Went in again and got burned

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Hi all,

After making the decision that I was going to disengage with my ex who has a good amount of BPD traits, and really going around in my head about it for weeks and weeks, I thought it was done. But of course he came back fighting for it, and he fought hard...

Funnily enough, something strange caused me to get into a complete spin and I made an impulsive decision to go back in - my friend wanted an update on what had been happening, and she was very forceful with her opinions and telling me what I should do, really throwing the book at him and labelling him as a terrible, toxic person. Something about this approach made me feel very defensive and angry, something along the lines of others not seeing their own shadows but being so keen to write other people off... I also felt totally disempowered, anxious and a bit out of my body from feeling like I was being told what to do without being consulted or heard in terms of what I thought or wanted.

My weird reaction to this was to spend the next few days engaging with my ex and listening to all of his promises... saying all the things that I wanted to hear, which was mostly that he recognised his problems, was going to seek help for them, wanted to commit 100%, knew I was his person, offer me a safe space to be me, wanted to offer me all the support I needed in life etc.

Something was still stopping me from going back in, I just couldn't push past the anxiety of it all, my body telling me the answer and that I should be very cautious and not to make any quick decisions... I said I needed to spend time in therapy and so did he, but that I was willing to start re-building and give it another go. But then after the first time we spent time together, he started to pull back again, and did the very familiar push/pull dance for another week, wanting to see me, not wanting to see me, distant then clingy... till I pulled the pin and said I wasn't going to let him pick me up and put me down like this any longer.

It feels like the dance of a fearful avoidant attachment... but could also be related to BPD. He did say that he's finally ready to seek help for his problems, which have caused such issues in all his relationships - he thinks it's ADHD. I agree, but there's clearly either BPD or fearful avoidant attachment in the mix too... it could be a long road for him. I said I couldn't wait for him, I needed to be with someone who could treat me in a way that reflected my worth. A few extra messages, and now it's done (again).

Wondering if that's a familiar dynamic for BPD. I know it's my fault for entertaining it again, but those promises of things I deeply desire, and the extra moments of intimacy and love - they're so so hard to resist. Despite all of this, I can't help but keep compassion for him and know he doesn't mean it when he runs and pushes me away the way he does. I wish I could keep him in my life in some way... the loss feels profound. Onto No Contact now for the first time in three months since we broke up...

[seekingtheway]

Hi all,

After making the decision that I was going to disengage with my ex who has a good amount of BPD traits, and really going around in my head about it for weeks and weeks, I thought it was done. But of course he came back fighting for it, and he fought hard...

Funnily enough, something strange caused me to get into a complete spin and I made an impulsive decision to go back in - my friend wanted an update on what had been happening, and she was very forceful with her opinions and telling me what I should do, really throwing the book at him and labelling him as a terrible, toxic person. Something about this approach made me feel very defensive and angry, something along the lines of others not seeing their own shadows but being so keen to write other people off... I also felt totally disempowered, anxious and a bit out of my body from feeling like I was being told what to do without being consulted or heard in terms of what I thought or wanted.

My weird reaction to this was to spend the next few days engaging with my ex and listening to all of his promises... saying all the things that I wanted to hear, which was mostly that he recognised his problems, was going to seek help for them, wanted to commit 100%, knew I was his person, offer me a safe space to be me, wanted to offer me all the support I needed in life etc.

Something was still stopping me from going back in, I just couldn't push past the anxiety of it all, my body telling me the answer and that I should be very cautious and not to make any quick decisions... I said I needed to spend time in therapy and so did he, but that I was willing to start re-building and give it another go. But then after the first time we spent time together, he started to pull back again, and did the very familiar push/pull dance for another week, wanting to see me, not wanting to see me, distant then clingy... till I pulled the pin and said I wasn't going to let him pick me up and put me down like this any longer.

It feels like the dance of a fearful avoidant attachment... but could also be related to BPD. He did say that he's finally ready to seek help for his problems, which have caused such issues in all his relationships - he thinks it's ADHD. I agree, but there's clearly either BPD or fearful avoidant attachment in the mix too... it could be a long road for him. I said I couldn't wait for him, I needed to be with someone who could treat me in a way that reflected my worth. A few extra messages, and now it's done (again).

Wondering if that's a familiar dynamic for BPD. I know it's my fault for entertaining it again, but those promises of things I deeply desire, and the extra moments of intimacy and love - they're so so hard to resist. Despite all of this, I can't help but keep compassion for him and know he doesn't mean it when he runs and pushes me away the way he does. I wish I could keep him in my life in some way... the loss feels profound. Onto No Contact now for the first time in three months since we broke up...

[tina7868]

Hi seekingtheway! Thank you for sharing your experience with us.

Funnily enough, something strange caused me to get into a complete spin and I made an impulsive decision to go back in - my friend wanted an update on what had been happening, and she was very forceful with her opinions and telling me what I should do, really throwing the book at him and labelling him as a terrible, toxic person. Something about this approach made me feel very defensive and angry, something along the lines of others not seeing their own shadows but being so keen to write other people off... I also felt totally disempowered, anxious and a bit out of my body from feeling like I was being told what to do without being consulted or heard in terms of what I thought or wanted.

