How to validate but not take blame? -Outside opinions

[campbembpd]

Things have been pretty good for a couple of weeks with my uBPDw. I keep waiting for something to happen, knowing it would eventually.

Well something happened. And I'm working on trying to listen and validate her feelings without necessarily agreeing with the statements or saying I or someone else did something wrong.

We went out for the entire day on Sat with another couple. Great time. Sun was good, church then an after church class and we got home and things we're pretty relaxed I thought. But a few things started to trigger her...

1. at church she made plans las week to meet the mom of our 17dd's BF after church. We were in our class and the mom texted my wife to say hi and ask where she could find us. My wife didn't respond and the class went late. 13 minutes later not hearing from my wife she texted again and told my pwBPD that she had to work that night and needed to leave so she could take a nap.

2. my wife was watching a program on tv while I did some cleanup in the kitchen. (our usual scenario, she pours some wine or prosecco and sits on the couch while I work in the kitchen.). I didn't want to watch what she was watching, I wanted to read a book (I've started reading to do something for me) But instead fo going off into a quiet room by myself which is really what I wanted to do, I sat on the couch and read while she watched her program. I was overall quiet but I  chimed in here and there, asking about her show.

3. After dinner (which I served and cleaned up after) I had told my wife earlier that I was going to spend some time with 17dd to help her apply for jobs. My wife has been very agitated she hasn't found one yet so I told her I would start spending a few hours a week to help her out. I did that and my wife was my herself in the living room on the couch. By the time 17dd and I were almost done it was around 8:30 and my uBPDw came in to say she was going to lay down in bed. Very unusual. I asked if she was sure and she just said she was tired...

So I came into bed later, a little after 9 to see if she wanted to watch a show. She said she was just going to sleep so I didn't need to come to bed if I want to stay up for a bit. I really didn't want to go to bed so I stayed up and read for a bit before coming to bed at 10pm. She was out.

So this morning I was up before her per usual to start work (from home). I went in to say good morning and that's when she let me know how she:

a) Said she couldn't believe what the BF's mom did by leaving. Saying she couldn't wait 5 minutes?? She said the mom knew she was in that class and she couldn't wait 5 minutes and this is the person our daughter wants to hang out with? I felt like she discarded me, my wife said. Then she said she didn't feel like she could talk to me about it because at the time it happened I said something like that's too bad, no big deal, sounds like she had to get home and rest for her work that night. Let's try to meet next week.

b) she felt alone all day. She started using absolutes like "we NEVER talk, you ALWAYS sit on your phone" or you just sit there with your book. When I said sometimes I do just want to sit quietly and read a book. I said I'm sure you want to sit quietly and do something sometimes. She responded by saying no, not really. Then said I was being defensive for saying that I wanted to read quietly and I'm basically putting a stake in the ground telling her this is what I'm doing and stated that my wants are more important then her wants.

c) she asked why she wasn't being included in the job search? (she's never expressed wanting to, she doesn't really I don't think - she just didn't want to be alone) I failed and 'explained' that we just wanted to go to a quiet room to do it so we could focus on it and not have distractions.

d) More about how she was basically alone all day, not alone but not interacted with, not talked to. She made a statement that she's made many times which is I don't talk unless I've had something to drink. (I'm dry Jan so no alcohol right now). She said “unfortunately my needs didn’t get met yesterday which was just company."

Thankfully I had to get back to work and have a very full day. She popped her head in an hour or so later to say she was going out but didn't know where.

So - I've felt like this for a long while that it's become my job to entertain her, keep her company. She doesn't have a real much of a social life and is home a lot because she works from home. I've encouraged her getting involved with church groups or even finding a p/t job. I don't know. It feels funny because I'm too damn busy to be bored . It's like I'm doing all this stuff - working f/t, shopping, cooking, cleaning, she's literally sitting around half the time because she works at most 16 or so hours a week, often much less. I'm not working it's like I'm supposed to be her jester and dance around. And it's my fault when she's bored or doesn't have something to do.

My codependent/caretaking instincts try to kick in and tell me stop reading in front of her anymore, only do it when she's occupied with something else (which is what I've done with most of the things I want to do for me and hence have no hobbies and stopped really reading years ago). I try to sit and think how do I fix this. I know I can't but my head starts scrambling to think of what can I do?

So I am trying to find how to appropriately respond to validate that she's feeling what she's feeling but not take the 'blame'. When I stand back I don't see anything wrong I've done (maybe someone can take a look and let me know if I'm insane). So I get to a point where it's hard to know what to say to validate her feelings but not admit fault when I'm certain I didn't do anything wrong. Or when it comes to other people (like the BFs mom) how they really didn't do anything wrong but I worry she will instigate something or potentially have a 'conversation' with someone else and hurt my 17dd's relationship because they'll eventually see some instability in my uBPDw.

