I need help/advice

[0311bsb]

Hello everyone, new here, first post.
I've been with my wife for almost 6 years now. She's been diagnosed with BPD for the last 8 years along with a slew of other mental health issues.
I my self am diagnosed with cptsd, ADHD, and chronic depression.
I spent some years in the military that lead to the cptsd.
I've learned more about BPD than I have about my own mental health problems and I'm still scratching my head at some of the responses and reaction I get from my wife.

If we have an conversation or argument that doesn't go her way she will resort to self harm before she resorts to taking her medicine. Her medicine completely and almost immediately works and helps to regulate at the very least her reaction to her problems but generally helps her regulate her emotions as well.

Our communication is weird, shell ask me questions and I'll start to speak but she'll finish my thought for me or try to come to the conclusion of what I'm saying before I'm done speaking.
Shell ask me to share my thoughts or feelings but if they aren't what she thought I was going to say I'm some how in the wrong.
I'm not rewarded for honesty and a lot of the times I'm spoke down to belittled and invalidated.
She is also very good at conversations and will talk me into a corner to where I have to contradict myself and my values or I have to agree with her.

She's vindictive in nature, if you make her mad or upset her she will cause as many little inconveniences for you as possible. Seemingly on purpose and there is no remorse to her actions following.

There's no middle ground it's either 0-100 either she will overdrive "fix" everything in her own way and that's the right way if you do it differently its wrong.
Or
She will completely stop doing anything retaining to the issue she will just choose not to notice and even if you're trying to take care of it for her and you're struggling she will watch you struggle and laugh to herself before telling me she wouldn't have a problem doing this, it's easy for her, so it should be easy for me.

I have a sleep schedule that differs from hers and I never knew how badly that would be in our relationship.
She goes to bed between 7-8pm and is up by 4-5am (by her own choice not for scheduling purposes)
I sleep from 3am-9am (cause I work until 1-2am and have a second job that I do from home) I'm also disabled physically from the military. So my sleep is very important to me and that lack of sleep causes a lot of my physical disabilities to flair up and those really bother her.
(I broke my back and displaced my hips ina fall while in a training routine so some days it's very difficult just to get up and walk without doing a couple of hours of stretches and readjusting my spine and hips. ) When my disabilities flair up it's very difficult and painful to do certain chores which I've expressed I can't physically do something and this normally just gets scoffed at or a "yeah of course your hurt again" when I've gotten collectively 10hrs of sleep that week. If she has a problem in the morning she will wake me up to fix the problem or tell me about the problem or she'll fix whatever is bothering her with every single light in the house on and as loud as possible while her music is turned all the way up and her talking (screaming) to herself about what the problem is (it's normally slurs about me)

Guys I'm simply lost. I've completed 2 different therapy courses in the span of our relationship where she has gone through 4 therapist that she only sees once or twice before going 6+ months without talking to anyone.
I've offered to go to therapy with her for couples therapy but I'm scared to pay a bunch of money to a therapist that she's not going to continue to see because she doesn't like what they are saying.

Any time you ask her to look at her actions her words any time you try to hold her accountable she will lash out and attack your character. Even if you bring it to her nicely she will find faults with you and blast them on full power. I'm continuously shut down and I feel like a slave to her bpd.

Her physical abuse is getting better but not before it sent me to jail for defending myself against her attack.
She was withholding my PTSD medication and I was trying to explain to her I was having an attack and I tried to reach past her... That was a big mistake she headbutted me in the face and fractured my eye socket I pushed her and kept her at arms length for my own safety trying not to do anything to hurt her as she's throwing punches at me.
I call for a emergency counselor intervention but the cops showed up first at this point were separated but she tells the cops a very different story than what happened I'm sitting with my eye swollen shut, bloody lip, nose, and eye brow and I get arrested for domestic abuse. (she doesn't have a scratch on her..and it was all on video from our security cameras.) this was two years ago but she brings it up so much she now believes her own story and if I try to correct her or even show her the video footage I'm manipulating her and invalidating her experience and perception.