You seem to have a lot of insight as to how your friend`s approach made you feel, and how this affected your subsequent actions. If something like this happened again, in what way would you want to react?

It feels like the dance of a fearful avoidant attachment... but could also be related to BPD. He did say that he's finally ready to seek help for his problems, which have caused such issues in all his relationships - he thinks it's ADHD. I agree, but there's clearly either BPD or fearful avoidant attachment in the mix too... it could be a long road for him. I said I couldn't wait for him, I needed to be with someone who could treat me in a way that reflected my worth. A few extra messages, and now it's done (again).

I`m sorry you went through this again. It does seem like you are clear in what you want, and it`s a fair decision to walk away. 

Despite all of this, I can't help but keep compassion for him and know he doesn't mean it when he runs and pushes me away the way he does. I wish I could keep him in my life in some way... the loss feels profound. Onto No Contact now for the first time in three months since we broke up...

I urge you not to lose this sense of compassion. In the long run, I think it helps with healing. As to whether you can keep him in your life, time will tell. For now, as things are still fresh, it`s important to give yourself the space to grieve before revisiting any different form of relationship.

How are you feeling today?

[seekingtheway]

Thanks so much Tina - good question. If something like that happened again, I'd like think that I had better boundaries in the moment and just stated how I felt about it and him, and said I didn't really want to delve into it further. It affected me a lot, and I think that's because my nervous system is totally shot at the moment, not least because of a three month push/pull situation where I've said goodbye and hello to someone I love about 6 times... I feel so much anxiety at the moment.

I've been waiting to start therapy - the wait hasn't helped... I've needed it for months really... so thank you for also asking how I am - I'm not in a great place to be honest. Quite depressed and anxious, and feeling very isolated and alone. Other things going on in my life are adding to this... life is a bit of a melting pot atm.

The final goodbye has unsettled me... I called it quits on the phone, quite emotional, saying I deserve more, am ready for full commitment and a healthy relationship etc, and can't deal with the push/pull any longer, and won't settle for something casual... he understood... we did a few messages back and forth, including a lovely one from him where he was basically owning everything, saying he agrees I deserve more, and that he'd tried hard, but made mistakes, and it was time for him to deal with everything in therapy... wishing me the best, saying he hopes we can smile each other if we bump in to each other etc.

I probably should have left it at that, but I followed up a few days later with a few long, emotional messages, rounding it all up, saying how I didn't want to lose complete contact, would like for us to touch base some time in the future, what I appreciated about him etc.. he didn't reply - I sent more (anxiously) - he sent a bit of an irritated message back, just telling me that he's fine and just trying to enjoy his holidays... at which point I got upset, because he came back into my life promising this happy ever after story, and pressuring me, pushing me and getting annoyed with me that I would even doubt him... then he pulls back again, and I'm left dealing with a spinning head, a broken heart, not sleeping or eating... and he's irritated with me because he's busy trying to enjoy his holiday. I responded with a firm and strong message to show I was upset about the way he'd responded to my basically baring my heart... it wasn't super harsh but he will know I'm upset.

I can't help but feel him trying to get back with me is less about his feelings for me and more about him desperately not wanting to be alone... which makes me feel angry, because it's my heart and life that's been affected here.

I agree - time is needed before any type of friendship could ever happen, if at all. I need to heal. It just seems like a huge mountain to walk up at the moment. It's a real battle to not contact him and try and smooth over our final interaction. I really struggle with this. I always re-contact to smooth things over when I've spoken in a really strong, harsh way... but I'm trying to sit in the pain of it all and not do that this time...

[tina7868]

My heart goes out to you as I can relate to your situation so much!

In my case, I used to get tired of the push and pull dynamic. I felt anxious all the time, unsure if I should text first or not, and hated that I felt that way. So I would ask for time apart. Then, a week or two later, I would convince myself I had `resolved` how I felt, and engage with him again. Rinse and repeat. I would similarly hear from him, when I said I wanted time apart, that he understood, and hoped we might cross paths in a grocery store again a few years down the line. Within the same conversation my feelings would be all over the place, I would say I needed space, tell him he was hurting me, not be able to hang up. It was all so confusing.

All that to say, I think something similar was happening in both of our cases : we were looking for something from our exes that they were unable to provide. What do you think made you follow up? What is it that you were looking for from him?

When it feels overwhelming, bring what you are thinking about back to you. Yes, we can guess at your ex`s motivations, his feelings, his intentions. Yet, it can be like torture, because you`ll never get definite answers. So, what we can do is take focus away from that, gain understanding of our own behaviours and strive for doing better with what things we can control.

Be patient and kind with yourself. Getting therapy will help, and is a great step in the direction of growth. So is posting here. Reach out any time.

[seekingtheway]

Thank you so much Tina - I just had a quick look at your post history and can relate to so much that you've written - it's funny to see it written out in someone else's words and experience, but recognise the same dynamics. It sounds like you have progressed through your journey with a lot of curiosity and awareness and come to some great lessons.

The push/pull thing has definitely triggered a huge amount of anxiety for me - I can feel my own abandonment wounds really flaring, which I think is a somewhat normal response to someone you love repeatedly telling you that they can't be with you... but then coming back and promising the world – the very words (maybe the ONLY words) that ease the very real pain of that abandonment.

