh and my 12 year old son used to be very close.  As my son has gotten older, they have grown apart, my husband thinks it is because he doesn't always follow through on the promises he makes to him (or in my opinion he rarely follows through on those promises), but I think it is because of all of the yelling at and accusations that have flown at him and the crap he has had to witness me go through, and hasn't been able to protect me from.  I have come to realize that anything that proves that my son is a good kid will automatically trigger my husband, ie. I am sleeping with every single sports coach that my son has ever had is apparently his justification for this one instance.  I can ignore that impact on me.  My son is at the point that he wants nothing to do with his stepdad, good times and bad. 

This is where my S12 differs from yours.  Unfortunately due to my uBPDw's behaviors, I have self-isolated from others so I cannot be accused of sleeping with the other playdate's moms (for my older now D17 when she was 4 yo, it sucks being isolated like that)  My D17 has done this quite a bit to both my wife and me.  So our daughter wants nothing to do with either one of us as she sees a toxic dynamic between my wife and me.  Ironically, my D17 is the only one who has spent time in a mental hospital for her issues, that likely stemmed from my wife's uBPD combined with my emotional and physical unavailability due to my career at the time.  Both are straight-A students, and excel at whatever they do, I know for my daughter it is a coping mechanism to do this, put all of her energy into excelling so she get get the heck out of here and never come back.

My uBPDw is also much smarter than me and was valedictorian when she was in high school.


My husband has mentioned to me at times that he doesn't understand why he doesn't want to hang out when we are all having fun, and when my husband is manic.  I get it and support my son.  I have asked my son to be polite, but outside of that, to be himself.  How do I respond to my uBPDh when he says this to me?  I want to say, "he doesn't want to be around you because you are an a-hole to him often and he is done with you!"  But...I know I can't say that.  One last example, my uBPDh has a thing where everyone has to say "hi" when some one comes home.  But my husband doesn't have to say "hi" when he gets home if he doesn't want to, he often tells my stepdaughter not to say "hi" to any of us if he is in his mood and some of the time he (and my stepdaughter) won't respond when we do say "hi".  My S12 has been yelled at numerous times for not saying "hi" immediately when he walks in the door.  I have talked to my son about this and he says "why should he say "hi" when he won't get anything in return".  I agree, there have been many times where I have gotten nothing in return (this morning when I left for work, I got the complete silent treatment, no bye, have a good day, love you, etc).  Though when I tell my husband that we are sick of doing this when we get no response, he says that has NEVER happened!  Ugh!  I just wish I could video our whole life and replay clips to him when he transitions back!

Regarding the video clip comment, I actually record my wife when she becomes dysregulated (with my cell phone after she taunted me to do so on numerous occasions), even though I do everything in my power to avoid her becoming triggered (walking on eggshells), as I have learned most of her triggers.  I have used these clips to learn my wife's pre-triggers.  I also keep them as evidence to counteract my wife's false narrative (if it comes to legal action, so far we have not).  My wife is aware of the recordings, and it has helped her behave in a much more sane and rational way, even though she still has had episodes of not being rational.  I have offered my wife to let her listen to what she has said, and then she admits it and doesn't want to be reminded.  My wife previously has refused to admit it; however, I have taken steps to prove otherwise - I should never have to do this, but I do.  I am not suggesting you do this, as almost all therapists will advise against this (unless you are specifically planning for a divorce); however, I found it to be empowering, and a good learning experience for myself.

The greeting thing, my wife also does this, I suspect it is part of the fear of abandonment, if you are saying 'hi' than you aren't saying 'bye' - she too has double standards on this and other quirks that she insists all family members maintain (except her).

For my son, when he was in therapy, I shared the yelling and other behaviors my wife had against my son with his therapist, and the therapist gave my son age-appropriate tools for it, even though my son does push back a bit too much against my wife, when they lock horns in an argument.

I am okay with good enough parenting (vs bad parenting) and have taken many steps to mitigate exposure to bad parental behaviors.  My children in the past year was the first time I have seen them cut up and be children, so I know we are heading in a good direction, but it requires leadership by the non-BPD parent to do this.  Biggest thing is to get the children to see healthy interactions of other children's parents and to socialize them as much as the children want to be socialized with.  Seems to be working, even though I need to be a bit stand-off-ish with the other parents, lest I be accused of something inappropriate, so I text everything (document trail to prove innocence) use BIFF on those interchanges, unless I am dealing the the dad's - but it is the moms who do most of the coordinating except on rare occasions.

My wife used to not understand; however, with a lot of therapy she has come a long way (still has a long way to go) about understanding these dynamics.

I wish you the best of luck, and if you want me to talk about any topic more in depth, let me know.

Take care with self care.

