Ex BPD Girlfriend- abuse, cheating and now recovery (2.5 years)

[CaptainSilly]

Hey all,

So I stumbled upon this forum as it seems to be a bit of a niche site where I can let out all the details of my story and seems to also be a place of support.

Here it goes....

Over the course of the last 2.5 years, I have been involved with a BPD woman. She was incredibly seductive to me in many ways. We were interested in the same things, seemingly cared about the same issues, wanted the same things in life, and she was attractive. She came from a similar type of family dynamic as I did, and we had great sex.

I started to fall in love with this woman, over the course of 6-7 months. At about 9 months of dating, her (unstable) ex partner, (whom they had a shared custody of their daughter with), threatened to be violent with her. She exclaimed that she needed a place to stay, and of course, I attempted to help this newly found love of my life.

I became smitten with her, her daughter and with the idea that we would be starting a wonderful and beautiful blended family. I, being a widower myself and still relatively young (31) wanted to have a new life partner. I thought that her coming into my life, and even despite her ex being erratic meant a new beginning for the both of us.

2 months later, at a public exchange of custody with her daughter, her ex started acting incredibly antagonistic to me, bragging about how he had been having sex with my partner and that it would continue to happen. Thinking that this was just an ongoing mirage of lies and deceit, I didnt pay it any mind. He constantly sent her threatening messages, bragged about how he was sleeping with other people, getting more and more weird...etc. Eventually after the third time of this happening in public, I confronted him and exclaimed that he would need to provide evidence....well....he did.

She then went into an all out psychological breakdown. Threatening to kill herself, attempting to do so, becoming violent with me, and going all out unstable. This behavior continued for months. We attempted to work things out, but she became more and more unstable. She even faked a pregnancy, showcasing a fake sonogram she got and I looked at. She worked at a hospital and was able to get one made from the machine with her name on it!!

I eventually had to file a restraining order on her in an attempt to get her to stop. She eventually "stabilized" and we attempted to work things out. It was super up and down as you might imagine, she eventually lost custody of her daughter because of her inability to keep herself stable or productive.

I helped her establish herself in her career, I helped her buy a car, I helped her with dates/vacations....you name it. It was an incredibly trying and sad time. One night, after her going out drinking with friends, she came home and became psychically violent against me. She put holes in my walls, hit me in the mouth, destroyed paintings, etc. Even still, I kept trying to make things work. She would remain erratic with us going on again and off again for a period of 6-8 months. She would lie, steal and threaten to make my life worse. All the while, I stayed and attempted to get her help.

Eventually, after one of her chaotic episodes, this time directed at one of her friends, the friend told me she had cheated on me....again (most likely more). I confronted her on this, and she told me that it was manipulation and a threat to make things worse between us. That it was an insult to her that I would even question her on this.

Despite that, I reached out to the guy in question....he responded. He affirmed that it was true.

She then went into another manic episode, causing deep pain with hurtful words and threats of suicide and self harm actions. She broke things in her apartment and threatened to call my job as a result of me not helping her.

I got yet another restraining order. I exclaimed to the police that she had been diagnosed with BPD and that we attempted to make things worse, but that she remained erratic and unstable so I needed my safety and distance.

She continued to use her upbringing, her race (being American black/African American), her appearance, her job (in the mental health field!!) and her background as the reason why these things were happening. She also would exclaim that it was me not loving her or supporting her enough to see what pain she was going through.

Eventually she stopped contacting me about 6 weeks ago, because the police finally responded to one of my attempts to showcase how she had violated the restraining order that I have on her. I have now been separated from her for over 3 months. It didnt seem to matter that while I being a male, needed protection against someone with this behavior.

Even after all of this I still miss the push and pull and the toxicity of this relationship in some ways. I miss the intensity of our sex and the intimacy of the story I thought we had been sharing. I thought that this person, after receiving treatment would awaken from the nightmare that she had been living and also forcing me to endure. BPD, if left untreated can wreak havoc for so many people, including those with the diagnosis.