I'm depressed, hurt, lost, angry, I give all of my love, attention, effort, everything I have and have to spare. I've put my career on hold to help her follow her dreams I've moved across the country twice I've suggested therapy, I've suggested a better medication schedule, I've suggested inpatient treatment, I've suggested separation (didn't go well unless its her idea)
At this point I have no actual idea of what I'm supposed to do I love this human being more than anything I've held dear in my life and would gladly do anything to help her.
The self harm, emotional, and physical abuse has to stop or I feel like I can't stay for my own safety.
I just don't know what to do. I've talked to my therapist, I've talked to Drs, family members (hers and mine) and now I'm here.
I'm so hurt and confused and I know this post was probably all over the place but I don't know where to go and I'm just so overwhelmed with all of this.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SaltyDawg]

0311bsb,

   Thank you for your service.



   We are here to listen to you and offer emotional support.

   You have a lot to unpack, and from what you described you have not only been traumatized by your years of service, you are also being traumatized by your own wife. 

    I have faced terrorists twice and I felt a lot more secure facing them than dealing with my own wife when she was enraged.

    I am curious as to what your own individual therapists have suggested you do, we can start there?  I would not advise couple's therapy as that is generally a blame fest until both people can start taking ownership of their own sh!t that they bring to the relationship dynamic.

   I hope your security cameras eventually exonerated you from domestic violence charges even though you were arrested.  I strongly urge you to document everything until things calm down to a manageable level.  Create backups of the footage, and put them in a safe place.

   If you already don't have a safety plan create one.  Here is a link to an example:  https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

   How to manage your pwBPD - I would recommend the following book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life" by Margalis Fjelstad

   This is a very brief summary of the book:  https://margalistherapy.com/articles/borderline-and-narcissism-issues/handbook-for-dealing-with-a-bp-np/

   There is hope, they can change (my wife has); however, it requires meaningful therapy combined with a self-awareness of what they have done something wrong.  However, please be mindful that you cannot fix her - she must do that, you can only fix or change what you can about yourself.

   I know you are at your wits end, and this can be exceptionally overwhelming.  Please be sure to do some self-care whatever that might look like for you.

   Please come back, and ask more specific questions, and I or someone else will try to answer them.

   Take care.

SD

[0311bsb]

I appreciate you reaching out and giving me some reassurance that things can be better.
The only reason I like fighting terrorist more than my wife is at least when I'm fighting the terrorist there are guidelines to escalation. There are specific rules of engagement and that seems foreign to these situations with my wife. 

I'm now getting sent tik tok videos about passive aggressiveness, and narcissistic traits, essentially blaming me, saying I'm the problem. 

My therapist say that I should leave. That since I have my own issues to deal with I can't really afford the mental space to help someone else heal from their traumas too. But I mean it's my wife, I can't just leave her. Nor do I want too because on the good days she's amazing.

The security cameras didn't exonerate me unfortunately and now I have a criminal record. Mainly because she never turned it over as evidence always stating she didn't know how or didn't know where it was stored. I think she was afraid of getting into trouble.

I'm honestly ready to leave but she's going to refuse to leave the house and be petty and "split" everything so I wouldn't be able to to sleep in my bed or even my house. Shell ask me to go sleep on the car and if I don't here comes the blow ups and self harm to control the situation. I don't have enough money to actually get out or break my lease but she's not going to leave until she's ready.
I've been slowly emotionally backing out for the last month because I can't handle the everyday abuse and endless string of questions.

I don't want to leave but instead of trying to change anything about herself she's just blaming me and it's all my fault.
I'm exhausted.

I just want the person I fell in love with not just glimpses of her every once in awhile.
I was thinking couples therapy was more to have a witness to her lashing out and not taking accountability.. she already overly blames me for everything I guess I just wanted another person there to tell me I'm not crazy.

I appreciate your service brother and for reaching out. I'll check out that book you recommended too.