SD

[dtkm]

Hi all!  Thank you for the replies, they mean lots to me!  
Outdor...My son has really good boundaries, which I try really hard to support him with, but I struggle with answering his questions of what am I supposed to do when dad comes yelling at me for no reason.  I turn around and walk away, which I suggested to him, but he pointed out to me that he is a kid and that isn't really acceptable for a son to just walk away from a parent when getting "punished".  Which I did agree.  My therapist suggested that I tell him to tell his dad that he was sorry for whatever mistake he made, will try hard not to do it again, but to please not yell at him over it as it was a mistake, ie. I am sorry that I left the light on, I will try not to do that again, but if it does happen, can you please not yell at me over it, it would have been a mistake.  My 5 year old does this all the time naturally.  It usually results in my husband saying that he is not yelling at him, my 5 year old running to me to cuddle and then my husband being mad at me that the kids run to me for comfort, so he switches his mode and starts tickling the kids and chasing after them playfully, so that they have no choice but to interact with him and be back on "good terms".
Do I feel good on how I am being treated...at this moment, NO!  His treatment of me is a roller coaster the typical BPD traits I assume when it is great one moment and hell the next, but overall, no.  I have recently enacted stronger boundaries and feel like I have been pretty good at holding them, the reason why I am feeling like his moods shift to the bad easier and stay that way for longer, as I feel like we are currently in an extinction burst.  My latest, started yesterday, was that I will give you absolutely no attention when you get in this mode, I will focus 100% of my time on the kids and myself.  I read on here a little bit ago, that one felt the most freed when they finally realized that their emotions don't have to mirror those of their pwBPD.  That hit me hard and ever since I have held on to that and have expressed MY emotions all of the time...I am generally a really happy, up beat person, so that is how I interact with life now, sure things hit me and my uBPDh's moods definitely get to me, but I also know that he does these things to get to me, so why take the bate!  He can be as miserable as he wants to be, doesn't mean that I have to be!  Its just remembering this after days on end of this crap.  Right now we are in the "he is a jerk/ignoring me and "my kids" phase, and giving all of his attention to "his kids" and exercise phase".  The next phase is the good phase, but the only problem is that something has to blow up to get there...

Salty...Thank you for your support as well!  I am sure he is watching me from all angles, I have nothing to hide so while it is creepy and crazy, I have nothing to hide!  I had found a box of a camera sitting in his office, no camera inside, then the camera appeared, and now the whole thing is missing.  My phone has been ok for the last couple of months, but prior to that it would over heat often, like just sitting inside I would get a message saying that it needed to cool down before the phone could be used, the battery would drop relatively fast and there would be glitches all of the time.  The same of my sons, so I am pretty sure he is on his phone as well.  As for tiptoeing around to avoid the "cheating allegations", I have done it for years, like I literally couldn't leave our kitchen/living room, if I did, I would get accused.  I couldn't leave the house, I couldn't exercise (which has always been a passion for me), I couldn't get my hair done, I couldn't put laundry away as I wasn't in his line of sight so I was obviously cheating, I couldn't get the mail, I couldn't shower without him getting ready for his day at the same time...and the list goes on for ever!  But I finally realized that it didn't matter, I could tiptoe around all day, I have NEVER intentionally done a single thing to hurt him and I know that, and I would still get blamed...I was washing dishes too long so clearly that meant I was up to something.  So I have recently tried really hard to live the life that I want for myself and for the kids.  I have the kids in all sorts of activities, my oldest  two are out and about all of the time.  We live in a neighborhood where you have to live in the neighborhood to go to the school, which means all of the kids friends are within biking distance.  And we have a great rec center within biking distance too.  My oldest is always with his friends, which makes my husband mad.  I am encouraging my second oldest to do the same.  I just hate that I never feel comfortable enough to have the kids friends over our house.  That's what I want, but I never know what will switch him so I am always very on edge about that.  I want that for my younger 2 kids as well, though they are extremely attached to me and thus I am having a hard time getting them out.
 I have recently been feeling the push to have friends again.  I know that this will throw my husband over the edge, but I am slowly trying to reach out to more and more people just to say "hi".  It is freeing to know that there are actually really nice people out in the world!  I would like to say that both my husband and I are on equal footing for our intelligence, though he does have a higher paying job, by far, (though he grew up in a very rough neighborhood and has a LOT more street knowledge than I do, I have none and he has a ton) which I know is the true source of most of his switching episodes...something happens at work which stresses him out, he is mad, so he must take it out on me.  After most episodes, I will usually hear a story about this and that going wrong at work and I can usually tie it back to an outburst of his.  Currently, we are in a no talking phase.  I act normally, but try to act off of the cues that he gives off, like I usually do his laundry, but lately he has been putting it in a laundry basket in his closet (on and off for the last week), ok I wont do your laundry in that bag, or he grocery shops and makes dinner for himself only, ok, I won't include you in our dinner plans, though I do still ask him if he wants me to set him a place at the dinner table, to which he either will ignore or he will say, ugh no way.  LOL.  Ok!  Then I have a fun dinner with the kids.  Last night he came up to bed, which may have signaled moving to the next stage where he can be in the same room as me...though he is still pausing when I walk anywhere near him as to not have to get too close, and when talking to the kids he calls me "your mom", instead of just "mom"...I swear he is full on crazy.  I don't understand how he thinks this behavior is normal!  Especially when I was the best person in the world 5 days ago!          
 

[SaltyDawg]

dtkm,

   I will quote what you said, and then offer up a different perspective with a suggestion or two...

