How to make BPD wife gets the treatment

[prodigylife]

Hello, I am new in this group.

I have been dealing with BPD wife since 15+ years and going through extremely hard time on and off. I have been asking her to get treatment but she denies that she has mental illness. She has all the lie stories and blames on me for everything.

I tried to reach out to Kaiser Psychiatrist department and tried to get appointment for her they denies to do that as she has to call and get appointment.

It's very frustrating and painful to deal with this problem. Can anyone suggest how to get her treatment?

I will appreciate any advices or suggestions.

Thank you!!!

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[kells76]

Hey prodigylife, glad you joined us  and welcome to the boards.

15 years is a long time to cope with a BPD relationship. Did you notice issues right away, or have things gotten worse over time?

It makes sense that because you love your wife, you want her to be well. One of the challenging things about BPD is that because shame is a part of the disorder, it is really difficult for a pwBPD (person with BPD) to accept that he or she has a mental illness issue. It is too much shame, and so the pwBPD might instead turn around and blame you: "I'm not the one with the problem; in fact, you're the one with the problem!" So it isn't surprising to hear that your W denied that she had a problem.

It's really important to remember that people get help for problems that they think the have, not for problems that we think they have. Fortunately, there are ways to work with this -- but it can be unintuitive.

An incredibly helpful book on exactly this topic (how to help a loved one get into treatment) is called I am Not Sick I Don't Need Help! by Dr. Xavier Amador. His brother had schizophrenia, and Dr. Amador recounts both his own failed attempts to convince or force his brother into treatment, and his more successful attempts after he radically changed how he interacted with his brother. I'd highly recommend you pick up a copy -- your local library may have it, or a bookstore or online (I got mine at a local bookstore).

...

What do you think your wife would say the problem is, from her perspective?

[prodigylife]

Thank you Kells76!! I appreciate your response. Yes, 15+ years of painful life but I have been dealing with it. So many incidents, psychotic episodes, unnecessary arguments, dramas, etc. I have recorded her several psychotic episodes and shown them to herself too it didn't help her to realize that she had mental issues. I was hoping she would realize it and seek the doctor's help but no instead she blames me and tells me I have a mental problem, not me. Yes exactly like you have mentioned.

To make her happy I have taken therapists and it helped me cope with pwBPD. In that therapy session, I mentioned my wife's behavior and symptoms and he said it could be BPD which is a very complicated illness and hard to deal with. The sessions were mainly to talk about how to deal with the stress of living with pwBPD. He suggested reading the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and he always says "You have no options" getting divorced or dealing with her lifetime. That book is excellent!!

Thanks for the book suggestion, I will read it.

Her perspective: She says the problem is me, it's all because of me she has a mental illness!! Sounds crazy but she makes herself feel that way. She doesn't have any friends. Even her parents and own brother don't want to deal with her. So, she keeps nagging me, to torture me by saying all the crazy stuff. When I react to it, that's it that's the trap. I can't get out of it just because we have two little children.