She still has feelings but yet, she wants to end it!

[Edrien]

Hi
first of all the website is so confusing for me, sorry if I'm posting in a wrong place

There was a girl who came into my life, expressed her feelings, said I am the only one for her, then ended everything just because she thought I rejected her and I have pity for her. After she suddenly broke up without any comment, I was confused, next day her father passed away. It was so overwhelming for her, I slowly realized there is something wrong with her behaviors and found out she has bpd. I studied more, talked to more people and made sure she has bpd. She told everyone we had a relation and it was over despite she was afraid anyone realizes. Recently I managed to convince her to meet in person after a long time of blocking and no contact from her. main while, she was talking to a mutual friend about trusted people and opened up about me, telling him that yeah there was a relation, I was happy and stressed at the same time, everything happened so fast, I know he will make me happy but he is arrogant and not my guy!
first of all I give her this right to proceed the reality differently but,
why when she believes it is over, she insists on it, she agrees to meet me (she asked for a third person to be present, maybe cause she acts nervous and awkward around me)
and why she always brings me into the conversations? with her friends with my friends?

I love her the way no word can be used to express it, I studied so much on this matter and I believe I may be able to calm her and convince her to get back but how can I help her stabilize her feelings?
and any tips for the meeting?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hello Edrien and welcome to the group

There is a lot on the site, for better or for worse! No worries about posting in the right place or not -- we are happy to move stuff around if needed.

That being said, am I understanding you correctly that even though she broke things off with you, you do want to be back in a relationship with her?

How long were the two of you together, originally?

How long has it been since she ended things?

...

Something really important to realize about pwBPD (persons with BPD) -- and about every human being, really -- is about this:

I believe I may be able to calm her and convince her to get back but how can I help her stabilize her feelings?

We don't have that kind of control over or reach into someone else's feelings.

A pwBPD, due to the disorder, perceives her feelings as being caused by external stuff, not as coming from inside of her (which is where all our feelings come from -- inside of us).

We do not have the power to control or change someone else's feelings, even if we have good intentions or want things to be better. People have to have inner motivation to work on and better manage their own feelings.

What will be even more helpful and healthy (no matter how things turn out) is for you to focus on yourself -- your own mental health, your own emotional management, and your own sense of self. It's not intuitive -- but not much about relating to pwBPD is.

...

As you think about what you want to do, consider checking out our workshop on Are You Supporting or Enabling?. Did anything in there resonate with you? I know I have to work hard to healthily support (versus unhealthily enable) our teenagers!

-kells76

[Edrien]

Thank you kells76 for your kind words. 

first of all I am supporting

We know each other for 4 years and things got serious for 2 months. She came forward, expressing her feelings indirectly and asked for mine, I really loved her. We even planned for marriage. everything was great until she felt rejected over an opinion from me! It wasn't a real thing you know! Her feelings went downhill and she told me we will face problems in the future, refused to meet me in person and blocked. She was so stressed even when everything was great and later she blamed me for that too. We had some short online contacts which were terrible. She is my classmate, her behaviors change when she sees me and they are so obvious they are for me, again she thinks I told everyone about our relation. recently I realized from her friends that she had lovesickness! one example, when I got to the class, she was all good and laughing but suddenly she saw me, her face expression changed to a sad mood, got silent, then after minutes she ran out of the class, vomiting!
She recently started to talk about me when she gets comfortable with people. like yeah we were in a relation if you want to know. He is really a good guy, I was happy and I know he makes me happy but he is not my guy cause he is arrogant!!!

Recently she agreed to meet me in person but suddenly she texted me that I won't see you. I asked why? She replied why you send people to talk about you and to convince me to get back?! I realized she opened up about me to a mutual friend after getting comfortable, then after that friend backed me, she felt ashamed, thought I've sent that friend and cut all contacts with that friend, even removed all the messages.

she came angry that I won't meet you, I didn't feel anything about you. I know you love me but how can we get a life together when it is a one way love?! she was full of wrong judgments whiteout trying to hear me, then blocked me on bad terms.

she is totally in her avoidant style right now (she is fearful avoidant) and has a very bad guard against me, I know she still has feelings but consciously or unconsciously she is denying everything.

how can I get her back? how can I inform her about bpd and attachment styles? I knew she is suffering from something but she didn't talk about it cause she didn't know what it is, the only thing she knew was she got a problem that it is pointless to talk about it or it is late to change!

