Please help me repair my broken relationship

[Kellyjoy]

Apologies this is a bit long, I’m a mother of 4
It’s a real mess, iv known for a short while about BPD. But in the storm our relationships have broken down epically.
A brief history.
I’m a survivor on CA
My first boyfriend I meet at 14 and left home, we had 3 children in our teens, we broke up at age 20,  Unfortunately he became unwell and had schizophrenia, borderline and was an incredibly violent human.
At 23 I meet another guy and we had a baby, he most definitely was borderline, he abused my children and myself for 5 years. Eventually I escaped the Uk and came to Australia for a new life.
My children are now 26,24,23,18.I am 43 and married to a beautiful balanced kind human at last.
my eldest son has schizophrenia. And I believe my 24 year old son and 23 year old daughter have BPD.
Because I let the monster in when I was 23 for those 5 years I have lived a lifetime of shame, regret and remorse. But through therapy I have somewhat changed. My children have grown up and their behaviours are difficult, challenging, unbearable, repellent. I long to hold them and be with them but I have become the punch bag, the bad one, they want money, they are so quick to anger, I walk on eggshells. My daughter I’m still pretty close to and we seem to work through most things ok, but my 24 year old son I fear I will never be close to again. He tells lies that are so painful, he manipulates he rages. I see clearly the hurt little frightened boy, but the things he says and does are just so destructive and iv pushed him away, which has caused him to feel so rejected. He has no friends left, he is using dope to keep his mood calm, we have begged him to go to rehab. He has chronic anxiety. He is so thin. He is very depressed. But can be unbearably abusive and we barely talk now.

Is there hope
I don’t know how much more of this heartbreak I can take
My eldest who has schizophrenia is now in full time care, I was his carer for a number of years. My daughter has a partner and is due to have a baby, I want to be excited about this but my daughter has admitted she is “much better” at silent treatment and withholding love, and each week there’s a new issue that I have apparently caused. So again I walk on eggshells. I’m no victim I speak up but I’m always in the wrong and the problem is, I love them all so deeply I want to forget forgive and move on. But we are stuck in turmoil. Iv been with my new husband for 9 years and married for 3, he says he has never seen anything like it. Why can’t you guys just get on.

I feel so alone, my husband is kind and talks and is thoughtful but he can’t really understand. I miss my children my youngest is so ok, so for that I’m very grateful as I feared he would have a temperament like is dads but he is like me. He is off travelling back later this year. I miss him very much. I have created a beautiful life for myself and that makes my adult children angry and throw hateful remarks they say I ow them, they say this constantly. They say I’m a PLEASE READ mother they say many things. Yes there was terrible instability in their childhoods and I’m so sorry but I was an incredibly loving human. I played with them, we were always at the park. I did my absolute best with what I had. There was no extended family it’s always just been me. I’d really love some words because my heart hurts so much and I am strong but this empty void where I thought my adult children would be is empty or filled with drama.



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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Kellyjoy
You surely have lived through difficult times and still this is the case. You were so young when you had the responsibility of small children, dealing with abuse. Just awful.

But that young person I can also hear in the last part of your post - playing with the children, in the park, having fun with them. I am glad that you can see that you did your best.

Parents of BPD children are faced with constant blame. It is so difficult because we all feel responsible for our children and want to make things right. It's only when we see that no matter what we do we will be blamed for what is happening to thme, that we can see this for what it is - part of this awful illness.

As a parent we hope for two things I think: the first is that our children can move to becoming independent adults taking control of their lives and secondly that we are able to form a strong bond with them in an adult way.

For many people with a child with a disability - any form of disability really, it is important to know that this child has a structure of care built around them as an adult, that does not depend on you. In this sense it is good that your son has care and support. You love him dearly - and part of that love is making sure the support he needs can be provided.

So glad that your youngest is going well. That also must bring some joy to your heart. It can be so hard though to appreciate this when you are so bombarded by your loved children with bpd. It is hard enough with one child with this condition, but two . .

Sometimes it helps to 'let go' of what we thought things would/should be like. In the early days I used to read the Nelson Mandela poem 'Letting go' often to help me realise that I can't do it for someone else.

Once I had shifted a bit there I was able to understand the idea of 'boundaries' - what I needed to be able to keep going myself.

Then I moved to stop JADE ing ie not judge, argue, defend or explain . .

I am so glad you have come here because it is the one place I find where people understand exactly what the journey with a loved BPD family member is like.

You are not alone . .

[livednlearned]

Hi Kellyjoy,

I'm a big believer in hope. Look at the odds you beat. You were in two highly stressful abusive relationships and had not only the strength to leave once but twice, and then found a different kind of strength to trust someone who treats you well. You've raised 4 kids under some of the most difficult circumstances and it's possible, given the genetics, that they could've developed BPD under even the best conditions.

BPD is a vulnerable neurology. It's like a nervous system that's so sensitive it interrupts the smooth development of a full, healthy real self. You can't fix that, and you can't undo the past, but you can change things about yourself and that change can lead to change in the people around you.

This has definitely been true for me with my BPD stepdaughter.

It will be tougher for you because you're mom and there are multiple BPD patterns in play. What made it easier for me is that my love for SD26 was tempered and I didn't have to work through guilt, although of course there is always some of that going on, at least some of the time.

My advice is to treat yourself with kindness. Hard-core kindness. The type of kindness that is made out of titanium steel. People like us who have BPD family members don't get to take self-care lightly. You can't take a bubble bath and call it a day. You have to model what self-care or self-love looks like and really mean it.

Your kids are in pain, but it's their pain. They're adults and they're accountable for what they do with the pain they feel. Do they want to get better? Do they want to feel better? Maybe. But they want you to fix it and you can't. Being codependent with their pain won't help them, it will just give them a bigger target to kick. When they sense you feeling guilt about the past, that validates for them that you must be responsible so you must be the one to fix them. And that's impractical.

I'm convinced that we overlook how much our kids want us to respect ourselves.

Your kids aren't going to think change is possible until they see it modeled in you.

It's hard work, but it's also hopeful because it's genuinely something you have control over.

With SD26 I didn't talk about the changes or verbalize what I was doing (because that seemed to make the target bigger) I just did it. Sometimes it took days to figure out how to respond in healthier ways. I even had to write down a list of the feelings I had when she was around, then categorize them, then come up with new ways of responding, which was always the hardest moment because each new behavior had to be tested.

Sancho has really suggestions too. Some of the things we work on here are not intuitive and must be learned, and some of it is very simple but hard to do consistently, so we learn and stumble and get stronger and two steps forward, one step back we get somewhere that isn't always painful, all the time.