Husband of undiagnosed pwBPD. Unsure to Stay in Marriage

[Tokiarch]

Hey everyone, I’m new here - although I’ve been reading other people’s stories for over a year now.  I’m a male 32 in a straight marriage with an undiagnosed pwBPD.  She is 34, we have no kids.  Been together 2.5 years, married for just over a year. 

We are both in individual therapy, and we attend marriage counseling.  Both of us college educated. 

We are still together, but things are very rough.  Our marriage is on the brink of collapse. 

It breaks my heart to pieces.  I adore this women.

I’m not sure where to start, I’ll try to keep this organized but it’s tough.  Sorry if this is too long. 

Maybe some background will help you understand our situation. 

My wife is from Panama, and is an immigrant to the US.  We married quickly, or she would have to leave the US.

Her mom and older sister are both diagnosed BPD. ….Although my wife’s story about that changed.  Early on telling me they both have BPD and now denies ever saying that.   At the time I had no idea what that really meant, or what BPD really is. 

Her mom is abusive even from thousands of miles away.

Her mom will text or comment on social posts backhanded things like, “I see you’re having a happy life without ME.” Or sarcastic things like, “Oh if only my daughter didn’t move far away to live her happy life,  then I’d could be happy.”  Terrible kind of stuff coming from a mother. 

She’s (her mom) the same with my wife’s 3 other sisters. 

Her mom was not happy for us when we got married.  She was acting visibly jealous - and that crushed my wife.  This frustrates me.  I don’t know how to help her in that situation. 

It’s rare my wife gets off the phone with her mom NOT crying.  That is so sad to me.  Her dad comes and goes.  He’s basically not there.  My wife has been in multiple physically abusive relationships in the past.  The last one was so bad she escaped and came to the US to be with distant relatives for a few months.  She’s had it tough.  And she tries to be resilient. 

My family is pretty normal i suppose.  I think I’m lucky, privileged white guy.  My parents are happily married after 35 years.  I’ve of course had some arguments with them, and seen them work through some differences.   They’re good to me, taught me a lot.  I more often butt heads with my dad, he’s very strong minded as am I.  But we are usually able to find common ground.

OUR MARRIAGE:

As with most BPD relationships, the beginning of our relationship was pure bliss.

It started with a literal honeymoon.  After just 2-3 weeks of dating I got a job offer across the country, and asked her to take the road trip with me. 

That trip was something out of a fairytale. 

Long 12 day road trip from GA to WA in a fresh relationship.  National parks, camping, hotels, dinners, sex every morning and night. It was amazing. 

We had a lot of fun, we laughed a lot on that road trip.  We roughed it.  And she was down with the camping out of the car for 3 days at a time - she was into the adventure as much as I was. 

Oh and my dog loved her. 

She was very good with my rowdy German shepherd puppy - and I trusted very few people to handle my pup.  But I trusted her. 

When I finally got to WA, she departed back to the east coast.  But only for a short time.  We stayed in constant contact and a few visits, and a short 3 months later she moved in with me.

At this time there were some red flags popping up, that I ignored.  She would say things like, “my life is perfect with you.”  She was showering me with compliments, stroking my ego like never before.  I secretly knew it was strange.  It was too much.  She was OBSESSED with me.

She acted like I was THE THING that was making her happy.  I rolled with it.  It felt good.  Amazing.  Addicting.  I never felt like I WAS THE THING that made someone happy.  Just me being alive, breathing, made her life complete.

I dated a handful of other women through my my 20s, but none were into me like this. 

She’s also very sexy, smart, caring.  College educated. 

She told me of stories of past abuse.  Really bad kind of physical abuse.  She also informed me of another health condition she has. 

I wasn’t scared. 

My paternal instincts kicked in without control.  I so desperately wanted to protect this women.

My ego was hooked.

Soon after she moved in, things slowly started changing. 

Little things in my behavior and habits would annoy her.  Kind of normal roommate type stuff. 

But then she started getting angry, but a muted kind of angry.   We would talk if there was an issue, but she was noticeably boiling under the surface about certain topics.  Her anger would linger.  Small passive aggressive comments at first… not talking to me for a day.  Looking through me as I speak. 

