CC43 has an interesting point that I've thought about, too:
I couldn't help but wonder if your spouse is projecting. I've observed frequent projecting by the person with BPD in my life. She projects because she interprets the world through a lens that is intensely colored by her current preoccupations and thought patterns. Her projections, which are often accusations, give me a glimpse into the thoughts that are consuming her.
I sometimes wonder if pwBPD struggle with what I call "misattribution of causality". It's like they can rightly identify "there is sadness going on between us", or "there is yelling happening", or "we are both here and someone is feeling depressed", but they can't pinpoint that
they are actually the ones who are sad, or yelling, or depressed. And it's too weird for a feeling to be happening without a do-er, so they, in order to make sense of life, put it on you: "There is disappointment going on, but because I lack a sense of self, I can't identify that it's coming from inside of me. You're here -- so
you must be disappointed about me".
And like CC43 mentioned, so much of what pwBPD think, feel, say, and do are based not on "us doing it right" but on an intense preoccupation with wildly varying, quickly changing internal states.
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Another thought that comes to my mind is that in reading back through some older posts on the site, I came across a speculation that pwBPD "telescope" their emotions through time. That is to say -- if
right now a pwBPD feels depressed about life/relationships, then "he has always felt like it was a sham marriage", "we were never good together", "I don't know if I ever really loved you", "I've always let you down", that kind of thing, applied to the past. And -- "we'll never be able to fix our marriage", "counseling won't help us", "I can never bring you joy", "things aren't going to get better" -- application to the future.
It's taking the wildly varying feeling of the immediate moment, and projecting (well, "projecting") it back into the past, and forward into the future. So maybe take his proclamations that "I can never bring you joy" as less a statement of how things really are/can be, and more a reflection of how he felt in that moment.
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I think you're right that his feelings don't feel validated. I will try to be extra mindful of that going forward.
Ironically, I have felt that way before. If I ever tell him about a problem, he tells me I shouldn't feel that way. And again, you're right...it feels hurtful! Thankfully, I'm able to ground myself and let it go. But I don't think he's able to see through his feelings and recognize that maybe it's a false narrative he's telling himself.
Yeah, I think that's just the disorder in a nutshell there. "Generally normal" people are able to self-validate and self-soothe. I had to do it today -- I sent a job to the shared copier, and then I expected to be able to go there and print my stuff off right away. Busy day! Instead, someone else was there, throwing off my schedule. I felt my annoyance rise to a 2 or 3/10 and then was able to self-validate/self-soothe: "That sucks, I wanted to get my stuff quickly. Well, that kind of thing happens".
Like you said, he isn't able to do that -- he will struggle with having insight into where his feelings come from and what factual things are (or aren't) connected with his feelings. "Feelings are facts" to him. That's a feature of the disorder, not an anomaly. It's sad to see, though.
To me, his feelings are about his insecurities in our marriage, or any relationship for that matter. Whenever he gets close to someone (me or anyone), he starts questioning everything they say or do and then he feels hurt...whether they've done anything unkind or not. He left last Christmas because he said he felt "invisible" when he was with the family. We all felt like we'd bent over backward to make him not feel that way. But it doesn't help. That's not his reality. And I hate to keep telling the family to be mindful of how they are interacting with him because I don't want them to have to feel like they're walking on eggshells. It's totally frustrating.
As counterintuitive as it sounds, what if you stopped suggesting to family how to treat him? That may have been putting you in the "rescuer" role of "I have to smooth things over between him and them".
It's hard to validate his feelings when he won't listen or believe us. It's almost like he wants to wallow in his sorrow of thinking people just don't "get" him.
Fortunately, whether validation is a good idea or not isn't dependent on how he responds to validation.
Validation is about how you can positively and safely connect with a pwBPD. You two are married -- we want to connect in a marriage. "Generally normal" ways of connecting might not always be effective, but without a connection, you have two people living in silos parallel to each other.
True emotional validation is about you finding a moment to connect with him on a feelings level. It doesn't have to be your only tool or move -- it can be really freeing to know that you don't have to keep hammering on validation until he feels OK and isn't wallowing in sorrow.
He might choose to keep feeling his feelings even after you've tried positive connection with him. He is allowed to do that (even if it seems like a bad choice)... and you're allowed to then take a break, step away, and not have the responsibility to change how he feels.
Maybe it could look like this:
Him: I let you down every Valentine's Day. I'm a loser -- I can never make you happy. Why do we try?
You: (emotional validation) Oh babe, that would feel awful to feel like you couldn't make me happy!
[notice that you aren't agreeing with his "fact" of "never making you happy". You aren't trying to persuade him otherwise, cheer him up, convince him, or "put a positive spin on it". You're just saying that it would suck to feel that way!]
Him: It doesn't matter. I'll always feel this bad.
You: That's no fun. I do hope things go better for you. I'm going to take a walk, I'll be back in a bit.
[again, notice you try one more attempt at validation ("that's no fun") but you don't have to keep at it if he's choosing to stay in a sad place. He gets to choose that -- you get to choose to decline to stay in a sad place with him, and you get to decline to take on the responsibility of "making him feel ok"]
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The end of that second example -- you taking a walk -- is an example of a true boundary, one you have 100% control over.
Have you had a chance yet to look over our
boundaries workshops?
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I know this is a lot, and I think I might have cross-posted with you, so I'll pause for now
