How to leave it all behind!

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi

So probably classic problems I am facing. I am separated with 2 kids. Met a girl on Tinder. She seemed great but something didnt feel good in my gut. Ignored it because of great sex and all. So it kind of seems that girl has BPD. She is single for 5 years. She cheated on her boyfriend and they separated. She is always saying what a jerk he is that it was nothing special bla bla bla. On the other days she is lifting him high to the sky. She still writes him messages after 5 years of separation. She is 46 years old and she desperately wants a child. I explained her  that I am not the right man but she doesnt want to let me go. We made a deal she will be searching for a boyfriend and in the meantime I will be her "friend". I thought I could handle it but it is kind of starting to take its toll on me. There is all that black and white behavour. Constant fights etc. But she has this strong fear about staying alone. She cant handle it so she desperately clings on to me. I want this to end but I already feel it went too far and it wont go down easy. How did you guys handle the separation to make it gentle and without too much drama?

[Myers75]

Hi

So probably classic problems I am facing. I am separated with 2 kids. Met a girl on Tinder. She seemed great but something didnt feel good in my gut. Ignored it because of great sex and all. So it kind of seems that girl has BPD. She is single for 5 years. She cheated on her boyfriend and they separated. She is always saying what a jerk he is that it was nothing special bla bla bla. On the other days she is lifting him high to the sky. She still writes him messages after 5 years of separation. She is 46 years old and she desperately wants a child. I explained her  that I am not the right man but she doesnt want to let me go. We made a deal she will be searching for a boyfriend and in the meantime I will be her "friend". I thought I could handle it but it is kind of starting to take its toll on me. There is all that black and white behavour. Constant fights etc. But she has this strong fear about staying alone. She cant handle it so she desperately clings on to me. I want this to end but I already feel it went too far and it wont go down easy. How did you guys handle the separation to make it gentle and without too much drama?

[SaltyDawg]

Myers75,

   Welcome to BPD family.  We are here to listen and support you emotionally.

   You have a lot of insight to your situation and what you want -  to follow your gut instinct and gently end a relationship with a person with BPD.

   Encourage her to look for another person on the dating app especially as she wants to have children of her own, perhaps even offer to look together for her - the quickest and easiest method with the least amount of drama is to actively search with her for your own replacement - you want her to 'monkey branch' away from you.  When she does 'monkey branch' away from you, remove the branch so she cannot come back to you.  As you have already observed the primary symptom of BPD is "Desperate efforts to avoid abandonment (actual or imagined)".

   Be mindful of a 46 yo, her fertility levels are in a free-fall towards zero, it is unlikely she will get pregnant without medical intervention; however, this is not your problem to fix - nor should you suggest that to her as it may trigger her.  Most men who are looking to start a family will be looking for a younger woman, a lot younger - so you should take an active role in finding your own replacement even though this may trigger your gf with 'abandonment fears'.  Encourage her not to talk about children ('she doesn't want to scare away the new guy by asking too soon, right?') until she has been involved for a month of more with your replacement - this will give you time to further distance yourself from her by making yourself scarce.

   At the same time, make yourself less available and less interesting - spend more time with your children, and when not with your children, spend more time at work doing overtime - accept invitations to conferences, getaways, etc. that do not involve her.  That way you can blame the activity for not spending as much time with her.  Also consider taking a longer time to answer texts, and when you do, keep them short, simple and brief while being friendly - become less interesting to her.

If she fights with you, tell her you want to take some time to cool off.  Use anything negative she does to create additional space between the two of you.  After each fight or negative incident, make this time longer and longer.  She will feel you pulling away, and if she is self-aware of her bad behavior as the cause, she will correct it.

We made a deal she will be searching for a boyfriend and in the meantime I will be her "friend".

   If you have done the above, with no progress after some time and you want to move on faster than she is trying or willing to do, you might have to pivot and do the rip off the band aid approach, and find yourself another woman on Tinder, and explain she can still be your 'friend,' just as she has done for you - in order to be 'fair'.  Find yourself another, and then _______ [fill in the blank on how you want to communicate to her you want it to end].

   That is the quickest and easiest way to do it - have her 'monkey branch' out and then distance yourself when she does.

   In the meantime, be sure to do self-care, whatever that might look like for you.

   Take care.

SD

[Myers75]

Thanks Salty. Great tips you gave there. We have this deal she is searching for a guy all the time. She is but she says there is no one that fits her wishes. She says all guys want just sex and she cant trust them. She seems very picky. Also I think her condition is affecting her partner search also.