The arguments wouldn’t get too crazy, or loud, but they were long and frequent. 

She wouldn’t let things go sometimes.

The splitting was starting, but it was mild.

She was also constantly thinking I was going to cheat.  She admitted to digging through my phone on multiple occasions. 

I forgave that behavior.  It was fine I had nothing to hide. 

She felt like she NEEDED to check to see if I was cheating.  Ive felt insecure at times, so I let it slide.   She’s in a new country far away from family, I sort of wrote the behavior off.  I thought it would pass in time if I made her feel secure in my words & actions.

In between we’re all these moments of bliss and love.  Adoration.  We shared that.  I always see her that way. 

The other main stressor at this time….

She came on a tourist visa, but that was expiring.  We extended as many times as we could.

I thought some of the little arguments were “normal stress” given the circumstances and situation our relationship under.  We were making some big life choices together, VERY quickly.   I was signing legal paperwork for visa extensions a few months into knowing each other.  I sponsored her extensions, requiring I prove my income can pay for both of us to live without her working.   

I really love and adore this women, but truthfully at times I was nervous when signing all those documents.   She sensed that nervousness and it made her act in really outrageous ways. 

I know now - that was her fear of abandonment causing her to split.

Me unaware of this at that time, kept believing that I had to do more in order for her to feel secure & happy.  And act it.  I thought the only thing to help her see my love, and commitment was a promise to love her for life. 

So About 6 months after her moving in with me, I proposed to her.  I thought this would alleviate a lot of our minor troubles.  Help her feel secure.  Knowing I was committed. 

The engagement was beautiful.  Lakeside, camping because we both enjoy it.  It was a magical day and trip. 

It relieved the tension it for a short while.  Maybe a few weeks.  But she was verbally attacking me not long after. 

Now fast forward…….

I buy a house 2 months after we get engaged.  We move out of the city.  I start a construction business.  We get married a month after that, on our property.  We get chickens, build a huge garden.  Our house and garden is beautiful. 

From here things change ALOT. 

Our relationship goes from beautiful, bliss to chaos in the snap of a finger.   

Her “triggers” seems to change day to day, week to week.  When the new thing she’s focused on surfaces, she says “she’s always been upset at this” and says she’s been telling me FOR MONTHS, and I’m the one who isn’t paying attention (these are lies / delusions)

The sad part is she really believes the lies she makes up.  She can’t help it.  She remembers the order in which things happen or say incorrectly. 

I often get confused as to what happened or what was in this chaos and arguing.  I start losing MY sense of reality.  It’s disturbing, really. 

I’ve recorded hours and hours of conversations to check myself sometimes.  I go back and listen. 

I’ve asked her many times to go back and listen tot he arguments with me to try to objectively see where we BOTH were wrong. 

She refuses to. 

I’m constantly confused as to why she is mad or upset (if I tell her that she gets more upset because “I should know” what I did to upset her).  I’m always scrambling to adjust my behavior to make her happy - satisfy her.   When I do so, she rarely notices.  Or downplays my changes.  When I make changes or try to tell
Her what I do that shows I care, she belittles those things and says “those are just the basics.”  Things like cooking and cleaning.

She says things like:

“YOU ALWAYS….” Insert something bad
“YOU NEVER….” Insert a house task, that I actually take part in…
“YOU DONT CARE ABOUT….usually her
“NO, YOU FEEL…..” and tell me how i feel
About a particular subject because of xyz things I said or did 2 months ago…..

She will put words in my mouth. 
She will put on this “mocking voice” like a kid does in middle school. And repeat what I say when I’m talking about my feelings. 

That’s where I lose my cool and start yelling. 

She constantly believes that I ignore, don’t pay attention, or don’t care for her needs. 

None of this is true.

I’m making so many changes, and walking eggshells every single day. 

She escalates every little thing into the sky.  She refuses to take responsibility for her words or behaviors.

It’s infuriating.

She is blind to the changes I’m making in myself for her, and also blind to her own behaviors.   As I change, and scramble to make her happy she acknowledges  none of it.  She only brings up the NEW thing of the month that I must change because what I’m Doing is making her miserable.

“She can’t believe HER HUSBAND can’t giver her….. XYZ….”

