My partner is mad at how someone else handled something and that they didn't do things exactly as they felt they should. When this happens, my partner doesn't seem to be able to separate what they don't know from what they believe they know. The motive is assumed, and therefore is fact.
I find that my uBPDw will change the facts to match what she is feeling at the moment. Her facts are quite often distorted to being a false narrative. A normal person (you or I) would adjust our feelings to match the facts; whereas, a pwBPD will change the facts to match their feelings, as that is the core of being borderline, is that they wear their feelings on their sleeves.
In trying to talk about this to the person, I tried to bring up alternate explanations, not to excuse what the other person did or didn't do, but to point out that the motivation isn't necessarily always driven by anger/hate/whatever toward them.
That blew up into a dual front argument in which the person they are angry at is the way they are because I never address the situation with the person they're angry at.
Well, from their perspective, you aren't, even though you are not aware of it - they do not think like a normal person, so their perception of reality is skewed.
My wife used to say that my narrative was wrong, she taunted me to record her (I did, but I don't share the recordings as I think she knows what she has said, and she doesn't want to confront it), and she cross-examines our children, and if our children witnessed the said incident, they will give her the same observations that I had already given her.
This led to the type of argument I haven't had in awhile, where my partner keeps changing the subject and terms of the argument to make it clear that there has to be a bad guy, and they're tired of being the bad guy, so therefore other people have to be the bad guy. (Note: the idea that there doesn't have to be a bad guy in a disagreement is a non-starter.).
This is 'blame shifting' pwBPD are notorious for doing this. They cannot accept the shame for doing something, so in their mind, they have not done it, so they shift the blame to anyone other than their self - whomever is the least likely target to give them any pushback. Once I set a boundary for my wife, that I will not accept her blame shifting, she has transferred/projected her blame on to our children, and I need to protect our children from that. With a lot of therapy, she is actually starting to accept blame, even though some of her apologies are really out there, up until last year, she had never apologized for any of her actions.
So because my partner is angry at someone else and I didn't react with the same anger, I'm now the person who has the anger directed at them.
Your partner craves validation of their viewpoint from the person closest to them, and if they don't get that then they direct their anger towards you for not validating their perceptions. I also pushback on my wife, when this happens. I will validate her feelings; however, I will no longer validate her version of distorted facts that she has twisted to match her present feelings. This is a comparatively new boundary I have mandated along the general theme of "all abuse must stop".
Ultimately, it ended like it always did when we had frequent arguments. I try to smooth things over and make concessions and apologize, and my SO makes absolute statements about how they're tired of how I ALWAYS do something and they're not putting up with it anymore.
My feelings are irrelevant. My words aren't important, nor is my side. My apologies are too little, their apologies are non-existent.
For me 'making concessions' and 'apologize' for things I really shouldn't apologize for, as I didn't do them - this is called 'appeasing'. While appeasing is a short term solution to stop an argument, it is not a long term one, as you validated the invalid (example: apologizing for something you did not do, but they did, and you accepted the 'blame shift' in order to apologize for it - crazy making behavior).
I have apologized from time to time, when I do something wrong, I own my sh!t. Up until recently my wife refused to apologize, and now she does occasionally; however, her explanations are indeed 'out there', definitely not how a normal person processes these things.
And the worst part is that all of this stemmed from something completely ridiculous.
Same here. If I find an argument starts to go in circles, or becomes irrational, I pause the argument, and ask her to resume it 'tomorrow morning', as that is when my wife has an emotional 'reset' after a 'sleep cycle' - and then she has forgotten about it, as it was really insignificant. However, about 5% are significant, and we will talk about it the following morning, 95% are just 'out there' / 'ridiculous'.
How does one respond when your BPD person is angry at someone for things that don't happen in your presence or don't impact you in the same way that they do them? I know I'm foolish for trying to make them understand my point of view, but it's depressing when you can't even get it heard.
I too find foolish for trying to make them understand my point of view, as they only can grasp a very small chunk of it, and the rest is 'out there' and doesn't make sense.
I generally respond with logic, and if logic is not accepted (circular arguments / irrational thought processes), I 'pause' the argument, until a time that my wife will likely re-regulate, and then most of the time it becomes a 'non-issue'. I know this is how my pwBPD thinks, so I have adapted my responses to minimize the impact of her thought processes, and generally ignore her issue, unless it is repeated 3 or more times, and then I will address it.
Yes. The problem I had is that sometimes I am told I need to be the solution to the problem and do things I don't necessarily want to do, feel comfortable doing, or think is the right thing to do. And I'm not sure how to respond. If I just agree, it'll be held against me if I don't do it. If I don't agree, it's a sign I'm evil. If I back out of it, I am told I am "running away".
I was told the same things, even from our couple's therapist. However, I have since established 'boundaries' that need to be maintained, where I will not validate the invalid. I will validate her feelings only, and not validate her distorted facts (do not validate the invalid). Also if the argument goes in a circle, or becomes irrational, I 'pause' the argument by saying a white lie of "It seems like we are going around in circles on this issue, I would like to take a pause on it, and resume this discussion tomorrow morning, so
I don't become too upset over this". The "I" should be a "you"; however, that will upset my wife, so I use "I" statements, so she does not perceive that she is the issue on this, and I am somewhat truthful on this as I do not want to become upset, but in reality I am defusing an upcoming rage from her. Would something like this work for you. MsSalty?
In any event, be kind to yourself with Self-Care whatever that might look like for you.
Take care.
Keep coming back, and ask more questions...
SaltyDawg
P.S. I am interested in how you picked your alias MsSalty - mainly out of curiosity...