When I first got together with him several years ago, I didn't have the same response when his abandonment wounds would flare out of nowhere - he would react to tiny things that he perceived was me getting ready to reject him... like if I had to work late... to begin with I thought, well that's vastly unhealthy, I can't be in a relationship with that... imagine how much worse it will get later down the track. He would also do a little bit of light stalking - sitting in his car in places he knew I'd be driving past...

Back then I'd never seen anything like it, and it felt so weird and foreign to me that I was almost watching it with a sense of wonder... I actually finished the relationship myself a few months in because I knew it was going to end up in an unhealthy place. So I do feel some and amazement that despite this knowing, I continued to engage with it for the next 2.5 years, even after he monkey-branched to someone else and posted a picture of them on socials a few hours after he called to break up with me... I wanted to believe he was capable of delivering the things he was promising.

Similar to you, I got to the point more recently where I thought that no matter what, I would always be there for him, whether we were together or not. I wanted to support him and be there for him regardless.... but now I'm seeing it just doesn't work like that. And that unconditional love and support - it's potentially something I need to give to him from a distance, and without involvement in his life.

A friend said to me today when I mentioned how disconnected I feel at the moment, and it's not a feeling I remember feeling in my life... she mused that the reason was because I had to switch 'my knowing' off in order to stay in relationship with my ex, because I knew all along it wasn't right. And I do think she's onto something there. It's like I've muted my inner voice, which is why I'm not doing so well with boundaries or other situations in my life as well.

So it seems my task is clear for the coming weeks and months - to bring back the knowing, and heal my relationship to myself...

[tina7868]

Thank you so much Tina - I just had a quick look at your post history and can relate to so much that you've written - it's funny to see it written out in someone else's words and experience, but recognise the same dynamics. It sounds like you have progressed through your journey with a lot of curiosity and awareness and come to some great lessons.

This community was a big part of my journey, and I have no doubt it can similarly play a role in yours. It is freeing to be amongst people who `get it`.

Similar to you, I got to the point more recently where I thought that no matter what, I would always be there for him, whether we were together or not. I wanted to support him and be there for him regardless.... but now I'm seeing it just doesn't work like that. And that unconditional love and support - it's potentially something I need to give to him from a distance, and without involvement in his life.

It will always serve you to be honest about what you feel, and accept it without judgement. Giving `love from a distance` is a notion that has a lot of meaning, because it allows you to stay true to who you are, without forcing a situation that doesn`t serve you.

So it seems my task is clear for the coming weeks and months - to bring back the knowing, and heal my relationship to myself...

You seem to have really good insight, and capacity for introspection. These ingredients will allow you to flourish, whatever the future holds.

When a lot is going on, I like to pick one thing to focus on and actively try to improve. In turn, other aspects of my life get better as well. For example, if I decide getting a good sleep is my priority for this week, then I feel better rested, move around more to make myself tired, which in turn makes me eat better...what is something you`d like to focus on, if anything?

[seekingtheway]

This community is really great. Lots of people who get it and don't throw judgement.

Same as so many people here, I oscillate between the two states of being glad it's over and knowing it wasn't right and wasn't healthy, and then justifying and hoping and dreaming about what was and what could be again. Giving love from a distance is definitely the way it needs to be for now, and potentially forever. Yet I know it's going to be a pretty long battle before my body and brain both accept this fact.

I have often thought that if I cancelled out all of the expressions of love and promises made (usually over text) then what would be left of our relationship? And what I see is someone with one foot in, one foot out, not following through with promises, cancelled trips and weekend plans, special occasions marred by big emotional outbursts, me struggling through my own life stuff alone, yet giving out a whole lot of support.

I have so many special memories and times tucked away with my ex where I did feel deliriously happy, but I think the happiness was based on the fact that he had made all of these promises, said all of these amazing things, and made me think that I was his person... and I was basking in that glow. But if I accepted that the promises were just a way of keeping me from abandoning him, and to just pay attention to the actions, not much of that was love in the real sense of the word. Some of it was for sure, but the vast majority of my delirious happiness with him was based on what he said to me and what he promised. Sigh. So yeah, it feels heavy.

Tina, you asked what I'd like to focus on to change... another good question. I actually have to move home in the next week and I don't have a place to go to yet. This is causing some anxiety and has done for some time, so I think my full focus needs to go on that rather than my ex, and although it's a difficult situation, I feel like the universe is going to look after me, and it's going to play out the way it's meant to, and on the other side of it is a new beginning, a fresh start, and the focus of that is on me and my children, which I feel is a really positive thing. So the sideways answer to your question is that I am going to build a safe, protected, comfortable little nest for myself and keep the focus entirely on me for the next two weeks. I will not make contact with my ex at all and put that energy into me instead.

[tina7868]

Same as so many people here, I oscillate between the two states of being glad it's over and knowing it wasn't right and wasn't healthy, and then justifying and hoping and dreaming about what was and what could be again. Giving love from a distance is definitely the way it needs to be for now, and potentially forever. Yet I know it's going to be a pretty long battle before my body and brain both accept this fact.

I have often thought that if I cancelled out all of the expressions of love and promises made (usually over text) then what would be left of our relationship? And what I see is someone with one foot in, one foot out, not following through with promises, cancelled trips and weekend plans, special occasions marred by big emotional outbursts, me struggling through my own life stuff alone, yet giving out a whole lot of support.

