Asking about upwbpd Behavior post ghosting and now ignoring

[Depression = 72% of members]

I will try to summarize this but--I wanted to know if it is common for a pwBPD to go become addicted to the gym and fall off social media after a ghosting.

Summary:  My ex/friend I have known for 4+ years and dated for 2 of those. It was a very nice relationship and started off tellig me his fears of vulnerability, pushing people who get close away, inc family.  Things were great, except about 1 year + in, I ewas blindsided..But nicely. I almost felt he was protecting me from something and alluded to a problem "he can never tell me" he has but he can't be in realtionshpis with it, is unstable, not healthy, does not know how to fix it, etc. We basically still hung out for about 8 months...Till Blindside #2...he blamed me and gaslit me with things (ex..never gave me him space, I made 'it; worse, this is too hard, etc)..Guess I was supposed to mindread.

We did not speak for a year and he ignored me when he saw me (panicked look).  He begged to speak w me and I listened, he appologized, said he was mentally unwell then, didn't even know why he broke up, . Wound up disclosing a bunch of things aobut NPD/BPD in a parent, trauma, his fear of abandonmentn, thinking I was breaking up w him for 6 months our first year together, has horrible self-esteem, even had suicidal thoughts previously, etcI also think he is avoidant. He admitted he never got over me and doesn't think he ever will, but still cant be in a relationship bc of his 'problem'.  Wants to but can't.  In his mind, he believes I can get over him easy. Which is not true. I still do love him and do wish we were together (neither of us dated in this time). But I have accepted our boundary--friends.

So..for about 10 months we were solid friends. Considering. I went away for a long weekend, and came back to another stressful seeming convo. Had to be 'now'.  Told me he can't hang out to do work anymore bc he is not sleeping and he will want to stay (late). However I had noticed his communication dipping, then he said this. TBH I feel the time apart set off abandonment bc I noticed this before. I kind of got annoyed bc I had an unrelated issue going on and I really needed an ear and he does this.  I feel like when he was at a super low point when he apologized last year and unloaded his trauma, I put my pain aside. Now, I needed an ear/friend, and he kicked me when I was down.

I questioned him is something going on (code for internal/instrusive thoughts), if should I be concerned, if did I do something, etc. He said he has been busy (and he was) but the communication dropped 180 to almost 0.  I then said that it seems not being able to do work actually means you don't want to be around me at all bc that is what it seems like and if it is nothing wrong, it is hurtful that he could not just explain he has a difficult time I will understand, but rather he is just avoiding and ignoring. I went so far as to say it is easier to hurt me than just be upfront given what has happened in the past.  This is bc it went from mltiple texting, to hang out every night, mutal friends hangout...to ZERO.

Well, 2 weeks later complete crickets. I texted him last 2 months ago and never heard again. I saw him the other day and feel he is avoiding me and I believe saw me but pretended he didn't.  I've written a letter bc it really took me a lot to overcome to be friends w him and have compassion. I don't know whether to send it as I had planned to bc I don't want to carry things over anymore in the New Year.  Im upset bc he should know by now all he has to do is just give some notice I wont harrass him about things in his head. But I feel external stuff set him off, then my going away and it went downhill from there.

But my question is this. Is it usual, for someone with BPD after something like this or ghosting, to go to the gym ALOT, and completely go off social media for 2 months?  This is the new him. I just wondered. Maybe he is working on himself or something, which is great, but it is atypical. He is always on his phone but not at all now. (we share locations, status). I am concerned, I will always care. It has caused me to not send my letter.   

I also thought it strange that since we are not together as a couple, this is still happening as a friend (being cut off).

Any insight and thank you.  Also about sending my true thoughts. I just need to whethger he reads or responds (don't expect one). I believe that he feels he has BPD or even NPD and taht was the big secret problem.

[VeronicaL]

I will try to summarize this but--I wanted to know if it is common for a pwBPD to go become addicted to the gym and fall off social media after a ghosting.

