Need Help Setting Boundaries

[AcheyMom]

Hello, haven’t been on for a while. Christmas went by and I didn’t speak to my 33 yr old BPD.  I am taking a hands off approach at the moment to let her face the consequences of her actions and grow up.  I have tried everything else. If ever we have some sort of relationship again I need to be stronger.I need to be able to set firm boundaries.  But I am a naturally kind and loving person whose instinct is to nurture and care for everyone.  I can be myself around my husband and other adult daughter because they don’t take advantage or abuse me.  Despite my personality they don’t see me as weak.  They respect me, and our relationships are mutual with an equal amount of give and take.  My BPD daughter drains anyone who has a relationship with her.  Sad to say but she sucks the life out of people.  I’m probably codependent or maybe just an empath but I feel everyone’s energy whether it’s negative or positive.  My daughter’s energy is very dark.

Anyway, I am enjoying my time away from her, I feel at peace for the first time in a long while.  Except for the nagging feeling that I am a horrible mother for not having a relationship with both my children.  That and I worry about her and still love her.  Because she is so emotionally immature I see her as a small child who needs to be cared for and get sucked back in within minutes of being around her.

Does anyone have any recommendations as far as courses they’ve taken or books they’ve read on setting boundaries?  I need to learn how to not be affected by her barrage of insults and rage before I reach out.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

The simple answer here- don't reach out.  Problem solved.

Think about it this way.  You look out your window and see a bear in your yard.  He looks friendly enough though so you go outside to talk with the bear, at which time he mauls you.  Six months later, the bear is back looking as friendly as ever.  What do you do?

That's the situation you're in right now as you try to toughen up before letting your kid belittle you.  You're not a horrible mother and you don't owe your daughter anything after 33 years.  If anything she owes you.  The key here is to let that nagging feeling go, to accept that you're not in control of your daughter's life and you never will be. 

She will do her thing until she decides to change, and that has nothing to do with you...except whether or not you'll try to poke the bear a few more times.  You know what happens when you do that, after all, and you know the impact it has on your entire family.  The simple answer here is not to do that anymore.

For boundaries, a great starting place is, "If you bring a barrage of insults, I'm finished talking to you today."  That's the boundary that you're establishing right now, without doing anything.  When it happens, you walk away or hang up the phone.  Problem solved.  You have to do it consistently though for it to cause changes in your kid's outlook.

I sympathize for you because I've been there.  In fact, I'm there now with my 25 year old BPD daughter.  Accepting abuse is never the right path though and the goal is not to toughen up...it's to stop taking abuse.  Make it known that's not acceptable and then step away anytime it starts.

I hope that helps!