I have so many special memories and times tucked away with my ex where I did feel deliriously happy, but I think the happiness was based on the fact that he had made all of these promises, said all of these amazing things, and made me think that I was his person... and I was basking in that glow. But if I accepted that the promises were just a way of keeping me from abandoning him, and to just pay attention to the actions, not much of that was love in the real sense of the word. Some of it was for sure, but the vast majority of my delirious happiness with him was based on what he said to me and what he promised. Sigh. So yeah, it feels heavy.

The story we tell ourselves is important, and something we have control over. Sort of a glass half empty or glass half full thing. It can change, too.

I don`t know your ex. His expressions of love may very well have been manipulative. On the other hand, to a certain extent, maybe he did mean them. Maybe all those promises were real on his part, but because of his own limitations, emotional maturity, baggage, capacities, all things that have nothing to do with you, he was unable to deliver. What if it wasn`t a case of him caring too little, but on the contrary, caring too much? So much so that unrealistic expectations were involved, and it was `easier` to bail than to wait, from his limited point of view, to be abandoned by the person who could hurt him the most. I don`t know if this perspective makes sense for you and your story, but it did help me.

Tina, you asked what I'd like to focus on to change... another good question. I actually have to move home in the next week and I don't have a place to go to yet. This is causing some anxiety and has done for some time, so I think my full focus needs to go on that rather than my ex, and although it's a difficult situation, I feel like the universe is going to look after me, and it's going to play out the way it's meant to, and on the other side of it is a new beginning, a fresh start, and the focus of that is on me and my children, which I feel is a really positive thing. So the sideways answer to your question is that I am going to build a safe, protected, comfortable little nest for myself and keep the focus entirely on me for the next two weeks. I will not make contact with my ex at all and put that energy into me instead.

This is a lovely goal, seekingtheway! Building a comfortable space for yourself can be so healing. Now is a time to build yourself up, let yourself feel all your emotions, and understand that you are not disempowered. How have your children been?

[seekingtheway]

Yes, your perspective does make complete sense - and I do agree with you.

I don't think the empty promises were made maliciously. Even though the outcome was to manipulate me and make me stay, and for him to feel like he had a strong hold on me, I don't think he meant to do that. I do think he genuinely wanted all those things with me - the future/family/adventure/love/intimacy. But I think he knows deep down he doesn't have the skills to deliver those things to me and there's a lot of shame for him in terms of the mistakes and the hurt that he creates. And the fear was big for him that I would just leave. He said on occasion that his love for me scared him, he was terrified he would give his heart and I'd just leave, especially with all of 'his stuff'.

I know that the woman he monkey branched over to from me ended up accusing him of being an emotional abuser, a narcissist and all kinds of things... I can tell he made all the promises of commitment to her too - and then left 7 months later. So there's a pattern here.

I think he did commit properly to his ex-wife, but she was the one who left him, which deeply, deeply hurt him and I don't think he's yet healed from that rejection. He seems hung up on her, not in a romantic way, but it's like he can't get into her head and understand why she rejected him, why she blows hot and cold on him... it keeps him stuck and chasing for her approval and attention even now.

But interestingly, I had some stories come to me that had allegedly come from his ex-wife, (via two of her closest friends who I was also friends with before I got back together with my ex). They were telling me I dodged a bullet, and that his ex said he was a terrible partner, didn't show up for her at all, and that he totally changed into a bit of a monster right after they got married, and took her to a place where she basically had a breakdown. They said she couldn't stand him, had no respect for him, and that she felt very sorry for me when we got together because she thought I seemed nice and she knew he would just hurt me, and she was extremely embarrassed about his behaviour with women. But then having said that, she has never told him any of this herself, and keeps a perfectly friendly, serene face with him, plus a very tight hold on what he gets up to... it feels like they are still entrenched in their codependency.

I've heard other stories about other women too - there's been a lot of them in the last four years since his separation - some of the stories were not good at all and made me feel very worried - but I kept justifying staying because of the side of him that is so aware and conscious, so good, so gentle and kind...  I really, really struggle to put this down. He is well known in my community for the good he does and the gentle person he is, and this messes with my head... because when I dial into just this side of him, I just want to go back and stay with him forever. Even now I have to fight against that impulse.

Not sure why I'm writing all this now - it just feels like it needs to come out. Trying to process it all.

And thank you for asking about my children - they're doing okay. I protected them from the breakup, didn't make it into a big deal, they've barely mentioned him. But it's been a rough few years for us with my son, and we all need to heal. My son actually shows a crazy amount of borderline traits, but he's only 10, so it's too soon to know... but he's neuro-divergent and has some extreme behavioural issues - I have to exercise unconditional love in the face of some really, really challenging and abusive behaviours. I think that's why I ended extending the same approach to my ex - the journey was aligned and I just felt like if I could stay strong and keep loving them both, stay regulated etc, it would all be okay. But turns out I'm not strong enough to do that, and I realise what a foolish quest that was to begin with.

[Augustine]

Wondering if that's a familiar dynamic for BPD.

Lamentably, it is rarely the exception.

