When do you know if it's time?

[holdingontohope]

So...looking for advice from those of you that have gone little/no contact with your BPD adult child.  How do you know when it is time to NOT go no contact? I feel so alone in my family at the moment, because I feel like we may have a window of an opening to take a baby step in the direction of moving forward with my BPD adult son (32), but my husband (my son't step dad) and two other adult sons (both half brothers to my BPD son) do not.  They feel like I am "caving," and giving in too soon. I see a possibly opportunity for healing/growth, and I don't know what to do.  I want us to be a team, but I don't agree with them! And when I try to bring it up, they get so upset and angry, telling me that it is too soon, and that we will lose all that we have gained so far.  This hurts my heart so much, I just don't know what to do.

To fill you in quickly, in another post I shared that I had to call the police and have my BPD son taken to detox because he was intoxicated, would not leave my home, and was screaming and shouting many horrible things at me.  One of my older sons was home, thank goodness, and had to hold my BPD son down while I called the police.  It was a nightmare!  Since then, we tried to meet with my BPD son one time, about a month later, when he "sort of" apologized, but also said he wants to talk about HIS side of things, too.  We agreed to sit down and air everything out.  Well, the meeting did not go well, and he ended up kicking us out of his apartment, saying he felt "ambushed" and like we were just there to gang up on him, etc.  He refused to talk about moving forward, and instead spiraled into all that we have done wrong in the past, telling us we are toxic, how left out and horrible he feels and has been treated, etc.  I am all for hearing his side and trying to validate his feelings, BUT he was NOT sorry for his actions from that awful day, and instead made the whole meeting about what we had done wrong 10 years ago--he just could not get off of the topic, and was speaking from old pain and trauma (although most/all of this was brought on due to HIS choices at the time, although he does not see or agree with that at al!). 

Anyway, other than that one meeting, we have not seen him in person, and have only had some texting "wars" where I tried to talk to him, ended up defending myself, and realized I was sucked into his rabbit hole again, so I refrained from further texting.  We did not do Thanksgiving or Christmas with him which was HARD!  It was hard on him, too, and he did text me to tell me that his friend's family accepted him, and he was just so sad that his own family couldn't.  He is an alcoholic, and we had said one of our boundaries was that he could not come back to our house drunk, and could not drink while visiting.  We DID say if he felt he could not stop at this time, we would go to visit him at HIS apartment, (this was early on when I was setting up boundaries after that October day), and that although we would love to see him quit drinking, we would be okay with visiting him at his apartment if he felt he needed to drink (or at a restaurant, etc).  He would have NONE of it or any of the other boundaries, and continued to act like a victim, stating it wasn't fair that no one else had boundaries to follow, etc. (No one else in the family needs them, are always respectful and no issues).

ANYWAY, fast forward to earlier this week, and my BPD son texted me again (I could not bring myself to block him, although I try not to respond to his texts, but figure at least I know what is going on, and if there is an emergency, he can get a hold of me).  Well, he texted me and said he was in the ER (again--was in detox in November, but ended up drinking again 12 days later).  This time, he went in with severe stomach pains.  Said he has a tear in his stomach lining, and also diagnosed with hepatitis of the liver.  He ended up throwing up for hours, and went through a detox, of sorts, with an IV and meds to help him through it.  The doctor told him he could NO LONGER DRINK, period.  This scared him, and he has not drank since.  He will need to continue to be monitored weekly for quite some time, he said.  It sounds pretty serious.  He is scared, this was his "wake up call," I think, and he wants to see us.  He said none of what we were fighting about matters anymore, he just wants to see us.  SO, of course, I am TORN and my heart is BREAKING.  I feel like we should support him as a family and be there for him, and at the very least go and visit him.  BUT, my family says NO WAY.  He is only quitting drinking because he HAS to, he still is not sorry nor has he really apologized for his behavior, has not changed internally at all--they are FED UP, and I get it, but...how do I sit here and do nothing? 

How do you know if it's time to take a baby step in that direction, without losing what we were trying to gain by going little/no contact?  And, he only texted ME, (the others refuse to text back so he knows not to text them) and now I have to be the one to say we aren't going to come and see him?  It is all ON ME, and I am ALWAYS stuck in the middle, not wanting to do the wrong thing, but wanting to be a MOM, at the same time.  I say we move forward cautiously with boundaries in place, but the rest of my family is still saying NO--too soon.  I haven't texted my BPD son back yet, because I don't know what to say or do.  I know he will feel hurt and dejected because I am not texting, and I don't want us to go backwards in our progress, either.  Just no sure what to do, and I can't start my therapy session that I just made until next Tuesday.  I can't wait until Tuesday to do SOMETHING.  Any advice is greatly appreciated, and even if you don't have advice, thanks for listening.  I truly feel so very alone at the moment.  Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi holdingontohope,

It's so tough when there's an addiction involved. If your son has vulnerable neurology, abusing substances probably take things from level 1 to 10 and then some.