To taking care of animals.  To spending time together.  To the time we go to bed.  How I speak.  When I speak.  Where we go on a weekend.  What’s for dinner.  Who cooks or cleans….. the list of topics she gets upset about is SO LONG I have lost track. 

She insults my manhood and ego with no shame or guilt. 

In fact as I tell her something she said hurt me, she blames me.  Convinces me i deserve how she’s treating NOW because of something I did or said 3 week ago, 6 months ago.

It’s infuriating. 

She constantly is keeping score.  She always feels like the scale is tipped out of her favor. 

it’s not. 

We both spend so much time doing things for our house, marriage, and family in our own ways.  Yet she constantly believes she is putting in more time and needs more from me. 

I’m exhausted. 

I’m a builder and furniture maker.  I will spend DAYS building various furniture pieces around our house.  Sometimes she will ask me to build things around the house.  I do it all with pleasure.  BUT, Some weekends I don’t want to pickup tools after working all week on customers projects.  I’ll tell her this.  She will insult me.  Tell me she’s going to hire someone to go hang a shelf because “her husband can’t do it”

The anger that brings out in me I regret.

I have punched walls.  Broken things.

She has thrown things at me.  Hit me.  Broken things when she doesn’t get what she wants. 

Anything that even resembles abandonment or engulfment she FREAKS OUT.   Escalates, escalates and escalates everything. 

Sometimes, I don’t go to bed with her because I’m up late writing a contract for a client after dinner…. Which she interprets as “I don’t care about her”. 

If I take an hour to text her back..she will call and  say “I texted you, what are you doing? Why didn’t you answer????   In a very demanding, aggressive tone. 

Usually because I have loud saws running in my shop….

When she pulls in the driveway, I feel like a teenager who’s doing something wrong when the parents come home.  I get anxious and scramble to make sure there’s not crumbs on the counter, or shoes out place, a blanket unfolded on the couch.  I never know what state or mind she’s going to be in when she walks in the door. 

I’m in this constant state of confusion and terror of what she’s going to get upset at next.  My ego is breaking down with every passing week.

I’m in a place where I know things are collapsing.  Every bone in my body is saying RUN, LEAVE.  But I can’t bring myself to actually do it because despite all of her erratic behavior, I still love and adore her.  When she is not splitting to the dark side she is a wonderful, caring and giving person.  She constantly goes out of her way to do things for me and our family.  Our animals, dog and chickens.  She’s wonderful with our animals. 

Deep down she is a wonderful person that is giving.  Always going out of her way for other people.  In that, she finds resentment toward me.  She feels like I’m never doing enough.  Like she’s always giving and never receiving.  This is not true.  I spend so much time changing myself for our family. 

Im not the kind of person who is out at the bar with his friends at night. 

Im home with her, everyday when we’re not at work. 

So it’s confusing to me that she feels I’m not there. That I don’t care.  Because I love and adore this women. 

And I think she has moments where she loves and adores me. 

But deep down, she can’t help but  act out.   Say TERRIBLE things.  Act in mean ways.  Cold shoulder for entire nights or days.  And take no responsibility.  Only get louder and blame me if i express how that bothers me.  To push a response out of me, to reassure herself that SHE is not to blame for anything.

If she does actually somehow have to take blame, out come suicide threats.  She “doesn’t want to live”… talks about how she’s terrible human, bad person. 

It’s metal torture for me sometimes to watch.  As for her too. 

She so desperately is prying at MORE love from me as if she is not getting it, when everyday I pour more and more to her.  Enduring her verbal attacks, and erratic behavior - all while trying to keep my cool and still act in caring ways. 

Some days it’s very hard.

She will often ask me, “Do you love me?”

I always tell her the same thing, “I love you more everyday.”

And it is true.  I love her more everyday.

In all of this, I see a tragedy.

BPD / Borderline is a sensitive word in our house.  It has come up in group therapy a few times.  She gets instantly very mad, defensive.  Says I’m “calling her crazy”.   When I really care and am looking for answers.  I always approach the topic lightly,  but it always gets shut down. 

I’m extremely convinced she has BPD, and has just neve e been diagnosed.  She’s taking doctor prescribed and to depressants and 2 types of anxiety meds.  She’s constantly talking about how sad she is, and anxious. 