   Regarding your husband yelling at the children for 'no reason'.  This is how I manage it in my home, I will let both kids know that 'mom has had a bad day' - this is their que to be on 'best behavior', to move do a room where she is not in, and to 'avoid confronting mom at all costs, except when being directly addressed by her, and then they use their version of BIFF to interact with her, they keep it to a minimum.  What you have described is good; however, if I am in earshot of my wife, I will often get up and move physically between them and chime in (sometimes this will piss off my uBPDw) that "mom had a bad day" and if Mom has a valid point, like leaving the light on, I will validate my wife in a normal tone of voice by saying something like "We need to save electricity [the environment, both kids are big on this] please try and remember to turn off the lights when you are not using them" - I affix no blame on my wife nor the children, and the stated goal is to save electricity, as a lot of the times it is my wife who actually leaves the lights on, I will try and give her a hug my wife to distract her from the kids, and let the kids do their own thing away from mom.  Mom felt heard when I acknowledged her feelings, and the kids feel validated when they are reminded to save electricity [environment] and are glad they are not scolded to do so, but receive a gentle reminder from me instead - it is kind of a compromise that works in my family dynamic.  Try different tactics in your family dynamic until you find one that you can live with in your family dynamic that protects your children AND validates your BPDh.  I also actively know my wife's triggers, and if I find a light left on, I will turn it off, and if a door is unlocked (another one of my wife's pet peeves), I will lock it without drawing attention to it.


Do I feel good on how I am being treated...at this moment, NO!  His treatment of me is a roller coaster the typical BPD traits I assume when it is great one moment and hell the next, but overall, no.  I have recently enacted stronger boundaries and feel like I have been pretty good at holding them, the reason why I am feeling like his moods shift to the bad easier and stay that way for longer, as I feel like we are currently in an extinction burst.  

I know this kind of crap treatment is going to be coming from my wife sooner or later - it is a historical pattern that is indicative of future ones.  I have grown accustomed to this kind of behavior, and I just ignore it (radical acceptance / forgiveness), and let it roll off my back, as my goal is to maintain the sanity and peace of my home, and not to appease my uBPDw, unless it helps move us to maintaining the peace.  It took the better part of a year for my wife to come around and is much more agreeable with everyone; however, initiating the boundaries was quite rough, and on some days I felt so defeated and wondered if it was worth it; however, the next day she was just fine - it is all 'crazy making' kind of behavior.  There is one little silver lining to all of this, my children are observing, and reacting to my comparatively healthier behavior, so they will know how to deal with difficult people later on in their adult lives, it is giving them the tools to deal with other 'crazy' people when they are out on their own.  My D17 is currently in transition (spreading her wings to leave the home, she is in early college right now as a freshman), and I have seen her use those tools a few times already, and she manages much better than some of her peers in the same work environments - I am proud of how she has handled herself in difficult circumstances.


Regarding your phones being 'bugged' or 'tapped', based on your description it is almost certain they are being tapped, and what you are describing is indeed creepy and crazy.  The camera story is really suspicious as well.  The cheating allegations that you are on the receiving end are far worse than the ones I have received from my wife, I would suggest starting to document everything from the phone tapping, to the cheating allegations, make recordings of him doing this, I do it with my wife, so if and when she goes completely irrational on me, at least I will have something beyond hearsay to fall back on, and have actual evidence in the form of videos with audio on her unacceptable behaviors.



I couldn't leave the house, I couldn't exercise (which has always been a passion for me), I couldn't get my hair done, I couldn't put laundry away as I wasn't in his line of sight so I was obviously cheating, I couldn't get the mail, I couldn't shower without him getting ready for his day at the same time...and the list goes on for ever!

This is nuts, I would suggest picking one activity you want to resume, and make it a boundary - doing exercise is the one I did with my wife in May of 22, when I told her that I was going to take some time to do self care in the form of exercise to do more rehab on my knee (now that the medical insurance stopped it, and it was no where near 100% recovered), she lost it and attempted suicide (no kidding).  I notified our therapist, I later learned the therapist dropped the ball, and did not admit her for an involuntary evaluation (it was within her power to do so).


My oldest is always with his friends, which makes my husband mad.  I am encouraging my second oldest to do the same.  I just hate that I never feel comfortable enough to have the kids friends over our house.  That's what I want, but I never know what will switch him so I am always very on edge about that.  I want that for my younger 2 kids as well, though they are extremely attached to me and thus I am having a hard time getting them out.

I do the same with my children, the more they are away from the dysfunction at home, the more they can see what healthier interpersonal dynamics look like, I want to expose them to all kinds of dynamics so they are better prepared when they launch their own lives in a few years time.

I have recently been feeling the push to have friends again.  I know that this will throw my husband over the edge, but I am slowly trying to reach out to more and more people just to say "hi".  It is freeing to know that there are actually really nice people out in the world!