It has taken me over 2.5 years to realize that no matter what you do, you should not attempt to change the reality of what this diagnosis means, even if you love a person. I have realized that although I still love this person, I deserve tremendously better than what they have shown me.

As that one quote goes on to say..."Believe people when they tell you who they are...it will be shown in their actions"

Do any of you have advice on resources to use for recovery after a breakup with a pwBPD? I have been in therapy for over 6 months now, and have been separated for about 4 months. I am most likely only nearing the 30-40% mark of my recovery and would love to seek advice from others on/in this journey. 

[Pook075]

Do any of you have advice on resources to use for recovery after a breakup with a pwBPD? I have been in therapy for over 6 months now, and have been separated for about 4 months. I am most likely only nearing the 30-40% mark of my recovery and would love to seek advice from others on/in this journey. 

Hello Silly and welcome- thanks for sharing your story!  Unfortunately, it is not unique and you'll find eerily similar stories told here thousands of times over.  Yet somehow there's comfort knowing that we're not the only ones dealing with this.

In my case, I was married for 24 years...mostly good...and my wife simply walked away.  Within a week, I was getting the same fireworks you are and I was completely perplexed. 

In terms of recovery, there were a few things that really helped me.

#1, this was not my fault and if I'm being honest, it wasn't completely my wife's fault either.  She was broken and empty inside from years of feeling depressed, and she simply couldn't bear the thought of being vulnerable to me.  So she blew everything up and ran.

#1a, the fault lies with mental illness and how people w/ BPD process thoughts.  When they're off, everything is emotion-based and they don't make logical decisions.  Your gal had problems from long before you ever met her that keep her up at night, and that mental state of never feeling like she's enough is why she cheated, became violent, etc.  Her desire for any type of validation was sending her emotions into overdrive.

#2, I'll repeat #1...this was not your fault and it had nothing to do with you.  You're thinking about this logically....you were a good guy and helped her a ton, how could she not see that?  She's looking at this emotionally and thinking something along the lines of you not being able to meet her emotional needs...the same way nobody else can meet her emotional needs.  This is a "her thing", not a "you thing."

#3, my healing path was started with me...what's best for my life.  I got in the gym, went to church more, went on hiking trips, volunteered at a few places, and caught up with old friends and family.  I also started eating better and really focusing on what I want in life until I actually believed and accepted that I could stand on my own two feet outside the marriage.  I absolutely "faked it till I made it" for the first few months, but eventually it became real.

#4, let's go back to 1a.  Around the five month mark, I was furious at my wife for betraying me.  I was mad at time earlier but eventually a rage built inside that I didn't know I had.  And I carried that for several weeks, badmouthing her to anyone who would listen.  It felt good, it felt right...but it wasn't true.  My wife wasn't a monster, she was simply sick and made some really bad choices.  My anger changed to compassion and I was about 90% healed.

#5, Maybe around the 8 or 9 month mark, I started being genuinely honest with myself.  The marriage was bad for awhile, and my wife hadn't loved me for me in quite a long time.  Again, she was sick and suffering, so I no longer fault her.  She did the best she could when the rest of the world no longer made sense.  It finally clicked that I was better off without her and I was about 97% healed.

#6, let's go back to #3.  By the 1 year mark, I was no longer faking it until I made it.  I was back in my own groove, cooking meals for myself daily and waking up looking forward to each day.  I genuinely smiled when nobody was looking because the pain was gone and I was back to being an optimist, excited for the next chapter of my life.  I was 99% healed.

#7, I divorce next week after 18 months of being apart.  Her and I have become friends again and I have no desire to go back to the chaos that we had.  After 18 months I'm probably 99.7% healed.  There's still the tiniest bit of me that would love for her to have a change of heart and try to reconcile, and I feel secure being honest about that.  Maybe I lose the remaining .3% next week...or next year...but it's not enough to ruin a moment of my day anyway.

Please feel free to ask any specific questions you may have and others will chime in soon enough.  Again, I'm so sorry for what you've been through, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.  It just takes time.