Summary:  My ex/friend I have known for 4+ years and dated for 2 of those. It was a very nice relationship and started off tellig me his fears of vulnerability, pushing people who get close away, inc family.  Things were great, except about 1 year + in, I ewas blindsided..But nicely. I almost felt he was protecting me from something and alluded to a problem "he can never tell me" he has but he can't be in realtionshpis with it, is unstable, not healthy, does not know how to fix it, etc. We basically still hung out for about 8 months...Till Blindside #2...he blamed me and gaslit me with things (ex..never gave me him space, I made 'it; worse, this is too hard, etc)..Guess I was supposed to mindread.

We did not speak for a year and he ignored me when he saw me (panicked look).  He begged to speak w me and I listened, he appologized, said he was mentally unwell then, didn't even know why he broke up, . Wound up disclosing a bunch of things aobut NPD/BPD in a parent, trauma, his fear of abandonmentn, thinking I was breaking up w him for 6 months our first year together, has horrible self-esteem, even had suicidal thoughts previously, etcI also think he is avoidant. He admitted he never got over me and doesn't think he ever will, but still cant be in a relationship bc of his 'problem'.  Wants to but can't.  In his mind, he believes I can get over him easy. Which is not true. I still do love him and do wish we were together (neither of us dated in this time). But I have accepted our boundary--friends.

So..for about 10 months we were solid friends. Considering. I went away for a long weekend, and came back to another stressful seeming convo. Had to be 'now'.  Told me he can't hang out to do work anymore bc he is not sleeping and he will want to stay (late). However I had noticed his communication dipping, then he said this. TBH I feel the time apart set off abandonment bc I noticed this before. I kind of got annoyed bc I had an unrelated issue going on and I really needed an ear and he does this.  I feel like when he was at a super low point when he apologized last year and unloaded his trauma, I put my pain aside. Now, I needed an ear/friend, and he kicked me when I was down.

I questioned him is something going on (code for internal/instrusive thoughts), if should I be concerned, if did I do something, etc. He said he has been busy (and he was) but the communication dropped 180 to almost 0.  I then said that it seems not being able to do work actually means you don't want to be around me at all bc that is what it seems like and if it is nothing wrong, it is hurtful that he could not just explain he has a difficult time I will understand, but rather he is just avoiding and ignoring. I went so far as to say it is easier to hurt me than just be upfront given what has happened in the past.  This is bc it went from mltiple texting, to hang out every night, mutal friends hangout...to ZERO.

Well, 2 weeks later complete crickets. I texted him last 2 months ago and never heard again. I saw him the other day and feel he is avoiding me and I believe saw me but pretended he didn't.  I've written a letter bc it really took me a lot to overcome to be friends w him and have compassion. I don't know whether to send it as I had planned to bc I don't want to carry things over anymore in the New Year.  Im upset bc he should know by now all he has to do is just give some notice I wont harrass him about things in his head. But I feel external stuff set him off, then my going away and it went downhill from there.

But my question is this. Is it usual, for someone with BPD after something like this or ghosting, to go to the gym ALOT, and completely go off social media for 2 months?  This is the new him. I just wondered. Maybe he is working on himself or something, which is great, but it is atypical. He is always on his phone but not at all now. (we share locations, status). I am concerned, I will always care. It has caused me to not send my letter.   

I also thought it strange that since we are not together as a couple, this is still happening as a friend (being cut off).

Any insight and thank you.  Also about sending my true thoughts. I just need to whethger he reads or responds (don't expect one). I believe that he feels he has BPD or even NPD and taht was the big secret problem.

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[Pook075]

Hi Veronica and thanks for sharing.  I'm very sorry you're going through this.

A few things.  People with BPD struggle to regulate their emotions because that's what they essentially run off of- if they're happy, it's a great day where nothing can go wrong.  If they're sad, then they can get really down over trivial things and see it as the end of the world.  The "problem" is that they can go from one extreme to the other from just about anything, and they're rarely just leveled out.  I've seen my BPD daughter go from euphoria to suicidal too many times to count, often over very minor problems.