There’s only one instance in which I’d ever think of venturing down that road again: If the deeds > words.

Otherwise, it’s like reading the same novel and expecting a different ending.

[seekingtheway]

Totally agree - words need to match the actions. But this is hard to figure out without opening your heart and giving someone a chance isn't it... I knew I needed to see the action behind all the words, and it just wasn't there... and he knew he was being tested I think, which I don't think he wouldn't have liked the feeling of too much.

If only I could fade that feeling of 'but maybe he could have gotten there if we'd just persevered and hung in there...' I see that feeling across so many other people's stories and objectively I see it's what keeps people stuck in really unhealthy dynamics... yet those thoughts remain even now. That there's a chance he'll turn it around in therapy and come back... aaghhh.

[seekingtheway]

No contact hasn't been going very well...

He keeps making contact... I respond for a little while, but then I basically try and shut it all down gently and tell him I'd like to possibly be friends in the future, but it's time I got on with my life... but keep it very respectful and kind and caring...

He doesn't reply...

But then he makes contact 2 days later, acting as though none of those msgs had been sent... I respond... sometimes the conversation looks like he's really regretting and still thinking about the possibility of 'us', him wanting to spend time together, even being intimate again... but never really saying what he wants... until I shut it all down again... and the cycle goes on.

Last time it happened I told him I needed to create distance now and push on with my life, he said he understood, actually acknowledged what I was saying.

I recognise my part, I could not respond, I could block... I just haven't felt strong enough... I have just sold and moved out of my home (my family home that I owned with my ex-H of 16 years), which was insanely stressful, and we don't yet have a new home to move into. There has been a lot of emotional layers going on with this process for me. And my children haven't been coping with the instability of the situation either, so it's been really rocky. But as soon as I moved out a few days ago, I felt insane sadness, but also felt a moment of strength, and felt like it's time to shut this situation down so that I can embrace this new start and create a life that I actually want. It feels like a significant turning point.

I have been spending a lot of time at my ex-H's house with the kids because the temporary place I rented is not great for kids I've realised... but I was reminded what it was like to be in a family environment where two adults worked together and there is stability and security... that's how it always was with my ex... I have 0 romantic feelings for him, and would never reconcile as a partner, but I'm very grateful he's been here for me in this time... and being around his home the last little while highlighted just how difficult it often was having my recent ex in the home - the eggshell situation was so often a thing... but never was for my ex-H. I want that again for the future... security, safety, consistency...

I hope I can find my strength to hold the boundary with my ex...

[Augustine]

The compulsion fades with time.

You just have to brazen it out until it dissipates.

I’m hard upon the eighth post-relationship month.

Intellectually, my mind was firmly made up on June 1 when I ended the relationship. My intellect outpaced my emotions by five or six months, however.

I’m dispassionate about anything associated with our relationship today, which is a tremendous blessing.

There are two courses potentially open to you:

If you remain firm in your purpose, and avoid reconnecting, your life will be far better. A year from now you will thank yourself.

You’re already intimately familiar with the outcomes of the other course.

[seekingtheway]

Feels like I need to work with my ego so that I can stop the thought I am worth the effort for him to stay and work with his patterns… when I know logically that is not the reason he doesn’t stay. But there’s something in that thought that keeps me in the the dynamic… perhaps I’m trying to prove to myself that I’m worth the effort, I’m worth something…

[seekingtheway]

Thank you for spelling that out so logically for me… this is what I need at this time… straight logic…

He’ll be back at some point, maybe just to see what I’m up to and make sure I haven’t moved on… or maybe for a full attempt to return, I’m not sure. But yes history does tell me how it will work out.

I really don’t want to want him any longer, it’s good to know it faded for you.

[seekingtheway]

Because of what he does for work and in the community, it’s only a matter of time before he gets other opportunities to explore, plus he told me that the woman he monkeybranched to ages ago got in touch the other day… clearly fishing and testing the water with him…. Which pushed me to cut things off because I can’t deal with that part of our history repeating itself again. No way

[seekingtheway]

Actually... just had a hunch and had a quick check on a dating app, and sure enough, there he is. Wish I was strong enough to just block and delete and move on, but instead I sent a hurt message - we were intimate only a few days ago, and he's been messaging how he cares and has regrets, but actually he's out there looking for another relationship. so the truth finally comes out and the cycle completes...

[Augustine]

Actually... just had a hunch and had a quick check on a dating app, and sure enough, there he is. Wish I was strong enough to just block and delete and move on, but instead I sent a hurt message - we were intimate only a few days ago, and he's been messaging how he cares and has regrets, but actually he's out there looking for another relationship. so the truth finally comes out and the cycle completes...

I’m here to confirm that the process of your emotions aligning with your intellect takes from four to six months.

In my darkest moments during my recovery, I’d recollect some of the sub-optimal moments with my former partner to keep myself from wavering.

If she was continuously awful, it would have streamlined the ultimate decision-making process, but she wasn’t. Fundamentally, she was very tender-hearted, and very kind.

She just had a problem that she couldn’t apprehend.

Trying to reconcile the two extremes of their temperaments can keep you rooted into place for many years.

However, once you become firmly embedded, it skews your perception. The demands of the relationship requires you to recalibrate what you formerly considered to be normal behaviour until all of the old standards are discarded.

