Helping Ex-Partner Heal from Trauma

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Quick recap, I'm divorcing my BPD wife of 24 years next month and I have no doubt that it's the right move for both of us.  She has so much past trauma in her life that she is incapable of loving me anymore.  I still love her, but not enough to stay in a loveless relationship.  I accept that and I'm not struggling there; it's clearly over and I am better off starting the next chapter of my life.

The only thing that gives me pause is the intense trauma my wife is still carrying, yet nobody seems to be able to see it but me.  For instance, she was here Thursday and we were adjusting a scone light on the wall.  Without thinking about it, she hopped up on a chair's arms to make the adjustment, and grabbed my arm on the way up for balance.  A few seconds later though, she was off balance and I placed my hand on the small of her back to steady her.  When I did that, her whole body tensed and there was terror in her eyes.  I jerked my hand away and she recovered, only to adjust the light and then reach out for my arm to get back down from the chair. 

She then spoke to me normally like nothing ever happened, and it truly broke my heart for her.

We haven't talked about mental illness in maybe 9 months, simply because no good can come of it for her.  She's in complete denial and spends her life taking care of a handicapped young man and his family during the day, plus my younger daughter and our grandson at night.  She essentially works like a slave to them and sees to their every last need, mostly out of their manipulation and her lack of self esteem.  It appears that she's completely miserable to me, but everyone gets a fake smile and assumes she's okay.

When we talk, she's calm and reserved, speaking barely louder than a whisper.  She will still throw out some of her absolutes about our marriage...you never, you always...but she mostly tries to be kind and civil.  I'm still "the enemy" but at the same time, I get more honesty from her than anyone in terms of her feelings and mental state.

Can anyone think of anything I can do to help her?  Therapy and counseling is out...at least directly...because she's still in denial.  Me helping her directly is also probably out since I'm mostly painted black still.  She sees changes in me but thinks I've been faking the past 18 months to "win her back".  Again, I don't want her back because the codependency is broken.  But I would like to help her move on as well instead of living in the past.

[Pook075]

Quick recap, I'm divorcing my BPD wife of 24 years next month and I have no doubt that it's the right move for both of us.  She has so much past trauma in her life that she is incapable of loving me anymore.  I still love her, but not enough to stay in a loveless relationship.  I accept that and I'm not struggling there; it's clearly over and I am better off starting the next chapter of my life.

The only thing that gives me pause is the intense trauma my wife is still carrying, yet nobody seems to be able to see it but me.  For instance, she was here Thursday and we were adjusting a scone light on the wall.  Without thinking about it, she hopped up on a chair's arms to make the adjustment, and grabbed my arm on the way up for balance.  A few seconds later though, she was off balance and I placed my hand on the small of her back to steady her.  When I did that, her whole body tensed and there was terror in her eyes.  I jerked my hand away and she recovered, only to adjust the light and then reach out for my arm to get back down from the chair. 

She then spoke to me normally like nothing ever happened, and it truly broke my heart for her.

We haven't talked about mental illness in maybe 9 months, simply because no good can come of it for her.  She's in complete denial and spends her life taking care of a handicapped young man and his family during the day, plus my younger daughter and our grandson at night.  She essentially works like a slave to them and sees to their every last need, mostly out of their manipulation and her lack of self esteem.  It appears that she's completely miserable to me, but everyone gets a fake smile and assumes she's okay.

When we talk, she's calm and reserved, speaking barely louder than a whisper.  She will still throw out some of her absolutes about our marriage...you never, you always...but she mostly tries to be kind and civil.  I'm still "the enemy" but at the same time, I get more honesty from her than anyone in terms of her feelings and mental state.

Can anyone think of anything I can do to help her?  Therapy and counseling is out...at least directly...because she's still in denial.  Me helping her directly is also probably out since I'm mostly painted black still.  She sees changes in me but thinks I've been faking the past 18 months to "win her back".  Again, I don't want her back because the codependency is broken.  But I would like to help her move on as well instead of living in the past.