The "problem" for us is when those emotional swings are happening, we can become associated with them.  I'm having trouble at work, my car didn't start this morning, I don't know what to say to Veronica...this is all Veronica's fault.  I know that doesn't make sense but it's emotionally fueled without logic involved.  For someone with BPD, they struggle to see the problem internally so they want someone to blame.

For your specific situation, there could be 100 reasons why he's avoiding social media, and 100 reasons why he's in the gym more often.  My first thought was that social media is harmful, especially for those with mental illness, because you see snapshots of everyone else's "best life" and assume they're so much happier than you.  It's been proven that social channels lead to depression in young adults, and many counselors recommend limiting exposure.  It's probably a good thing for him to be on social less, even if he's just sick of posting.

Likewise, working on in the gym releases chemicals in the brain that fight off depression.  Can't remember the name or the specifics, but working out is healthy for our mental health and that could be all there is to it.  There's an equally good chance that there's a cute girl at the gym...who knows.  But again, this is good for him and I wouldn't worry about the motives.

For your letter, this is more about you than it is about him.  I'm going through an 18 month separation with my BPD wife and I wrote letters often...but more for me than for her.  I'd keep them a week or so then decide if I needed to send it or not, if it was worth saying to her or if I was just venting through the process of writing.

You posted in the "bettering a relationship" thread, so the advice here will be geared toward reconciliation.  With that in mind, your letter shouldn't be to simply "blame him" since that would only push him further away.  Instead, it should focus on you, how you feel, what you want, etc.  You will want to try to avoid the blame though since that will cut him like a knife (although he'd never admit to it).

He said to you at one point that time apart made him fear abandonment, and that's what happens in these relationships.  My marriage ended after a week apart- my wife on a business trip, me travelling to say goodbye to my brother dying of cancer.  That week changed everything and my wife was so upset that I didn't meet her after my trip, even though I came home with COVID.  Logically, I couldn't meet her...emotionally I abandoned her.  Emotion won. 

I shared that to say not to take this personally, he is suffering from mental illness and he sees a different narrative.  His goal is to protect himself from getting hurt and the easy route is walking away.  To get him back, you need to show that you're supportive and not a threat, that you can be a source for him feeling stable and safe.  It's a very hard road and it's certainly not fair at times, but I wish you all the luck in the world!

Hopefully that helped a little bit!  Please don't hesitate to ask questions or simply vent...whatever you need.

[VeronicaL]

Yea it helped some of whcih I knew. No..I don't think it is rhe cute girl thing bc he does this since he exposed his problem and it's different gyms. But whenever there are problems I notice he becomes fixated on the gym (escape?) and maybe it is a BPD thing I don't know. I mean I go too when I am stressed.

I do notice he is opposite he implodes inside I believe...hence quiet BPD IMO. He's never 'blasted' outward or loudly towards me.

My letter was more about--not a blame, but more of a 'this is what I had to overcome (and yes certain behaviors) to forgove and move past in the decision to become friends again, that he asked for.  I don't feel he is doing things on purpose but also at the same time does he even realize..and I wanted to point out certain things like that...And the fact that I pushed it aside shold be some proof that I was in the friendship in the long haul.' Kind of realeasing MY FEELINGS bc I spent part of last year hearing his new stuff, unloading, and had to reprocess so much. I guess I want to be heard bc I feel he does not know alot in my head bc he was really having a hard time at one point last year..Then this all happened.  I also want to point out to him....

Yes...the blindside we had...I was away for 2 weeks and my family cought Covid extending the trip. I came back and a huge blindside less then a week later.  When we fiinsh university breaks, same thing...its like he shuts down. The long weekend, I cam back and the most recent. I noticed the pattern and wanted to share it with him..in case some day it does some good to help him. realize.

 I guess I dont know how to be source of non threat or stability except to stay silent. And let him come back and talk in a time that is good mindspasce.

I don't know what else to do to show that.  I also don't want intrude on him if that makes sense. and this is not any romantic to get back btw. I ;love him and wish it was different. But I was friends first. The frienship is important to me.

Is staying away showing support?  Thanks for answering btw.