Then you are trapped. Then you learn to accept the unacceptable.

As I mentioned, the journey back to being yourself again is from four to six months in length.

It’s not easy, but it’s far preferable to the alternative.

[seekingtheway]

I feel what you're saying is right - the first time we were together and he left me for someone else, it took me around that time to find myself again and not feel like I wanted him any more and to feel less pain. When he reappeared after 8 months asking to meet up, I saw straight through it and sent him packing... but then changed my mind because I was tired of there being animosity and I just wanted peace... I definitely didn't want to get back together with him, but then I started listening to his stories and promises once again and I was hooked back in...

But the point is, yes, that timeframe was about right last time. I feel weary at the thought of getting through it. I'm so weary and exhausted of the anxiety and pain that has come from this relationship altogether.

I appreciate the advice about the skewed perspective - again, this is exactly what I need to hear right now... my sense of self and my perception of behaviour and relationships has truly been affected in this process...

Just feels like I'm sitting at the bottom of a mountain after running a marathon...

[SinisterComplex]

I feel what you're saying is right - the first time we were together and he left me for someone else, it took me around that time to find myself again and not feel like I wanted him any more and to feel less pain. When he reappeared after 8 months asking to meet up, I saw straight through it and sent him packing... but then changed my mind because I was tired of there being animosity and I just wanted peace... I definitely didn't want to get back together with him, but then I started listening to his stories and promises once again and I was hooked back in...

But the point is, yes, that timeframe was about right last time. I feel weary at the thought of getting through it. I'm so weary and exhausted of the anxiety and pain that has come from this relationship altogether.

I appreciate the advice about the skewed perspective - again, this is exactly what I need to hear right now... my sense of self and my perception of behaviour and relationships has truly been affected in this process...

Just feels like I'm sitting at the bottom of a mountain after running a marathon...

Hey how you feel is totally valid and not only that, but there are many here who are in the same boat or were in the same boat. So in a twisted sense...you are not alone.

However, another perspective. Now you know you have the grit and perseverance to make it through life. Reflect on that for a moment...many people forget to do this. Yes the feelings are hard, but you have them for a reason...to teach you so you can grow, heal, and do better moving forward.

Most importantly, do not lose hope or faith in yourself. Think of the experience like athletes competing in team sports. Athletes in team sports fight hard to win at all costs so they are not left with the hard feelings. Why? Because they suck. But you know what? They do not quit and give up. They keep playing hoping to win a championship. For those that win they play even more desperately moving forward because they understand the feelings and they would rather have the vindication of winning as opposed to the harsh pit of despair of losing.

How does this apply to you? Simple...you suffered bitter defeat. What are you going to do about it to not have to feel the way you do right now? What steps will you take to improve yourself to achieve that winning feeling?

Do not be so hard on yourself...you are tougher than you think you are and what you give yourself credit for.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[seekingtheway]

Thanks for the re-frame Sinister - yes it's true that it's soon time to be looking ahead and figuring out how I can live the life I really want...

I am probably stronger than I feel, it's a day at a time at the moment.

I talked today to a counsellor for the first time about him, and she straight away said that the patterns are emotionally abusive, and encouraged me to create some protected around me now, so I called a few friends to be a support.

I think one positive step I need to take is to realise fully that I don't choose this relationship... rather than feeling I didn't have a choice and he left me... to remember that I was holding boundaries every time he came back, to test him, and he failed at each one of them. He'd sometimes try and frame it like he was walking away, but he knew I was in a space where I was deeply questioning it/him and was holding him at arm's length. My body knew this relationship wasn't good for me... so even though I feel very foggy and confused from the whole dynamic, and like my relationship antenna has been seriously bent out of place for now - my body still knows the truth and will let me know. I did not feel safe in this relationship at all, and that's enough to make the decision to get out.

[seekingtheway]

A final flurry of contact with my exwBPD has sent me into an emotional tailspin...

I'm trying to sit back and see how my own anxiety has really added fuel to this fire. I seems I really cannot sit comfortably knowing there is animosity between us and I always reach out to soothe the tension after I set a boundary and show my upset to him... I messaged him quite a long, intense message after I found out he was on dating apps at the same time as being intimate with me (which he never responded to), and I felt pretty awful sitting in that discomfort... but then I bumped into him in the community... he blanked me and I blanked him, it was so uncomfortable... so uncomfortable that I ended up messaging him and telling him that I wouldn't ignore him in the future as that's not the type of person I wanted to be... that I was grateful for our whole journey and held a lot of love and compassion for him, but I needed to stay out of contact generally... he responded warmly and kindly... that felt better...

I said I wished he'd just told me outright that we were completely done rather than me finding out on the apps... he said he thought he had been very clear it was over, but was just trying to exit 'gently', which just felt like a big ol' gaslight to me seeing as we've been sleeping together and he's begged me to go back into relationship with him, but then changing his mind multiple times...

I thought it was time to set the record straight, which I've tried to do multiple, multiple times (and then gone back on my word whenever he has shown up trying to start it up again)... but this time I told him that perhaps we weren't the right fit for each other after all because I needed a relationship where the person knew for sure they wanted to be with me, and that I was ready to walk away... I've never been this upfront about it... I left it on a voice message, and was very warm and gentle about it, but was basically saying that I was in agreeance with him that it's over and it's time for me to live my life, and I just hoped and wanted so much for us to end everything respectfully, because our connection was so special and important to me.