Everybody blames me for insisting on her but I love her, If her feelings don't come back, I will accept and suffer but I don't want her to suffer for the rest of her life! with or without me I want her happiness.

[Amina]

I would like to talk about this quality "afraid no one realizes you have feelings or are together." This is the strangest quality I've encountered many facets with an emotionally unstable partner I've been involved with for 4 years.  It seems controlling, yet it was also something he was afraid his mom and brother would realize, even though I've met them, and his brother was on his way to a party we prepped at my partner's place.  It's bizarre--shhhh I didn't say schizotypal here either.

[Edrien]

Thanks Amina for your reply
afraid no one realizes you have feelings or are together

I tried to move on for 2 reasons, to regain my own mental peace, and to give her time. I'm open if she returns but you know sometimes she does things unconsciously that disturb my peace.

If I could talk to her in her calm mood, I would definitely help her find peace tp gain an insight on her situation, not just to get her back, but to help her, if she really has no feelings for me, at least to find peace and love with the next guy she meets. I don't want her to repeat this cycle over and over again... but don't know when it is time to contact her, maybe I have to wait for her, whenever she decides to contact me!

[Pook075]

everything was great until she felt rejected over an opinion from me! It wasn't a real thing you know! Her feelings went downhill and she told me we will face problems in the future, refused to meet me in person and blocked.

Hi Edrien and welcome to the site.

The part above I quoted, could you share specifics?  It's hard to give advice without understanding what happened.

For instance, what did you give your opinion on?  Why did she feel rejected?  Why would you think it wasn't a real thing (to her)?

[Edrien]

Hi and many thanks Pook075 

Well, I gave a comment on her dressing (it was and it is ok to me but I was confused that it doesn't match with what she had in her mind! In another word, it has a contrast with her mindset which arose curiosity in me!) She felt like I've rejected her! Again I didn't know she is putting a mask and is hiding her insecurities, which low self-esteem was one of them, I told her I hate weak people (which I love you so much) later o realized she thought I told her i hate you cause you are weak! You know in a normal conversation no one will perceive it this way but after her bpd or avoidant side was activated, she perceived everything wrongly based on her insecurities.

She acts so weird and gives mixed signals but I'm afraid to try to contact her. We are classmates and she always stares at me the way everyone notices. I don't how to approach her!

[Pook075]

Hi and many thanks Pook075 

Well, I gave a comment on her dressing (it was and it is ok to me but I was confused that it doesn't match with what she had in her mind! In another word, it has a contrast with her mindset which arose curiosity in me!) She felt like I've rejected her! Again I didn't know she is putting a mask and is hiding her insecurities, which low self-esteem was one of them, I told her I hate weak people (which I love you so much) later o realized she thought I told her i hate you cause you are weak! You know in a normal conversation no one will perceive it this way but after her bpd or avoidant side was activated, she perceived everything wrongly based on her insecurities.

She acts so weird and gives mixed signals but I'm afraid to try to contact her. We are classmates and she always stares at me the way everyone notices. I don't how to approach her!

Here's the thing- feelings are always 100% real and 100% correct.  If I say something that hurts someone (by accident or intentionally), then I don't get to say that they shouldn't feel hurt.  Hurt is hurt, whether it's physically or emotionally.

If you read through what you just shared with me, you're blaming her for misunderstanding you.  It hurt her and there's only one way to fix it, by apologizing humbly without any blame.  It doesn't matter how anyone else would perceive it; it matters how she perceived it.

Her "mixed signals" are probably still caring about you but also not wanting to be hurt anymore.  It's up to you to make it right, and again I'll use the word HUMBLY.  If you love that girl, then you must love all of her and accept that there will be some communication challenges.  If you blame her for misunderstandings because she thinks differently, then of course she's going to feel weak or broken.

On the flip side of that, if you say something that hurts her and show her compassion and understanding, it ultimately brings you closer.  The problem here is not that you said something dumb (I hate weak people), it's that you didn't realize she was hurt and try to make it right.  So make it right.

[Edrien]

Yeah you're right.
The problem is she is in a shutdown phase. Any form of contact will trigger her... I guess I have to wait cause I'm afraid any attempt will make ger get even more distant and at the same time I am afraid to wait till I completely lose her