[Pook075]

Yea it helped some of whcih I knew. No..I don't think it is rhe cute girl thing bc he does this since he exposed his problem and it's different gyms. But whenever there are problems I notice he becomes fixated on the gym (escape?) and maybe it is a BPD thing I don't know. I mean I go too when I am stressed.

I do notice he is opposite he implodes inside I believe...hence quiet BPD IMO. He's never 'blasted' outward or loudly towards me.

My letter was more about--not a blame, but more of a 'this is what I had to overcome (and yes certain behaviors) to forgove and move past in the decision to become friends again, that he asked for.  I don't feel he is doing things on purpose but also at the same time does he even realize..and I wanted to point out certain things like that...And the fact that I pushed it aside shold be some proof that I was in the friendship in the long haul.' Kind of realeasing MY FEELINGS bc I spent part of last year hearing his new stuff, unloading, and had to reprocess so much. I guess I want to be heard bc I feel he does not know alot in my head bc he was really having a hard time at one point last year..Then this all happened.  I also want to point out to him....

Yes...the blindside we had...I was away for 2 weeks and my family cought Covid extending the trip. I came back and a huge blindside less then a week later.  When we fiinsh university breaks, same thing...its like he shuts down. The long weekend, I cam back and the most recent. I noticed the pattern and wanted to share it with him..in case some day it does some good to help him. realize.

 I guess I dont know how to be source of non threat or stability except to stay silent. And let him come back and talk in a time that is good mindspasce.

I don't know what else to do to show that.  I also don't want intrude on him if that makes sense. and this is not any romantic to get back btw. I ;love him and wish it was different. But I was friends first. The frienship is important to me.

Is staying away showing support?  Thanks for answering btw.

I understand your motives are genuine, but pointing out mental illness patterns is rarely taken in a positive light.  Their response is often, "I'm not crazy...you think I'm crazy," and it's very counter-productive.  To him, it would simply show that you don't understand him and could be interpreted that you don't care.

It's up to you whether to stay silent or not, but in this situation I'd send a letter or email just checking in and letting him know you still care.  Avoid past stuff completely...because that's where he ghosted you and that's what his mind will go to.  He ghosted you for a reason that made sense to him, and you can't start a conversation with any sort of blame.  That almost always backfires and reconfirms why they walked away.

I know that this is impossibly hard and none of this is fair, so I'm really sorry you're going through this.

[VeronicaL]

Thanks yes they are genuine. He  may take the check-in as not genuine .  I say that bc when we broke up 2 years ago, and we saw each other after like 9 months... he looked super stressed yet ignoring me.. I texted a week later and I offered to get coffee (to relieve that feeling..that is is ok to run into each other and be normal).  It was just simply to reconnect without heavy talking and acknowledge we see each other around. Im ok..no hate..
He declined it  and ignored me and was acting stressed to see me...Months later after he felt better...he brought it up and  told me something strange like you ask acquaintances for coffee ...not what we had/have.  I'm thinking but you ignored me for the past year ..I did SOMETHING.

One other thing happened I thought contributed his upset. Also coincidentally weeks before the long weekend away/abandonment, we had a mutual friend really cause damage in our  friend group.

In her destruction (we were not even involved but she knew I knew she was not being a good person)....she took her damage out on me and 2 others, via ghosting, ignoring, triangulating, excluding, gaslighting. I don't have drama in my life so it was a new and difficult thing for me. I didn't give him all the details but he knew I was very upset by it.

I do remember at the time wondering (which is why I held back) if he internaized it and is too paralell to his behavior towards me at our breakup and ignoring... and he could see how much it upset me.

 I have in my heart for a long time wanted to share the fear of abandonment  triggers I notice in this case and earlier (since he shared his fears w me about 6 mnths ago)...and my view on why this all happened recently and the pattern

More on the lines of letting him know like ---"Hey, I don't hate  you or angry (tho I did tell him it hurrt me before). I am trying to understand why this happened and here is what I think it could have erupted from and maybe you can notice or be aware of it"...

