Hi RDF and, from one stepmom to another,
It can be so helpful to move from reading to sharing on this site.
My H has two daughters who are now 15.5 and 17 (nearly 18). I can say hands down that 15 has been
the most challenging age for both of them. Kind of like -- maximum sense of ability ("I'm the most grown up I've ever been!"), autonomy, self-centeredness, and entitlement, with minimum sense of empathy for others or compromise. Lots of black-and-white thinking and big reactions. Our 15.5YO has, blessedly, now that she's closer to 16, been more open to discussion and compromise with us, and our 17YO has had light-years of insight and perspective develop over the last 2 years. And yes, their mom has many BPD-type traits , and they have a stepdad with many NPD traits. It... hasn't been easy.
Many of us here on the boards have a situation where a child's (or stepchild's) other parent has PD traits and behaviors, and as the kids go through adolescence, it is
really difficult to suss out which behaviors are "typical teen" behaviors, which ones are a function of the two-home setup (but not due to BPD influence), which ones are "rubbing off" on the child from the BPD parent, and which ones may legitimately be emerging BPD in the child.
While it's not impossible that your SD15 may be showing emerging BPD, it's also important to remember that playing two parents off of each other can be typical in a high-conflict two-home situation, and as 15YO's seem to have maximum entitlement with minimum maturity
they may use low-skill maneuvers to get immediate gratification... and that looks a lot like BPD behaviors. So, it might be BPD, but it also might be her using the most effective tools (but not mature tools!) at hand to get what she wants.
All that to say -- whether she does or doesn't have "official" BPD doesn't make your life easier right now. It's the behaviors, not the label, making your life difficult.
Just a few questions to get a better sense of the situation:
-when did H and SD15's mom divorce, and how old was she at the time?
-is there a custody order/parenting plan in place? Was it followed for a while?
-how long have you and H been married? How old was SD15 when you married?
-is SD15 in any kind of counseling or therapy (even seeing the school counselor)?
...
It's good to hear that you and your H have counseling scheduled. My H and I did MC since before we got married (11 years coming up this year) through late last year, and I don't think we would have survived without it.
Hopefully the two of you can work through roles and expectations in MC. Being a stepmom is sometimes the "worst of both worlds" -- you have all the agony, care, love, and investment in the kids, with zero power or control over how things go. OK, that's a bit of an overstatement -- even parents really don't have control over how their kids turn out -- but the stepparent role really highlights that fact. And that can make it so difficult when you see your spouse doing something (or not doing something) regarding the kids that you really disagree with and wish would change.
...
My overall thoughts about the situation in front of you -- SD15 not responding to your texts, and you wondering if you should keep texting her or her mom -- would be:
whatever frequency and tone you used to message SD15, feel free to keep doing that, "as if" things were basically OK, and without expecting or hoping for a response. This isn't about pretending everything is fine, but more about demonstrating to SD15 that you are stable, continue to love her, and she doesn't need to do anything particular for you to keep loving her no matter what. So, if you'd normally text her "have a great day at school" every morning, don't feel like you have to stop that -- as long as you genuinely want to send that message. If you feel like you need a break from messaging her, that is OK too! I think the most important thing is to do what you would want to do because of who you are, not in hopes of a certain response from her.
I remember one night after I'd taken SD17 to work. She laid into me while I was driving her there, basically telling me how I was doing stuff wrong regarding SD15, not listening to my perspective, not curious about my point of view, and totally entitled and self-important about the whole thing. I didn't feel like talking about it with her again, but I did do something nice for her when she got home, that I would've done anyway, and she was grateful. While I'm still not sure if that was the A+ correct approach or not, what I can say is I hope it showed her that she can be a rude and immature teenager and I'll still love her, that my love isn't dependent on her "being perfect" or "being mature" etc. And when there's a parent wBPD in the mix, that can be an important message to send, as the child may feel that love from the BPD parent is conditional ("I have to make sure Mom is happy or she won't love me").
In terms of you texting her mom, I'm thinking it might be a better direction to focus your energy on supporting and empowering your H to deal with her. Listening to how he's feeling, not solving his problems, and asking how he thinks he might handle it are generally more empowering than giving advice, saying what he should do, etc. Though it doesn't hurt to ask him if he'd like to hear about some new ways of communicating that might help! My H was grateful to learn about
B.I.F.F. communication especially when he saw how it decreased pointless email arguments between him and the kids' mom.
It can be easy (but
stressful) for us stepmoms to get drawn into
unhealthy drama triangles. It can be more uncomfortable, but ultimately healthier, for us to find ways to empower our partners to step up in their parenting role, while we provide strength from the sidelines.
None of this is easy, and it can take a while to turn things around, but I'm here to tell you that our family has gone from SD17 telling H "you're not my family" to his face, to her leaning on us to help her problemsolve significant issues at her mom's house. It's a long journey to make those changes and it is possible and worth it.
Hope some of that is helpful food for thought -- let us know your take on those BIFF and drama triangle links. I'd be curious if any of that sounds helpful or resonates with you?
-kells76