There are a lot of nice people out there.  Just so you don't throw him for a loop, I like using the 'seed planting tool' where I would make a suggestion or comment to my wife.  Let that sink in for several days to a week.  The more radical the activity you want to do, you will have to plant a few emotional seeds, and then just do it, without specifically announcing it; however, being mindful that your H tracks your location, you will have to let him know or he will freak out - my wife wants to know every family member's position at all times; however, she hasn't figured out how to track with the cell phone yet, so she insists on texting before one leaves, and one arrives at a destination and reverse it again on the way back - I suspect this stems from their insecurities surrounding the abandonment symptom.

Plant the seed for exercise by telling him you want to exercise again (when he is in one of his better moods/baseline), and if you jog or ride a bike (I ride a bike myself, as that is my go-to self-care where I ride a fat tire e-bike on the mountain next to my house, it is wilderness like on the fire roads with mountain streams, small lakes/ponds, several small waterfalls up to a meter tall each, it is absolutely delightful to stop and meditate there.  I do leave a map up on the computer screen with my intended route, so my wife knows where I am, and then I 'just do it' - I do want to be rescued if I do become incapacitated as there are black bears, coyotes, rattlesnakes among other kinds of hostile wildlife - while I personally have not seen a big cat, there have been a couple of photos of them on the trail cameras that two others have shared with me. 


 I would like to say that both my husband and I are on equal footing for our intelligence, though he does have a higher paying job, by far, (though he grew up in a very rough neighborhood and has a LOT more street knowledge than I do, I have none and he has a ton) which I know is the true source of most of his switching episodes...something happens at work which stresses him out, he is mad, so he must take it out on me.

For my wife, it is 'stress' no matter where that comes from, it used to come from me, now it is the children, volunteer work she does, and her work.  I know what stresses her out, so I handle it, as it is generally a non-issue for me.  Generally anything is out of the normal, an accident, something breaks, a repair needs to be done, anything unexpected, I handle it, otherwise things go south for her, quickly.

I do validate her work complaints (even though I suspect it is her), by telling her "Oh, that sounds so frustrating for you", "I can imagine how that would make you feel angry when _______ does ______".  Reflective active listening, where I only validate her feelings, and not that facts as I don't want those to become her facts that she uses against her co-workers.  Same thing when she complains about the kids or other volunteer workers, etc.  (even when she complains about me, I do the same, I validate her feelings, but not the facts, as the distorted facts often become a false narrative).


"when talking to the kids he calls me "your mom", instead of just "mom"...I swear he is full on crazy.  I don't understand how he thinks this behavior is normal!  Especially when I was the best person in the world 5 days ago!"

Same here, I got a chuckle out of the 'your mom' comment, my wife does the same when she is stressed I am 'your dad' and when she refers to our children, she tells me that are 'your children' - it would seem that our respective spouses operate off the same playbook.

I no longer let my wife's mood swings bother me, it comes with the territory, I generally ignore them, and placate them with validating their feelings only.  I don't talk about the facts supporting those feelings as they are different from my perceptions, until she returns to baseline (good person mode), and I generally will only talk from my perspective, while never mentioning how she is wrong (who likes being told they are 'wrong'?)


Good luck, take care with some self-care ([clears throat] 'exercise' [under my breath, nudge, nudge]), and use baby-steps to take back your life that your pwBPD has stolen from you.

Take care.

SD

[dtkm]

Thanks for your reply SD.  The "your mom/dad/kids" thing cracks me up!  I really never thought that anyone else used that line!  Good to know that I am not alone!  My husband's thing now is when things seem to be good, he becomes very quiet, I will "reach out" with a nice comment or gesture, like I lay down next to him or ask him if I can make him breakfast, etc. (literally a minute before we were having great, loving conversations).  Normal life things, but I can feel the silence turning to tension so I have been reaching out with one of these gestures.  I then get a response of something like "sure, but we need to talk cause things are very bad, after the kids go to bed tonight (its 8 am when this type of conversation happens) lets talk".  I then get on edge, which I know is the desired reaction he is looking for, and tell him that I will not do that (as I have been told by my therapist to not fall for his "talking" bit as he just wants an agreed upon chance to verbally abuse me).  I did set this boundary this weekend, as I announced to him, that I will not "talk" to him about any serious life thing that I do not feel is justified without a therapist present.  He has cancelled all couples therapy attempts, so I doubt that I will agree to do therapy with him again either.  He just said, ok, when I said that.  I have been doing very well walking away in the last 2 to 3 months, as before I would justify, defend, justify, etc and it would be horrible, but this past weekend I jumped on his wagon for a moment, justified, then hopped off relatively quickly.  I am upset at myself for caving at all, but I had to prove the hour that he questioned that I was away from the house that he saw me leave the house on our security camera (yes he is watching my every move) when he was at work, I went to drop something off at a friend's house that he knew I had to do, the bank and the store...and I had all of the receipts with times on it, etc.  And when I was told that the only person who is benefiting from us not getting a divorce is me, I told him that our temporary orders were very much in my favor, so we can go back to those and financially I would be a LOT better off, he wouldn't see his kids for most of the week and we would both have to deal with the physical and emotional tole that was being had when they were living in split houses.  I will walk away next time, I just need to get the truth out sometimes even though I know it makes things worse for the moment.  After a weekend of mentioning divorce several times to me, he jumped the second my tenant called as the furnace stopped working at my rental and he helped me so much, and just like that we were back to life like divorce comments were never made...     

