Untreated BPD mum

[Celtic_Fáe]

Hi everyone nice to meet you all. Can I ask your experience on an issue please? I recently gave my mom an ultimatum that she must get treatment for BPD (that is undiagnosed but for sure exists , we have other family members diagnosed and their behaviour is the same to varying degrees. She was diagnosed as bipolar after quick chat with doctor but I think this is wrong or she may have both). Mum ignored me as usual (while calling up my kids, ex and friends to quickly replace me) . I  text her as it is unsafe to talk about this in person she will rage & become very abusive.  I know what I’m doing must be done for my own self esteem and mental health and she is destroying both. Also for my kids as she demands so much time and energy from us. (Even us seeing her 5-6 days a week isn’t enough ). Yet I can’t help feeling guilty . Is that our programming? Or is it really cruel to leave a BPD mum even if they insist on “healing themselves” and refuse to seek treatment? Her self awareness wanes; one day she will admit she has BPD & the next she will vehemently deny it. Someday even  accusing myself or other healthy family members of having it (even her own grandchild who is a kid) . Did anyone else do this & did they feel it was beneficial for everyone involved or made things worse?

[Methuen]

Hi Celtic Fae,

I am sorry for what has brought you here, but you have come to a safe place. Welcome.

My mom is 87 and is undiagnosed. I don’t think it’s possible to “make” someone see a psychiatrist to get diagnosed.  The person has to be in a place where they “want” help, or the therapy won’t work because they aren’t willing. It is more likely to blow up in your face if it feels controlling to them.

My mom refused to see a counselor her entire life.

When they are not willing, the only thing we can change is how we react to them.  It’s all we have control of.

I believe we can have better success with boundaries than with ultimatums.  The thing to remember is that boundaries are not rules for them, but a line to keep ourselves safe.  One of my boundaries is that if mom rages at me, I will politely and quietly leave the situation.

Another boundary is to not be available to my mom’s demands 24/7.  To manage this boundary, I came out of retirement and returned to work.  So I understand what you are saying when you write that she is taking up your time and energy, and no matter how much you do and how hard you try, it’s never enough.

Yes, I believe we’ve been programmed to be their caretakers, and feel guilty.  It’s like being their emotional hostage.  To get better, we have to work at disentangling ourselves from unhealthy connections, and learn new healthy strategies for being and communicating with dysfunctional family members.

Lots of us here see or have seen therapists.  Have you by any chance ever had a T? 

[TelHill]

Welcome Celtic Fae 

Am sorry you find yourself here. My 90 year old elderly mother was diagnosed with BPD 7 years ago after a hospitalization for severe depression. I found a few therapists who speak her native language (my parents were born overseas) and she didn't want to go. In the US, you can't be forced into mental health treatment unless you are a clear danger to yourself or others.

Forced treatment doesn't work anyway since the person in therapy has to be willing to change. They have to work hard and be consistent.

My mother insists her mental health challenges are because of the depression which runs in her family. Everything else is fine in her view. She willingly takes psychotropic medications but nothing works for her.

I've found what Methuen says is correct to deal with a seriously mentally ill parent - we cannot control our them or their illness. I've tried to and it creates more problems for me than dBPD mom. Her rage and entitlement go into overdrive. 

Setting my own boundaries to stop her disordered behavior from wreaking havoc on my life works better.  It takes a lot of work for me. There are tips and tricks at this website which give good suggestions. There's personal therapy. There are 12 step programs such as Al-Anon or CoDA which emphasize personal responsibility for those who grew up in chaotic households or are experiencing that as adults.

It's not our fault we had/have a parent with these problems. It's unfair that we have to work hard to deal with past and present trauma. It took me so much work to question the conditioning I was brought up with to help my mom no matter how absurd her requests were or how detrimental to my own mental health it is to obey her. I've heard the mental illness closest to bpd is schizophrenia. It helps me to imagine her as a schizophrenic when I hear demands or put downs from her. They seem annoying but can detach from them more easily.

[So Stressed]

Hi Celtic Fae

My mother is over 90 and also undiagnosed.  Her former partner tried to get her assessed, but she only went because he went with her and she thought that he was the problem and the therapist would confirm that for her. That didn't work out.

Then, I communicated with her doctor years later to see if he could assess her, and that ended in disaster. She turned it on me and this continues to be a dividing issue in our relationship.

I agree with everything that Methuen stated.  Boundaries are what have worked best for me, too, although it is still very challenging.

[SweetSass]

I question the effectiveness of therapy at their advanced age.  They are super set in their ways.

After decades of trying to change my Queen/Witch Mother, I have painfully realized that I cannot change her. 

And that is ok. 

Because it is not my job to change her!

I am currently No Contact for my protection. 

She would definitely financially bankrupt me because she is a prolific liar. 

She lies nonstop, feigns ignorance and forgetfulness.  She is full of contempt for others. 

Since I do not trust her and I cannot change her, the best I can do is let her be her. 

So I have dropped the rope and I am directing my energy elsewhere.

So much of Bpd is it pulls our focus away from our personal growth and we become too fixated on how they live their lives.

My mother’s spending is out of control.  Well, she lost her house. 

My mother engages in cruel and belittling remarks.  Well, she is no longer invited to family functions and lost all of her friends.

It’s the law of cause and effect.  The Biblical passage that one reaps what one sows.

[zachira]

My mother with BPD is deceased. For many years before she passed away and was elderly, she was on several medications for her mental illness, including severe depression which is very prevalent in her family. Her geriatric psychiatrist who was well respected and known to be a good therapist, made an effort to give her therapy and found it did not help. She was unable to have any kind of insight into her erratic mood swings and make any progress in changing any of her rigid dysfunctional behaviors.
For most of us on PSI who have a highly disordered family member, therapy seems to help us as we are motivated and capable of change, especially learning how to set and maintain healthier boundaries with our disordered family members. It seems that most of the members who post here are dealing with disordered family members who have a personality disorder and do not have the capacity to benefit from therapy.

[Notwendy]

Therapy, psychiatric treatment, rehab- all have been attempted to help my BPD mother many times- all have not been successful. She truly believes any issues are the result of other people, other circumstances and can not see her part in any of this. Somehow she can not see any connection between her behavior and the outcome.

I think for therapy to be effective, the person has to have some ability to have insight into their own behavior and also be motivated to some extent. With my BPD mother, attemps to get her to see any of this result in her either denying them, projecting/blaming someone or something else, or she dissociates and doesn't process the information.