The Person I want to marry has bpd

[Edrien]

 
Hi
I recently realized the person that I love has bpd. long story short, she came first, with a strong love and with one purpose: marriage but she just expressed herself only vie music. then we got explicit and then, she said we are going to have some differences (on some ridiculous things) in the future so we better break up!!!!! then she denied everything! and said it wasn't a 2 way love! and told me we can only be friends or I can accept you as a brother!!!!
after 2 days, her father passed away. she used to talk to me till midnight like always. it gave her comfort till on the 7th day of her father passing, she opened up about the break up and told me things that froze me! she misunderstood every word that I told her explicitly like you are a strong and independent girl! when I realized the whole break up was a mistake, I opened up too but she responded after 3 days angerly that you are selfish and bluh bluh...She did so many things afterward which everybody could perceive as flirting but I was pretty sure that she would get mad if I talk to her again or to respond. until recently I reached out through a mutual friend for forgiveness but she unblocked me, sent a spicy message like you are the only one I will never forgive, I hate you just leave me alone, then blocked. she then unblocked to hear my answers after our friend asked her... she calmed down a little bit, ended the conversation but didn't block, then removed all angry messages and again didn't block. days later I've sent her a short message by this theme: I'm still thinking of you. she replied Hi thank you then blocked. a week later her friend who didn't know about us, sent me a message that leave her alone you are bothering her and... I said what happened? she replied she was anxious and angry and she said it is because of you!!! while we didn't talk for a week!
I'm pretty sure she has bpd and I want to inform her phycologists about this matter but do you think do I have any chance to get her back? is she still love me? my own phycologists told me she loves you but first have to deal with inner challenges like bpd and ptsd but I'm not convinced yet...
pls help me
thank you 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SaltyDawg]

Hello Edrien,



We are here to listen and support you emotionally.

Since you are on the 'detaching board' I will direct my response in this manner even though it would seem like you want to reconnect with her.

I will focus on your statements of her behaviors that you observed of the girl whom you wanted to marry - is that something you are willing to accept if you were to get back with her?  To be treated this way and then blocked repeatedly?

Are you okay with not having a 'two-way' love?

Are you okay with being told 'we better breakup' from the beginning?

Is it okay that she blames you for her anger?

I'm pretty sure she has bpd and I want to inform her phycologists about this matter but do you think do I have any chance to get her back? is she still love me? my own phycologists told me she loves you but first have to deal with inner challenges like bpd and ptsd but I'm not convinced yet...
pls help me
thank you 

I would agree with your own psychologist that the girl you are interested in marrying probably has deep feelings for you; however, it is scaring her, so she has pushed you away, and like your psych. has suggested she needs to sort out her inner feelings before she will reconnect with you.

From what you have described, she has painted you black, or devalued you, unless this changes, and it does some of the time (it's called a recycle) but not all of the time, she will change her mind on having you back where you were once idolized.

While you are waiting for her to change her mind and ask you back - I would suggest educating yourself on what BPD is, and the best way to do that is read a book "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder" by Paul T. Mason MS & Randi Kreger.  Make sure you get the 3rd edition as it has a really useful assessment tool in it to help you understand if she indeed has BPD.

Make a list of questions from this book, and ask your own psychologist and/or therapist if you have one about this to help you sort through all of this.  Also ask your psych about informing her psych of her condition, the book that i mentioned recommends against directly telling your person with BPD about this.

Keep asking questions, and learn about BPD and what it means to be in a relationship with a borderline, most of these relationships are exceptionally difficult as you have already found out.

This can be exhausting, please be sure to do self-care, whatever that might look like for you.

Take care.

SD

[Edrien]

thank you for your kind respond 
first I'm sorry if I left my message in a wrong place, I'm new to the website and it was confusing for me... need time to learn so thank you for your patience.
I'm basically a provident and futuristic person. love business and never though I would experience love, I can't believe I never felt angry or revengeful against a person. all the time I understood her while my own life was on track (BTW I could only get the 2nd edition of the book due to the region I'm living).I fell in love and it is been a while I didn't see her but the feeling gets stronger as she gets spicy each day. I love her and I'm ready to spend my whole life on her just to make sure she gets better and she feels safe. I'm already feel committed to her and to this feeling which we both have (I assume she doesn't have any right now). once she got upset on different tastes in music and then I asked her are you OK? she replied yeah and found out you have no idea how to win a girl's heart but don't ever leave me!! I was beside her all of that time but she felt abandoned. I know I messed up by talking about the relationship on the early days of her father passing away as she pushed me to do and I know she is really hurt but how much time will it take for her to calm down? tomorrow I have an appointment with her phycologist to inform her about the matter and to seek help. will it work? will people with bpd ever reach a stable point in their life?

[SaltyDawg]

I was beside her all of that time but she felt abandoned. I know I messed up by talking about the relationship on the early days of her father passing away as she pushed me to do and I know she is really hurt but how much time will it take for her to calm down? tomorrow I have an appointment with her phycologist to inform her about the matter and to seek help. will it work? will people with bpd ever reach a stable point in their life?

Being abandoned is a borderline's biggest fear.

Like any health issues it exists on a spectrum, some are severe, others are mild, some have comorbidities (other issues at the same time), there are too many variables to guess if it will work - however, her past behaviors will be a pretty good indicator of future ones.  The talk with the psychologist should be helpful.  Some will reach a stable point; however, most don't. 

The 2nd edition of the SWOE book will not have the assessment tool in it.  If you have Amazon in your country, you should have the 3rd edition available to you via Kindle (electronic format).

Take care.

SD