[SaltyDawg]

Pook,

I have seen amazing growth from you since you started posting.  I do like that you go out of your way to respond to most of the newbie posts, and have been exceptionally thoughtful, and that shows me that you have amazing growth and continue to do so well beyond my more direct approach of reflecting back what was said, and try to shine a light on it from a different perspective.

Personally, I find it much easier to help others, than to help myself, or my pwBPD, who is my wife - this keeps my mind on easier things to address, other people's issues rather than to focus on my own.  Unlike your wife, mine has remained loyal, and I am not aware of any indiscretions outside of the marriage (I do keep my eyes open), and she is partially self-aware (but refuses BPD as a possibility), and is going to therapy to address her issues - so she is definitely in the 'too bad to stay; however, too good to leave' camp.

I won't address the areas that you have stated that you have accepted and are not 'struggling' in, and from what you have written I can see and offer you my own support of your perspective on this as you appear to have logically processed this.

Regarding the hypersensitivity to each other's emotional reactions, I would like to use the analogy of a burn patient, who has been burned on the majority of their body.  While a gentle warm breeze will feel nice to most people, but to a person who has been burned, this same gentle warm breeze will feel like extreme pain.  I am suggesting, that both of you have fresh emotional burn wounds from each other, especially as you will be ending your marriage for good in a few weeks time - the emotional wounds are still fresh, and the breeze will continue for the next several weeks before genuine healing can begin in earnest.  What do you think of this analogy?

While putting your hand on the small of her back to steady her was instinctive for you, it also triggered your stbx (that you felt from your hypersensitivity towards her); however, from the behavior that you described, she was able to emotionally process it, and realize you only had done it to help her balance her, and you also offered her your hand/arm in coming off the chair, and you said "She then spoke to me normally like nothing ever happened."  Do you think your wife's look of terror was from her 'fear of falling' or do you think it was from you touching her in a manner that was unexpected like you were being sensual towards her with ulterior motives?

From what I have observed in my own wife with these kinds of behaviors.  I suspect, your wife might have initially thought you might have been sensual, but then realized, you did it to make sure she did not fall, and probably processed it that way in her mind - this shows that your wife has grown too and is looking at things in shades of gray and not black/white absolutes.   Unless your stbx give you any other indication, please try and accept your wife's behaviors, including conversations, at face value, and try not to read too much into perceived behaviors like the look of terror and tensing up, as it could have an equally plausible innocent explanation like I have just given.

With regards to not talking about her mental illness, even though I am behaving consistent as though my wife has a mental illness, and have put into place strong boundaries, I have also shifted my communications to "support and empathy" towards her feelings when she is triggered, and use SET communication with "I" statements when she is not triggered.  My wife doesn't want to talk about them, so I don't, kind of like the "don't ask, don't tell" kind of mentality.  You know its there; however, if it is not an immediate issue, I don't directly address it (unless it manifests in a severe way, and then I do address it).  My wife is in denial; however, my wife's OCPD is her baseline, and will take care of the church, the school, our children, etc, much like yours does.  My wife now uses me as a shoulder to cry on, and vents to me about how terrible her coworkers are, etc., much like a confidante does.  It is nice my wife has shifted to this, as I used to be her punching bag (most of the time figuratively, and on occasion, literally) where she would take her frustrations on me, now that I validate her feelings (without validating her facts), she now feels validated, and it works for her.

Soon your stbx, will not directly be your problem anymore, as she will be an ex.  She is a big girl now, and even though you don't perceive her taking care of herself, from what you have described, she is taking much better care of herself than she has done in the past.  Unless her behaviors have a direct impact on your life, let her live her own life, and let her deal with her issues on her terms and timetable in a manner that she is doing - even if you see her not being happy with a 'fake' smile.  While you have indicated you are no longer codependent, wanting to fix her, without being asked is a trait of being codependent - thoughts?

Now I am going to shift the focus of my comments towards you.  I see you helping out many more people than I do, and you have excellent advice to offer, and you seem to be happy doing this; however, as we are in similar boats, I also know you are suffering - from an emotional/mental perspective how is this any different that your wife helping out the handicapped young man and his family during the day, and your daughter and grandson at night?  From what you have described, I see both of you helping out others, each in their own respective ways, yet both of you are emotionally hurting and are processing this hurt by helping out others.  From my perspective, I see that you are helping complete strangers, and her with people she has befriended at church.

