I’ve started my exit of a 2.5 year relationship

[NotTheSaint]

Hi everyone,

I’ve started my exit of a 2.5 year relationship with me partner. It’s felt very off after just a few months in, but I ignored and even welcomed some of the red flags. But the insanity of a relationship with pwBPD is mind and heart breaking. She diagnosed with her therapists and herself as BPD. I found this site from reading the book “stop walking on eggshells”. The stories and information in that book are invaluable.

It’s Christmas break and I am able to be away from her visit family in another state. During the past 5 days I have probably spent at least 30 hours reading that book and then posts on this site.

WOW. I have never felt so much ah ha moments and solidarity. But this PLEASE READ is HARD! I know breaking up with her is the right thing. I have known it needed to happen for probably 2 years. But as all of you know, the cycling and trauma bond of a codependent and a cluster B is like inescapable gravity.

I’m posting because I’m heart broken for the love I have for her. For all the many many wonderful times and things I learned and the opportunities and places I visited and enjoyed. Infatuating love like that (not to mention my first significant relationship with a woman since coming out!!) is so magical. Hopelessly romantic and hopelessly avoidant ex-Mormon codependent.

I am posting because I need support keeping my boundaries and maintaining a no contact contract with myself. I have to get my things from her this next weekend and I told her I would message Thursday night to arrange, but that I didn’t want to talk anymore otherwise. This was 4 days ago. She called me 10 times the first 2 days. Then gave me My space, but then another 10 times today. She uses a VPN to call so I can’t block
Her number. She’s done this every time I ask for space. “But at least I didn’t call you 96 times in a row like I used to”. I can hear in my head what I know she would say. And yes, on MANY occasions she’s has called 50-100 times in a day. The most 146 calls in one day. During my work hours begging her to stop.

Anyway. I haven’t answered her. I almost did today. Because it’s new years and I want to talk to her. I don’t think she’s a monster. I have before. When I started researching things and figured she had to be a narcissist. But she had empathy. I saw her with friends and she is kind, interesting, stable. Everywhere but with me and her mother. Everything lines up with BPD and she agrees. She figured it out and found DBT and counseling after the last time she obliterated me and threw me and my daughter out of the house locking the doors without even out things. I told her I would never forgive her and never speak to her again.

She found Marsha linehans work and believes she can be one of the success stories. I believe she can be too. She finished her first 16 week DBT last week. But there has been too much for me already. I can’t wait for the process. I have become a shell. And my mental health has suffered greatly. My job is suffering, my soul is suffering. I can’t take the morphed reality, splitting, and deeply deeply hurtful words any longer. I can’t do the silent treatment, the moving of the goal post and I especially cannot take the projections. She must always be right. Her world view is so toxic to me she splits most people and things into black and white and if you disagree it’s because you are delusional or incapable of being an “adult”.

I’m really dreading going back home. We don’t live together full time because that was a non negotiable for me. But we lived together most days. But I started asking her to leave each time she split me, screamed or belittled me or my daughter. (Usually belittled her to me and not to my daughter’s face) but kids are intuitive. She DOESNT deserve anyone in her life who can’t see her in the gray. Never black or white. She is 7 years old. I’m dreading seeing her ghosts everywhere and being back in our places. I’m worried about the nights alone and the lack of sleep. I’ve had so many nightmares and panic attacks. Things I have NEVER experienced. I didn’t even understand what a panic attack was. But since this relationship I have had several, and they are terrifying.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for all who post and share their experiences. Others can love you and be there, but no one can understand it unless you’ve been in it.

Happy New Year.

[kells76]

Hi NotTheSaint and a warm

It's interesting reading that you knew, at some level, about 6 months into the relationship that it needed to end. And it makes sense that you stayed 2 more years -- lots of members here have stayed in similar situations for many reasons. What was it at the 6 month mark that kind of tipped you towards the "this needs to end" side?

I am posting because I need support keeping my boundaries and maintaining a no contact contract with myself. I have to get my things from her this next weekend and I told her I would message Thursday night to arrange, but that I didn’t want to talk anymore otherwise. This was 4 days ago. She called me 10 times the first 2 days. Then gave me My space, but then another 10 times today. She uses a VPN to call so I can’t block
Her number. She’s done this every time I ask for space. “But at least I didn’t call you 96 times in a row like I used to”. I can hear in my head what I know she would say. And yes, on MANY occasions she’s has called 50-100 times in a day. The most 146 calls in one day. During my work hours begging her to stop.

Anyway. I haven’t answered her. I almost did today. Because it’s new years and I want to talk to her. I don’t think she’s a monster. I have before. When I started researching things and figured she had to be a narcissist. But she had empathy. I saw her with friends and she is kind, interesting, stable. Everywhere but with me and her mother. Everything lines up with BPD and she agrees. She figured it out and found DBT and counseling after the last time she obliterated me and threw me and my daughter out of the house locking the doors without even out things. I told her I would never forgive her and never speak to her again.

That makes sense. Sounds like rationally you're at one place in your journey, but emotionally you aren't there yet?

