Mother always seems to know when to act up

[Our abuse recovery guide]

If you've been following my posts, my mother has had health problems including a badly infected eye that she had to get surgery for. She's already had one surgery, one upcoming (big) surgery, and possibly more in the near future.

She has been asking money from me to help her pay for it. I have been LC with her. She has been asking $2,000 for her upcoming surgery. Last week, I partially sent her $1,000, but didn't have enough to cover the entire amount.

So the other day, the 15th, knowing that it was pay day, she texted me:

"I want to call you, but nevermind, you will only be put in a bad mood if you hear my voice."

At the end of the day, I sent her the remaining $1,000 and texted her, "Sent the remaining $1,000. I already sent you $2,000 total."

To which she responded, "Thank you very much! I wasn't able to respond to you right away because I was at the condo and got groceries. God bless always"

I texted her back and said, "I'm not going to be able to send you money anymore. I have a lot of bills to pay."

I just wanted to set the expectation that for her surgeries in the near future, I'm not going to be able to provide financial assistance. What do you think?

Also, why does my mother always seem to show her face when I'm in the midst of adversity? On the same day, I found out that I might need to be seen by a doctor. When I had a miscarriage last year, she called and acted up on the same day too! It's almost like she knows the very moment I hit a hurdle in my life and decides to show her face to further my suffering.

[zanyapple]

If you've been following my posts, my mother has had health problems including a badly infected eye that she had to get surgery for. She's already had one surgery, one upcoming (big) surgery, and possibly more in the near future.

She has been asking money from me to help her pay for it. I have been LC with her. She has been asking $2,000 for her upcoming surgery. Last week, I partially sent her $1,000, but didn't have enough to cover the entire amount.

So the other day, the 15th, knowing that it was pay day, she texted me:

"I want to call you, but nevermind, you will only be put in a bad mood if you hear my voice."

At the end of the day, I sent her the remaining $1,000 and texted her, "Sent the remaining $1,000. I already sent you $2,000 total."

To which she responded, "Thank you very much! I wasn't able to respond to you right away because I was at the condo and got groceries. God bless always"

I texted her back and said, "I'm not going to be able to send you money anymore. I have a lot of bills to pay."

I just wanted to set the expectation that for her surgeries in the near future, I'm not going to be able to provide financial assistance. What do you think?

Also, why does my mother always seem to show her face when I'm in the midst of adversity? On the same day, I found out that I might need to be seen by a doctor. When I had a miscarriage last year, she called and acted up on the same day too! It's almost like she knows the very moment I hit a hurdle in my life and decides to show her face to further my suffering.

[Notwendy]

We also attribute mind reading powers to BPD mother. Now, logically, we know that is magical thinking but sometimes it seems she can. I think the reason for our seeing her as having these powers comes from growing up in a family where she did have a lot of power- and children are magical thinkers.

There's no way your mother can know something about you unless you share it, but I also think my mother knows our facial expressions and voice tone. Your mother knows yours and so if you are concerned about something she might detect a change when speaking to you.

I hope that your medical visit goes well. I am sorry for your pregnancy loss and that your mother could not be emotionally supportive at that time.

You are very kind to help your mother get the surgery she needs. I think this is a difficult boundary- what to help with and basic needs- like medical care, food, shelter- it's morally distressful to consider not helping them. And yet, when they aren't careful with their own money or have boundaries with your finances, we also feel resentful and have to protect ourselves from being taken advantage of.

Also, one can't assist someone financially to the point of not being able to meet one's own needs. I think it's good that you have made a point that there's a limit to your help. That may not change your mother's expectations so you will need to say no if you aren't able to provide the funds. That is difficult but if she doesn't have boundaries with your money, you will need to have them.

[Tangled mangled]

Zannyapple,
I have followed your story in the past.
I’m sorry to hear about your loss/ miscarriage. I can imagine how difficult it must have been to be going through that and at the same time to have to deal with your mother’s behaviour. I experienced a similar situation, in my case I had a CSection and in my mother’s mind I had brought shame upon the family as all her grandchildren should be delivered  like the Hebrew women in the bible. There’s a lot of trauma around the birth of my first child and the emotional cruelty I endured from my mother.