You describe your wife as 'calm and reserved' - she is definitely not raging like a borderline, I see this as progress, my wife is heading in this direction, but is not qui there yet.  However, you say you 'get more honesty from her than anyone in terms of her feelings and mental state' - that is the very definition of a confidante - I will expand on this next as your request is very specific...

Can anyone think of anything I can do to help her?  Therapy and counseling is out...at least directly...because she's still in denial.  Me helping her directly is also probably out since I'm mostly painted black still.  She sees changes in me but thinks I've been faking the past 18 months to "win her back".  Again, I don't want her back because the codependency is broken.  But I would like to help her move on as well instead of living in the past.

I personally think your instincts are mostly spot on, and I would recommend that you continue  to do exactly as you are doing now - be her confidante (with boundaries).  If she shares her inner most feelings and mental state, validate her feelings, and only offer suggestions if she specifically asks you, but do not offer help directly, as you see yourself as still being painted black.  Otherwise, continue to 'nudge' as you have been doing in previous posts you have shared with us, and where appropriate, set boundaries, or use the 'seed planting tool' to make a suggestion on what you might do in a similar circumstance in ear-shot, and let that germinate in her mind and let it become her idea to implement.  Also, open a door, and let her know the door is there, but don't tell her to go through that door.  You know her best, so you can custom tailor your responses and behaviors to help nudge her in a good direction that will not only benefit her, but your offspring, and you too.

Since both of you (I am too) are involved in your church, perhaps lean into your belief system, there is a lot of wisdom in the good book, and perhaps frame your actions in a manner consistent with your belief system.  Lead by example - there is a Latin phrase that I am a firm believer in -  "Acta Non Verba" which translates into "Deeds Not Words" - I lead in my family, but what I do, and don't do - I don't tell my wife what to do (my minor child is a different story).  Make sense?

Because you share children and grandchildren together, she will be with you in some capacity for the remainder of her and/or your days.  So, it is important to get along with her.  When she is regulated, treat her like a normal ex-wife, be kind and cordial; however, do maintain good boundaries.  However, if she becomes dysregulated, then you will need to use the tools on this website, and you have shared with others, specifically to maintain firm boundaries on her behaviors, and limit your contact with her through BIFF and/or gray rock (do not JADE) and/or focus on validating her feelings with empathy in order to reduce the temperature of her emotional state.

If your renewed confidante friendship continues to grow, she may present you with opportunities to explore her mental health, if she makes exclamations of "I don't understand why ______ is doing ______?" use this as a springboard to tactfully making other helpful 'suggestions'.

Since you are approaching the 'final' act of divorce in a month's time - I know you have logically processed this; however, you are still very much emotionally in this, otherwise you would not have reached out in this manner.  Use prayerful meditation to continue to reflect on this situation, and come up with a wise-mind solution that is consistent with your belief system that supports your faith.

I think you are doing great, and you are absolutely awesome in making newbies feel welcome - much better than I can do, in many ways you are a role model to me, a mentor.  On the flip side of the coin, you are human too, and it is okay to ask for help like you did here.

In a month's time you are going to be going through a very emotional event.  Please be kind, and so a lot of self-care, whatever that might look like for you, in order to 'fill your cup' so you can thrive instead of survive this transition. 

You got this!  Take care.

SaltyDawg

[seekingtheway]

I did some study recently, which introduced me to a number of different therapies, and heard from a lot of different people who are practitioners of these therapies to introduce the way that these therapies work, and how it is necessary to show up in order to make a difference in their clients' lives. And almost all of them without exception talked about the impact of showing up as a 'secure' person in sessions, and how that single element is more important and more healing than anything they can say or teach in a therapeutic setting. They talked a lot about just holding a steady, calm presence, validating, listening, being there consistently... attempting to create a secure attachment, which is something that you've likely never had with your ex-wife, but potentially have the opportunity to create now, in this new situation, with new boundaries.