Maybe that is another time. When he is ok, he is very open to thoughts. I'm pretty observant and intuitive in people it's a good and bad thing..

I've rambled...When they ignore that check-in...(if that happens) do you let it go?

[Pook075]

I have in my heart for a long time wanted to share the fear of abandonment  triggers I notice in this case and earlier (since he shared his fears w me about 6 mnths ago)...and my view on why this all happened recently and the pattern

More on the lines of letting him know like ---"Hey, I don't hate  you or angry (tho I did tell him it hurrt me before). I am trying to understand why this happened and here is what I think it could have erupted from and maybe you can notice or be aware of it"...

Maybe that is another time. When he is ok, he is very open to thoughts. I'm pretty observant and intuitive in people it's a good and bad thing..

I've rambled...When they ignore that check-in...(if that happens) do you let it go?

Don't worry about rambling, it's good to talk it out and release some of those feelings.  We're not counselors here but we've all been in that same position, just wanting someone to listen and validate that we didn't do something to cause all of this.

What you just described is him over-analyzing the situation- we were serious, why would she want to get coffee?  Maybe she wants to tell me off in a public place or something like that.  And please hear this, that is not your fault!

Think about how you'd handle this with a cousin or aunt that you are close to but had a falling out with.  What would you say?  How would you let them know that you miss them and want the best for them, and you'd love to talk sometime?  Because that's what you really need in this first step, just a simple ice-breaker to say you're still here and you still care.

[VeronicaL]

Agreed and thank you. But at the same time..is my pride getting in the way?

I mean realistically--I did not abandon...He did. And yes he had something horrible to go through, but his behavior started shortly before that. It just happened to merge/domino effect.

Also, last time he 'imploded' and broke up 2 years ago...It took him a year to talk to me.  Said he was disgusted w self, didn't even know why he did it really, but wasn't well. Truthfully, I don't want to wait a year and I also never reached out then before either. Not becasue of not caring or want.....bc of how he dealt w the breakup.

In retrospect...The only day I have ever seen him that way. The rest of our time was very nice. He always treated me well. Maybe it was hard for him to keep/mask up perfection...
I don't have anything bad to say about him except what is going on (and the blindside)..

Is it that they are afraid to reach out (that I have to do it first now)? 

FWIW..about 2 weeks after the ghosting and literally 3 days before the death, I did reach out (not how are you but to wish luck on something ). No answer.  I have not since then..which would be 2 months ago..

[Pook075]

Agreed and thank you. But at the same time..is my pride getting in the way?

Your pride (and intelligence) are both sort of getting in the way, because you're trying so hard to overthink this when the answer is plain- he has mental health problems and did not respond appropriately.

Both my ex-wife and daughter have BPD, so I've had a pretty good look at how they process stuff like this.  They avoid as a coping mechanism and they think to themselves, "If they love me they'll reach out."  But if you reach out, they think, "They can't give me space like I asked....they're smothering me!"  So you're wrong no matter what if you play by BPD rules.

From chatting with you today, you're clearly still irked with him and don't understand why you're abandoned.  I get it because I feel that way about my ex wife as well.  No idea what happened or why we couldn't talk it out, and there's a ton of stuff there to blame her on.  But ultimately, I chose compassion and understanding....she's sick and made some poor choices out of necessity to protect herself.

In this instance specifically, I think you should reach out.  Keep it casual...just checking in, what have you been up to, etc.  If he responds, great.  If not, that stinks but it's not on you.  At least you tried.

[VeronicaL]

You nailed it. I have def chose compassion but  I think I got irked and carrying it w me bc trust me my situaiton w that other issue was really tough to have concurrently with him bailing on me at the same time. I got through it and maybe a little resentful bc I think it was kicking me when down. But compassion took over regarding the sibling issue.

And you nailed it on the  you can do no right . During the breakup it was 'you never gave me the space" (never asked) yet he begged for friendship bc he was not doing well and said I ewas helping so much . So complete confusion.

I seriously don't know how he waited or made it through a year with no signs. It was like one day the light switched..and it was around our anniversary.