Not Sure

[Groucho]

Hello, I don't know where or how to start, but, yeah, I need help. We have a few peaceful days and something changes. Maybe it's me, maybe I am bpd. We are lucky to get through a week without an outburst. She is easy to get along with, and has a keen analytical mind, but over time, I can sense when things change. She becomes critical of things in our life, then hyper critical. That's when I know I'm next. When we have a disagreement I can't express my perspective as she says I'm arguing with her. In my frustration, I lose it and get angry to the point of hurting my self.
She gets hysterical and will zone out for days on Xanax. This has happened though out our 20 year relationship. Neither one of us can take it anymore and wish we were dead.
She has not been officially diagnosed as bpd, but her niece, who is a psychologist, with a private practice, has unofficially diagnosed her, and only told me, not her, as her niece has been the recipient of these outbursts.
She says she has never had a relationship with so many arguments. Is it me?
I should say that we are both "elderly". I'm 71 and she is 80. We met late in life, 60 and 50.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[BlueNavigator]

Hi Groucho,

This definitely sounds tough. A relationship can tolerate an outburst once in a blue moon, but every week is a lot of stress to tolerate. I imagine you are on high alert all the time waiting for the next shoe to drop. That type of stress can be intolerable and I'm sure it's contributing to you getting "to the point of hurting [your]self".  That statement I found the most concerning along with you stating you wish you were dead.  I find it sad that when you try to express your perspective she shuts this down by claiming you are arguing. Sharing with others (even online strangers) can feel liberating and the perspectives of others can help bring things into greater focus for you.

Going back to the item of hurting yourself and wishing you were dead, I want to ask... are you safe? Thoughts of suicide are often a sign that an emergency intervention is needed. I really want to encourage you to connect with a physician or mental health professional and disclose what you are feeling. Sounds like your partner's niece is "in the field" and could give you a good recommendation for treatment. Speaking to a professional truly could save your life which is an important first step to saving your relationship.

I know I am just an online stranger but I want to express my concern and interest in your safety. I do care about what happens to you and want the best. If nothing else, keep posting so we can continue to learn more about your situation. What do you do during her outbursts?  What was your earlier relationship like?  What else has her niece said?