I think SD has done an amazing response for you, which covers it all off so thoroughly, but I thought the same thing as I read through your post - looking after your own side of the fence, being the best person you can be (for yourself) will also benefit her greatly. And over time, she may see the security and safety within you and come and seek answers and want more for herself, but it may be best to let her do that in her own time when she's ready.

It can be very frustrating to watch someone falter on their own journey, but we're all faltering really in our own ways. I am struggling to keep the focus on myself and how to better my own security and health now more than ever before, but I know it's where the true healing lies.

[Pook075]

Pook,

I have seen amazing growth from you since you started posting.  I do like that you go out of your way to respond to most of the newbie posts, and have been exceptionally thoughtful, and that shows me that you have amazing growth and continue to do so well beyond my more direct approach of reflecting back what was said, and try to shine a light on it from a different perspective.

Personally, I find it much easier to help others, than to help myself, or my pwBPD, who is my wife -

I appreciate it- it's definitely been a journey and something that will continue long after the divorce.  I think one benefit of ending things is that it's a clean break that allows you to see who you really are inside and what actually matters.  I was 100% blind to it in the marriage and had no idea how much of myself had died off to avoid arguments or stay content.  If I would have found this site 10 year ago (when my wife first started shutting down and my BPD daughter was at the height of her terror), then maybe things would have been very different. 

None of us can change the past though, other than to learn from it, so it can't be something we focus on.  The past is dead.

For me, that was giving back and helping where I can.  I'm involved with prison ministry now and I really enjoy it; I'm mentoring two men who have been released in the past year.  One of them just crashed hard (refused a drug test, lost his housing in the program, lost his job, then arrested for panhandling) and in crisis mode while leaning on his past way of life to get him through.  As much as I want to "save him", the real lesson is for him to save himself through his own actions. 

I'm hoping it all works out but I accept that I'm only a mentor.  A few years ago I would have reacted very differently and it's because I'm still maturing and figuring out my place in this world.

I am suggesting, that both of you have fresh emotional burn wounds from each other, especially as you will be ending your marriage for good in a few weeks time - the emotional wounds are still fresh, and the breeze will continue for the next several weeks before genuine healing can begin in earnest.  What do you think of this analogy?

Fair enough, it's a solid analogy.  And to be honest, I have no idea how I feel about everything that's happened.  I do realize how off things were in the past and I do realize that I'm a much better version of myself today.  My stress levels are almost non-existent and I wake up feeling happy and optimistic.  My mind is truly clear as well and that's such a gift.

So while I realize that I'm still processing and growing and healing, I am also tremendously thankful to be where I am today.

While putting your hand on the small of her back to steady her was instinctive for you, it also triggered your stbx (that you felt from your hypersensitivity towards her); however, from the behavior that you described, she was able to emotionally process it, and realize you only had done it to help her balance her, and you also offered her your hand/arm in coming off the chair, and you said "She then spoke to me normally like nothing ever happened."  Do you think your wife's look of terror was from her 'fear of falling' or do you think it was from you touching her in a manner that was unexpected like you were being sensual towards her with ulterior motives?

No, it was DEFINITELY from me touching her back- she looked like she was stabbed and it was full blown terror.  There's still some deep seeded emotional stuff there for her...which makes sense with BPD.  She was always the quiet type while my daughter has traditional BPD.  That's how I never noticed it before; she's so unlike what we experienced with our kid.  I now see them as the same though in so many ways; the pain, scars, and patterns are clearly there for both of them, but their response is often polar opposites.

A few months after the breakup though, my wife presented as traditional BPD with obscene rages.  If I said anything she disagreed with, she'd scream at me in public and want to physically harm me.  If was always her idea to meet in public thinking that she wouldn't lose it...she lost it anyway exactly as my daughter would.  It was like a light switch flipped and looking back, it was scary how much anger she had carried for who knows how long.

The terror though, that's new and it breaks my heart.  Regardless of what happened, who's fault it was, etc, she has some deep trauma that I hope she can someday let go of.

