Sister with BPD, Sweet Nephew in the Middle

[confusedolsister]

Hello members,
I've been estranged from my Mom, and sister for several years.
My sister is a vicious BPD who has been psychlogically and physically bausing my beloved nephew. Long story short, this loving sweet nephew of mine has recently been trying to bridge communication between her and I, and I think it's due to her possibly manipulating him and using him as leverage. He is 18 now and still lives with her. She will not seek therapy, nor does she ever take accountability for her abuse, toxic behavior and manipulation. He being the only child and a life-long victim of her manipulation doesn't see thw whole picture as I do. He is used to being her punching bag, and is used to being manipulated. He has so much love for her in spite of this and has a fundamental need of her approval, which breaks my heart...there's a lot more to disclose about the background story here so I'm summarizing the backstory for the sake of asking a very confusing question.

I'm sitting here with Covid, she and I are not in touch...but she managed to get my nephew to want to bring me chicken soup she has made for me. I told him two days ago, that I did not want any soup, and that I was fine. She went ahead and disregarded this statement, and he messaged me just now that he will bring me soup she made. I feel terrible telling him not to do that, but I literally don't want any type of gesture from her. The last time her and I interacted, she tried to attack me in a psychotic break, and insulted me with every angle she could possibly muster up. Not to mention, she has been gaslighting me to other family members for the enirity of my chosen estrangement from her. Spreading the most vicious lies, things that are unspeakable, and shocking in reality.

Should I feel terrible for continuing to set my boundaries even though my sweet nephew is being put in the middle of this? I'm so conflicted. It feels like the right thing to continue to reject her olive branch, but I feel bad that she has put him in the middle of it!

[Notwendy]

Hold on to your boundaries. It's not personal to your nephew- he's just delivering the unwanted soup. As long as he knows it's not about him. "Oh thank you so much sweetie-that is nice of you to offer to bring it- but I don't want soup". Then maybe arrange to meet him- just him- for lunch or something later when you are well again.

Your nephew only knows what he's been raised with- to serve his mother's wishes. He doesn't know any different. How to have a relationship with him and not your sister is a challenge. Assume that anything you say to him will be shared with her.

If you do see him- keep discussions about her out of the conversation. Make your get togethers focused on him. What is he studying in school or ask about his job. What does he like? If it's sports or video games- then let him share these with you. If he likes sports- watch a game with him or go with him to a school game. Likely he is expected to focus on is mother- but are any adults interested in his world?

Children don't have much choice in our relationships with our parents. Adult children- still feel a connection to parents but it also has elements of adult relationships- we tend to make connections with people who share our interests or are interested in us and will listen to what we share. You can connect with him as an individual- it's not "against" his mother- he's a separate individual.