But she also is saying she will never let me go and she wants me by her side forever . She says she loves me bla bla bla.

So we are kind of in a situation where she sometimes treats me like trash but never wants to let me go. And I am getting fed up with it. She also wants to know where I am like 24 hours a day. Those rules dont apply to her. She is very secretive about what she is doing and where she is going.

The problem also is I probably also have issues of my own like lack of self esteem etc. I always came back to her because somewhere deep down I feel she has a good heart and I can feel a child that is hurt in her. But I dont think I can go much longer cause my own sanity is on the line here.

[EyesUp]

@Myers

I hope this doesn't come across as too harsh, but here's the straight talk express...

She is a 46yo adult, and she needs to find her own way. We all do. You don't need to rescue her, and it doesn't make sense to compromise yourself for someone who you know you don't really line up with.

Leaving those dynamics aside, you can't have a FWB situation with someone who is telling you that you're the one and she wants to be with you forever and have a kid together, etc.  It sounds like you want to be a good guy and do the right thing, but the thing you're doing isn't really healthy for either of you.

SaltyDog makes a great point - continuing this relationship could be how you end up with an unplanned kid. I don't know about you, but she'll be 64 when that kid graduates from high school... nothing is impossible, but do you really want to continue to go down this path?

You're posting on the detaching board.  So, here's how you detach: 

"I think you're great. I'm glad we connected. But as I've shared, I'm not open to having a child and it's clear you're not over your ex. In fairness to both of us, it's time to part ways. I wish you the best."

Even that might be too much explaining.

You might boil it down to "I think you're great. I'm glad we connected. However, in fairness to both of us, it's time to part ways. I wish you the best."

In summary: There really isn't a way to break up gently, and avoiding the truth never really works.

The thing you're presently doing isn't pulling off the band-aid, or pulling it off slowly (i.e., gently) - it's intentionally keeping the band-aid on while talking about takin it off later...

Pain is weakness leaving the body. Fortune favors the bold. Carpe diem.

Good luck, and please let us know how you're doing. 

[SaltyDawg]

You're welcome for the tips.

I  believe that you are correct, she is affecting her partner search, that is why I suggest you do it with her, to encourage her to move on.  I believe that she is picky, because she wants to keep you in her hip  pocket so to speak, so when one of these Tinder guys do not work out, she can fall back on you, she is counting on this.

She does trust you for now, and you are likely her FP (favorite person) when she is telling you she wants you by her side forever - this is her truth, at the moment she said this.

However on the flip side of the coin, she is treating you like 'trash' and being so secretive - she is likely burning the candle on both ends - you're likely the 'side dude' and fail-back when the other relationship(s) fail.

The problem also is I probably also have issues of my own like lack of self esteem etc. I always came back to her because somewhere deep down I feel she has a good heart and I can feel a child that is hurt in her. But I don't think I can go much longer cause my own sanity is on the line here.

I am glad you made this statement, I think you are right, I know I have my own issues that point to codependency.  Your perception of her being a 'hurt child' is likely correct too - borderlines have wonderful intentions; however, they do have the emotional maturity of a child and will lash out at the ones they love or care for the most.

Since you have said all of this, you need to consider doing the 'rip the band-aid off' approach a bit more. 

Like EyesUp indicated, he gave a few pointers on how to rip it off, it will be painful, and if go this route, make sure you have a safety plan in place, as a pwBPD can snap and possibly get violent (about 50% chance), a safety plan be found at https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf.  If you are going to go this route, take her out to perhaps the first place you met on a date (full circle symbolism) where there is a lot of people (witnesses) and give her the bad news then - be tactful, and end the relationship there with softer language. 

She will likely claw her way back, and then you will need to use harsher language if she doesn't get the hint - I had to do that with my previous BPD relationship back in 2000 - she did not get violent; however, she pulled every trick in the book to get me back by feigning a heart attack, so I had to bring her to the emergency room until they determined it wasn't, and that is where I left her - sounds cold, but sometimes you just need to cut the rope to save your own $$.

I know you mean well, and you are a good person, and don't want to do this (otherwise you wouldn't be asking here) - so please think about what I have said, and I would like to know you opinion on it.

Good luck, keep us up to date and let us know how it goes.  If you still have questions, please ask.

Take care.

SD