Soon your stbx, will not directly be your problem anymore, as she will be an ex.  She is a big girl now, and even though you don't perceive her taking care of herself, from what you have described, she is taking much better care of herself than she has done in the past.  Unless her behaviors have a direct impact on your life, let her live her own life, and let her deal with her issues on her terms and timetable in a manner that she is doing - even if you see her not being happy with a 'fake' smile.  While you have indicated you are no longer codependent, wanting to fix her, without being asked is a trait of being codependent - thoughts?

I guess my answer would be, "It's complicated."  I still love her as a person, want nothing to do with her as a wife, and I'm trying my best to be friendly for the sake of our kids. 

My BPD daughter has to paint one of us black at all times...don't ask why, I have no idea.  But one of us is held on a pedestal and the other is trash.  Right now, it's shifting once again...she was close with me for over a year, I was painted black last month, and now she's starting to show me empathy once again.  I'm guessing my wife said or did something my daughter didn't like recently, so the pendulum is swinging back.  We have to co-parent like this because we have no choice.

I am letting my wife live her own life though; I never call unless it involves the kids or finances.  She lives with my younger (non-BPD) daughter to help with our grandson, so I have to be somewhat in her life if I want a relationship there (and I absolutely do, my non kid is my clone and we're very close).  Other than that though, I stay away and try to only visit my kid/grandson when I know my wife won't be there.

Now I am going to shift the focus of my comments towards you.  I see you helping out many more people than I do, and you have excellent advice to offer, and you seem to be happy doing this; however, as we are in similar boats, I also know you are suffering - from an emotional/mental perspective how is this any different that your wife helping out the handicapped young man and his family during the day, and your daughter and grandson at night?  From what you have described, I see both of you helping out others, each in their own respective ways, yet both of you are emotionally hurting and are processing this hurt by helping out others.  From my perspective, I see that you are helping complete strangers, and her with people she has befriended at church.

That's also fair and valid.  My wife is helping because she loves the handicapped young adult, but that person's father also continuously takes advantage of her.  If they're in a secret relationship then it makes sense- I genuinely hope that's the case for her sake.  But it bothers me to see anyone taken advantage of...especially someone I just spent the past 27 years with.

My non-daughter is highly intelligent and manipulative...mostly in good ways, but she does boss my wife around.  I used to find it amusing because she's always been painted white by both of us, we love her to death and let her get away with far too much.  In contrast, her BPD sister was always causing chaos 24/7 so it was almost impossible to not have a favorite.  I stick up for my wife a lot with this daughter and will continue to do so...because it's the right thing to do.

Since both of you (I am too) are involved in your church, perhaps lean into your belief system, there is a lot of wisdom in the good book, and perhaps frame your actions in a manner consistent with your belief system.  Lead by example - there is a Latin phrase that I am a firm believer in -  "Acta Non Verba" which translates into "Deeds Not Words" - I lead in my family, but what I do, and don't do - I don't tell my wife what to do (my minor child is a different story).  Make sense?

Faith is 100% what has got me through this and that won't change anytime soon.  More than anything else, that's how I've learned to lead through empathy because that's what Jesus did.  None of us will ever get it completely right and I accept that, but it's much easier to walk the path when you accept that many things are outside of our control.

If your renewed confidante friendship continues to grow, she may present you with opportunities to explore her mental health, if she makes exclamations of "I don't understand why ______ is doing ______?" use this as a springboard to tactfully making other helpful 'suggestions'.

I get that opportunity often when we talk about my BPD daughter, because there's always a crisis...yet one of us is always black.  I tell my BPD daughter all the time, if you tell me, it's the same as telling your mom.  We're your parents and that's how it will always be.  This infuriates my BPD kid, LoL, but I use these opportunities to talk about mental illness and the best path forward. 

Lately, I've let my wife decide...what should we do?  Do we help her or let her figure this one out on her own?  This is new because my wife always deferred to me....it's okay as long as your dad agrees.  So I was always the mean parent since my wife refused to participate.  Now she's participating though and actively making decisions, even if I'm the one delivering the news.  It's been helpful to actually co-parent and I hope it helps my wife see some of herself in all of this.