It snowballed... I don't think his ego liked ME saying that I wanted out in such a forward way... so then he sent a long message basically re-writing the whole history of our relationship, contradicting everything he's said about me and us in the last year, and more gaslighting in terms of why I'm not right for him... and saying things like he needs someone who will laugh at his mistakes instead of needing to talk about them... his whole tone had changed and I could feel the bitterness and anger...

I would like to say I stayed within myself and held my ground...I tried... I pushed back on what felt like projection... but I got so anxious and confused, my head a total wreck... this whole experience just feels so overwhelming to me... the ever-changing rhetoric, the push and pull, the instability, never knowing where I stand, trying so hard to be there for him all the time, constantly walking on eggshells, not being treated even close to what I deserve...

I sent him some more messages, insistent for him to hear me and see me, and acknowledge the love I'd given him so freely and deeply... desperate for him to validate my truth and my experience.

He sent a final message this morning, and he did give me some validation, stopped trying to change the storyline and admitted I'd done everything I could to show him he was enough, that he was loved and wanted and it was his own issues that meant it couldn't work and that he was sorry for any pain. He then said agreed we shouldn't have any more contact with each other... but the tone was cold and hard... it felt like he knew he had to tick that box to get me to be quiet and go away, and it feels so so final this time. For real. And I'm relieved it's finally done, but in so much pain, I can barely move, can barely look after my kids. One thing is for sure, he might have been the messed up one, but now I am too.

I still love him, can't hate him, but can't have him in my life... and I feel that terrible sense of knowing that I won't hear from him again...

[seekingtheway]

I think I knew on some level that I needed to 'seal the deal' and say something that would not keep the door open anymore, which I think I've always done... I've always hinted that if things changed for him and he figured out how to get on top of his stuff, we could maybe try again... but this time I said I was done... and he responded in a similar way... so aside from his projecting and gaslighting, this is the ending I wanted.

He did say that he felt we were from two different worlds, and I was this person who he envied in terms of my ways of being, but that he would never be like me... that his emotional growth is far behind mine... and this is the truth of it... a truth I just didn't want to face because there's nothing that can change it.

[tina7868]

Hello seekingtheway! It sounds like you`ve been through a lot recently. My heart goes out to you.

Right now, your priority is taking care of yourself. It`s okay to acknowledge your love for him, but coming to a place where your feelings, thoughts, and perspectives are front and center will allow for more stability within yourself. It is safe to be you.

[Collaguazo]

Hi seekingtheway,

I am currently going through the same. Since mid December I have been trapped in an endless cycle of pull - push, each one lasting a few days.

We cut off contact last Friday and yesterday I received an email that saying that she has been thinking a lot about me, that she is confused, scared and in need of my help.

I have been tempted to answer (not gonna lie that I feel guilty and want to help her) but I realized she is either manipulating me to get a response or even if she is actually feeling that way, today in the afternoon I can easily go back to being the most vile human being on the planet.

I am still trying to figure out why I keep coming back to this cycle. Might be a bit of ego, I still care about her, fear of being lonely again perhaps. But it is incredible difficult

[seekingtheway]

Hi Collaguazo,

There's going to be a lot of work in order for me to pick apart the reasons I stay/stayed in a dynamic like that, it's a lot to do with a real decrease in my confidence and self-worth in the last few years, some co-dependency, some of it is a physical type addiction to the highs and lows now I think... fear of abandonment. There's a lot in there for me, and I need to get to therapy to unpick it all and get strong before I feel I can totally let go of it emotionally.

The push/pull thing is damaging... and it only continues because we let it... encourage it sometimes in my scenario. I am just as liable for the dynamic as my ex, which is the part that frustrates me the most. Because I'm very aware of what that means about my mental state at the moment, and how I am involving myself in a dance that will continue to affect my mental health.

It's important to stay compassionate to yourself as you move through it though, I think... try and put understanding and awareness around your actions, and love the parts of yourself that are scared and hurt... I just keep trusting that the process will complete at some point and I'll be stronger as a result. But it's very painful along the way.

[seekingtheway]

Was good to come back to this post and read it back... having just gone through yet another cycle with my ex. My head is somewhat hung in shame to even type that out.

He came back with a new perspective, and medication for his ADHD - and new-found confidence in his ability to communicate and be in a relationship... talks about him going into therapy, seeing it all so clearly, taking responsibility for all the things, wanting to create an equal partnership, wanting to do the work 'together', wanting to support me in my life, feeling like he's always been overwhelmed and anxious because of ADHD burnout, and that's why he couldn't handle relationship dynamics... he said all the things, spent weeks persuading me of his new standing, new confidence...

I was scared and I told him so... said I needed a lot of reassurance... he said he of course understood... but he's in for the long-haul this time... I eventually agreed to be his partner again...  the 'new him' lasted two days, and then it was back to the 'old him'... it ended two weeks later, with drama and gaslighting and manipulation that sent me into near madness... really truly messed with my head... I found out he was also on the dating apps during the process of begging for me back... and again the day after we broke up.

