>How can I break this cycle once and for all?

[IMissHer21]

Mate where are you from sounds exactly like my situation…

Is my ex likely to recycle again?

My ex and I got together in June of 2023 she is currently 19 and I am currently 23. We spent the entirety of 2023 stuck in some toxic cycle where any argument or disagreement or if a lot of stress was between us she would choose to end things and this would last roughly 2 weeks before she would reach out and say sorry followed by false promises to never do it again, and to change etc. granted I am also to blame as I become incredibly toxic and one issue I’ve noticed with me is I’ve become incredibly codependent with my ex. Fast forward to December 2023 and she broke up again this was the 21st time since June (I know. ridiculous) it was new years morning 2am and drunk messages and no caller Ids come through from her saying new year new us and as usual more empty promises. We sat and spoke for days about everything at the start of the new year and she seemed more serious than ever before that the cycle would stop. I had doubts but I said to her you’ve got one chance this year if you do it again it’s fully done I’m not going into a new year entertaining this cycle. It’s my fault for keep taking her back but I just kept hoping she’d change clearly I’ve taught her that it’s okay to come and go as you please. Anyway. 18 days into January, we had spent a few days prior to this arguing a lot everyday and instead of bailing she stuck and spoke everything out with me as normal adults do but the stress was still there. She left again claiming the usual “it’s over I’m not coming back again” “you’re psychotic” “you’re toxic” etc the usual things she says. Tonight she collected her things from our home and moved out. I know she will reach out again and yes I want to work things through with her as I know she’s my one and only soulmate however how can I break this cycle once and for all?

The first couple of times she ever broke up she would phone up within a few days sounding very regretful almost panicking even turned up at our shared place of work at 5 am in a taxi “to talk” however there is one thing I would like to point out and that is since taking her back those times since then. The only times she’s ever reached out to try to fix things or reconcile has been when she is drunk. She’s sent a couple breadcrumbs but I am good at no contact and can stick to it but yes she only ever wants to sort stuff with me when she’s drunk. I hate it, makes me feel like PLEASE READ. But other than that she has a routine if you will with this cycle it’s exactly the same every time. We say our goodbyes take cares etc… then silence for maximum 2 weeks however she keeps location shared and reposts/shares quotes and videos on social media every single day 10-20 times a day about relationships about not getting treated right about the man changing. These posts switch within the first week are bitter almost like digs at me however going into the second week of no contact they are more about missing someone not getting over someone about love and things related to us that only we understand from within the relationship. Then she will go clubbing with friends and boom no caller ids drunk texts followed by a lot of “regret” and promises to not do this or that again to never leave again and to communicate rather than ghosting/avoiding… it’s the exact same pattern everytime I can almost predict each day at this point.

HOWEVER this time I got dismissed from my job on the 26th January 7 days after the breakup and she works at the same job. We had to see each other and I thought this was one of the reasons the cycle kept happening. Since leaving the job her posts and reposts have barely been positive just ones stating “I did care, not anymore” but other posts are saying stuff” like staying loyal to my ex”it does seem different this time but maybe that’s because I don’t have the routine of working at the same company anymore however she did say due to me not working there it will be easier to get over each other of course this isn’t what I want. She doesn’t seem bothered this time at all…… she says all these things yet still shares her locations and breadcrumbed me twice yesterday liking videos I shared on social media relating to a show we both enjoy watching together, she also has watched every single story of mine within an hour of posting since the breakup…

What is happening is another cycle on the horizon?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hey AP2000,

Is my ex likely to recycle again?

It's a question so many members here share. We'd like to know -- to have some certainty amidst the unpredictability of BPD relationships.

The answer might be "it depends". It certainly looks like the two of you had "a dance" you did, with predictable moves. Double digit relationship recycling could point to yes, she may attempt to reconnect. After all, it worked in the past... a lot.

That being said, each pwBPD is different. My H's kids' mom never (to my knowledge) attempted to reconnect with him, "paint him white", etc.

The nice thing about this situation, where you don't know what she'll do, is that you have 100% control over what you'll do.

You can game plan either scenario.

What do you want to do if she tries to reconnect?

What do you want to do if she doesn't?

...

A huge part of healthily processing a relationship with a pwBPD is turning the spotlight away from them and on to ourselves. You're calling her your ex -- if you're over her and done with the relationship, you have an opportunity to focus on yourself, what you want, and who you want to be. That can often get lost in the hyperfocus on the BPD partner in a BPD relationship.

So -- big question -- do you want to be done? Because if you do, it won't matter what she does or doesn't do.

...

P.S. I'm so sorry you're coping with job loss on top of everything. I know that doesn't make it easier.

[Skip]

What do you fight about? It's usually a reoccurring theme.

That might be the place to start.

[IMissHer21]

Hello, it’s been a long time since I decided to post here. My username has been updated to IMissHer21. However I can provide an accurate update on the situation since my last post.

After 8 months of being together with 22 breakups initiated by her and no change in behaviour in regards to listening and respecting my boundaries/boundaries we set together as a couple, the coming and going constantly, the false promises and future faking. I decided I had had enough. So I ended things myself. I went no contact and we didn’t speak or have any communication for 4/5 months.

