Hi Havenhelpus, I'd like to join Sancho in welcoming you to the boards
I can imagine the hurt you feel when you just want to love and support your daughter, and she swings wildly between loving you and hating you.
So many approaches that can make things better with a pwBPD (person with BPD) aren't intuitive; like Sancho mentions,
Over time I learnt to modify my response ie I kept a little distant even when things were good. I changed my mental approach to my relationship with dd and saw myself as walking beside her rather than 'with her'.
It was hard because I could see all the consequences of the bad decisions - but that was how it had to be and it did help a lot in the long run. The 3 'C' mantra was very herlpful - I didn't cause this, I can't control it, I cant' cure it'. Stepping back a bit can help us to find the space to nurture ourselves and in the long run enables us to keep going on the journey with our loved child.
Sometimes focusing on getting ourselves stable and healthier, even if it seems "selfish", can be more helpful to the relationship.
Not sure if you've seen it yet -- we have a section of articles on
When a teen or adult child has Borderline Personality Disorder. If you have a moment, check it out, and let us know what seemed helpful or to match your situation.
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Can I ask how old your daughter is?