[SinisterComplex]

Hey all,

So I stumbled upon this forum as it seems to be a bit of a niche site where I can let out all the details of my story and seems to also be a place of support.

Here it goes....

Over the course of the last 2.5 years, I have been involved with a BPD woman. She was incredibly seductive to me in many ways. We were interested in the same things, seemingly cared about the same issues, wanted the same things in life, and she was attractive. She came from a similar type of family dynamic as I did, and we had great sex.

I started to fall in love with this woman, over the course of 6-7 months. At about 9 months of dating, her (unstable) ex partner, (whom they had a shared custody of their daughter with), threatened to be violent with her. She exclaimed that she needed a place to stay, and of course, I attempted to help this newly found love of my life.

I became smitten with her, her daughter and with the idea that we would be starting a wonderful and beautiful blended family. I, being a widower myself and still relatively young (31) wanted to have a new life partner. I thought that her coming into my life, and even despite her ex being erratic meant a new beginning for the both of us.

2 months later, at a public exchange of custody with her daughter, her ex started acting incredibly antagonistic to me, bragging about how he had been having sex with my partner and that it would continue to happen. Thinking that this was just an ongoing mirage of lies and deceit, I didnt pay it any mind. He constantly sent her threatening messages, bragged about how he was sleeping with other people, getting more and more weird...etc. Eventually after the third time of this happening in public, I confronted him and exclaimed that he would need to provide evidence....well....he did.

She then went into an all out psychological breakdown. Threatening to kill herself, attempting to do so, becoming violent with me, and going all out unstable. This behavior continued for months. We attempted to work things out, but she became more and more unstable. She even faked a pregnancy, showcasing a fake sonogram she got and I looked at. She worked at a hospital and was able to get one made from the machine with her name on it!!

I eventually had to file a restraining order on her in an attempt to get her to stop. She eventually "stabilized" and we attempted to work things out. It was super up and down as you might imagine, she eventually lost custody of her daughter because of her inability to keep herself stable or productive.

I helped her establish herself in her career, I helped her buy a car, I helped her with dates/vacations....you name it. It was an incredibly trying and sad time. One night, after her going out drinking with friends, she came home and became psychically violent against me. She put holes in my walls, hit me in the mouth, destroyed paintings, etc. Even still, I kept trying to make things work. She would remain erratic with us going on again and off again for a period of 6-8 months. She would lie, steal and threaten to make my life worse. All the while, I stayed and attempted to get her help.

Eventually, after one of her chaotic episodes, this time directed at one of her friends, the friend told me she had cheated on me....again (most likely more). I confronted her on this, and she told me that it was manipulation and a threat to make things worse between us. That it was an insult to her that I would even question her on this.

Despite that, I reached out to the guy in question....he responded. He affirmed that it was true.

She then went into another manic episode, causing deep pain with hurtful words and threats of suicide and self harm actions. She broke things in her apartment and threatened to call my job as a result of me not helping her.

I got yet another restraining order. I exclaimed to the police that she had been diagnosed with BPD and that we attempted to make things worse, but that she remained erratic and unstable so I needed my safety and distance.

She continued to use her upbringing, her race (being American black/African American), her appearance, her job (in the mental health field!!) and her background as the reason why these things were happening. She also would exclaim that it was me not loving her or supporting her enough to see what pain she was going through.

Eventually she stopped contacting me about 6 weeks ago, because the police finally responded to one of my attempts to showcase how she had violated the restraining order that I have on her. I have now been separated from her for over 3 months. It didnt seem to matter that while I being a male, needed protection against someone with this behavior.

Even after all of this I still miss the push and pull and the toxicity of this relationship in some ways. I miss the intensity of our sex and the intimacy of the story I thought we had been sharing. I thought that this person, after receiving treatment would awaken from the nightmare that she had been living and also forcing me to endure. BPD, if left untreated can wreak havoc for so many people, including those with the diagnosis.

It has taken me over 2.5 years to realize that no matter what you do, you should not attempt to change the reality of what this diagnosis means, even if you love a person. I have realized that although I still love this person, I deserve tremendously better than what they have shown me.