I’ve tried some mindfulness exercises with her that I learned in therapy years ago.  Other basic DBT skills my therapist told me about to try to help.    She rejects this. 

I’m so stuck. 

I think I must leave.  I believe at this point if she cannot take responsibility for her behavior, despite so many changes from me.  I must leave.

If I’m not a doctor - I don’t really know.  But if she is truly Broderline, and knowing her mom is BPD - and she cannot read into the traits and talk to our / her therapist about that…. I have to leave.

She won’t stop abusing.  She doesn’t even know she is.  It’s the most tragic thing I’ve ever witnessed as I watch the women I love and adore crumble in front of.  Telling me everyday what she hates about me. 

I may never know if she is truly BPD or not. But I know how erratic, belligerent and flat out mean her behavior has been.  And also extremely delightful in between.  Splitting is a strange and addicting thing I’ve learned. 

Thank you to anyone who read this all. 

I hope I don’t come off as anti-BPD.  I am not.  I am trying to educate, learn, and emotionally process this all.   And also decide if staying is worth it, or even safe. 

I know this might not all make perfect sense.   

I really appreciate you.

[ForeverDad]

We are both in individual therapy, and we attend marriage counseling.

That you are both in therapy is excellent.  Too often we hear members describing that their problem partners refuse therapy.  BPD is often associated with Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting.

Also typical is Dissociation, where a person misremembers past incidents, especially after having ranted and raged.  Weirdly, while denying some things they also seem to skate around other incidents as though they remember but insist they don't.

Her mom and older sister are both diagnosed BPD. ….Although my wife’s story about that changed.  Early on telling me they both have BPD and now denies ever saying that.   At the time I had no idea what that really meant, or what BPD really is...

It’s rare my wife gets off the phone with her mom NOT crying.  That is so sad to me.  Her dad comes and goes.  He’s basically not there.  My wife has been in multiple physically abusive relationships in the past.  The last one was so bad she escaped and came to the US to be with distant relatives for a few months.  She’s had it tough.  And she tries to be resilient.

One common factor with acting-out Personality Disorders such as BPD, NPD and others is that there often is an inter-generational aspect.  Growing up in a dysfunctional and disordered family does raise the risk for each new generation of children.  No one has quite defined how much is genetic propensity versus childhood environment but surely it can be both.

My ex was a citizen but of strong Hispanic descent.  Her father had left and started another family, her mother seemed nice but I concluded was a quiet uBPD.  Stepfather was an abuser according to the daughters' accounts.  But the family had so much bickering and discord.

I had thought I'd "saved" my chosen love but over the years periodic incidents became more frequent.  Her childhood FOO (family of Origin) had that much impact on our marriage.  After a decade of her being more easily triggered and more unhappy, I had the hope that if we decided to have a child, then she would be happy seeing our child discover life.  Oh how clueless I was.

Rather than making her happy it seemed to put a barrier between us.  Rather than improving our relationship and reducing her rage incidents, she pulled away even more.  I was no longer a husband but now a father and she started criticizing me versus her stepfather.  That's how I discovered too late a truism...
Having children does not fix serious mental health issues, rather it adds stress to the relationship and if it fails then unwinding the marriage is even more complication and expensive due to subsequent custody and parenting issues.

My caution right now is that you must address these current concerns in therapy and resolve them long before even contemplating having children.  While divorce can legally unwind a marriage whether you have children or not, it is far less complicated if there are no custody and parenting concerns.

If your marriage does fail, accept the reality without blaming yourself overmuch.  I was stunned in my divorce that my local divorce court studiously ignored all the indications of mental illness.  I discovered that family court does not try to "fix" the parties.  It assumed both persons were simply "bickering" and limited itself to documents and evidence.  No one cared that my ex was the cause of the conflict.  Eventually court and lawyers saw that I was the one proposing solutions, but even that took time.

[Tokiarch]

That you are both in therapy is excellent.  Too often we hear members describing that their problem partners refuse therapy.  BPD is often associated with Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting.

Blame shift, project, denial - she does all of this.  She will act out and say outrageous things, only to accuse me of doing or saying what she did. 