[dtkm]

I forgot another thing...my uBPDh works at a job that is high stress.  Since COVID, he works from home with the requirement to go into the office (last he told me) was 2ish times a week, but he doesn't want to do that as he feels like he gets more work done at home (or he doesn't like to leave the house/me) so he goes in maybe 2 times a month.  Things have been tense at work as new management has come in and turned some things around.  Him feeling stressed about work is understandable to me and I have been trying to support him on this.  At home, he has an office, where he works now (though he used to work in the living room when he wanted to be around me or when "he had to watch me with the kids so that I didn't take my anger of him out on the kids" (ugh)).  We have 5 young kids.  They are loud, I am not a TV watcher, so I encourage my kids to play actively, not just sit on the couch and that is what they do...even if they are playing video games, they are jumping and running and screaming!  He has now told everyone that they need to be quiet when he is working, including I can't do laundry if he has a meeting.  I get that he needs to be able to think, not be disturbed, not sound like he is working at the zoo when on meetings, etc, but kids need to be kids and if he needs it that quiet then I feel like he should go into the office for work!  But, if I said that, I would only be saying that so that I could have all of the millions of affairs that I apparently have, so I can't say that!  But my kids look at me like what are we supposed to do?  And if any of them speaks in a tone slightly louder than a low talk, then I get yelled at as to why I can't keep them quiet!  Ugh...sorry just venting on this! 

[dtkm]

Its been a week, let me tell you!  I don't know if this is an extinction burst or just his new way of life, but ugh!  His old pattern was switch to bad mode on Monday or Tuesday as I work on Tuesdays and switch back to good mode on Fridays.  Then we went to a pattern of essentially good, with a couple bad days thrown in there (that was about 2 months), now we are essentially in a bad mode with a couple of good days/moments thrown in there.  It is exhausting!  The only good thing about it is that it has given me a good amount of practice on just walking away!  Our dishwasher started leaking about 2 weeks ago.  With all of our lawyer bills, etc from our stopped divorce neither one of us has extra cash sitting around.  To me, I am the one who always does the dishes (or everything around the house!) so I am fine washing the dishes, we will get it fixed in a little bit.  No, he needs it fixed now!  He calls a place last week to schedule, they don't have openings for a couple of days. That is not acceptable to him and he yells at the lady and tells her he is canceling if he can't get the appointment on whatever the Wednesday was (though, Wednesdays he is supposed to go into the office for work...and I can't schedule appointments that he needs to be at on a Wednesday...hmmm), he can't so he cancels.  A week or so goes by and he apologizes to me that he knows getting the dishwasher fixed is his responsibility, he said he dropped it and will get it taken care of, then offers to buy paper plates so that I don't have to do so many dishes.  I say its fine, I really don't mind doing the dishes.  He schedules some one to come again, this time they are able to come on a Wednesday (I don't understand the Wednesday thing besides it is an excuse to yell at me if I schedule something and an excuse to have to stay home if he schedules it).  All day he is standoffish, even though I was very nice to him the day before, offering to bring food or meds home for him when he was sick on the day before, taking care of the kids 100% since he was sick and checking in on him often, but you know, I went to work so he had to be mad at me!  The doorbell rings as he walks past me to open the door, he gives me this you are in trouble glare.  Whatever is what I think to myself, I don't know what I apparently did wrong this time, as I am laying down with my now sick from him, kids. The guys give my husband a quote, which was more than it would be to buy a new dishwasher.  Without asking me, he tells the guys we will pass and pays them the diagnose fee.  They leave and he tells me, "when you have extra cash let me know, I will meet you at Lowes and you can buy a new dishwasher".  I should have said nothing, but instead I say, "ok, but we need to split the cost of the new dishwasher as this is not just my house" (mind you, the judge in our temporary hearing made it very clear to him that he is responsible to pay for things at this house even if he doesn't live there by his choice).  He responds by saying, "This is your house, as you will be the one living in it in the future, I am only here for a bit.  Your word means nothing to me!" and storms away!  He then grabs his keys and almost excitedly tells the kids bye, they ignore him and I nicely say "bye". I see him pull down our road and about 3 minutes later he is back home (I am texting my therapist at this point venting to her instead of at him) printing insurance cards for his car (I then realize that he is going to the DMV to hopefully pay for his registration which was due over 6 months ago).  He leaves again.  The kids and I leave to pick up our groceries, he helps bring the groceries in when we get home (like nothing happened).  Dinner rolls around and I tell him dinner is ready, he always accuses me of not making dinner for him when we fight so I make dinner for him even though I know he won't eat it.  He ignores me and does not come to dinner, so the kids and I have a good/fun dinner.  9 pm then comes, I usually lay with my 2 girls and he usually lays with my 5 year old...the 12 year old's usually watch their phones for a bit, my son in his room and my stepdaughter on the couch if she is at our house.  My husband comes out to lay with our 5 year old and immediately says to me as he lays down, "can you tell YOUR son to turn the light off" in a not nice tone.  I laugh and say you are ridiculous, sure I can turn the light off.  Mind you, he and my stepdaughter leave every light on in the house all of the time and it drives me crazy, he doesn't pay the light bill, so he usually doesn't care!  As I get up to do so, I am told tell him he needs to be off of his phone by 10, I say he is doing his homework right now, he tells me he is always on him phone all night, which he probably is, but so is my stepdaughter, she just puts it down at 10 and then goes back on it once her dad falls asleep, yes I have seen it numerous times!  I go upstairs, turn the light off and tell my son that I am going to close his door as dad is on a rampage about him and I don't think it is beneficial for my son to have to hear any of this.  My son tells me that he was just about to come downstairs as he was hungry.  As we are walking downstairs, I hear my husband telling my 3 year old that she can not eat anything, she needs to go to bed.  I get it, its late, but he lets her eat every other night and he is just saying this because he is in his mood and needing to control everything.  She loses it, starts screaming crying. I ask him if he would be ok if she had a yogurt or some fruit, she then starts screaming that she wants mom and runs away from him.  He then pours a bowl of chips and angrily walks away.  During this time, my 5 year old son who was about to lay with my husband to go to bed, grabs me and says mom I want to lay with you.  I loudly say, "its up to you who you lay with" as I know that I will get blamed for convincing him to lay with me.  My son says he wants to lay with me again.  My husband then tells my 12 year old he needs to put his phone away at 10 which my son said ok to.  My husband then madly walks off into his office and watches some loud shooting movie as I peacefully put the kids to sleep.  The morning is here, I am at work, and he has to get the kids up and off to school.  I HATE these mornings, as I fear for whatever yelling at my kids that will happen as it is usually exponentially more when I am not around.  I don't understand how someone can do these things and be ok with them selves!  I would be crushed if my kids ran away from me like they do him, I don't understand how he can be ok with this happening!         