One day I was out in town (we both live in the same town) drinking with my friends. Suddenly I look up and lock eyes with her as she crosses the road. I turn around as to avoid her, but she grabs my arm and says “can we talk”I said not really but ended up hearing what she had to say anyway. She said stuff along the lines of “I’ve never been able to get over you, I miss you, I never stopped loving you etc” she was not drunk but had been drinking all day as she had been at a festival all day. Her phone which was on her lap lit up as a notification came through and I saw that her wallpaper was a photograph of her an another one of her exes which she had seen at said festival earlier in the day and also kissed them. (This from the girl that constantly said how she hated her exes and basically didn’t know what she was thinking ever being with them) I said “really you’ve never been able to get over me yet your wallpaper suggests otherwise. She then changed her wallpaper to a photo of her and I from the 8 month relationship that we had previously been in. I said “you need to delete all of the photos and forget about me” I showed her my phone and how I had deleted all photos/memories during the 5 months apart. As I was showing her that I had deleted everything she saw a photo of a girl I was previously talking to in my camera roll, stood up and walked away. I thought that was it.

Fast forward a couple of days later and she texts basically saying her feelings are so strong since talking to and seeing me again and she wants to sort things so we did we went for cocktails and explained how neither of us had been with anyone else, physically emotionally or sexually since we had split 4/5 months ago. (This is a fact by the way) we both had talking stages but this had lasted 2 days for both of us.

The last couple of months we have been together again but not officially in a relationship. I’ve been asking her repeatedly to get on the same page as me and that I won’t be becoming official with her until I absolutely know that this time there isn’t going to be any games… she seemed serious constantly watching videos on bpd admitting she may have it and resonating with a lot of things discussed on forums and in videos on bpd. One day we had had an argument and she split resulting in a mini breakup again. Next day I see her in the club grinding on some random guy. I called her a nasty name and walked out crying. She then proceeded to blow my phone up on no caller id… I didn’t pick up she showed up at the flat, I went mental screaming calling her every name and told her to go to her mums. She kept saying sorry but I didn’t want to hear it. Next day I had 472 phone calls from her come through and an 18 page letter admitting to how sorry she was and everything in the letter was incredibly in depth and showed she seemed to have genuine remorse for her actions. She overly apologised and just kept repeating how disgusted she was at herself she asked me for another chance I said I’m heartbroken and need to think about it it’s not something I ever thought you would do, she kept saying “that’s not her she didn’t know what she was thinking” 

next day I went to work thought about it came back to the flat, I walked in on her watching YouTube videos on bpd relationships, I sat down told her I’d been thinking and I can’t do it to myself to give her another chance. She hysterically started crying begging me holding onto my arms and crying hard just kept repeating please give me another chance, I can’t lose you, I’m so sorry, I’ll do whatever it takes” this lasted for no word of a lie 2 hours. So I gave her another chance making it clear that this was it if she messed up again or didn’t respect my boundaries or me as a person or if we can’t work together then I was done. She said she understood and a week later she tried to breakup again I remind her of the words in the 22 page letter and her episode of crying asking for another chance and she responds saying “that’s how I felt at that time this is now) like wtf. But she did remind me that she felt disgusted still at herself for what she done. Anyway we sorted that out next day and we were back to talking again. We had some great times really good times we were happy together the last 2 months going for walks along the beach days our meals out we were actually getting somewhere so it seemed. We wanted her to move in to my flat so she went home to tell her mum and her mum who is diagnosed bpd went mental calling me a narcissist control freak etc basically saying no she isnt moving in. (Pathetic. She is 20 I had to remind her she can do whatever she wants) anyway long story short she simply could not say no to her mum no matter how much we spoke about it. We were on off again for a week every couple of days talking again. Until we had a huge argument, I flipped shoved her (again) (I know really not good and I’m not happy with myself and take full responsibility) we were screaming arguing until her mum come and picked her up. I then received a message from her saying “after this I want nothing to do with you, you’ve proved to me nothing will ever change” she then blocked me on every platform.

2 days later she unblocked me on Facebook, but the block remains in place everywhere else for the last 8 days (currently). She has since posted a few undirects on her Facebook (sad quotes about relationship related things) but not tried to reach out at all. I have caught her once or twice unblocking me on TikTok for an only a few seconds (I’m guessing to check my posts/pages/reposts) but then blocked again. Within the last 8 days since she blocked me I spent the first 3/4 days trying to get through to her, every call I tried she would hang up immediately upon hearing my voice, every text I’d send from different numbers were ignore. I decided to spend £150 on 100 roses, a bottle of rosé and a teddy and had that delivered to her door, again no direct response but I did notice that she had posted a quote from the film “after” on her Facebook a few days ago (around the same time receiving the roses) which I had also referenced the film in a small note sent with the roses. Thought this was a bit coincidental but could be wrong.

It’s now been 3 days that I’ve been completely silent and it will stay this way from my side now.

What is to be expected or to happen, her family obviously have now formed a very strong opinion on me and dislike me completely obviously I can understand this but also this has only given her mum more reasons as to why she shouldn’t move in with me. I should also mention that at the start of this breakup (currently 8 days ago) she decided to recycle an old friend of hers that she hasn’t spoken to within the last 4 months so that’s just great he is also an enabler to her bpd and had caused us many issues in the previous relationship that we had together, by gossiping and being very childish. I should also mention that the other people that she was friends with previously mugged her off completely within the last 4 months and she did end up cancelling going on the holiday because we were back speaking again, she cut the friends off because they were mugging her off behind her back and didn’t end up paying her back the money for the holiday she had paid for over the months

I hope I’ve made this clear enough of an update. I do not know what to expect or what is going to happen but Thankyou for reading.