I've recently found this forum and I'm looking for general advice about what I can do to try and support my partner better as BPD is new to me and I have no clue where I should begin. Are there ways to show I understand it's not her but BPD that causes her to think/feel these things, or maybe support groups to give me the tools needed to understand how and why she feels this way?
Thanks in advance.
Hello and welcome to the family!
I'm about to run out the door so I'll give you the two-cent version and let others come in behind me.
People with BPD are prone to rely more on emotions than logic, which means that a good day is a GREAT DAY! But it's also true for all the other emotions as well and it makes them second-guess a lot of things by over-analyzing it from an emotional standpoint. For example, you do something that's slightly rude or inconsiderate, and a person w/ BPD could obsess over that when you didn't even realize you were out of place. Why'd they say that? Were they trying to hurt me? What's that say about them as a person?
It's straight down the rabbit hole with emotionally-charged thinking that can be completely out of context from what actually happened.
Your job is to help them stop spiraling down the rabbit hole, so to speak, but focusing on their emotions and helping them stabilize back to rational, logical thought.
One thing that comes to mind is our former dog....super sweet, super loving and obedient...absolutely the best dog I've ever had, a big old goofy white lab. Except for when she sees a squirrel. Once that happens, she goes into super duper hyperactive mode and the world fades out...she must get that squirrel at all costs! Sometimes she's spot a squirrel from the window three houses down and we had no idea what was going on...she was inconsolable though until we opened the door and let her try to run the poor squirrel down. She never caught one and I have no idea what she'd even do if she could. But it was pure obsession and she couldn't control it.
With someone with BPD, they're a lot like that when they become hyper-focused over something their minds can't solve. The emotions take over and they can be all over the map...crying, yelling, blaming, etc. Your job isn't to defend or argue, your job is to calm them down and help them escape that panicked state.
Anyway, I have to run! Welcome once again and please ask away with questions. The sticky tabs at the very top of this page are invaluable on how to say, "It's only a darn squirrel....calm down!"