[SaltyDawg]

0311bsb,

   Thank you for responding back.  I typically, I will take what you say, and reflect what you say back to you with a different perspective with some questions intended to make you think in order to make your situation better, since I have been where you have been without a clue on how to get out of the situation.  I will shine a light on a path to move forward based on my own personal experience and what others have experienced.  Only you can change things on your end to fix this, it is up to you to take care of you, that is why I encourage 'self-care' so strongly.


I appreciate you reaching out and giving me some reassurance that things can be better.
The only reason I like fighting terrorist more than my wife is at least when I'm fighting the terrorist there are guidelines to escalation. There are specific rules of engagement and that seems foreign to these situations with my wife.

I agree, dealing with real life terrorists, we are trained, and we often have back-up with a well established organizations with rules of engagement, and procedures to follow making it pretty clear what we can and should not do in those situations and we know the leadership has our backs on this.  However, for our respective wive's, since the law system is tilted in their favor as when men are the aggressors the outcome is generally several magnitudes worse then when a female attacks a male, we need to navigate the legal mine field in order to get hurt.  More often than not the legal system is against us, unless we know how to navigate the system.

I'm now getting sent tik tok videos about passive aggressiveness, and narcissistic traits, essentially blaming me, saying I'm the problem.

Being retired from one of the service branches, I am used to making orders, and that can come off as being aggressive and misinterpreted as being a narcissist or being passive aggressive.  Take ownership, if you are actually doing some of what she insinuates, as her emotions are out of wack, what irritates you or me, will absolutely infuriate her.  Try to see things from her perspective, with everything blown out of proportion, and only validate her feelings on this, but do not validate the invalid, the distorted version of her facts that becomes a false narrative.


My therapist say that I should leave. That since I have my own issues to deal with I can't really afford the mental space to help someone else heal from their traumas too. But I mean it's my wife, I can't just leave her. Nor do I want too because on the good days she's amazing.

I am going to be blunt here, some therapists have absolutely no clue as to what it is like living with a person like this 24/7 - the older ones and ones who cannot handle this will recommend leaving, and this is a solution that will de-escalate the situation on both sides at a cost of losing the relationship, and some of your personal property too, and if you have children it will greatly impact them in either scenario.  I understand you don't want to do that, so you might want to find a different therapist who is more aligned with your own beliefs.  Do you feel as though you have a good camaraderie (do you click) with your therapist, if not, you might want to look for another.


The security cameras didn't exonerate me unfortunately and now I have a criminal record. Mainly because she never turned it over as evidence always stating she didn't know how or didn't know where it was stored. I think she was afraid of getting into trouble.

I am going to be very blunt, having this record, at least where I was, is a 'career ender'.  It will also limit your civilian job opportunities too, you will never be able to carry or purchase a weapon again.

If you have this footage, upload it to a website, contact the prosecutor's office with your attorney or public defender, tell them this is the footage which specifically contradicts your conviction and you would like it overturned / exonerated or you would like to file an appeal on this ruling.  You  absolutely want this ruling removed from your record, it will destroy many opportunities of meaningful and gainful employment in your future with no Statue of Limitations.

This will also establish that your wife is a liar, so when the next time comes (and it will come, I am 99% sure, as she has been emboldened that her lies have been successful and unchallenged), it will challenge her believability on this matter and offer you a level playing field instead of one that is skewed totally in her direction.

She might have gotten into trouble, depending on how male friendly the prosecutor was/is - don't let this thinking literally destroy your life and future.


I'm honestly ready to leave but she's going to refuse to leave the house and be petty and "split" everything so I wouldn't be able to to sleep in my bed or even my house. Shell ask me to go sleep on the car and if I don't here comes the blow ups and self harm to control the situation. I don't have enough money to actually get out or break my lease but she's not going to leave until she's ready.

It sounds like you are renting, and if you have no children together, I could make a suggestion if this were not the 'bettering' board that is in alignment with your therapist.  Perhaps ask this to be moved to the 'conflicted' board for better answers.  How soon is your lease up?