This even happens in our marriage counseling - which I’m sure our therapist has picked up on.

Where I’m hitting a wall is that in therapy, she’s fine in as long as she’s the one complaining.  Only if the finger is pointed at me.  I accept my wrong doings, apologize.  Listen & reflect. 

If I start discussing something she did that hurts me, she amplifies.  Doesn’t even respond to what I said.  Her immediate reaction is to get loud and bring up something I did in the past that “made her” act out, or gave her permission to act out.   The blame shift. 

My caution right now is that you must address these current concerns in therapy and resolve them long before even contemplating having children.  While divorce can legally unwind a marriage whether you have children or not, it is far less complicated if there are no custody and parenting concerns.

I agree with this, kids have been a tough topic of discussion. 

We both want kids, although she REALLY wants a baby soon. I’ve told her that I think the arguing needs to  be under control and our relationship stable, before I’m ready. 

She hears and reflects on that that as, “well YOU are the one controlling MY destiny to have a child”. 

She says the choice to have a baby is solely mine then.  She shifts all the blame on me.

She doesn’t think the arguing can stop.  She says this. 

She uses my feelings about wanting things to feel stable as ammo against me.  She accuses me of trying to “control her ability” to have a child.

She also has requirements for having a child, like the house cleaner.  But that’s used against me when she splits to black… telling me I’m not fit to be a father because I’m filthy, lazy…etc.   Or other insulting things.  She doesn’t really talk about what she wants in her life to feel comfortable about having a child.   She just “wants a baby” and she feels like I’m stopping her. 

It’s so sad to me.  The reality is I’m a caring man, I cook dinner for us 5-7 days a week. Cleanup.  Do the chores.  I’m not absent as a husband, and I wouldn’t be as a father.

But she doesn’t believe that, when she’s “splitting black.” When she’s split to the “white side” I’m everything, the BEST guy.  Her life is PERFECT. 

It’s a painful roller coaster. I’m confused as what to do.

I thought 8 months ago going into marriage therapy would surface things and help get to the bottom. .  It seems to make everything worse.

The longer I am polite and listen in/out of therapy…..  The more she acts out.  Louder and meaner, until I react.  Sometimes that takes days.  Then she pins the whole outburst on me.  She re-writes reality in her mind.  Projects onto me, everything she just did to me.  It’s maddening. She’ll do this right in front of our therapist.

My personal therapist tells me 2 things:

1) If she won’t seek help or look for a diagnosis based on her symptoms, they won’t diagnose even if they believe they have a diagnosis. They found it causes patients more harm than good. If they’re not ready, they won’t diagnose  (ie. Asking about diagnosis and discussing symptoms) We go to the YMCA.  I’m not sure if it’s a policy there or different elsewhere. 

2) if she is truly BPD and refusing to talk about it, it will likely take something really extreme to cause her to seek a diagnosis of any kind beyond depression/anxiety.  She’ll need to hit rock bottom.  So basically… Breaking up - real abandonment.  Or something else very extreme. It terrifies me.   

[ClaritySeeker]

I will re - iterate what the person above said: do NOT even consider having children at the moment.

You need to take control if your lines are being crossed (the relationship seems toxic) and state that you will not put up with her behaviour and you may have to consider divorce - UNLESS she takes responsibility and gets herself under control.

Failing that you will get even more unwell, this is damaging your health.

I am in a similarish position, although she is not as bad now things have settled down but today she took criticism badly and I am the devil again. When I say similarish she is undiagnosed but I have read all I need to read to understand she is not 'normal' but after a failed diagnosis she seems to think she is perfectly OK.

We have 2 kids and not yet married. I am simply managing the situation the best I can to keep my family together.
If I had no kids I would have ended it already.

[Pook075]

Hi Tokiarch and thank you for posting.  So much of what you shared resonated with me and I can remember those feelings in a relationship that was imploding all around me.  It is so difficult to find yourself when everything around you is in chaos and you're taking the blame for everything.  I too received those statements of "you never..." or "you always..." 

That's a hallmark trait of BPD, the black and white thinking.  It's a learned behavior over time.