[Pook075]

My wife has been diagnosed with major depression and BPD.  My daughter has been diagnosed Bipolar and BPD.  They are essentially the same person but their moods are very different.  The kid is a lot more fiery and explosive, always seeking vengeance against some wrong in her life.

Here's the thing though- I don't trust either diagnosis 100%.  I think my wife's depression is a symptom of her BPD.  But after she left me, she was manic for three months straight...literally giddy with happiness and laughter as she tried to seduce another man.  My doctor said a BPD can't be manic...nor someone with major depression.  Yet she saw my wife and said yup, she's certainly manic and living her best life.

The problem though is that once something goes on a chart, doctors/psychiatrists are very hesitant to change that chart.  They only see a snapshot, after all, maybe 20 minutes every six months, so it's hard to know for certain.  Meanwhile, therapists that interact with patients regularly are not allowed to diagnose.  So there's sort of a void there.

Also remember that to diagnose someone with BPD, they have to have a certain number of behavioral traits.  But these traits are present in many different types of conditions with a lot of overlap. 

I do know that both my wife and daughter have BPD/NPD traits.  I also know that my daughter has something else going on that takes her from 0-100 in either direction (anger/sadness) all day, every day.  My wife is mostly stable and goes through that swing maybe once a week or so, and she tends to stay there for several days, whether high or low. My kid can go through all that in a span of two minutes.

Past that though, I can't tell you what is BPD and what's bipolar or depression or something completely different in their lives.  If trained doctors can't figure it out, then I'm pretty confident we can't either.

[SaltyDawg]

dtkm,

   You have written a lot.  I will touch upon some of your comments.

Thanks for your reply SD.  The "your mom/dad/kids" thing cracks me up!  I really never thought that anyone else used that line!  Good to know that I am not alone!

No, you are not alone, it is how they perceive things. 

My husband's thing now is when things seem to be good, he becomes very quiet, I will "reach out" with a nice comment or gesture, like I lay down next to him or ask him if I can make him breakfast, etc. (literally a minute before we were having great, loving conversations).  Normal life things, but I can feel the silence turning to tension so I have been reaching out with one of these gestures.  I then get a response of something like "sure, but we need to talk cause things are very bad, after the kids go to bed tonight (its 8 am when this type of conversation happens) lets talk".  I then get on edge, which I know is the desired reaction he is looking for, and tell him that I will not do that (as I have been told by my therapist to not fall for his "talking" bit as he just wants an agreed upon chance to verbally abuse me).  I did set this boundary this weekend, as I announced to him, that I will not "talk" to him about any serious life thing that I do not feel is justified without a therapist present.

 

When my wife becomes irrational, or uses circular arguments, I will usually let it go on for a few minutes, to make sure she doesn't re-regulate.  So, I will point blank tell her that his is a circular argument where the same topic is being re-hashed, and I would like to take a break on talking about it, and will revisit it tomorrow morning (she has a 'reset' during a sleep cycle), when tomorrow comes around, she is baseline again, I ask her about it, she indicates it was unimportant, or doesn't even remember it (disassociation).  I also reserve the more triggering conversation and use the therapist as a referee, fortunately my wife has not pushed back too hard on this, and it seems to work for us.