[Pook075]

They talked a lot about just holding a steady, calm presence, validating, listening, being there consistently... attempting to create a secure attachment, which is something that you've likely never had with your ex-wife, but potentially have the opportunity to create now, in this new situation, with new boundaries.

Yeah, I completely agree.  In many ways, it's better now than it has been in decades.  That's because my role has changed though and I'm no longer in that provider/partner position.  Her problems are truly her problems and they can't be blamed on me anymore.  That's shaken up the whole dynamic.

[SaltyDawg]

I think one benefit of ending things is that it's a clean break that allows you to see who you really are inside and what actually matters.  I was 100% blind to it in the marriage and had no idea how much of myself had died off to avoid arguments or stay content.  If I would have found this site 10 year ago (when my wife first started shutting down and my BPD daughter was at the height of her terror), then maybe things would have been very different. 

Pook,

I too was 100% blind to it.  I knew something was wrong, the couple's therapist (CT) was of no help in understanding this dynamic, for years as this CT believed my wife's distorted narrative and thought I was the issue, other than telling me to eventually seek individual therapy.  When I did, it took the individual therapist about 40 minutes into the very first session of listening to me in order to clue in to BPD when he asked me the all important questions "Has your wife been assessed for bipolar or BPD?"

I had heard of bipolar, but not BPD at the time - didn't really know what that meant, other than bipolar was a pretty severe mental health issue.  I looked up the symptoms of each, and BPD was a perfect 9/9 match.  The only (sub) symptom my wife has not shown is 'self-mutilation' which is part of the suicide symptom which she has exhibited 6 times.

A few months after the breakup though, my wife presented as traditional BPD with obscene rages.  If I said anything she disagreed with, she'd scream at me in public and want to physically harm me.  If was always her idea to meet in public thinking that she wouldn't lose it...she lost it anyway exactly as my daughter would.  It was like a light switch flipped and looking back, it was scary how much anger she had carried for who knows how long.

It's interesting that your wife also dysregulated in public, mine has too, once that I am aware of, in front of the church bell choir director.  However, she was able to collect herself after a few minutes, whereas, when she lost it with me or more recently our children, it would take her a sleep cycle to re-regulate.  When the rages came, it was like a light switch, 0-100 in under a second, as it did again the other day with our daughter.

I guess my answer would be, "It's complicated."  I still love her as a person, want nothing to do with her as a wife, and I'm trying my best to be friendly for the sake of our kids.

That's all you can do.  Handle yourself as best as you can for the children, as they will one day be the ones who take care of you (and her), when you are in a nursing home.

I too love my wife; however, she makes it so difficult for me to love her the way she wants me to love her, as she has an incredible feeling of emptiness inside of her.

My BPD daughter has to paint one of us black at all times...don't ask why, I have no idea.  But one of us is held on a pedestal and the other is trash.  Right now, it's shifting once again...she was close with me for over a year, I was painted black last month, and now she's starting to show me empathy once again.  I'm guessing my wife said or did something my daughter didn't like recently, so the pendulum is swinging back.  We have to co-parent like this because we have no choice.

I hear you.  You have to do what you have to do in order to get it done.  From what you have shared, I think you are doing an outstanding job, even though it would seem that you have no other choice in this matter.  You have figured out the dynamic, and are compensating for it.

My wife is helping because she loves the handicapped young adult, but that person's father also continuously takes advantage of her.  If they're in a secret relationship then it makes sense- I genuinely hope that's the case for her sake.  But it bothers me to see anyone taken advantage of...especially someone I just spent the past 27 years with.

At a minimum your wife has had at least an emotional affair if not a physical one, based on what you said back then.  I know you give and give, all one has to do is look at the number of posts you make, I also give and give too, but not as much as you (I have fewer posts per day than you do).  We have our own traumas to contend with, even though I feel that my trauma is mostly with my wife (when looking at the patterns of codependence that only became present when I am with her, about 2/3 of the ones I can self-recognize, 1/3 of the patterns pre-existed), even though I have some comparatively minor abandonment issues from a child.

