I believe my son's partner has BPD

[HardyVine]

Hello

First, thank you for this forum. Much gratitude.

I decided to reach out here rather than fretting by myself. I do feel grateful that my other family members have also experienced mistrust and a dawning realization that my  adult son's partner of 16 months has behaviors which threaten our son's happiness and our relationship with him.

So far his partner has lied to him about interactions each one of us have had with her and in every case the lies cast us in a bad light - such that my son felt the need to speak to each of us about our perceived negative behaviors. It is not easy to relay what is going on because she is very clever - in all instances the situations actually took place but the contents of the conversations were twisted or did not happen at all. The other thing she does is to say things to me when we are alone like - "I see you as a mother I never had" or "I want to encourage a good relationship between mother and son" or "I want you to teach me all your food recipes that he likes" and such - but then she proceeds to relay all sorts of things to him about the conversations that she and I had where I triggered her. You know, stuff that makes you shake your head! like what?!

Another important feature of this young woman is her claims of childhood sexual abuse she endured from her mother and her boyfriend, sexual abuse from a prior one year marriage and other instances of transgressions against her that she relays in great detail and without prompting. At first I was sympathetic when she spoke about these things ( I, myself, am a survivor of childhood abuse) but at some point my spidey sense started telling me that she was lying. It was when I reflected on my own fragility regarding sharing my history with others, as well as other friends who have suffered abuse, that I realized that it is rare for someone to share such intimate suffering with people you hardly know. As well, she uses her tales of abuse to hijack the conversation so it revolves around her. I am sensitive to the reality that victims of abuse are often not believed - but in her case I actually feel she uses this very sensitivity to control the narrative. I realize that it is also likely that she indeed has suffered abuse or at the very least her motivations to harm may not be conscious on her part. But this doesn't take away from the fact that she is trying to isolate my son from his family and friends and is actively nurturing their codependent relationship. And I also have to acknowledge that my son chose to proceed in this relationship.

She moved in with my son very soon after they met. He lives a far distance from me and so often our exchanges take place on the phone. Ever since he met her almost every conversation I have had with him he has his phone on "speaker" and she is either listening or part of the conversation.

They share music in common and now play gigs together,  and also he seems to have willingly chosen to be with her and I am sure he would say he is in love with her. I was genuinely happy for him when his relationship began with her and have really striven to welcome her in my home when they visited and be a good guest when I visited them.

To a certain extant I realize that I can't really say anything to him about her that he would be willing to hear and that I need to resign myself to the fact that I can't protect him from the suffering that I anticipate he will endure in this relationship. My relationship with my son is not without some friction, but overall we respect, love and enjoy spending time with each other when we get a chance. That also goes for his relationship with his sister and with his father.

I have not said anything to him directly regarding her deceptions because I feel this would drive a wedge between us. His sister and father, with whom I have spoken and we are all on the same page - we all feel that we need to maintain our contact with him as best we can so he is not isolated from us. But I find it hard. I resist calling him and I pretty much know that I can't be a guest in his home anymore. In general I find it hard not to "call a spade a spade" and I feel that at some point I am going to air my feelings because I feel terrible knowing that she is crafting stories for him about people in his life that are not true. I am also fairly certain that she has relayed things to me that he has said that are not true.

In regard to whether she suffers from borderline personality disorder. I am not a medical professional capable of making that diagnosis. The ex of another family member was diagnosed with bpd, and I was unfortunate to have felt the ramifications of their behavior and so this is why I am pretty sure this is her struggle.

Any advice with how to cope/proceed would be much appreciated.

Thanks for this opportunity to share

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

I decided to reach out here rather than fretting by myself.

I'm glad! It's a lot to try and sort through these baffling and harmful behaviors without support.

So far his partner has lied to him about interactions each one of us have had with her and in every case the lies cast us in a bad light - such that my son felt the need to speak to each of us about our perceived negative behaviors. It is not easy to relay what is going on because she is very clever - in all instances the situations actually took place but the contents of the conversations were twisted or did not happen at all.

Your son probably knows this or is catching on. After 16 months dating her he's likely been on the receiving end of the same thing 

More likely he's now in a loyalty bind and trying to run interference to appease her. Every time she says HardyVine said x, and he chooses her, he's passing a test.