I too was hooked on to providing for my parents. If my mother had a surgery I would given my last penny to fund it. I find it unsettling that you just sent $1000 for the surgery, informed her and she responds to that with telling you about groceries she bought- I’m here thinking she has spent the money you sent to buy other stuff- well that’s what my mum will do and she she will casually rub that in my face. My parents too always had needs that could never be met so 4 years ago I stopped sending money to them. They are in their 60s and 70s too but I reached a point where I had to stop, it was my life or theirs and I chose mine.
My ex husband did help see things the right way even though he has bpd. He just said we need to stop sending money and I was at the time ready to send my mom money for her birthday even though I was struggling financially.
Four years on, she’s still alive, her high blood pressure and peptic ulcer have not killed her yet. In the past she fabricate an urgent need for money and I will give in , after that she will tell how she used that money to help other people or spent it on alcohol. She’s a communal narc, and enjoys showing off at my expense.

It was difficult for me to cut off from spending money and it caused emotional distress for me at the time but like a muscle, my resolve to not spend a dime on my FOO has grown over the years and I have even extended this to my siblings. I can usually cut off before they get too close to start demanding money from me. The trick is minimise communication- my FOO can only reach me by email.

Do take care of yourself, it does take a toll on you to give in to their demands. Remember that if you don’t send money she will find a new host to parasite on- my mother certainly did. These days I laugh at it when I hear cousins say they sent her money. I don’t feel guilty at all.

[Methuen]

And yet, when they aren't careful with their own money or have boundaries with your finances, we also feel resentful and have to protect ourselves from being taken advantage of.

Also, one can't assist someone financially to the point of not being able to meet one's own needs. I think it's good that you have made a point that there's a limit to your help. That may not change your mother's expectations so you will need to say no if you aren't able to provide the funds. That is difficult but if she doesn't have boundaries with your money, you will need to have them.

I just want to echo this. If we feel resentment, that is the red flag telling us we need to change our reaction to the problem.  It's sometimes a thin line between supporting and enabling.
 

If you've been following my posts, my mother has had health problems including a badly infected eye that she had to get surgery for. She's already had one surgery, one upcoming (big) surgery, and possibly more in the near future.

She has been asking money from me to help her pay for it. I have been LC with her. She has been asking $2,000 for her upcoming surgery. Last week, I partially sent her $1,000, but didn't have enough to cover the entire amount.

So the other day, the 15th, knowing that it was pay day, she texted me:

"I want to call you, but nevermind, you will only be put in a bad mood if you hear my voice."

At the end of the day, I sent her the remaining $1,000 and texted her, "Sent the remaining $1,000. I already sent you $2,000 total."

To which she responded, "Thank you very much! I wasn't able to respond to you right away because I was at the condo and got groceries. God bless always"

I texted her back and said, "I'm not going to be able to send you money anymore. I have a lot of bills to pay."

I just wanted to set the expectation that for her surgeries in the near future, I'm not going to be able to provide financial assistance. What do you think?

I think your sending her the email that you can no longer supply her with funds is perfect.  I would have left off the part "I have bills to pay".  This is unnecessary, plus it dangles something for her to argue with (she has bills to pay too).  You are not required to "explain" or "defend" or "justify".  Just keep it simple the next time it comes up.  "As I said in my last email, I can no longer supply you with money". The power will be in the silence that follows the period at the end of the sentence.

Do take care of yourself, it does take a toll on you to give in to their demands. Remember that if you don’t send money she will find a new host to parasite on- my mother certainly did. These days I laugh at it when I hear cousins say they sent her money.

I have to agree.  My mom doesn't parasite on me for money, but from my childhood she groomed me to be her caretaker.  When I came out of retirement and returned to work strictly to set up a "boundary" with her, she freaked and raged and said things no mother should say to a daughter.  I spent my life trying to consider my mom's feelings and doing kind things for her (including making HER my matron of honour and including her on family holidays with our kids).  None of that lifetime of care, mattered, when I returned to work at age 59.  It was a classic black/white.  I was evil because I wasn't going to be available to take care of her needs 24/7.  I was burned out.  My tank was empty, and there was no more filling it if I spent too much time around her.  My point?  My mom quickly groomed two "friends" to cater to her needs.  One of them is 90. 

I'm telling you, they find ways to have their needs met.  Those friends will have to set their own boundaries.

