Hi BubbleBeeTuna and a heartfelt
to the group. Glad you found us and were ready to share what's going on in your life; we understand how stressful BPD relationships can be.
It makes sense that you're here on the "Bettering a relationship" board, especially given that you two have kids. How old are they, and how are they doing?
You mention that you and your W are separated -- are you separated but both in the same home, or is one of you living elsewhere?
And how did you find out about your W's diagnosis? Did she tell you, or did the therapist tell you, or...?
...
BPD is a serious mental illness that impacts the person's emotional regulation and thought process. She experiences wildly varying and harmfully intense emotions that feel real to her in the moment. She may also struggle with a weak or absent sense of self -- of being a distinct individual with agency to make choices. All that combined means that following her lead, letting her set the tone for the relationship, will get you some severe emotional whiplash and not really make things healthier. She's going to struggle to accept that she needs help because she doesn't feel like she does, doesn't have the insight to process how her choices impact you and the family, and the shame of needing help is too much for her to cope with at her low skill level.
Like M604V mentioned, her having BPD isn't your fault or under your control, and there is something in us that led us to partner with someone with those traits.
But that connects to what Jabiru brought up -- we don't control our partners. We can't make our partners do things, want things, or change things.
The only thing that is 100% under your control, that has the possibility of impacting your relational dynamic, is what you do.
That doesn't mean that what she has done is OK or "not that bad". What it does mean is accepting the reality that she won't be able to take the lead on making healthy changes, and focusing your energy on trying to make her get help may be a dead end. Your energy will be much better used in focusing on what you can do differently to impact the relationship.
After you change your contribution for a while, you can still assess -- OK, this is how things are now that I've taken the lead on setting the emotional tone in our home. Is it workable for me?
It may be much better, or it may not get to a level that you can live with. Either one is OK. The tools and skills we learn and practice here aren't magic wands that change your partner, but they are approaches to keep you safe, protect you from accepting abuse or hurt, and create more opportunities for positive connection with your spouse.
So if we focused here for a minute:
But when it comes to trying to get her to change the things that are clearly destroying our relationship or that are clearly hurting her it’s like literately impossible to do. She will not admit to even having a problem or when I bring up something that she is doing that is not good to us or to her self instead of her saying work OK I’ll work on it to help me get through this she will just bring up a problem of mine or she will say well I’ve done a lot of good in this marriage I’ve helped you a lot and it’s never enough . The truth of the matter is I’ve been asking her to do two things for the past five years and those two things that I want from her is admit when you’re at fault so that we can fix it and don’t lie to me. And I feel like I just cannot get it to happen with her. It’s very frustrating and I’ll go in and talk to her about something that is wrong that I would like to be fixed and I will leave the room feeling like the guilty one and like I’ve done something horrible.
I just don’t know what else to do I don’t know if I am taking the wrong approach with her either because whenever the world gets brought up that she’s not doing something correctly or hate we should do it like this it’s like a complete war.
One of the strengths of this group is that you can post "conversation transcripts" (that is, what you said, then what she said, then what you said, etc), and as a group we can go over new approaches that you can try next time.
So, if I'm tracking with you, it might go something like this:
Her: says something hurtful to you like "You're such an idiot, why can't you wash the dishes correctly"
You: Babe, I've asked you before, can you please just admit that you're being hurtful, then we can move on from this?
Her: I didn't hurt you at all! I was just saying how I felt. You should be grateful to me that I pointed it out to you.
You: No, you were being hurtful when you said I was an idiot, and anyway, I washed the dishes exactly how you told me to.
Her: I never told you to wash them like that, you messed it up, and you never listen to me
You: I always listen to you, you don't let me have a voice
etc, and the argument continues
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There are a lot of opportunities in arguments like that, that are under your control, to make changes to the "script" between you two, and to decrease conflict. It doesn't mean that if things get abusive, that you "keep trying" to manage -- you are allowed to leave the argument and leave the room when she blows her top. You don't have to stick around to receive her abusive language.
What it does mean is that before things escalate, there are opportunities for you to use new approaches to improve communication and connection, so that you don't inadvertently contribute to conflict.
...
Lots to take in -- and like so many things related to BPD, there's a balance between taking responsibility to improve your contribution, and valuing yourself enough to not accept abusive behavior.
I'll wrap up there so it's not too much! Just know that while there are no guarantees, there can be hope because you don't need her participation, cooperation, or agreement for you to try new skills and approaches.
-kells76