One time I let SD26 know I left cash on the kitchen counter so she could grab dinner or order to-go. I was going to be on campus working late and wouldn't be home to cook. She texted H that I didn't want her in the house.

Another time, coming into the kitchen when she was there with her BF (two socially awkward people), I asked if they had plans for new year's (that night). Later this became "LnL was asking prying questions about our sex life and it made me uncomfortable."

To a certain extant I realize that I can't really say anything to him about her that he would be willing to hear and that I need to resign myself to the fact that I can't protect him from the suffering that I anticipate he will endure in this relationship.

That's both wise and heart-breaking to hear.

How does the rest of the family interact with him? Do they experience something similar?

I have not said anything to him directly regarding her deceptions because I feel this would drive a wedge between us.

How do you engage with her when he asks you to address her (deceptive) comments?

I am also fairly certain that she has relayed things to me that he has said that are not true.

The details of those things could provide some insight into what's going on for her and how she's perceiving reality (about him). There's a lot of projection likely going on.

[CopperLeaves]

Hello,

I just wanted to acknowledge your post and offer virtual support. I'm sorry you are going through this. It must be so hard for you. I'm on the other side - the parent of the pwBPD (DD24), and am seeing her tighten her grip on her partner. It is mostly through being in victim status and 'needing' him all the time so he feels he can't work or have a life of his own. She does many of the things you described with conversations etc.

It is now starting to trickle into his family and she is threatening to cut his mum off (or implying - everyone seems to 'know') from her son if she communicates with me. Do you have contact with her parents at all? Are they aware of her BPD traits?

As the mother, I would welcome talking with the in-laws whose son is being affected, as I know the pain climbs the family tree.

Wishing you all the best, and keep talking if you can.
Copper x

[Hopeful15]

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through with your son and his partner.
It's a very familiar story because my husband and I have been going through the same thing for almost a decade now.
I have written my complete story on this forum and received some very good advice.
Back when the problems started happening with our son and his girlfriend, my first impulse was to call a spade a spade,  as you mentioned, because I believe in being honest but I held back. Then things got very bad and about a month before their wedding, we got a call from the police that his girlfriend reported him missing and apparently, our son was contemplating suicide. We learned he was ok and returned home to his girlfriend but he wouldn't return our calls -just texted to say he was ok. We were so concerned we just went over to their house and knocked on the door. They let us in but they were quite hostile and weren't happy that we came unannounced. Things really went downhill and I said some regrettable things -mostly to my son because I knew his girlfriend was sensitive... in any case, that was the beginning of the end. It was 2017 and we've maybe seen them 5 times since then. They moved 1000 miles away from the city we live in without telling us until they got there. They live on an island, and our son has no contact with family or friends - they have completely isolated themselves.
Any time our son makes contact (always email) he is full of blame - he has a whole new narrative about his life growing up and says he wants to have his family back but we have to prove to his wife that we have changed. We have written apology emails but they never hit the mark.
My advice to you is to say as little as possible - just to avoid giving them a reason to shut you out. Try to maintain the small amount of contact you have now.  I would love to be able to just catch up with my son on a call now and then but he won't do it and I can't help but wonder if things would be different if I would have kept my thoughts to myself

[DigitalSanity]

Hi, I have been through the same, but as the "son" with a BPD girlfriend.

I have a very good relationship with my parents and once I started dating my girlfriend, I didn't think there would be any issues. She was especially fond of my mother and they would shower each other with gifts. However, in private, she was increasingly controlling me and jealous of my relationship with my mother (she didn't seem to really care about my father).

I became a shell of my former self, trying to please her in every way but nothing ever worked or was ever enough. I couldn't talk to some friends because they were "triggers" and whenever I talked to my parents she "felt rejected".

She had some sort of crisis when we were all together and became increasingly erratic. She would pick fights in every opportunity she had, with everyone. At some point, she told me she tried to talk to my parents but they weren't receptive. I later learned from them that she didn't say anything besides a negative remark about me. This made me question everything she has ever said.

When I broke up with her, she smeared me to my parents and told them my deepest secrets.

I know for sure I am trauma bonded. She got me addicted to her, probably from her push-pull and love bombing. My self-esteem, which was already low, is at its lowest. I still need to do a lot of reality checking on what happened and I still question if I'm the "bad guy".