In my case, the biggest hurdle was breaking the cycles of abuse by refusing to discuss the past any longer.  We all make mistakes and it's good to own that, but we can't live in the past and continue to go through that daily.  Everyone messes up...everyone!  But everyone also has the opportunity to forgive.

Where you're at right now in your relationship, there's two paths forward.

Path #1 is walking away.  It's not working, it will probably never work, and it's time to get out.  You walk away and never look back.  This is by far the easy path and if I'm being honest, it's the one that will allow you to personally heal the fastest.  That doesn't mean it's the right path though- only you can decide that.

Path #2 is to dig in and fix your marriage.  This is clearly the hard path because you're going to have to break some destructive patterns that are occurring daily.  It also means losing the philosophy that she's the one with BPD and she's the one that must change- she's not going to change because she has no reason to.  She's not the problem, you are (at least in her mind).  You can't fight that.  Instead, you must stop being the problem (in her mind) and start being the solution (again, in her mind).

To take path #2, you must stop arguing entirely.  When she's upset, you show empathy and ask what you can do to help.  You show her that you're not going anywhere, you're not fighting anything, and you're always on her side.  You do the hard thing in this situation- you love her just as she is. 

For example, when she gets home, you don't act like all hell's about to break loose...you get rid of that fear and greet her at the door with affection.  Why?  Because she sees that hesitation, that nervous energy, and that fuels her fear of abandonment.  So right off the bat, she's feeling judged and she starts to judge you.  So you stop that, you create a different narrative from the very start.

Path #1 is the route most of us took- it was just too much to deal with and it caused too much heartache.  But path #2 is also viable if you're willing to change the narrative and take the "hard path."  If that's the route you decide to go, then you'll receive ample help here from those of us who have walked it.  It's definitely your decision though and you'll have support here either way.

[ForeverDad]

I suspect her first relationship was not you.  If so, then that means all her prior relationships failed.  So if you're torn about the possibility of the relationship failing, it will just be one more failed relationship for her.

It may sound heartless, but it's not.  It's pragmatic.  If she doesn't start meaningful therapy and stick with it long term (for years) then what you're experiencing now will continue.  You're not the problem, it's her own issues sabotaging her.  Until she addresses them, your relationship won't improve.

And even if she addresses them, really does and doesn't fake recovery, then there will still be issues in the years to come, just lessened.  Full and total recovery as though they'd never been a part of her life would be unrealistic.

As Pook wrote, she might surprise and start meaningful therapy.  The elephant in the room is, will she?  Although this is not a scientific comment, it appears most people with BPD behaviors (pwBPD) do not choose to recover.

Seeking someone to diagnose her may also fail.  A diagnosis is not the end all, be all.  Most of us here never did get a diagnosis.  Even those of us who had to divorce, if there wasn't a diagnosis before, few professionals will address it..  My court seemed to studiously avoid the topic of mental illness, it just focused on making decisions based on the facts and documentation - with the spouses as they are.

[jaded7]

Thank you to anyone who read this all. 

I hope I don’t come off as anti-BPD.  I am not.  I am trying to educate, learn, and emotionally process this all.   And also decide if staying is worth it, or even safe. 

I know this might not all make perfect sense.   

[quote/]

I just read your post from last week. And that is a nice signoff. Most of us involved with BPD partners are, generally speaking, kind and nice people.

Where you say I know this might not make perfect sense? It makes PERFECT sense, better than perfect, it's textbook sense. All of us here have been through these kinds of relationships, and speaking for myself, EVERYTHING you wrote I can say I experienced except the parts about having children or not since my ex and I never discussed that.

I mean, it's nearly identical, in many different ways, to what I experienced, and your thought process is identical to---the confusion, the love, the trying to figure out why and what.

Which should tell you that this is something real, and not you.

[garthaz]

Your post made me cry. I "Saved" my wife from Brazil. I married her and immigrated her to US. She became a citizen. Much of my story is exactly like yours. She does the sarcastic and down-speaking to me. I confront her and she claims I am being mean to her. We have been married for 18 years and today she asked for a divorce. I did not reply. She will forget in a few days.

I had 2 teens when we got married. She treated them like crap. Bother moved out as soon as possible. We adopted her nephew. She yells at him daily. I tell her to talk normal to him and she gets upset with me. He is moving out with his girlfriend ASAP, He basically hates his mom. He has learned how to walk on  eggshells.   

