therapy for parents of young adult son with BPD

[MayDayBaby]

Hello everyone,

I am so glad you are here. I will start with this almost shameful question: How do you cope with creeping compassion fatigue and/or feelings of indifference after so many, many rages?

Thanks in advance for any advice,
MDB

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CoffeeFirst]

With compassion for yourself.
We love our children. We wish to help and support them. We cannot do that if we are worn out by the relentless emptying of our reserves of compassion and energy.
Sometimes we need to step away and replenish our tanks to be able to respond better in the future.
Or because we need that energy to manage our own lives better.

The most important therapy I have done was the free Family Connections program for family members of people with BPD. Yes, it taught me skills to interact better with my emotionally disregulated daughter (and everyone else, btw).
But it also gave me much needed perspective about the limits of what I could do, how my own mental state affected my ability to apply what I had learned, and the importance of being able to live my own life. Working towards radical acceptance of a highly undesirable situation that I could not fix.
It also gave me permission to step away for now, as my daughter will not permit us to help and support her, allowing me to refill my tanks and rebuild my life.

What we can do varies. Sometimes we are better equipped to help. Sometimes we are exhausted, fragile and worn out.
And that is ok.
No shame.
We are all doing the best we can, for now.


 

[Sammy Jo]

Hi there and Happy New Year,

Well - CoffeeFirst is right, always have compassion for yourself. As a mother, we all struggle with that. My BPD DD is 21 and has grown significantly worse over the past two years. While I have tried many things to remember my tiny baby and how much I loved her, being screamed at, hit, and emotionally abused takes a toll even on a mother's love.

I did finally reach a point where we told DD she would never live in our house again - no matter what. If her boyfriend kicks her out, she'll have to go to a homeless shelter. It took a lot of poor actions on her part to bring us to that decision. Now, when she is at her worst, i.e. visiting over Christmas and at Thanksgiving, I immediately make her leave the house. I blocked her on my phone, email, and FaceBook. However, when I have blocked her my husband still keeps in phone contact since she is still on our car insurance (numerous wrecks and about to be kicked off), but also in case of emergencies. I can't help it. If something terrible has happened, I want one of us to be accessible. That said, she uses the phone and text almost as a weapon to exaggerate everything, harass, and or plead with you. To other family members as well.

But for me, blocking her on the phone and having her out of the house allows me to function daily. As you know, people with BPD are prone to rages and to calling those they love the most the most heinous names imaginable and knowing just where to stick the sword to hurt them. If and when you do any of these things, just know that we will all support you. It's easy to love someone, but not to like them.

Much luck and patience and self-healing to you:)

[MayDayBaby]

Thank you Sammy Jo and CoffeeFirst.

Thanks for the great advice. I will try the Family Connections program. My spouse and I have also started family therapy a month ago and my son is scheduled to go tomorrow. I wish I had more confidence that he will go.

I am also starting tomorrow with a new one-on-one therapist who knows more about BPD/codependency. Our family therapist is way more familiar with BPD and skills like DBT.

Is DD = Double diagnosis?

Signing off for now,
MDB

[livednlearned]

I don't think it's a shameful question at all. There's research about how BPD caregivers suffer more burnout than caregivers of other conditions, whether psychiatric or physical. It's like living with someone whose on an emotional roller coaster 24/7, at least those who are untreated.   

I second Family Connections as a good source of support. That and reading books that gave me a north star.

Shari Manning's Loving Someone with BPD
Valerie Porr's Overcoming BPD

My uBPD stepdaughter is quiet/covert in her BPD presentation so I had to focus on boundaries in a big way otherwise I had tire tracks up and down my back. She looks and behaves like a waif but is covertly aggressive and triangulation is her default.

Compassion fatigue is real, too. No one has driven me to meditation more than that child. I also learned to give myself a pass for putting my needs first, which is not intuitive when it's a parent-child relationship.

I honestly believe SD26 is relieved that I have boundaries. It has to be exhausting to not have boundaries with people, and to have this turbulent, volatile ball of emotions sending her in every direction at full speed.

How old is your son? It sounds like he's been diagnosed?

It sounds hopeful that he's at least willing to go to a therapy session.