He has cancelled all couples therapy attempts, so I doubt that I will agree to do therapy with him again either.  He just said, ok, when I said that.  I have been doing very well walking away in the last 2 to 3 months, as before I would justify, defend, justify, etc and it would be horrible, but this past weekend I jumped on his wagon for a moment, justified, then hopped off relatively quickly.  I am upset at myself for caving at all, but I had to prove the hour that he questioned that I was away from the house that he saw me leave the house on our security camera (yes he is watching my every move) when he was at work, I went to drop something off at a friend's house that he knew I had to do, the bank and the store...and I had all of the receipts with times on it, etc.  And when I was told that the only person who is benefiting from us not getting a divorce is me, I told him that our temporary orders were very much in my favor, so we can go back to those and financially I would be a LOT better off, he wouldn't see his kids for most of the week and we would both have to deal with the physical and emotional tole that was being had when they were living in split houses.  I will walk away next time, I just need to get the truth out sometimes even though I know it makes things worse for the moment.  After a weekend of mentioning divorce several times to me, he jumped the second my tenant called as the furnace stopped working at my rental and he helped me so much, and just like that we were back to life like divorce comments were never made...

It sounds like you might want to consider calling his 'bluff' on the divorce (this could backfire; however, it has not for me) as that will shift the power away from him, to you.  Also go back to therapy if you can, as part of this.  He will push and push to see how much he can get away with, unless you push back.  Set a firm boundary, and be willing to follow through on it.

By stopping couple's therapy, the power shifts to him, he is in control.  Likewise, him monitoring your every move, and putting you on the defensive with you having to prove your whereabouts and activities, puts him in control.

I forgot another thing...my uBPDh works at a job that is high stress.  Since COVID, he works from home with the requirement to go into the office (last he told me) was 2ish times a week, but he doesn't want to do that as he feels like he gets more work done at home (or he doesn't like to leave the house/me) so he goes in maybe 2 times a month.  Things have been tense at work as new management has come in and turned some things around.  Him feeling stressed about work is understandable to me and I have been trying to support him on this.  At home, he has an office, where he works now (though he used to work in the living room when he wanted to be around me or when "he had to watch me with the kids so that I didn't take my anger of him out on the kids" (ugh)).  We have 5 young kids.  They are loud, I am not a TV watcher, so I encourage my kids to play actively, not just sit on the couch and that is what they do...even if they are playing video games, they are jumping and running and screaming!  He has now told everyone that they need to be quiet when he is working, including I can't do laundry if he has a meeting.  I get that he needs to be able to think, not be disturbed, not sound like he is working at the zoo when on meetings, etc, but kids need to be kids and if he needs it that quiet then I feel like he should go into the office for work! 

I agree with you, if he cannot handle the children at home, he should go into the office (it will also give you a break from him).  Likewise, most modern appliances are quiet, so laundry should not be an issue, unless his laptop is on top of the washer/dryer - this is a bit much.

But, if I said that, I would only be saying that so that I could have all of the millions of affairs that I apparently have, so I can't say that!  But my kids look at me like what are we supposed to do?  And if any of them speaks in a tone slightly louder than a low talk, then I get yelled at as to why I can't keep them quiet!  Ugh...sorry just venting on this! 

It is okay to vent, it is very frustrating, as his behavior is not normal.  Try and get back into couple's therapy if you can, where you can have some effective communication - right now, this is not satisfactory to you or your 5 children.

Its been a week, let me tell you!  I don't know if this is an extinction burst or just his new way of life, but ugh!  His old pattern was switch to bad mode on Monday or Tuesday as I work on Tuesdays and switch back to good mode on Fridays.  Then we went to a pattern of essentially good, with a couple bad days thrown in there (that was about 2 months), now we are essentially in a bad mode with a couple of good days/moments thrown in there.  It is exhausting!  The only good thing about it is that it has given me a good amount of practice on just walking away!

 

It is exhausting, I am glad that you are able to enforce the walking away boundary to minimize the abuse he dishes out towards you and/or the children.

2-months for a cycle, do you think he might also be comorbid with bipolar?  BPD cycles are typically hours or a few days.

Our dishwasher started leaking about 2 weeks ago.  With all of our lawyer bills, etc from our stopped divorce neither one of us has extra cash sitting around.  To me, I am the one who always does the dishes (or everything around the house!) so I am fine washing the dishes, we will get it fixed in a little bit.  No, he needs it fixed now!  He calls a place last week to schedule, they don't have openings for a couple of days. That is not acceptable to him and he yells at the lady and tells her he is canceling if he can't get the appointment on whatever the Wednesday was (though, Wednesdays he is supposed to go into the office for work...and I can't schedule appointments that he needs to be at on a Wednesday...hmmm), he can't so he cancels.  A week or so goes by and he apologizes to me that he knows getting the dishwasher fixed is his responsibility, he said he dropped it and will get it taken care of, then offers to buy paper plates so that I don't have to do so many dishes.  I say its fine, I really don't mind doing the dishes.  He schedules some one to come again, this time they are able to come on a Wednesday (I don't understand the Wednesday thing besides it is an excuse to yell at me if I schedule something and an excuse to have to stay home if he schedules it).  All day he is standoffish, even though I was very nice to him the day before, offering to bring food or meds home for him when he was sick on the day before, taking care of the kids 100% since he was sick and checking in on him often, but you know, I went to work so he had to be mad at me!  The doorbell rings as he walks past me to open the door, he gives me this you are in trouble glare.  Whatever is what I think to myself, I don't know what I apparently did wrong this time, as I am laying down with my now sick from him, kids. The guys give my husband a quote, which was more than it would be to buy a new dishwasher.  Without asking me, he tells the guys we will pass and pays them the diagnose fee.  They leave and he tells me, "when you have extra cash let me know, I will meet you at Lowes and you can buy a new dishwasher".  I should have said nothing, but instead I say, "ok, but we need to split the cost of the new dishwasher as this is not just my house" (mind you, the judge in our temporary hearing made it very clear to him that he is responsible to pay for things at this house even if he doesn't live there by his choice).