Something I notice in your story is that being in each other's homes doesn't end well. How do you feel about meeting in a place that's neutral?

His behavior was unacceptable when he blew up and became abusive in your home, and he couldn't tolerate how he felt when you were in his home.

I remember a member here from years ago (can't recall her name ... I'll try to remember and link to her posts here when I can find her) and her son abused weed. She managed to get him moved out and took a "light as a feather" approach. Meaning, no heavy topics, no revisiting past injuries, no hammering on solutions and life choices. Just light light light. And validating questions.

Family brings with it a lot of emotional baggage and history and heartache, and someone with untreated BPD won't regulate emotions well. I think about this a lot with my own parents. Neither are BPD and I'm not either, but even so, the smallest comment can really set my nervous system on tilt. For someone who struggles to regulate intense emotions, sky is the limit for where things go.

I know it's awful to be asked to leave (to put it nicely), or kicked out, but there is also a version here where he is trying to regulate his emotions by removing what he perceives to be the problem, which is coming from outside him. Alcohol is the wrong solution to his problem, since it's created a worse problem.

Your family is saying don't meet with him. Would they feel better about meeting somewhere neutral?

With the people in my life who are prone to dysregulation, I imagine them as a baby who is trying to regulate their emotions in an unskilled way. I don't know if you felt this as a mother, but I remember when my son was an infant, I had to find a way to kind of co-regulate his emotions.

My son has ASD so it wasn't intuitive and I had to experiment. But the end result was figuring out a way to get on his wavelength and soothe him. Sometimes holding him wasn't what he needed -- sometimes I had to get creative. I noticed he could be soothed by doing things that engaged him visually, so I would bring different things into focus and move a bit while making different noises that calmed him.

I'm not saying do this with your son  

It's more the concept, that we may need to get creative. Your family also needs to know that you aren't putting yourself in harm's way.

It's tough when you as mama are both chief trigger and chief soother. This is a grown man who is in tremendous pain, enough to hurt people around him. He's a danger to you and to yourself, so the journey to interact with him will take a lot of creativity on your part.

All of the difficult relationships in my life come down to who I am as an emotional leader.

Your family may be wary and need reassuring. Let them know what steps you plan to take to keep yourself safe. Only you can do this -- your son doesn't have the capacity yet. He's looking to you to provide that (unfortunately).

Let him know the ground rules. "I'm here for you. Let's figure out a way to do this so we both can take a time out if either of us feels flooded. I will step away if it seems like things are going sideways. We can regroup when we're both back to baseline."

When they are adults, we have to find words to do the kind of soothing we did when they were babies.

I had this experience last night with my ASD son (22). One of my resolutions this year was to not hang on so tight and be less enabling. He had a dentist appointment and can drive, but he's not an experienced driver. Still, I suggested he drive himself. My H (his stepdad) has been beating a drum for independence because I do so much for S22 and that was on my mind when S22 left for his appointment. 43 min later S22 is on the phone saying he's been in an accident.

It's taken years for me to get to this point, all due to BPD family members and trying to have relationships with them. But the skills applied here. I could take S22 and escalate it, "OMG ARE YOU OK??" Or I could embody the emotions I wanted him to have: calm, wisemind, centered, able to problem solve. At the moment, his adrenaline was surging and he even laughed a bit, which I know now is a tremble reflex after something scary occurs.

I know it sounds simple. It has taken me years and years to respond like this. I've been a ball of nerves due to BPD in my family of origin then marrying a man with BPD (my son's father). Then, I met and married a man with the same story: BPD in FOO and a BPD ex wife. His daughter (SD26) has BPD traits. She's the person who really made me see how the relationship and communication skills can work -- they are not intuitive and for many of us must be learned.

But the one that has made the most difference to me is imagining myself almost like a tuning fork   that everything else must get in attunement with, including me!

 

[Sancho]

Hi Holdingontohope
I wrote quite a long reply but seem to have lost it somehow! It went something like this:

As I was reading your post it was easy to recognise symptoms of BPD - the blaming, inability to recognise/acknowledge one's own part in anything etc. We put boundaries in place based on our personal values, our needs (which often get swept aside in the journey with a bpd loved one) and what we need to do just to be able to function. I can see what you and your family are trying to achieve by the boundaries you have put in place.

You have had contact with ds but the BPD symptoms just took over and he was unable to really interact or communicate.

When I got to reading the recent events my focus changed. From the information you give, serious health issues have now appeared and to the point where ds is wanting to stop self medicating with alcohol.

As a parent you have a different relationship to a child - no matter what age - and on that basis and given the circumstances, I think it is important that you make your personal decision, which needs to be respected by other family members.

