Hi StepMothering;
Sounds like you're overdue for a break from the drama
Let's see what we can figure out together.
However, the SD w/ BPD currently lives in our town, in an AirBnB that her mother pays for. Since we are local we get the calls for every single dramatic situation. The police call us to pick SD up. The AirBnB landlords call us to move SD out because she is obstructive.
How did the police and AirBnB get your number?
Air BnB, at least, you should be able to change. If Mom wants to pay for the ABB, Mom's number (or SD's number) can be the point of contact. Next time ABB calls you, tell them "Sorry, you got the wrong number. The number associated with the payer is 555-1212". This one looks like a slam-dunk to me.
With the police, what would happen if next time they called, you said "Sorry, we are not able to pick up SD. I'm sure you and she can work something out." That would be an appropriate outcome for an adult involved with the police. When I got arrested as a 20-something year old, I had to work that out myself. Granted, I didn't call my parents to help me out, but even if I had, they probably would not have stepped in. I felt mature enough to make those choices on my own, without asking my parents? Then I was sure mature enough to handle the consequences on my own. This is another possible slam-dunk -- even if SD keeps giving the police your number, she's an adult, and it doesn't have to be your job to rescue her. It's OK to be too busy to pick her up.
My husband keeps asking her mother to quit giving SD money as she doesn't know how to spend it. If SD is not spending it on drugs, she spends it on situations that my husband then feels like he has to bail her out of. For the most part, we have bypassed spending our own money lately but it is because her mother funds every "dire" situation and little whim.
Yeah, asking the other parent to stop doing something often doesn't work -- and how Mom spends her money isn't under your control, no matter what. Believe me, I get how frustrating it can be (my H has two kids and their mom has many BPD traits).
The key here is that you and your husband each control your own behavior.
Is it uncomfortable for him not to bail out SD? That could be something to work on with a therapist, for example.
Has anyone dealt with this situation and found a strong argument to make with the other parent to help them see that they aren't helping? Continually saving SD from consequences from situations or actions that she has created, only adds fuel to the fire. At the same time we recognize the traits of her mother just trying to quell her daughter's abusive guilt-tripping behavior.
The strongest "arguments" we will ever make in family structures permeated with BPD are through our
actions, not our words.
Mom is gonna do what she is gonna do. Where you can make changes, though, is in how you and your H approach the situation.
I'm thinking that learning about
real boundaries could be a game changer for you and H.
I also think I saw a little glimmer of a real boundary here:
For the most part, we have bypassed spending our own money lately but it is because her mother funds every "dire" situation and little whim.
That could be something right there.
Boundaries are rules we have for ourselves, that don't require anyone else's cooperation, approval, or participation.
Sometimes people think that boundaries are the same as ultimatums: "Mom, you have to stop spending your money on SD or else!" But we don't have that kind of control over other people.
A real boundary is based on our values, what we are OK with doing, and what we are OK with letting into our lives.
It would be totally normal to have a boundary around your money that you and H come up with together:
"If we decide to spend money on SD, we spend our money on food for her. We choose not to spend money on anything else for her. We choose not to give her money."
Notice how nobody else has to agree, or think it's a good idea, for you to move forward there?
Anyway -- lots of food for thought. I'm hoping there are some "quick wins" for you and your H to decline taking responsibility for situations that aren't your responsibility. When there's less stress in your life, you two may find some room for thinking clearly about how to move forward, and what caring about SD -- really caring about her -- looks like.
What do you think? Anything sounding do-able?
