Hoping for some hope

[pipefitter]

Hi everyone, first I wanna say thank you to everyone here for all the advice. Knowing that there is an online community like this one thats been through exactly what I have makes me feel like im not alone.

Im feeling pretty down in the dumps. My pwbpd discarded me during a serious rage/splitting episode a week before Christmas. This has been our second major break up. it's really hurting right now bad because she has all communication between us blocked. email text socials etc. I think I understand why she's doing it. It was a natural escalation of her ignoring behavior from our first break up. I lost my cool too and told her off after I found out she cancelled me from our car insurance policy without telling me and I saw she was liking other dudes workout pics like 3 days after she kicked me out. Thats what led to the blocking.

I do want to continue with her. I genuinely do love the woman she is when bpd doesn't override her. I truly love her children as if they were my own blood as well. She also has thousands of dollars worth of tools and my belongings still at her house that I would ideally like back. If she hasn't thrown them away already.

I understand where I went wrong, again. I thought by going into the relationship with a lot of the tools I learned her and in therapy I would be better equipped to deescalate fights and talk with one another. That was our biggest problem during our first relationship. Turns out, I just became a better codepandent and door mat. Her rages and anger really increased this time around to the point where she became physical with me a couple of times. I have worked with my T to come up with a few important boundaries and consequences for breaking them.


Im just feeling hopeless these last couple days. It's been almost 4 weeks of being completely cut off and blocked from everything. My gut told me at the start of this incident that she was blocking and dumping me to punish me and that she would be back. but now im constantly second guessing that. I have started worrying more about what I can control in this situation, That is myself. If anyone has any stories of their pwbpd circling back after blocking you completely it would definitely give me some hope. I guess im looking for validation from your stories which I know should come from myself. But thats where im at. I guess im just at a low point. thanks to anyone for replies

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[Pook075]

Hi friend, I'm so sorry that you're struggling.  This might help.

Focus ONLY on what you can personally control.  If you have no control over it, then for now you have to let it go.

Sadly, at this time, that means your relationship.  I do understand how you feel, I've been there, but if she's walked away and cut off contact then talking it out is no longer within your control.  So turn your focus away from that since that's where all this heartache comes from.

What can you control?  Your finances, your health, your hobbies, your other relationships...that's where all your energy should be currently focused.  You can make impacts in these things and while it might feel counter-intuitive, these are the things that will actually help you heal.

Now, I know what you'll think- you don't want to heal and move on, you want to fix your relationship.  I completely understand.

There may be a time when reconciliation will be within your control, when you have an actual voice and an opportunity to make a difference.  That day is not today though, so it's smart to do everything in your power to improve your own circumstances while you wait it out.  That's physical and mental health, that's other relationships and other passions.  Those are within your control today and pursuing them will make you a better person.

How?  Right now you're miserable, and that's something that's in your control.  So stop being miserable, get out there and do great things that you're passionate about.  That change in focus will eventually change your perspective on a lot of things, and all of that will be beneficial whether you reconcile or not.

Again, I understand- this sucks.  We've all been there and never want to go back.  The first step is breaking that co-dependency and accepting that you're going to be okay no matter what.  And you do that by focusing on the things you can actually control today.

[pipefitter]

I agree with with everything you said. I was talking with my T last week about it being difficult to hold 2 ideas at the same time. Trying to prepare and heal codependency and work on boundaries specific to my pwbpd. But also healing and moving on at the same time. It’s rough.

  I have a lot still invested in this relationship. Emotionally and financially. Even if the relationship is permanently over with I still would like to get my stuff back. I just don’t know if any moderate functioning borderlines come back after getting to the point of blocking all communication

[Pook075]

I agree with with everything you said. I was talking with my T last week about it being difficult to hold 2 ideas at the same time. Trying to prepare and heal codependency and work on boundaries specific to my pwbpd. But also healing and moving on at the same time. It’s rough.