I feel for you, I really do.  It's a terrible place she's put you in.  I'm having a hard time imagining this.  I think it would be worse than what I am going through truthfully.  But she's an adult, and needs to solve her own financial problems, rather than making you her solution to her financial problems. 

I hope you are able to engage in some really good self-care.

[TelHill]

zanyapple, those are coincidences only. She would find a bank vault full of money if she had special powers.

My BPD mother will take a mile if given an inch so be careful to keep to your boundaries.  Should she need more medical care and you do want to give her more money, make it contingent upon seeing her hospital bills. You can say you want to make sure the hospital has correctly billed her - not double charging or putting in erroneous charges.

I'm very sorry to hear about your miscarriage last year and your current health issues. My parents don't give me emotional support with my health issues but bend over backwards when my gc sibling has faced them. I know it doesn't feel good.

[Notwendy]

zanyapple, those are coincidences only. She would find a bank vault full of money if she had special powers.

My BPD mother will take a mile if given an inch so be careful to keep to your boundaries. 

Good one, maybe mine isn't magic after all.


BPD mother is depleting her finances quickly. We have told her we are not a source of income for her. I sometimes wonder if she isn't doing this deliberately but I think for her, it's a form of addiction in order to self soothe. I have to have this boundary with her because she doesn't have boundaries.

I think it's a good suggestion to ask to see the medical bills but also, you can arrange to make a payment directly. One can pay many medical bills online now. In the US, an elderly person without income may be eligible for Medicaid. In other countries- maybe there is a public health care system? If a parent is in need medically- first see what support services are available to them. You may decide to supplement or help with a copay- but if you do- a direct pay to the provider ensures that the money goes to that.

Even with all supports in place, it's frustrating. I have a friend whose NPD father is in skilled nursing on Medicaid. Medicaid allows a very small personal allowance. My friend helps by bringing him extras, like snacks, and other things he likes and still, he gets angry at her for not bringing more.

She's doing what she is able to do for him- but the "not enough" comes to mind- to them, whatever someone does may not feel like "enough". So do what you feel you can do- if you choose to. You decide what "enough" is for you, as they may not acknowlege that.

[zanyapple]

Good one, maybe mine isn't magic after all.
She's doing what she is able to do for him- but the "not enough" comes to mind- to them, whatever someone does may not feel like "enough". So do what you feel you can do- if you choose to. You decide what "enough" is for you, as they may not acknowlege that.

You're very right about this, Notwendy. Because the moment I say no, she will tell me that "I've never helped her" nor do I want help her. Everything that I've done in the past will be forgotten about like they never happened.

I just want to echo this. If we feel resentment, that is the red flag telling us we need to change our reaction to the problem.  It's sometimes a thin line between supporting and enabling.

This is also correct. I have been LC with her and so the only contact I have with her is during holidays, birthdays, or if she needs money. I think in my mind, because I don't talk to her as much anymore, I don't provide a listening ear to her problems, I don't even know much about the outcome of her surgeries... that the only support I give is through financial means, that this is ok. But you are right. It is still enabling in a way.

Thank you for all your advice. She has been sending me bills for her past surgeries and other expenses, but for this most recent surgery, she has not. I assumed that she needed to ask money from me because the doctor's office was asking her for a downpayment since this is significantly more costly than the other more minor surgeries.

In her past surgeries though, she would pay for them out of pocket, then I reimburse her once I receive pictures of the invoices. There is indeed something fishy about this most recent surgery because when I asked my dad if she has gone to schedule it, my dad doesn't even know. She was crying on the phone asking for money in December because this surgery is supposed to be "urgent", but once she received the money, I haven't heard anything about it.

[zanyapple]

zanyapple, those are coincidences only. She would find a bank vault full of money if she had special powers.

Good one, maybe mine isn't magic after all.

You're right. She doesn't have superpowers. Just that the timings are always impeccable, like the universe hates me and conspired to make it all happen at the very "right" moment.

[zachira]

Your mother may not have super powers yet she is very skilled at manipulating people, especially her children. When we are the child of a disordered mother, we are often trained from birth to enable her, AND it is difficult to stop enabling her because of the early ages the manipulations began and how long they have gone on. It is not like when we start with a complete stranger, and we limit how much personal information we share from day one. Our mothers have known us since birth so it can seem sometimes like she has super powers because of how well she knows how to manipulate her child into serving her needs.