fear of abandonment after family member death

[VeronicaL]

I posted a long story earlier...but it is a 2 tiered thing and I originally didn't want to post too much detail about a secondary (major) issue but another person's post reminded me how important it is.  

In summary- My friend/ex has been ghosting me it has been 2 months.  I am pretty sure they had outside sources/stresses that started the spiral, one of which they shared w me that an associate of ours put them  down/passive aggressive way.  Same said person did the same to me the year before,and he is brutal, and I was upset,  but I didn't let it get to me.  I tried to explain to my friend/ex to ignore him, but i am sure he took it internally, took a self esteem hit, etc.  I noticed a difference (less) in his communication since that day and it spiraled, though outwardly he tried to be fine.

I also found out also that they were let go from something/activity that they really wanted to do as well.  So now I am thikning they view that as a failure. (they were just too busy is really why).

Im sure there was other stuff going on too.  In any event, I was ghosted and ignored out of the blue about 2 weeks after the passive aggressive thing.  And he said we could not do work together at night via a  bizarre explanation that made no sense.  

But the worst part...horrible coincidental timing...  they had a sibling death, which I found out about in a strange way and they don't know I know.I don't even know if they told anyone.  But I haven't said anhything bc they never told me bc they are not speaking to me I guess.

Since I am on the perimeter right now, of ghosted and ignored (I have seen them and they ignored me or preteneded not to see me)....I have not said anything. Before the death hapened, I had originally written letter for them (about their behavior and my boundaries in this ghosting since it is repeated)...but for obvious reasons I put the brakes on giving it, though I had planned to give it by the New Year.   I have not due to the situation. I just don't feel right adding to it knowing what I know.

I feel very guilty bc I do not know how to handle it all or acknowledge it so I have been waiting for them to reach out since they ghosted me before that happened.  And tell me when they can in their own time.  Another poster brought up how death can feel like a fear of abandonment which I never thought of. I'm not doing the abandoning obviously since he had done that...but I don't know how to handle it. So I have just been waiting for him to reach out to me  when he is ready.  

Is this the best thing to do?  Can anyone give insight on that please.

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[Pook075]

Hey Veronica.  I just gave you a lengthy reply in your other thread so I'll keep this one short and sweet.  Others will chime in soon enough as well.

This is not about you...you didn't cause this and unfortunately, you can't fix this alone.  A sibling death would be catastrophic for someone with BPD and that could explain a lot, why he'd shut you (and others) out.  Of course he doesn't want to talk about that because he has no idea how to process it or deal with it.  So he just hurts silently.

What he needs right now is a friend that is simply there to understand him and comfort him.  Forget about the patterns of the past- they're clear red flags but you're choosing to ignore them.  That's fine, you do you.  If you want to reconcile this relationship, just offer support and compassion and nothing else (for now).  Just be a friend and he will reach out in time.

[VeronicaL]

Thanks for the answer and I responded over there. Well he was shutting down over i believe the passive aggressive person, and other thigns.... and the assumed abandonment thing; He started acting 'a little off' and decreased contact  2 weeks later, which I addressed.   The death happened about 2  after he already started to ghost me....

 I dont know the circumstances but it was unexpected/tragic seemed sudden...I know that.  I have guesses and none of the reasons are easy to digest for the family

What's  weird is he has 1-2 friends, and he may not see them much but I heard he did see them around that time over the hoiday break--- but it is only me (and his former best friend) that he has iced out. The best friend forever done; I have not been bc again, I am closest the other 2 are surface level he says.

Im aware of the red flags of the past-not trying to reconcile the relationship like this. However the frienship was/is important but I was via the letter explaining my position and boundaries

Your comment--how do I be a friend, support and comfort? By just giving the space and wait?   I envision if I reach out, he may back off due to shame. So I have been just standstill.

[Pook075]

Thanks for the answer and I responded over there. Well he was shutting down over i believe the passive aggressive person, and other thigns.... and the assumed abandonment thing; He started acting 'a little off' and decreased contact  2 weeks later, which I addressed.   The death happened about 2  after he already started to ghost me....

 I dont know the circumstances but it was unexpected/tragic seemed sudden...I know that.  I have guesses and none of the reasons are easy to digest for the family

What's  weird is he has 1-2 friends, and he may not see them much but I heard he did see them around that time over the hoiday break--- but it is only me (and his former best friend) that he has iced out. The best friend forever done; I have not been bc again, I am closest the other 2 are surface level he says.

Im aware of the red flags of the past-not trying to reconcile the relationship like this. However the frienship was/is important but I was via the letter explaining my position and boundaries

Your comment--how do I be a friend, support and comfort? By just giving the space and wait?   I envision if I reach out, he may back off due to shame. So I have been just standstill.

If your goal is friendship, then just be a friend.  What would you do in this situation with other friends?  That's what you should do here as well.

Here's the thing, and it's a big one for all of us.  We want to figure out the "why", thinking if we could know and understand that, then we can fix things and not repeat them in the future.  The "why" is crystal clear though, he has a mental illness and he's not thinking logically...yet you're trying to solve this with logic.

