Hi. Let's break down what you just said since I think you can answer a number of these questions yourself if you look at it from a different viewpoint.
To me if feels like a cold and sterile relationship when you never kiss, hug or touch your partner?
I took this statement out of order in the post because it is how you feel. Your feelings are valid to you and nobody can change that- it's who you are, what you believe, etc. Anytime we try to argue against someone's feelings, we're always wrong because we can't define what someone else feels. If this is how you feel, then it's the truth for you.
Now, maybe I feel a completely different way...or I think the way you're feeling is dumb (I don't at all, just making an example here). That's just my opinion and I'm entitled to it, but voicing that opinion won't get me anywhere in a conversation. So I have to respect your feelings regardless if I agree or not.
Again, it's feelings...and feelings change. Our job with a BPD partner is not to try to manipulate their feelings, it's to comfort those feelings to reassure them.
Anyway so a couple days ago she told me she wanted me to stop touching her she wasn't comfortable. So I agreed. I did explain I wasn't being sexually motivated just trying to work on being closer. How do I handle this?
This is her feeling (in the moment) and there was no explanation necessary here. There's no way to handle it either- don't touch me means don't touch me. If you want to touch her again in the future, let's move onto what she says next.
She says she will want to be physical in the future but I need to make her feel emotionally connected first...
Emotionally connected- what does that mean to you? What does it mean to her? This is critically important because if your definition is not the same as her definition, then you're never going to get there. So how do you find out if you know what she means or not?
It's hard as without the physical component of a relationship I just dont feel close or good about it?
Okay, you don't feel good about it...we're back to feelings here and those are always true in the moment. You want physical connection while she wants emotional connection- those are two different things. So who wins in this instance? (hint, she always wins). So what do you do about it?
I am also dealing with constant accusations of being insensitive
Let's recap. She wants to connect emotionally. You want to connect physically. She says all physical stuff is out until the emotional stuff is there...and we've already established that she wins this argument of what comes first. Can you see why she'd FEEL you're being insensitive?
Note that word there- FEEL. Feelings are always true in the moment so we accept them as fact, even if we don't agree with them. So we have to soothe the feelings, which is what she's asking for in the first place with the emotionally connected phrase.
she has had to emotional disregulated periods that have lasted a day in the past week. I am realling feeling the I hate you dont leave from her right now!
This is repeating what we've already repeated throughout here- she wants to connect with you on an emotional level and can't. This is a good place to finally talk about fault- who's fault is it that the connection isn't there?
You'd say it's her fault, she's dysregulated and tough to deal with. She'd say it's your fault because you're an insensitive jerk. I know that because you told us already. So who's fault is it?
I don't know how I can get ny head back into this relationship when i try like she asks i get pushed away! I then detach, she notices complains, I try again to be more connected and she again oushes me away by being distant ,irritable or attacking me.
If you ask someone something and they push you away, who's fault it is? Same conversation we just had. She thinks it's your fault, you think it's her fault. Both of you are wrong though because communication is a two-way activity.
Here's the thing though- you said, "when I try." That suggests that it's not a constant thing, like sometimes you try and sometimes you don't. When you withdraw, it hurts her. And it sounds like right after you hurt her, then you try again and she's not ready for it because her FEELINGS are hurt. There's that word again, feelings are always true in the moment.
Also, how are you "trying"? We all like to say, "I work so hard" or "I try my best every time" but it's rarely true because we're human and we make mistakes. The "trying" she needs is for you to understand where her feelings are coming from and show empathy in the moment. Her feelings are always true in the moment, so if you invalidate them, it's serious rejection that pushes you further apart.
In regular relationships, feelings obviously play a part but it's nothing like BPD. When a BPD person's feelings are focused on feeling unloved or abandoned, everything kicks into high gear...think of Spiderman and his Spidey-senses. Everything is amplified and her fight or flight traits are amplified well past what you or I would normally feel. For her, the world is ending and it's all doom and gloom.
Its such an unheakthy dynamic and I guess I am struggling to work out how to be connected without being constantly hurt.
This is the cycle that has to be broken and in a relationship, you must try all the time...especially with a BPD partner. It's not fair and it's not easy, but that's what the job involves. And even though she's sick with mental illness, you still have the power to break this cycle by doing exactly what she's telling you to do.
- Listen instead of defending
- Show compassion instead of frustration
- Ask what she needs and how you can help
Great communication is everything in a BPD relationship because it's all about feelings...and feelings are always true in the moment. Stop fighting that because there's no way to win. Think about it; if I'm sad and you tell me not to be sad, then I'm still going to be sad and think you could care less about me. Many times these problems are really that simple because it's a breakdown in communication where neither side feels like they can say what they really want to say.
I hope that helps and I hope you can see the pattern there in your own post. This sounds very "fixable" but you're the one who's going to have to make some changes to get back to a healthy relationship. Again, it's very unfair but that's the task here to be in a BPD relationship.