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[once removed]

b) she felt alone all day. She started using absolutes like "we NEVER talk, you ALWAYS sit on your phone" or you just sit there with your book. When I said sometimes I do just want to sit quietly and read a book. I said I'm sure you want to sit quietly and do something sometimes. She responded by saying no, not really. Then said I was being defensive for saying that I wanted to read quietly and I'm basically putting a stake in the ground telling her this is what I'm doing and stated that my wants are more important then her wants.

people with bpd tend to communicate needs, they just tend to use dysfunctional ways of communicating them, and thats what we hear.

they characteristically exaggerate and blow things out of proportion due to impaired emotional regulation, but if you read between the lines, they tend to be communicating something valid.

your instinct when she says "we NEVER do this, you ALWAYS do this" is to JADE. its understandable that you would be defensive, because the way she states it, it feels like an attack. but what is she really saying, at the end of the day?

she wants you to be more present. valid? bad? something to take blame or not for?

shes also communicating that shes had a stressful day (if there is one thing to know about bpd, it is that stress exacerbates it), and shes trying, in essence, to get your attention. shes doing it by venting/dumping/questioning you, because thats what she knows; at the end of the day, shes telling you she needs love, or reassurance, or your presence, or for you to listen, or all of the above.

that is how you validate. validation isnt magic words, or an exercise to calm a person down, and if you use it that way (everyone does, at first), it will come off awkwardly, condescendingly, and you will likely be called on it.

in order to sift through the drama, and hear what is valid, you have to actively, and without guard getting in the way, listen to what the other person is telling you: https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

for people with bpd, or any difficult person really, this can be more challenging for reasons i mentioned, but its a skill; it can improve, it can get easier. when i was still with my ex, shed use "you NEVER" or "we NEVER" or "you ALWAYS" all the time. i would argue with her about how that couldnt literally be true, start naming times to the contrary. id feel attacked, shed feel unheard, and when couples chronically have that dynamic when it comes to how they deal with conflict, resentment and distrust build, and the relationship breaks down over time.

[Pook075]

Those are tough questions- and complicated answers.  My marriage was very similar in that I was always perceived as the problem, even when I tried several approaches to be the solution.  Somehow they were all wrong...which brings us to what's really at the heart of the matter here.

Your wife had a bad day and can't accept that she could have played a part in it.  So who's at fault?  The woman who couldn't wait.  You for your reading and helping your kid.  Nobody understands what she needs and nobody tries.  That's her problem, but it's not THE PROBLEM.  The real problem is that she doesn't know how to express that she's having a bad day and needs a little extra support.

When she complains about someone else, you show empathy by talking it out and understanding her frustration.  That's not saying she's right, it's saying you understand her viewpoint and can see why it upset her.  

When she complains that she wasn't included in a job search, you show empathy by inviting her to help with the job search.  She could have walked in at anytime and helped, I get that...and this is completely on her.  But as a husband, you make the extra effort to show that she's valuable and respected.

When she says you're too involved with your book, you show empathy by putting the book down and suggesting an alternate activity.  Likewise, when she's upset or simply too quiet...you suggest that same activity.  You didn't like what was on TV, fair enough.  You suggest watching a move both of you enjoy...or a streaming series that you both like that can become "your show".  For instance, my ex-wife and I have very different tastes in TV, but we both liked Hell's Kitchen, Bachelor in Paradise, and I Can See Your Voice.  You find compromises for something that works for both of you that can be "your thing".

One last thing, your wife went to bed because she was feeling unneeded.  Again, that's a "her thing", not something you necessarily did.  She could have chosen to participate in the job search but instead took that as a rejection when others in the home did something without her.  

I used to play Fortnite with my youngest daughter, for example, and we had a lot of fun talking trash and laughing.  My wife wanted to be involved and she tried to learn the game...but she's not a gamer and my kid's trash talk gave her extreme anxiety.  My kid and I weren't good either...we were okay but spent the majority of each game making fun of each other and seriously cracking up.  Our joy was an insult to her, a way to show that she was "less than" in just another way.  But I never could realize it, I thought we were all having fun together.

Your job is to "read the room" and put her feelings first, to anticipate when things have a chance of going sideways.  It's very unfair in a way, but it all boils down to you needed to be just a bit more supportive and understanding of her moods and energy levels.  I completely failed because I didn't know then what I know now...and that's life.  We all live and learn.  So don't take this personally, you just need to do a little bit more in terms of reading her emotions.  

[zondolit]

I read some advice about teenagers and it's to reply "that stinks" to any complaint they make.

When my teenagers come home from school, they often have many complaints. I try to resist correcting them or worrying that they are turning out like their father (who complains a lot) and just listen and agree: Too much homework? That stinks. Boring day? That stinks. Cynical teacher? That stinks. And on and on. I validate all their negative feelings about the school day. Do they still have to do the too-much homework? Yes. And go to school even though it bores them? Yes. But having me listen and validate their feelings helps them.

So I agree with the advice you've been given: try to let your wife vent and as much as possible genuinely say, "Of course! I know! Poor dear! How awful! That stinks!" Would you get upset by someone not waiting five minutes? Maybe not, but this is not about you, it is about your wife and she IS upset about the five minutes. So you tell her: that stinks the person couldn't wait five minutes. 

The problem I've found is I cannot do this when I'm feeling resentful, and I think you are resentful. You are working too much and not living your own life enough.

Are there some small changes you can make that will make you feel better? If you are doing too much of the kitchen work, can you order out some meals? Can you book yourself two hours a week at the library to read by yourself? Have a weekly coffee date with your daughter, just the two of you? These suggestions may not work for you, but what small changes that do not require your wife's involvement can you make to make your life (not hers) better?