I've been slowly emotionally backing out for the last month because I can't handle the everyday abuse and endless string of questions.

It sounds like you have a good idea on what needs to be done here, as you are not willing to tolerate any abuse - if you read about my history (click on my name to the left, and look at my previous posts) you will see I have set a boundary of "all abuse must stop", and I am doing that from a position of power in the relationship, until you can reverse that DV conviction, that power is limited on you, as she has twisted the narrative and weaponized the legal system intended to protect you to be against you in the worst way possible.  I was able to recognize and navigate in my relationship to block her and call her bluffs on the matter.  I will try and help you to do the same for yourself.


I don't want to leave but instead of trying to change anything about herself she's just blaming me and it's all my fault.

I don't want to leave either, and I am still with my uBPDw, as she knows there is stuff wrong with her (self-awareness, a prerequisite for helping herself) and she is getting treated, even though she is in denial of being a borderline, yet has openly admitted to 8 of the 9 symptoms (she has all 9).  I promised her I would not leave, as long as things are getting better, and it is a long and slow process, I am 4-1/2 years in couple's therapy with her, and only the last year and half has any real progress has been made once I learned how to work within the system.


I'm exhausted.

This is exactly why I recommend self-care, whatever that might look like for you.  A run, walk, out in nature and the elements is one of my favorites, at night, a nice long hot shower, or getting lost in a video game, book, movie, tv-series etc. can also work for me.  Doesn't have to cost much, just do something to distract you from the hell-hole that is your home.


I just want the person I fell in love with not just glimpses of her every once in awhile.

#MeToo, I want my 'wife back', they she was when we first met - not the mean-girl she has become.  She is too bad to stay; however, she is too good to leave.  It is like an addiction, where I want to care for her and make sure she gets better, and I had to look inward to myself with two different individual therapists to see that I have some codependent traits which is keeping me here beyond the expiration date, and I have children who have been affected by this toxic relationship as well as a lot of other things that are keeping me in this relationship, even though most of the passion has left, and I am left with something that is not desirable.


I was thinking couples therapy was more to have a witness to her lashing out and not taking accountability.. she already overly blames me for everything I guess I just wanted another person there to tell me I'm not crazy.

Are you  in couple's therapy - it will be a blame-fest and the couple's therapist will become your wife's flying monkey, so you will now have a two (them) against one (you) scenario - not good.   

Here is my strategy for doing couple's therapy - damage control - I will point out all of the untrue statements my wife says by saing "not true".  I will not directly contradict my wife; however, I will state what I do that contradicts her indirectly. 

One of the more common borderline complaints is that you 'don't do anything around the house/relationship', and she does it all - this is how she feels, even though it is not true.  I state a laundry list of the things that I have done to support the relationship (have one pre-prepared in your mind), my wife will not contradict them as they are true, the couple's therapist will see that I am an active participant in the relationship and will moderate her responses towards me, and challenge my wife's perspective a bit more.  The couple's T will likely have figured out that your wife needs a lot more coddling than you do, so it will still seem that the couple's T is against you when she is not as the  couple's T does not want to chase your wife out of the therapeutic relationship.

I will validate my wife's feelings; however, I will not validate the invalid, the false/distorted narrative that my wife states during sessions or in actual conversations outside of sessions.

Since you are in a DV scenario, she is likely extremely volatile, until things settle down, only validate her feelings, for the time being put on the back-burner her false narratives, don't draw attention to them, until she is emotionally ready to address them.  If she calls attention to them, use "I" words, and state stuff that you do that is contrary to her accusation without coming out directly making statements that call out her false statements.  I hope this makes sense - this advice is intended to diffuse your wife's crisis thinking and bring her to a cooler place without actually admitting to her false/exaggerated narrative.

If you have specific scenarios (like raging, circular arguments, word salad, etc.), please ask, and I will offer up suggestions that you may want to consider.

Take care.

SD