I feel like I am grey rocking (ignoring and not fueling) my di. This approach seems to contradict the acknowledging her feelings- (what I usually do) to fix things. This time, my son has said some awful things. Told me to “Kids his ass” and made threats like “If I ever want to see my grandkids”’ I would have to side with him instead of my sane daughter. Any opinion on grey rocking a PWBPD?
I'm not sure it's a win-win strategy long-term if the goal is to have a relationship with your son and grand kids, although I understand the instinct to lay low and regroup, especially when you feel like you're hitting your head against the wall.
It sounds like your son is in a loyalty bind. Does he normally say things like "kiss his @ss" to you?
Sometimes being "light as a feather" is what people mean when they say grey rock. It's similar in some ways but the intention differs. With grey rock, there seems to be more of a motive to be right rather than get along. It's the old saying, do you want to be right or do you want to be married
I'm not particularly close to my stepdaughter and probably never will be because I've had it with BPD behaviors (in my family of origin and with an ex husband) but it's very important to me that my H does not feel like he's in the middle. Because of that, I put a lot of effort into navigating SD26 behaviors.
I'm light as a feather, very light interactions: light light light.
A couple of other things I've learned -- holidays are dysregulating for a lot of people and BPD people even more so. When SD26 is dysregulating hard I'm almost always able to locate one of two causes: H has said he won't be as available to chat and/or it's the holidays. Since I didn't cause and I can't cure it, the best I can do is not make it worse or take a time out until things settle down and she returns to baseline.
It also seems like your son bought shares in a drama triangle where he's trying to rescue his wife from his sister's behaviors, and you're being lumped in there.
That adds a bit of complexity to what's going on because now sides are forming and this is where BPD traits can really take wing.
If it's hard for you to feel empathy for DIL and you're unable to get past the way your son is taking her side, it might be a good idea to take a short break. Either that, or see if there's a path forward where you can chit chat about things without participating in the drama triangles.
I know with my ex husband (uBPD) he became estranged from his parents over a perceived slight
to me that I didn't even notice, so it was more about them and I just got swept into things. They would send letters periodically and I know they meant well but often they kitchen sinked with too much information, relitigating a case that was never based on facts in the first place, who was in the wrong, what he needed to do differently, how much he hurt his mother, etc.
"How are you? We think about you often and miss you so much" is all that n/BPDx needed to thaw the ice.
I believe pwBPD struggle to reflect on what they're doing to influence your behavior. All that's processed is the behavior that returns to them and there is often no real understanding or accountability for how they set the whole thing up.
It's a big ask to set this blind spot aside. You have to prioritize the relationship above all and not everyone finds that possible, especially when the history of abuse is deep and far-reaching.