In making your decision you can take into account some of the following - or other points that you could add:

--the only way to know if ds has stopped drinking is to have contact
- for you to plan a pathway forward it will be important to have details of your son's health status. I think this would be easier by having contact
- the boundaries you have put in place were a response to ds with BPD and alcohol addiction. The only way to know the effect of stopping the alcohol would be to have some contact and find out - over time that is.
- people with bpd can exaggerate health issues to hold your attention etc. However you would have some idea of how much of this could be exaggeration from past history eg how long ds has been using alcohol; whether he has had previous admissions etc

I suppose all I am saying here is that, as ds' mom you need to make the decision for yourself because the recent events reported by your ds are not the usual 'going round the circle again' events. You need somehow to have accurate information about your son's health status, or personally I think the not knowing will affect you deeply.

I'm glad you have posted because in my experience it helps to clarify your personal decision. Keep posting and reading responses if you think it can help you in this difficult situation.

[holdingontohope]

Thank you Livednlearned and Sancho, for your replies.  I am taking it all in, and processing all that you have said.  I have communicated to my BPD son that there is healing that still needs to happen, and that these things can't be rushed (getting together in person like he wanted to do in person this weekend).  I explained that I look forward to the day when we are at that point, hopefully in the near future. I have told him to listen to the doctors, and to call his aunt (who is a retired nurse) because she could help him with any health questions he may have. 

I stay back and say all of that for the sake of my two adult sons and current husband, because  they do NOT want me to "rush in" when my BPD son has not really changed at all--he is just scared, and HAS to quit drinking due to his diagnosis.  He isn't really making internal changes and DECIDING to quit drinking on his own.  If it weren't for me, they would have NO relationship with my BPD son at all!  They have flat out said that, and I GET how fed up they are.  They cannot BELIEVE that I am coming to them, thinking that we should offer some support/encouragement to my BPD son, since he has been the most unkind to ME.  They do not want to see me abused in this way, and I GET IT.  But, I also have some compassion for my BPD son, and know his heart--and his emotion dis-regulation at times.  It is hurtful, but I know that deep down he loves me and a side to him cares SO much--and just wants to be loved/accepted.  His rejection (or feeling that he is being rejected) is what fuels his anger/rage/episodes.  He is not always pleasant to be around, even if he isn't drinking, and I GET THAT!  I feel I always need my guard up to a point, and have to "gray rock him" and "keep things light" as was stated.  It doesn't always happen, especially when I have to say NO to something, or he comes to me in desperation expecting me to fix something or give money for something, or let him LIVE with us and I have to say NO.  THAT is when trouble starts.  And, that is not okay, because he is a grown adult, and we should NOT have to be having these conversations.  My other sons, who are 7 and 10 years younger than he is are SO much more independent, and we NEVER have these issues or crisis' come up. 

But yes, now there is a health scare, and he IS scared.  It is most unnatural to not be by his side, supporting him through this.  I am, somewhat, through texting, or have tried to.  But, I don't want to get into a huge texting battle, either, which so often happens with him. Being in the middle is a very hard place to be.  I think I have "placated him" enough to get through the weekend.  I have my first therapy appointment next Tuesday with an online therapist who works with individuals with BPD, and also used to work in a treatment center.  I am hoping she will be a wealth of knowledge for us, and have great tips or steps for us to take!  My goal is for my family to be together as one, even if we have to navigate things a bit differently with my BPD son.  I don't want us to be estranged forever, and he has now said he will NOT drink anymore (his diagnosis REALLY scared him) and this was one of our boundaries.  Hoping that he will not just switch to weed (which he has also done in the past).  The super frustrating part is that he refuses to go to AA, refuses to get therapy, just REFUSES everything.  He was once diagnosed with ODD/ADHD (along with anxiety/depression), and I have always said ODD is him to a T!  That ALONE is hard to deal with!  This is just so difficult in so many ways.

I find it SUPER interesting that you said, Sancho, that people with BPD can exaggerate their diagnosis for attention.  YES!  He does this OFTEN!  Well, to a degree--I think his anxiety kicks in, and he perseverates on whatever is wrong until he has the worst case scenario in his head, and then lives as if that is happening RIGHT NOW.  And, everyone had better MOVE to help him RIGHT NOW--so intense!  Always has been this way.  Oh, and he was also diagnosed as high functioning Aspergers when he was 17.  Not sure how this plays into things, but he is LOADED with diagnosis's of all kinds!  No WONDER it is so complicated, but then I think, how awful it must be to be HIM and feel all of that every second of every day.  There kicks in the compassion again, and round and round we go.

Anyway, thanks for listening and weighing in--I will continue to talk with my family and try to think of our next best steps.  I do want us to work AS A FAMILY, and I don't want to "go rogue" and do my own thing, but I don't want to "abandon" my BPD son, either.  Again, such a hard place to be, IN THE MIDDLE.  Hoping the therapist will have some nugget of wisdom for us to hold onto--to at least get us through the next week or so!  ONE step at a time...day by day.  It is all any of us can do, but thanks again for listening to my rambling, it definitely helps just to be heard, and I appreciate your feedback!