help me know what to do to save this.

[stexia]

Hello,
My husband splits. Not sure if he has BPD but he is 2 different  people ans splits when he feels rejected or blamed.
We have 2 daughters.
Our marriage is almost all gone. He is in counseling but everytime he splits he wants to quit.
I have not left him longer than 2 weeks because i dont want to deal with family and friends knowing unless its a forsure ending.

How can i make myself be attacted to him and able to be intimate with him after he pushes.me away? I live in fear he will.split again and i clam.up and get aloof. Then he says i abuse him with neglect and hurt him by rejecting him.
How do i fix this cycle?  I want to fix this, i dont want to leave my husband. It was for better or worse.
How do i heal myself and not hurt him by withholding sexual.relations? Im so hurt and scared of his black and white thinking i freeze up.
I made a boudry he had to get help 2 times a week. He did that and now he wants me to be with him but I want to run!
How can i make myself stay and love him romantically?
Im a HSP, we dont have money for me to get therapy too.
But, my last lady told me i have CPTSD and that i can only heal if i am in a safe place..
My husband never hits me. Just emotionally hurts me with threats of leaving and blaming. Im all bad when he splits.
Help, how do i save this?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi stexia and welcome to the group 

It's OK not to know if someone in our life has "official" BPD or not. Even without a diagnosis or label, the real issues are the traits and behaviors. Fortunately, we can still work to improve the relationship dynamic from our end, no matter what the other person has or doesn't have.

In terms of your questions:

How can i make myself be attacted to him and able to be intimate with him after he pushes.me away?
How do i fix this cycle?
How do i heal myself and not hurt him by withholding sexual.relations?
How can i make myself stay and love him romantically?
Help, how do i save this?

there won't be a quick answer. It's likely that the two of you didn't get to this point in your relationship overnight. Even in "generally normal" relationships, the process of making real changes can take years. It's like turning around a giant ship on the ocean -- doable, but not quick. That'll be important to keep in mind.

...

Our marriage is almost all gone. He is in counseling but everytime he splits he wants to quit.

Are you saying that every time he splits, he wants to quit counseling? Or quit the marriage?

How many times has that "split / want to quit" cycle happened?

...

To stay in a relationship with a pwBPD (person with BPD) isn't easy, yet we understand that people stay for any number of reasons. What'll be so important is working on your own health, healing, and sense of self -- we can't help anyone else or make positive changes in a dynamic if we aren't in a healthy place.

Take a look at our article on "What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship" with a pwBPD; it's a good starting place to "face the facts" about the realities of a BPD relationship.

...

How long have the two of you been married? How old are your daughters?

Fill us in whenever works best for you. Glad you're here;

kells76

[stexia]

Thank you for repling to me. We have been married for 15 years. Our daughters are 9 and 15. He is high fuctioning and I truly love him and feel bad dor him. He family is so cruel. Although he has always had this problem. It rarely surfaced until....
2 years ago his father got sick and henstarted interacting with his family again. They are so dysfunctional that the therapist finally told him to cut ties because it was sontoxic it was damaging him badly. I agreed with her.
But, sadly the damage was done and he has been splitting eveerytime he feels rejected or blamed. I thought it was me moslty until i ran across a you tube video on BPD and my heart dropped because it was so much like my husband. I showed my husband and he agreed.
Our old.therapist told us she didnt know enough to help us and we needed a person trained in BPD. And C PTSD for me.

Our lives were sooo beautiful and right and now its a mess. I have self isolated and am depressed because i feel hopeless and helpless. I have no problem leaving if i knew it was help and we had a plan. But, i dont want to leave just to divorce. I want our life back! Our family loves eachother so much. When my husband is himself he is sooo sweet and fun. Dr Jeckle Mr hyde.
When he spilts he thinks the therapist is useless and wants to quit her and our marriage. Because i dont meet his needs. He can not see he plays a part in it. But then he snaps out of it after 2 or 3 days and is apologetic and ovlerly sweet. But by then i am numb and overwhelmed with emotion and unable to process everything. And i make it worse because even after 2 weeks im still stuck on fear and he just wants his wife back to normal and he gets upset again and the cycle continues.
Thank you for the link. I am reading everything on this website. lots of good info.

[once removed]

hi stexia,

whats clear is that youre in a difficult place, without a lot of resources, and i can imagine its a pretty overwhelming place to be.

the good news is that youve found support. things can start to get better.

a strong support system is probably one of the most vital things to have, when it comes to loving someone with BPD. the emotional roller coaster can be confusing, hurtful, and it can really mess with your nervous system.

since our loved ones inherently lack good coping skills and relationships skills, it can be hard to sort of steer the ship with that going on.

as kells mentioned, there are a lot of moving parts here, that didnt start over night, and wont be solved over night. its important, in this process, to have a realistic understanding of what progress can and does entail, and realistic expectations when it comes to it.

the good news there, is that it seems like a good process is in order. hes getting some help, it sounds like the two of you are (or were) together. thats not a guarantee of course, but its promising.

that he is struggling with the process, or that he threatens to quit, on some level is to be expected. as big as the difficulties in your marriage are, he has a lot going on an individual level, and those things wont get better over night. we have a thread here for parents with a child with bpd; it talks a lot about what to expect when your loved one is in therapy, and while its written for parents, most of it will apply: https://bpdfamily.com/content/support-child-therapy

He is in counseling but everytime he splits he wants to quit.

there could be an opportunity here.

what happens when he does this? lets say he comes home, and he starts telling you how much he wants to quit counseling. how do you respond? how does it play out?

[stexia]

Thank you fornthe link, ill read it!
I listen and say, "do what you think is best. But, we finally found someone that understands our situation and i hope you dont give up.
And he says something like, "like you have? What are You doing to fix it? Hu? Nothing! Because your happy its like this. Well, im done. Im sick of being hurt like this. You dont want me you just use me."

And i might say, " i hear your sad and frustrated bit im sad too. Lets talk later when your thinking more clearly."

Amd he might say, "i am thinking perfectly clear."

And me and the girls just stay away from him. He self isolates during this time. So it helps.

 I tell the girls daddy isnt himself, he loves us soo mich but, he needs time to find his way back becuase his family was unhealthy and it truamatized daddy when he was a boy and he doesnt know how to handle pain well now. Lets pray for daddy amd mommy.

[Exile]

And he says something like, "like you have? What are You doing to fix it? Hu? Nothing! Because your happy its like this. Well, im done. Im sick of being hurt like this. You dont want me you just use me."

Hi Stexia. I'm new here and I don't think I should give advice. But my wife has said that exact thing to me word for word many times. You aren't alone.