That's like me giving you a math problem and telling you to solve it for the color blue (4x-3=blue).  You have no idea what that means and you can't solve it, no matter how hard you try or how hard you research.  There is no answer because I just made that whole thing up in my mind.

That's where he's at...he's connected some dots that don't necessarily go together to get to the conclusion that he shouldn't talk to you anymore.  You can't solve the problem or find the "why" because it's not standard logic.  As I said in the other post, his emotions likely change frequently and it's easier for him to run away from a potential problem than to face it head-on.  That's the best "why" you're going to find.

The "why" is that he has BPD and is emotionally unstable.  That's all there is to figure out.

With that said, if you want to reach out (because that's what friends do), then reach out and extend support.  The worst he can do is ignore you or respond badly, but either way you can back that up with "Just checking on you...I still care about you and hope you're okay." 

[VeronicaL]

You're right.  I think I will start with a smile in passing or hello.  Maybe that will let him know it's ok.

It is hurtful to watch the 'performance' of being 'fine' with others....yet me, supposedly who knows his secrets, etc gets this side right now. He's really a nice person overall though. so it sucks. Her unloaded on me he wanted to marry me, etc and this thing he never chose it, going to keep interfering and it's going to break me too,  and all that. And for me as a friend, I have alewyas had his back. I have not divulged his things/issues/trauams to anyone...Nor even made him  look bad.

[Pook075]

You're right.  I think I will start with a smile in passing or hello.  Maybe that will let him know it's ok.

It is hurtful to watch the 'performance' of being 'fine' with others....yet me, supposedly who knows his secrets, etc gets this side right now. He's really a nice person overall though. so it sucks. Her unloaded on me he wanted to marry me, etc and this thing he never chose it, going to keep interfering and it's going to break me too,  and all that. And for me as a friend, I have alewyas had his back. I have not divulged his things/issues/trauams to anyone...Nor even made him  look bad.

You know, after hitting post on the other thread we're talking in, it dawned on me that you reached out a few days after the funeral and he never responded.  He was probably way down and didn't want to talk to anyone.

What if he feels like you ghosted him?  I think you should reach out or bump into him somewhere.

[VeronicaL]

No..I did NOT reach out after the funeral..I reached out a few days before it all happened.

I don't know how he can feel that I have ghosted when I texted him twice with no answer (a few texts before that asking why the distance, is everything ok bc I felt it was wrong not to let me know he's going thru something or maybe needs some space as opposed to just dropping off).  . Told me he was been busy. 

After that, still less texting the next 2 texts... was a normal day to day stuff..he stopped answering. I waited aobut 10 days and 2nd text....wished luck for a presentation he had......Never heard from him again.

He does not know I know about anything. It was an bizarre way I found out out the situation. I thought he would have told me but he has never reached out.

[VeronicaL]

One more thing. do you know if people w BPD have major instrusive (false) thoughts? I ask bc last year when he started speaking w me again and seemed stressed, he convinced himself that he assualted me. And sought reassurance...

OFC this NEVER happened or remotely ever happened. It was that moment that I knew something was wrong. (tho he has had false memories at our b/u but he was stressed).

[Pook075]

One more thing. do you know if people w BPD have major instrusive (false) thoughts? I ask bc last year when he started speaking w me again and seemed stressed, he convinced himself that he assualted me. And sought reassurance...

OFC this NEVER happened or remotely ever happened. It was that moment that I knew something was wrong. (tho he has had false memories at our b/u but he was stressed).

Intrusive thoughts are common with BPD, although what you're describing sounds like something else entirely.

BPD's obsess over details that could potentially signal being abandoned.  For instance, you come home an hour late with a perfectly reasonable explanation.  A BPD might question that and wonder if it's really the truth or not.  So a week later, when you're 20 minutes late, they might think, "Aha, I knew they were lying and this proves it!"  So they quietly get on this entire alternate thought pattern that pulls them further and further away from reality.

Stuff like that is why these relationships fall apart, there's a ton of stuff we couldn't know about that's being held against us.  A BPD might not confront you directly on that since it could lead to being abandoned, so they find other things to express their frustrations over.

[Pook075]

No..I did NOT reach out after the funeral..I reached out a few days before it all happened.

I don't know how he can feel that I have ghosted when I texted him twice with no answer (a few texts before that asking why the distance, is everything ok bc I felt it was wrong not to let me know he's going thru something or maybe needs some space as opposed to just dropping off).  . Told me he was been busy. 

After that, still less texting the next 2 texts... was a normal day to day stuff..he stopped answering. I waited aobut 10 days and 2nd text....wished luck for a presentation he had......Never heard from him again.

He does not know I know about anything. It was an bizarre way I found out out the situation. I thought he would have told me but he has never reached out.

Remember, you're thinking about this rationally with logic.  He's thinking about it from a dissociated state.  There's literally no way for us to get down to the "why" and I could be completely wrong.  We know BPD's fear abandonment more than anything though and they're hyper-sensitive towards it.