My opinion is for you is to not have any kids.

[Tokiarch]

Thank you to everyone who replied to my long story.  I appreciate you all and your perspectives.  Sorry it took me a while to get back on here. Life distracts, you know?

To the person who cried reading my story.  Im sorry and appreciate you sharing your story.  Kids are a tough topic.  We both want them - but when I express how the fighting we endure is not an appropriate environment to raise a child… she amplifies and says “oh it’s HER fault we can’t have kids”.   This is just blame shifting…

The last few weeks have been ok.  I’m finding when I “mirror” her words it helps to calm things down - sometimes. 

What I mean by that is when she’s triggered (splitting dark) I just repeat to her what she feels (in a non threading or demeaning way).  So when she screams, “YOU don’t care about ME”.  I simply reply with something like this, “I do care about you and your needs, why do you think I don’t care?”

To which she will go on and on and on about things I’ve actually done today, yesterday, last month, 2 years ago… to validate why “I don’t care or love her”. She is convinced and trying to convince me that I’m NEVER there and I hate here.  This is so far from the truth. 

I try to reassure her she’s loved, but give her space to elaborate and express how she feels.  It’s like deep down she secretly hates herself and thinks other people should too. But she’s unaware of the hate she has for herself.  It’s so sad.

We schedule and make time for eachother.  To do things together.  Every week.  I’m not the kind of guy who’s “out with the boys”.  The truth is - I’m home every day with her.  I work from him 90% of the times. I spend hours cooking meals and clean around 5 days a week for us. 

I buy her almost anything she wants.  But when she’s triggered she screams at me asking “why are we poor??”.  That frustrates me so bad.  Money has been tough since we moved into our new house.  But we’re making it.  For about a year after we moved in she had no (legal) job because of immigration status. I paid for pretty much everything.  She had very small
Income for a while.  I was happy and still am to pay for anything.    I’m Busting my A$$$ running 2 businesses working long days sometimes.  She sees me efforts as “selfish”.   

Truth is - My long work days are both for our family and my ego.  I understand this.  I don’t deny this to her.  She seems to believe it’s only for my ego.  This hurts me so bad.  I love her and my work. 

But when I’m working long days - she feels abandoned and splits so fast.  Those days are the hardest.  When I actually need her support because I’m working 14 hour days are the days she splits and rages on me.  It slows down my progress and then forces me to actually not be there for her another day because I’m behind on work.  I owe clients things and my business is small but growing fast.  I can’t explain that to her.  She’ll feel blamed.  And will amplify. 

To this reply:

It may sound heartless, but it's not.  It's pragmatic.  If she doesn't start meaningful therapy and stick with it long term (for years) then what you're experiencing now will continue.  You're not the problem, it's her own issues sabotaging her.  Until she addresses them, your relationship won't improve.

And even if she addresses them, really does and doesn't fake recovery, then there will still be issues in the years to come, just lessened.  Full and total recovery as though they'd never been a part of her life would be unrealistic.

As Pook wrote, she might surprise and start meaningful therapy.  The elephant in the room is, will she?  Although this is not a scientific comment, it appears most people with BPD behaviors (pwBPD) do not choose to recover.

Seeking someone to diagnose her may also fail.  A diagnosis is not the end all, be all.  Most of us here never did get a diagnosis.  Even those of us who had to divorce, if there wasn't a diagnosis before, few professionals will address it..  My court seemed to studiously avoid the topic of mental illness, it just focused on making decisions based on the facts and documentation - with the spouses as they are.

So we stopped couples therapy.  This saddens me.  She forced it.  After a HUGE blowout during the Christmas holidays in front of family - she wanted to skip couples therapy for a few weeks.  Well… when it came time to go back to therapy. The day before she was adamant about not talking about any of the events that happened during the holiday.  This felt unfair.  In a way it was the “blame shift” or rather skirting the blame.  She didn’t want to talk about the events in front of another person because it was mostly about her behaviors.  She thinks coupes therapy is making things worse. 

