I feel like I'm ranting and I probably am but it does help to write it out. I guess I'm looking for any insight or advice from people that have gone through similar scenarios can offer. Thank you.
Hi Android and welcome. You are absolutely in the right place! Don't worry about a formal diagnosis since that's simply a label. If you see those tendencies there throughout your relationship, combined with how she left (my wife of 24 years left the same way), that's enough for us to work with.
First off, what happened!?! You're probably thinking it's something you did this past week or this past month, but this is something that's been building for awhile now. And it probably started with very tiny things, stuff that you've forgiven and forgotten about, but someone with mental illness can hold onto those instances and make a mountain out of a mole hill. It's a sickness and it can build out of control.
For instance, a little of my story. Married 24 years, pretty good relationship overall but we did grow apart maybe the past five years...my wife just became more distant and struggled with depression. When I'd ask her what's wrong, she'd say, "I don't know" and it would usually last an afternoon or maybe a couple of days, but fast forward five years and these cycles would stretch on for a week or more. We did have a lot going on, my dad dying from cancer at home as we cared for him, a BPD daughter always causing chaos, the depression seemed almost expected given the circumstances. I wasn't myself either and the stress levels of caring for my dad and working multiple jobs was more than I could handle.
The final week we were together, I got a call that my brother was dying of cancer...it was the end and nobody knew. My wife and I were going to the beach that week with a handicapped young adult's family she cares for, and when I asked her to alter the plans she refused. My alternative was to visit my brother and then arrive to the beach one day later, but it wasn't acceptable. That hurt but whatever...I'm a trooper and I can do this without support, just like I did with my dad.
That final week, my wife didn't talk to me at all...completely avoided me. She was shutting down completely and I couldn't understand why- my brother was dying and I had to say goodbye! But she avoided me the entire week. My flight was 7AM on a Saturday so I got up super early, and as I was walking out of the room I realized that my wife was silently sitting up in the bed just staring off into space. It was honestly spooky but after ignoring me all week long, I didn't say anything- I just left.
I flew home on Monday afternoon and by that night, I had COVID. So I never went to the beach and I ended up very sick, it turned into bronchitis and I actually thought I was going to die that Wednesday night as I went to sleep. I've never been that sick before in my life. My wife refused to come home early though, she wouldn't even consider it...and I should have saw the writing on the wall.
Once she returned home the following Sunday, she told my daughter that she was leaving me. My relationship was like your relationship....some bumpy roads at times but it was mostly good, wasn't it? I thought the problems were outside the marriage and beyond our control, and I never could have realized what my wife was thinking all those years depressed in the bed. Even with me trying to help her and comfort her, she saw me as a man who could care less about her or her wellbeing. A few days later, we had a simple conversation and she left for good.
Maybe a week later, my wife returned to try to "reconcile", but really she came back to tell me what a piece of trash I was. She brought up stuff from the whole 24 years of marriage, single instances where I was unthoughtful or selfish, and blasted me for over an hour straight. In her mind, I was a vile wicked man who never did anything for her...and I was speechless. I didn't even try to fight back because my mind couldn't comprehend what was happening. It absolutely destroyed me to the core.
It's been 18 months and I've let go of that pain, but I told my story in detail since it feels like it relates a lot to your experience as well. The answer you're looking for here is that your wife has carried emotional baggage and pain for awhile now and it finally reached a boiling point. Her fear of abandonment simply took over and convinced her to flee.
That's what happened in my story- choosing a dying brother over a beach trip, combined with zero communication the week before, was the final straw. And at face value, that makes zero sense- surely my wife was a pure monster, right? Not at all, she simply carried so many negative emotions for so long and was so fearful that the marriage was falling apart, that she basically abandoned me in a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's very sad but she did what she thought was best for her...even though most of our problems were caused by her inability to talk about her problems.
I shared that last part so you can see- you did anything "wrong" and this isn't about you...it's about mental illness and disordered thinking. The real "problem" was things you couldn't see and couldn't support her on because she had no idea how to express it.
So what do you do now? First off, this is no different from any other form of severe trauma, and step one is taking care of yourself both mentally and physically. You have to get out of the house, get off the computer, and do whatever it is that brings you happiness in life- a hobby, a passion, etc. Physical exercise also helps and you must eat healthy-ish...don't rely on Hot Pockets and frozen pizzas. Also consider talking to a counselor because you are not okay and you do need to talk this out.
I don't want to go any longer here, so please feel free to ask questions and know that you will have support. Also check out the sticky tabs at the top of the page for ways to improve your communication skills with your wife when you do talk. A lot of it is counter-intuitive and makes no sense at first, but it absolutely works wonders once you become a little more proficient.
Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this and I hope my story helped a little. It's therapeutic to write that stuff out and release it, so again...ask questions, rant, whatever you have to do.
