My pwBPD ended things

[Beegirl]

My BPD ex ended things a week ago. Early in our relationship, he would break things off every few months, but always came back. The past 5 months have been better, as he stopped trying to “run,” and we were getting increasingly serious (spending time with families, children). In the past weeks, his behavior was more erratic. Lots of verbal abuse and devaluing, but also cried to me as recently as two weeks ago, saying he’d be heartbroken if I ever left him. In response to his devaluing, I started standing up for myself more, and that seems to have coincided with the breakup. This time, he seems serious. He asked for his things back, but keeps texting me he’s sorry, but can’t be with me. I got tired of the texts, out of hurt and frustration, I told him not to contact me again. He didn’t respond and hasn’t reached out in three days. I keep ruminating whether he’s thinking of me, why he abruptly ended it, if he misses me, and will he contact me again. Looking for answers based on experience. Why did he end things, will he come back, does he even care?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tina7868]

Hello Beegirl  ! I am sorry about the situation you are going through, it is a difficult one. Welcome to the community, where a lot of people can relate to how you are feeling.

Things seem pretty fresh. It sounds like you have been experiencing a roller coaster over the past few weeks leading up to the breakup. It`s normal to ruminate over what the other person may be thinking after so much confusion.

You mention that you have broken up and gotten back together in the past. What makes you think that this time is different?

Why did he end things, will he come back, does he even care?

There is certainly a lot to unpack, but I don`t doubt that he cared. I urge you not to take his behaviour as a reflection of his level of care for you, but rather his emotional capacity to navigate more difficult feelings.

There is a lot that can be learned from a situation like this, regardless of the outcome. Welcome again, and be easy on yourself!

[Beegirl]

Hi Tina, thank you for the kind response. I feel like this time is different because it seemed so definitive. He kept saying he’s cares but can’t be with me, can’t do it anymore, and doesn’t want to. While he’s said those things in the past, he comes back around within 24 hours or so. This time, I haven’t heard from him since Thursday. I thought he would reach out for New Year’s Eve, if nothing else, at least wondering what I was doing or who I might be with. He didn’t text or reach out. He’s also an alcoholic, so I’m sure he’s masking his feelings, but I also thought he’d become nostalgic at some point while drinking and reach out. It’s also tearing me apart thinking about the possibility that he’s with someone else.

[tina7868]

Hi Tina, thank you for the kind response. I feel like this time is different because it seemed so definitive. He kept saying he’s cares but can’t be with me, can’t do it anymore, and doesn’t want to. While he’s said those things in the past, he comes back around within 24 hours or so. This time, I haven’t heard from him since Thursday. I thought he would reach out for New Year’s Eve, if nothing else, at least wondering what I was doing or who I might be with. He didn’t text or reach out. He’s also an alcoholic, so I’m sure he’s masking his feelings, but I also thought he’d become nostalgic at some point while drinking and reach out. It’s also tearing me apart thinking about the possibility that he’s with someone else.

From my understanding, this time, you told him not to contact you. Is this different than the usual pattern?

What sort of outcome would you like? Would you like to talk to him? Would you like to be friends?

There are no right or wrong answers to any of these questions, just asking to be on the same page  .

[Beegirl]

This is the first time I’ve said don’t contact me. It’s sounds silly to type, but the desired outcome is to be painted white again and him reach out with a change of heart.

[tina7868]

It’s sounds silly to type, but the desired outcome is to be painted white again and him reach out with a change of heart.

It`s not silly at all!

Being honest with yourself, and accepting how you feel, without judgement, are important. Of course, you cannot control other people. You can however be intentional with your actions, and focus on what is in your power. That way, at the end of the day, you can let go knowing you did your best.

Do you want to get back together or simply talk it out? What made you post on the detaching board?

[Beegirl]

Thank you for the validation. I want to get back together. I posted here because his ending was so definitive, so I just figured I needed to face detaching. However, that’s not what I want. What’s interesting…going back over months of texts, he would use the same phrases and threats to break up and then quickly turn it around again, often within hours or minutes. This is why I’m so confused…same threats and words, but his choice seems definitive this time. I can’t understand why. And it’s been six days of no contact on his part.

[tina7868]

I want to get back together. I posted here because his ending was so definitive, so I just figured I needed to face detaching. However, that’s not what I want.

I know, from my own experience, that it can be a confusing position to be in!  You can get the best advice for your situation when you're on a board that matches with what you want. In turn, what you want might change, and that`s okay too!

What’s interesting…going back over months of texts, he would use the same phrases and threats to break up and then quickly turn it around again, often within hours or minutes. This is why I’m so confused…same threats and words, but his choice seems definitive this time. I can’t understand why.

Has there been anything going on in his life lately?

You mention that you may have acted differently as well. Could you expand on that?

Be kind and patient with yourself. By taking a step back and reflecting, you`ll come out on the other side of this with new perspective and growth.