I tried my normal pattern of trying to smooth the ending, so there isn't anger and resentment between us... but then I read the 'Why Does He Do That' book by Lundy Bancroft... I was deeply traumatised reading this book, and seeing my relationship spelled out on the pages... finally admitting the behaviours I'd kept to myself that were abusive and controlling... I finally allowed myself to admit that sure he's got trauma and pain, but his behaviours are still a choice, and he's most likely aware of them, though he pretends not to be.

I needed to go into this period of anger in order to move on... feeling empathy and understanding is natural for me, and that will be where I return one day when I think of him, but he has taken no responsibility for what he's put me through... the control that he was extending over me sexually and financially were something I hadn't wanted to admit to myself let alone anyone else, and has been important for me to admit, the emotional manipulation and gaslighting and stonewalling was all about control... all those actions are his alone, and seeing the mechanisms behind them made me angry.

I stayed when I shouldn't have done - and that's mine and something I need to face and still understand. But I have spoken to a number of domestic abuse counsellors and I'm finding someone forgiveness for myself finally in this cycle - that I kept staying and couldn't seem to extricate myself... these decisions didn't serve me at all and I'm responsible for that... but I didn't deserve to be lied to, manipulated, betrayed and treated so badly...

I have been living with my ex husband for the last month while I recover... I think this is it though guys, I'm finally ready to break the cycle and move on.

I even stood up to him this week, finally found my voice and told him he'd treated me terribly - and that if he wanted peace between us (which he really does because he's really scared of people in the community thinking badly of him), then he would need to own some of his behaviours towards me. He won't. So there we are.

[Classicford]

I did the same thing. She promised things had changed her insecurities had gone she'd had help and was on the right medication. After a 8 month split we got back together we have a child together which made it hard to full disengage fully. She was so charming and convincing. We spent another 2 years together. But things just got worse than the 1st time. There is no pill that will cure this poor souls. They will lie and say anything sometimes to get there way make you feel so guilty. Entice you back with sex. You must not feel bad to walk away it's for both of yourselves greater good. And the kindest thing to do. I've separated again and it's turned into a nightmare. False police aligations  stalking my friends family you have to make everyone aware and block this person totally out of your life if you are going to leave and move away to get any peace. And hope they move on quickly.

[seekingtheway]

Thank you for the reply - I appreciate it.

This time I have blocked him. It's taken a long time for me to be ready to do that. I didn't ever want to do that to be honest. I really hoped for an amicable ending, but that was never going to be possible with me calling him out on his behaviour... I've never told him outright that I think he treated me really badly, and of course he didn't take to that kindly.

The last few weeks of processing this whole thing have been hellish... I haven't felt good for a long time, but going back in for another cycle really took me to breaking point. I know it's my own fault. It's written all over this post that I knew it was the wrong thing to do. And yet I still did it. I did it four times in four months. And each time I lost a bit more of my sanity, confidence, sense of worth, my grip on reality...

And now I don't know how to connect with myself or my joy or peace... I just feel really dark a lot of the time. Suspended in this place of knowing I brought a lot of this on myself, and then knowing that I still didn't deserve the way he treated me. Nobody deserves it. And then sometimes feeling crazy, like maybe he didn't treat me that badly and it's actually me who is messed up... the wonky thinking is just awful.

I know it's done this time because he's starting posting nasty songs about me online, and he's had plenty of time to find someone else now. And because I've now blocked him, unless he's creative about getting hold of me (which I doubt) then I won't see any attempts to contact me beyond here.

[iquanablood]

Hi seekingtheway, it sounds like you are still living in the relationship.  Try to reinvent yourself outside of the relationship, you know you don’t want to be in that relationship anymore. 

If he is posting nasty songs then he is obviously still thinking about you.  But now cracks are beginning to show in his ego.  For the male, it’s a huge blow to the ego to be rejected by a woman, especially a former lover.  My ego got trampled by my pwBPD, so I have tried to create a persona that is egotistical, bombastic, etc, because I will need to be that way if I ever confront her again.  Every time before, I said I would not go back, but she came walking in.  Adios tough ego, hello small little ego who just won the chase but lost the battle.  He’s going to keep chasing you because his ego will not accept defeat that easily.  It is our instinct to win the chase. 

From the female perspective, perhaps you feel the need to make him feel better because that is your motherly instinct.  For a long time, I knew there was something missing from my pwBPD that I really needed.  Then I realized it was tenderness.  You are a good person so you want to be kind and tender to him, but you have to go against your instinct and keep him away.  Makes you feel empty, but that feeling will not last forever. He will chase you because his ego makes him, you will accept him because your instinct wants to be tender and give him love.  Your thoughts are pure, his are not, trust me.

And there is one of the traps, if he catches you again, he’s going to fillet you and eat you for lunch.  All to pacify his ego.  With him, it’s just going to be haha, I win again.

You sound like a very nice person, he does not, keep up the good work, and it is hard work, no doubt about that.

And speaking of songs, here’s some lyrics.  I suggest listening to the song sometime.

“I was hoping for a chance to cross you out,
 but then you came walking in
 and it hit me like I ain’t been hit before
 one of us never changed”
Pretty Little Lie, Blackberry Smoke