 

I agree with you; however, I am wondering, if you are using the 'temporary hearing order' as a weapon against him, and he is getting defensive, and feeling a bit of contempt, as he is now saying...

He responds by saying, "This is your house, as you will be the one living in it in the future, I am only here for a bit.  Your word means nothing to me!" and storms away!

 

This has me concerned, it seems to me that these words indicate that he is 'checking out' of the relationship.  What is your opinion here?

He then grabs his keys and almost excitedly tells the kids bye, they ignore him and I nicely say "bye". I see him pull down our road and about 3 minutes later he is back home (I am texting my therapist at this point venting to her instead of at him) printing insurance cards for his car (I then realize that he is going to the DMV to hopefully pay for his registration which was due over 6 months ago).  He leaves again.  The kids and I leave to pick up our groceries, he helps bring the groceries in when we get home (like nothing happened).  Dinner rolls around and I tell him dinner is ready, he always accuses me of not making dinner for him when we fight so I make dinner for him even though I know he won't eat it.  He ignores me and does not come to dinner, so the kids and I have a good/fun dinner.  9 pm then comes, I usually lay with my 2 girls and he usually lays with my 5 year old...the 12 year old's usually watch their phones for a bit, my son in his room and my stepdaughter on the couch if she is at our house.  My husband comes out to lay with our 5 year old and immediately says to me as he lays down, "can you tell YOUR son to turn the light off" in a not nice tone.  I laugh and say you are ridiculous, sure I can turn the light off.  Mind you, he and my stepdaughter leave every light on in the house all of the time and it drives me crazy, he doesn't pay the light bill, so he usually doesn't care!  As I get up to do so, I am told tell him he needs to be off of his phone by 10, I say he is doing his homework right now, he tells me he is always on him phone all night, which he probably is, but so is my stepdaughter, she just puts it down at 10 and then goes back on it once her dad falls asleep, yes I have seen it numerous times!  I go upstairs, turn the light off and tell my son that I am going to close his door as dad is on a rampage about him and I don't think it is beneficial for my son to have to hear any of this.  My son tells me that he was just about to come downstairs as he was hungry.  As we are walking downstairs, I hear my husband telling my 3 year old that she can not eat anything, she needs to go to bed.  I get it, its late, but he lets her eat every other night and he is just saying this because he is in his mood and needing to control everything.  She loses it, starts screaming crying. I ask him if he would be ok if she had a yogurt or some fruit, she then starts screaming that she wants mom and runs away from him.  He then pours a bowl of chips and angrily walks away.  During this time, my 5 year old son who was about to lay with my husband to go to bed, grabs me and says mom I want to lay with you.  I loudly say, "its up to you who you lay with" as I know that I will get blamed for convincing him to lay with me.  My son says he wants to lay with me again.  My husband then tells my 12 year old he needs to put his phone away at 10 which my son said ok to.  My husband then madly walks off into his office and watches some loud shooting movie as I peacefully put the kids to sleep.  The morning is here, I am at work, and he has to get the kids up and off to school.  I HATE these mornings, as I fear for whatever yelling at my kids that will happen as it is usually exponentially more when I am not around.  I don't understand how someone can do these things and be ok with them selves!  I would be crushed if my kids ran away from me like they do him, I don't understand how he can be ok with this happening!

Just reading that makes me feel overwhelmed, so I am sure you are very overwhelmed by all of this; however, I sense you feel as though you have no choice in the matter, and you just need to 'suck it up, buttercup' and get stuff done.  I can see how frustrating this can be for you.

Regarding, the lights', I just turn them off myself, so they don't become an issue, and do gentle reminders to the kids, both of whom want to conserve, so it is easy to get them to go along with this.

I hope you have a better day.  From what you have described, this is not a sustainable situation, I know you want to make things better.  From what I can tell, keeping firm boundaries, and enforcing what you want done is the way to go; however, that does come with risk of him pushing back, and even going back to the divorce proceedings.

Since this is the bettering board, perhaps see the couple's therapist without him (if the therapist is okay with this) to get some strategies that might work for your scenario.

What works with my wife, is I validate her feelings only, and ignore the twisted narrative she says, until she becomes regulated again.

Good luck & take care.  Please be sure to do some self-care too.

SD