As that one quote goes on to say..."Believe people when they tell you who they are...it will be shown in their actions"

Do any of you have advice on resources to use for recovery after a breakup with a pwBPD? I have been in therapy for over 6 months now, and have been separated for about 4 months. I am most likely only nearing the 30-40% mark of my recovery and would love to seek advice from others on/in this journey. 

"Even after all of this I still miss the push and pull and the toxicity of this relationship in some ways."- So why do you feel this is? What do you mean by in some ways? Could you elaborate a little further for us?

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[CaptainSilly]

@SC

"So why do you feel this is? What do you mean by in some ways? Could you elaborate a little further for us?"

For me, I miss the opportunity to have someone, if in this chaos to have a connection with. Someone to "write home to", who seemingly provides me comfort when I need it or want it. I know this is a falsehood, and the striking part for me...is that in my darkest and most vulnerable moments, I trick myself into believing that I would take this abuse again, just to, have it.

Now that I am separated from it, part of me misses the chaos....because at least I had something.


Now dont get me wrong, I dont miss a single moment of having to call the cops, of having to hide my relationship with this person from my family, of feeling completely a shell of myself while I am with her, or feeling like the entire world will explode in any moment. I dont miss the constant panic of that.....but I do miss having something and someone.


That is the part that therapy is helping with, but like I said, in my weak moments, I miss her. Today for instance, is her birthday. Something I would always try to keep in front, as this was, and this will come as a shock to no one on this thread, a very big deal and a very big day for her.
Any chance for her to feel validation or receive attention, she enjoyed. It just wrecks me that she can carry on without ever having to face any consequences of her actions. And I am left with all of this.

Hopefully some of this rambling is making sense. Thank you for responding.

[SinisterComplex]

@SC

"So why do you feel this is? What do you mean by in some ways? Could you elaborate a little further for us?"

For me, I miss the opportunity to have someone, if in this chaos to have a connection with. Someone to "write home to", who seemingly provides me comfort when I need it or want it. I know this is a falsehood, and the striking part for me...is that in my darkest and most vulnerable moments, I trick myself into believing that I would take this abuse again, just to, have it.

Now that I am separated from it, part of me misses the chaos....because at least I had something.


Now dont get me wrong, I dont miss a single moment of having to call the cops, of having to hide my relationship with this person from my family, of feeling completely a shell of myself while I am with her, or feeling like the entire world will explode in any moment. I dont miss the constant panic of that.....but I do miss having something and someone.


That is the part that therapy is helping with, but like I said, in my weak moments, I miss her. Today for instance, is her birthday. Something I would always try to keep in front, as this was, and this will come as a shock to no one on this thread, a very big deal and a very big day for her.
Any chance for her to feel validation or receive attention, she enjoyed. It just wrecks me that she can carry on without ever having to face any consequences of her actions. And I am left with all of this.

Hopefully some of this rambling is making sense. Thank you for responding.

Just jumping in for a quick second...none of this is rambling and you are making perfect sense. I myself understand and get it just the same as most of us here. Don't judge yourself harshly...share freely and get it out my friend. This is certainly a safe landing spot.

I'll check back in again in and respond to your actual response, but wanted to offer up some support and provide a little bit of reinforcement. We are always paying attention and we see you and hear you. 

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[CaptainSilly]

I slipped yesterday and reached back out to her.

I got drunk by myself and was lonely, and I tried calling and emailing. I didnt get a response. I wish I wasnt always thinking about her.

It tends to happen after every period of separation. I know should not be seeking her, but all I keep thinking about is our time together. Its like I know I will be jumping back into the fire, but I cant help but jump.

[Anonymous_male]

Hey CaptainSilly,

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. Please don’t blame yourself for doing what you did here. I have been there too. It is a very difficult situation!

It’s just crazy how we can become so attached to someone who hurt us so much right? This article is really good and helped me in terms of understanding why we get to be so infatuated by them. Hope it helps you too.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

PS. Since she didn’t reply, there is still some time to maybe take a different path. Please do some careful thinking on what you want to do here.

Take care