Apologies this is a bit long, I’m a mother of 4
It’s a real mess, iv known for a short while about BPD. But in the storm our relationships have broken down epically.
A brief history.
I’m a survivor on CA
My first boyfriend I meet at 14 and left home, we had 3 children in our teens, we broke up at age 20, Unfortunately he became unwell and had schizophrenia, borderline and was an incredibly violent human.
At 23 I meet another guy and we had a baby, he most definitely was borderline, he abused my children and myself for 5 years. Eventually I escaped the Uk and came to Australia for a new life.
My children are now 26,24,23,18.I am 43 and married to a beautiful balanced kind human at last.
my eldest son has schizophrenia. And I believe my 24 year old son and 23 year old daughter have BPD.
Because I let the monster in when I was 23 for those 5 years I have lived a lifetime of shame, regret and remorse. But through therapy I have somewhat changed. My children have grown up and their behaviours are difficult, challenging, unbearable, repellent. I long to hold them and be with them but I have become the punch bag, the bad one, they want money, they are so quick to anger, I walk on eggshells. My daughter I’m still pretty close to and we seem to work through most things ok, but my 24 year old son I fear I will never be close to again. He tells lies that are so painful, he manipulates he rages. I see clearly the hurt little frightened boy, but the things he says and does are just so destructive and iv pushed him away, which has caused him to feel so rejected. He has no friends left, he is using dope to keep his mood calm, we have begged him to go to rehab. He has chronic anxiety. He is so thin. He is very depressed. But can be unbearably abusive and we barely talk now.
Is there hope
I don’t know how much more of this heartbreak I can take
My eldest who has schizophrenia is now in full time care, I was his carer for a number of years. My daughter has a partner and is due to have a baby, I want to be excited about this but my daughter has admitted she is “much better” at silent treatment and withholding love, and each week there’s a new issue that I have apparently caused. So again I walk on eggshells. I’m no victim I speak up but I’m always in the wrong and the problem is, I love them all so deeply I want to forget forgive and move on. But we are stuck in turmoil. Iv been with my new husband for 9 years and married for 3, he says he has never seen anything like it. Why can’t you guys just get on.
I feel so alone, my husband is kind and talks and is thoughtful but he can’t really understand. I miss my children my youngest is so ok, so for that I’m very grateful as I feared he would have a temperament like is dads but he is like me. He is off travelling back later this year. I miss him very much. I have created a beautiful life for myself and that makes my adult children angry and throw hateful remarks they say I ow them, they say this constantly. They say I’m a
PLEASE READ mother they say many things. Yes there was terrible instability in their childhoods and I’m so sorry but I was an incredibly loving human. I played with them, we were always at the park. I did my absolute best with what I had. There was no extended family it’s always just been me. I’d really love some words because my heart hurts so much and I am strong but this empty void where I thought my adult children would be is empty or filled with drama.
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