  I have a lot still invested in this relationship. Emotionally and financially. Even if the relationship is permanently over with I still would like to get my stuff back. I just don’t know if any moderate functioning borderlines come back after getting to the point of blocking all communication

I'm about 18 months out from breaking up and I still have some emotions I wish were gone. My wife was here today helping paint a room and we talked casually, normally even.  I'm not attracted to her anymore, in a lot of ways I don't even like her as a person.  The love is completely gone...yet there's still something there.  Maybe the need of validation?  I don't know.

For the first 6-9 months or so, I disassociated and told myself she's bad, I don't need her, etc.  Basically, we 'fake it till we make it' and that can get you through...but it's not actual healing and the scars remain fresh.  Any little thing rips open the wound and you go through the extreme emotions all over again.

You want to reconcile, and there's nothing wrong with that.  We all get to choose and nobody gets to tell you what to do in that respect.  Breaking that co-dependent bond means you're actually choosing though...not rushing back to what feels safe and familiar (even though it's broken).  At some point, you have to find yourself once again and it feels like someone just flipped all the lights on so you can truly see.

I'm so sorry you're going through this and the emotional pain it causes.  It does not define you though once you realize that it's okay to let it go.

For me, what helped truly let go was realizing that this wasn't about right or wrong, or proving that I'm a decent enough person.  It was accepting that my wife's actions were because she was/is sick and not seeing things clearly.  For example, the other day she said that I used to be an extreme narcissist, and for a moment I almost responded badly.  But I caught myself and remembered that her beliefs are not within my control to change.  At least she used past tense- it actually felt like a win overall.

If I hadn't healed though, those words would have cut like a knife and I would have either responded ugly or been hurt for weeks.  It's so much easier when you can think, "She's sick and her viewpoint is off because of it."

I hope that helped.

[pipefitter]

It definitely does help. I don’t feel as compelled to go rushing right back like I did during our first break up. I think part of that has to do with what you said. I see what she is now. She’s a person that has an illness through which her world is filtered.it desensitizes her words a lot. What really still cuts me are the actions. The rages. The violence. The lack of empathy. Her overwhelming emotions even overriding the love she has for her children. It all sucks.

I would like to at least try it again. There are so many unknowns right now that I don’t know if it would work. That’s why im taking the time to focus on myself. Ideally I would like my tools and possessions and to maintain a relationship with her kids. Unfortunately, assuming my stuff isn’t in the trash already, that would never happen unless she’s getting what ever it is she feels like she wants out of that arrangement.

[Pook075]

It definitely does help. I don’t feel as compelled to go rushing right back like I did during our first break up. I think part of that has to do with what you said. I see what she is now. She’s a person that has an illness through which her world is filtered.it desensitizes her words a lot. What really still cuts me are the actions. The rages. The violence. The lack of empathy. Her overwhelming emotions even overriding the love she has for her children. It all sucks.

I would like to at least try it again. There are so many unknowns right now that I don’t know if it would work. That’s why im taking the time to focus on myself. Ideally I would like my tools and possessions and to maintain a relationship with her kids. Unfortunately, assuming my stuff isn’t in the trash already, that would never happen unless she’s getting what ever it is she feels like she wants out of that arrangement.

Now that I'm well outside my relationship, I respond so much better to my wife and we actually get along a lot better.  If she could love me for me, then I wouldn't be opposed to giving it another chance and I think it could be a lot better.  But I'm on the other side of the rainbow, so to speak, and I know what I want in a partner and what I actually need to be happy in a relationship. 

In my case, I've realized that my wife can't love me that way anymore, and I've also realized that we don't have to settle.  That's what healing does for you though, it lets you see what's non-negotiable (like laughing, excited to do life together, etc) and what really doesn't matter (who cleans up after the dogs, who cooks dinner, etc). 

BPD relationships are full of ridiculous nonsense fights that should never happen in the first place, which makes it so easy to get off course and instead of just focusing on just loving each other.  So use this time- I promise it's invaluable regardless whether you reconcile or not.  If you do, then the relationship will be better than ever.  But even if you don't, you'll be ready for the next relationship or feel pretty darn good just being single.