And it's wise of you to realize that not being in contact isn't something you can "force" her to do, but it's something that you as an individual are committed to and in control of.

Something worked when you wanted to answer her yesterday, but didn't -- what was that, that helped you be successful?

I’m really dreading going back home. We don’t live together full time because that was a non negotiable for me. But we lived together most days. But I started asking her to leave each time she split me, screamed or belittled me or my daughter. (Usually belittled her to me and not to my daughter’s face) but kids are intuitive. She DOESNT deserve anyone in her life who can’t see her in the gray. Never black or white. She is 7 years old. I’m dreading seeing her ghosts everywhere and being back in our places. I’m worried about the nights alone and the lack of sleep. I’ve had so many nightmares and panic attacks. Things I have NEVER experienced. I didn’t even understand what a panic attack was. But since this relationship I have had several, and they are terrifying.

Would it be just you and your D7 at home -- any other family members? And is your D7 in school, does she spend time with other family members? Just getting a picture of what's on you plate, parenting-wise.

Panic attacks are no joke. I'm curious if you've tried any counseling or therapy yet? It's hard parenting kids that age when you have your own stuff to work on, on top of that. Maybe a T could help you find a way to manage/cope with the panic so that you can be present for your D7 and not feel so overwhelmed with having so much on your plate 

Thank you for reading. Thank you for all who post and share their experiences. Others can love you and be there, but no one can understand it unless you’ve been in it.

BPD relationships aren't normal-range relationships, so I'm with you, it means a lot to have this space to share with others who've walked in those shoes.

Looking forward to learning more about your situation;

kells76

[NotTheSaint]

Thank you for responding Kells76-

You could write many novels around the complexity of BPD and codependent relationships. But I know one of the biggest factors behind accepting the “red flags” was the significant vulnerable situation I was in. And I knew deep down I was longing for a relationship to fill voids and “save me” from what I was going through.

I was getting divorced and leaving Mormonism. If you don’t know much about Mormonism it’s very much a cult and brainwashes you. My family is 5 generations deep. Both sides of my family. It was my entire identity- and I pushed away being gay my whole life because it’s a “sin”.

I was allowing myself to have an open mind for the first time in my life. Shedding off the dogma I had inherited. So when this sexy, confident, deep and knowledgeable person came into my life I switched from letting the church tell me what to do- to letting her tell me what to do.

She led me to believe all my family members didn’t truly care for me. That all my friends were terrible people. That I didn’t know how to pick good friends, and I needed to make strict boundaries with my family. She made me believe my mother and father and sister are narcissists. They have issues like everyone else- and are still completely controlled by the church which doesn’t allow hard conversations and believes hardship is because of sin. But I don’t believe they are narcissists. Just closed minded and all very terrified.

The first time she “flipped” on me was around my birthday. I had planned a trip to take her to Oregon where I grew up and see all my favorite places. I called my mom while I was at her house to get some ideas on a few places to visit because my mom is great at ideas. you would have thought I invited a murderer into her home. She scolded me like you would not believe. That I was so dependent on my mother and had no boundaries and let her walk all over me and now invited her to know where we were and that made her terrified that mother knew where we were staying. My mother lives in Utah and she has ZERO reasons to believe whatever she was thinking about my mother. I was at a loss. Completely confused. But not rational discuss would appease her. I graveled and apologized but she said she no longer was going to go with me. (It was 2 days before leaving). Flights and car and hotels already paid for. I begged her to change her mind. That I wouldn’t say anymore to my mother.

The whole trip (an entire week) she barely spoke to me. Walked ahead of me everywhere and acted like we barely knew each other. Everytime I tried to clear the air she said she would never forgive me for what I did. I remember the morning of my birthday she said nothing to me. We got on the plane. I had tears streaming down my face. And she proceeded to tell me I was pathetic and embarrassing her.

I feel so sick to my stomach even writing this out. But I need to. It was the first BIG thing. It was my home. My places. My birthday. They were so special to me. And it was symbolic to me. And she made it completely miserable. Punished me the entire trip.

The biggest rub too- is that when she remembers that trip she will say “that was such an amazing trip. I loved it so much” does she seriously not remember!?! That trip broke me some way that I have yet to heal. She never ever apologized despite me asking her to and telling her how hard it was. But she said it was my fault. And anyone would respond like she did- because I betrayed her. For asking my mother for places to visit. She has made every one of my friends and family black - but all hers are white. Except her own mother. Who she has compared me to so many times. And I have seen her scream at her mother and say the most dreadful things. Awful awful things. Even in public. I knew when I saw that eventually she would do that to me. And she did. Hundreds of times.

To your other questions- where I live with my daughter is lovely. We don’t have any family there, because I am trying to make some space from Mormonism especially my daughter who will be discriminating against since Mormons done allow women any rights.

But she is in a lovey montessori school, I have a family systems therapist working with us and we are making friends. But my support system is nearly zero. And based on everything I started believing about myself based on her significant verbal abuse I have been hesitant to put myself out there.

Counseling- yes. I have one, but need to look for some one new as my insurance is changing. But it is a priority for me.

Thank you for reading. Thank you