Speaking of infidelity, my wife, for a while she was LGBTQ2+ curious for several months last year, I thought she was considering to 'switch sides', based on the reading material on her night-stand; however, I now do know she wants to renew our relationship; however, she has no idea on how to do it, even though I had my doubts, and even expressed it in a couple of our couple's therapy sessions, which my wife did not deny, nor was she offended by my comment at the time.  She ultimately remained loyal to marriage and scripture, so I have to respect the instructions found in Ephesians 5:22 to 6:4, because it is the 'right thing to do'. 

In any event, I do think you are doing the right thing, you are still learning, tweaking, and adapting to an ever changing dynamic, and I personally feel that you are way ahead of most others who are in similar shoes.  I know it is a possibility for me, so I am watching, and learning from your growth, so, if and when the time comes (about a 50% chance) I will be able to do something similar for my family.  You are an inspiration to me.   Thank you for everything you do here.

Take care.

SD

[Pook075]

She ultimately remained loyal to marriage and scripture, so I have to respect the instructions found in Ephesians 5:22 to 6:4, because it is the 'right thing to do'. 

In any event, I do think you are doing the right thing, you are still learning, tweaking, and adapting to an ever changing dynamic, and I personally feel that you are way ahead of most others who are in similar shoes.  I know it is a possibility for me, so I am watching, and learning from your growth, so, if and when the time comes (about a 50% chance) I will be able to do something similar for my family.  You are an inspiration to me.   Thank you for everything you do here.

For me, my wife walked away and broke our vows.  The Bible is clear that God hates divorce, and I never would have left her in a million years because of my faith.  But she chose to walk away, have the emotional affair, and cast her beliefs aside...which made my decision 10,000x easier.  If an unbeliever walks away, you let them go.

I waited it out for almost a year, wondering why God wasn't turning it around, until it finally dawned on me from a verse that kept popping up everywhere.  Proverbs 3:5-6.  No matter what's going on in life, Proverbs 3:5-6 are the answer. 

I was so consumed with what I wanted that I didn't even consider that God could be leading me in a different direction, or that my wife could have been temporarily blinded to her faith like Pharaoh and Moses.  Or that the storms we face in life are like the Israelites in the desert, walking aimlessly until they're ready to truly submit.

It all goes back to Proverbs 3:5 for me- it's just not in my hands and it's not in your either.

However, your wife has stayed and she's trying to find compromise, so I do agree that you should stay and support her as well.  The verse to love her like Jesus loves the church, that's radical acceptance and unlimited forgiveness no matter what.  It's the basis of the Christian faith- forgive others as the Lord forgives you.  Without one you don't get the other, you become separated from God by clinging onto sin and pride.

I didn't mean to turn this religious but again, it's where I've stood in all of this.  I try to show the love and compassion that I receive from above, because that's what we're called to do.  And don't get me wrong, I fail all the time...which is why forgiveness is all the more important.

[SaltyDawg]

For me, my wife walked away and broke our vows.  The Bible is clear that God hates divorce, and I never would have left her in a million years because of my faith.  But she chose to walk away, have the emotional affair, and cast her beliefs aside...which made my decision 10,000x easier.  If an unbeliever walks away, you let them go.

Brother Pook,

There have been many times, that I wish my wife had done exactly that, as that would have released me; however, she hasn't, so I must remain faithful.  I do feel that God has another great purpose for me, and much like Jonah, I am resisting it, and my path has a very specific purpose and direction - part of which is BPD Family.

Thank you for sharing Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

I didn't mean to turn this religious but again, it's where I've stood in all of this.  I try to show the love and compassion that I receive from above, because that's what we're called to do.  And don't get me wrong, I fail all the time...which is why forgiveness is all the more important.

Thank you for sharing, I needed this.

Take care.

SD

[Pook075]

Thank you for sharing, I needed this.

Take care.

SD

Absolutely, I'm really glad we got to share that.  We're both on a bumpy road and figuring this out.