In fact couples therapy was fine while the focus was on MY behavior  for the first 6 months.  Im
Fine to discuss my downfalls.  Always looking to improve myself.  Only in the last 2 months of couples therapy did we start discussing her behaviors.  How she makes ME FEEL.  And she would amplify in therapy.  Start saying sarcastic things, name call, insult me right in therapy.   Our therapist was pretty gentle.  But our therapist did say that she didn’t see my wife reciprocating the same listening that I give.  This was awkward to hear from my perspective.  In some ways it validated my perspective.  But it made it 1000000x worse.  My wife feels like it’s 2 against 1 in therapy and would say things like “oh you can’t wait to go to therapy to hang out with your best friend and talk SH*t about ME”.   I can’t make this up. 

I’m trying to be understanding through all this.

Now my personal therapist says almost exactly what you say here.  She says the diagnosis might not even matter.  She eventually needs to recognize her behaviors.  And want to work to fix them.

It’s so painful.   

She’s unable to see her part in any of the conflict between us.  She can yell and scream, flail- throw things. And forget that stuff ever happened the next morning.  Act like it never happened.  It’s maddening.  I’m losing my sanity in it. 

These last 2 weeks have been so hard.  She’s triggered almost everyday.  Splitting from “my life is perfect with you” (actually those are her words)… to the “I HATE MY LIFE, I want to die.”  All in the same day.  And then going into hours or multi day rude behaviors, like ignoring, cold shouldering me.  Whispering sarcastic things under her breath.  And yelling at me how I am the source of all her problems.

In talking with my therapist on strategies to help me to calm myself in all this - the mirroring has helped.  Instead of reacting with my “gut” response to her rages, I simply repeat back to her whatever she says in a calm and respectful and caring way. 

She says (or yells) how she feels.  I repeat exactly what she says asking her, is that how you feel? Sometimes I’ll ask her why she felt so different a few hours before. She’ll deny ever saying something different.

The splitting is such a confusing thing.  To see someone’s perspective on you as their lover, and their perspective on their own life flip from “perfect” to “turmoil” in a matter of minutes is heart wrenching. 

In all of this the thing has both calmed and disturbed me is knowing that her state of feeling is always temporary. 

In the “perfection” state it’s easy to forget, and just live blindly in bliss.  But I’m consciously aware that those moments won’t last.  On the flip side - when she’s in distress or “splitting dark” it helps me to stay calm to know that’s also temporary.  She will eventually stop the insults and crying, yelling and come back to her senses and see that I’m here, and always have been.  I’m trying to be here for her.  Sometimes I want to run when she’s insulting my person, beliefs and wants. 

Thank you all for reading.  These last days have been hard . Just trying to write some of it down.  It helps to know there’s other people out there who have been through the same or are experiencing it right now too.  It rips my heart to pieces to watch her crumble multiple times a week. 

[wanderer11]

Tokiarch,

Just wanted to say, I am going through a remarkably similar situation to you, and I know how tough it is. So stay healthy and make sure you take care of yourself and other aspects of your life. Think very carefully about having a child unless you are sure you would like one in the current relationship. Don't be pressured to do anything you are unsure about for changes that have not yet been demonstrated.
 
I posted on the bettering relationships board originally but I would now say I'm more on the conflicted about continuing side.

For a couple of years I tried everything to change the dynamic, couples and individual therapy. Eventually (this year) our couples therapist ceased the therapy as my partner was trying to use the sessions to convince the couples therapist to convince me to have a child immediately, and not to work on relational skills.

This made me come to a realization. I have important needs for communication in a relationship and respect. I shouldn't have to feel bad about wanting to bring children into a relationship which is not stable. I shouldn't have to compromise on being labelled disrespectfully or being told what I feel or think. The couples T asked me to write down a list of what I would consider aspects of a loving caring relationship, and how I could get those needs met (in this relationship or otherwise). Perhaps you could try this too?

These changes I have made in asking for these needs to be met have resulted in more willingness to change from my partner than ever shown before (after a lot of protest).

Despite this, I don't see recognition of the hurt caused, and it seems more of a negotiation about the levels of unhealthy communication allowed in the relationship, instead of a mutual commitment to stop these behaviors. Our relationship is still unstable. I am thinking carefully about the next step.

Stay strong, keep healthy, keep the individual therapy if you can and good luck