Update

[BillyB13]

Hi all, I haven’t posted for a while and was desperately searching for my old thread, but no luck. I was posting around December after a 4 month relationship with my BPD ex girlfriend broke up. It got quite messy and she threatened police and HR at work (we work at the same company). So I want to provide an update and a quick recap of what happened. My overall goal has not changed - I want my girlfriend back. Any advice, guidance or clarity to my situation is so welcome.

Me and… let’s call her O got together in July, it was the second time I had asked her out, the first time she had declined as we are work colleagues. Anyway really intense 4 month relationship, both fell in love exceptionally quick, seemed perfect.

O was going on a trip to Australia for a few weeks with a big gang of people from the UK. One person, let’s call him J kept messaging O before the trip. Things like “my Australia girlfriend” and general other flirty messages. They had been in a talking stage before but it never materialised. I got quite upset about J’s behaviour and asked O to block him. She said she wouldn’t as she had to be civil as they were going on the same trip. This caused friction between us. Anyway 4 days before she was due to come back she text me from Australia and told me it was over. She told me to move all my stuff out before she was back but we could be friends. She said she had feelings for J.

We tried at being friends for a while, but it didn’t work. I desperately wanted her back and I called and text her far too much, and she said she felt harassed. Now I agree she has a very valid point, I regret this. She said I had emotionally and mentally abused her. I had asked if she was pursuing a relationship with J, or whether we can get back together. She said she didn’t know and was going to “follow her feelings” but “didn’t see us getting back together”. After to much begging and pleading from me she blocked me on every format and told me she would call the police if I contacted her again.

I had some time off work with depression and didn’t speak to O for a while, I couldn’t if I wanted to. About 2 weeks in she approached my best friend at work and asked how I was. He told her I wasn’t very well. She then told him that she had no feelings for me left and if I rang or text her ever again she was going to the police. My friend rang me up to tell me. This was 9th of December.

On the 28th December I had a text from O, she had said that she wants me to get better and she cannot understand why I am so heartbroken as it was only a short relationship. We text a bit that night, and she told me that my grandmother had rang her and asked her to message me as she was worried about me. At the end of the conversation O said she was blocking me again but she wished that I got better.

29th December my head was spinning from the previous days conversation. I had a moment of madness and called her from a withheld line. O answered and when she heard it was me was extremely angry. She messaged my grandmother to say she was scared to be in her flat alone, that I needed sectioning and she was going to the police. I want to add here I had never ever followed her or gone to her flat or anything remotely close to stalking her. It was one call from a withheld.

From that day onwards I didn’t speak to O. I went back to work in the new year and worked my arse off. I went to the gym every day and started trying to date again, but my head wasn’t in it.

One day in early Feb, O smiled at me as I walked past… this was a first. Later that day I held a door open for her and she said thank you. Small things but steps in the right direction definitely. I was quite happy to know we could be civil.

Then… bang! The next day. O messaged me and said she wanted to meet after work to update me on some things. I was so pleased, but didn’t want to cave immediately so ignored the message. An hour later I received more messages saying if I did not want to meet she was going to text me what she wanted to say. I ignored these to. I then received the worst message I had ever got. It told me how she went to police in December, how they wanted to arrest me but she asked them not to. She was to scared of court. How she had 4 counts against me and how I will go to jail. She said I had been hanging around where she was at work and speaking to her friends more than normal. Both completely untrue. She also weirdly informed me in this message that she had been dating someone else for months. I was shocked. She rang me after that message and she was raging, told me she would get me locked up and I would never speak to her again.

I rang HR and sent them the messages and I also went to the local police station to show the police the messages. I didn’t want to get her in trouble, but wanted to protect myself. HR spoke to her on Monday, and she said “I just want it all to be over” which I said I agree. HR told her that I do work here too and I also have to have access the communal areas. If she feels uncomfortable she can sit elsewhere. This hit me so hard I was off work with depression again.

The police rang me back the next day and told me O had seen them in December, but the case was closed. They couldn’t clarify if they closed the case or her.

So I spent another week off sick and then went back to work. On Valentine’s Day I was sat in the work cafeteria eating lunch with my friends, she was sat quite far away with hers. Nothing was going on. Then I overheard a conversation about what she was going for Valentine’s Day, talking all about her new pilot boyfriend, asking advice what to wear out and what to buy him for Valentine’s Day. I must defend her here, I don’t think she thought I could hear, but I did hear and I nearly threw up there and then.

Again my depression hit and I have been off work for a couple of days.

A couple of things to add here:

I had booked us a holiday to Rome for the end of this month. She asked to buy this holiday off me back in December, I ignored the message. I then got told by a friend that she has booked to go to Rome on the same dates we were going (her birthday). I do not know who she’s going with.

Throughout December my 9 year old son and her would talk over TikTok. I monitored these conversations but did not stop them until January. They were harmless.

She spoke to my grandparents over Xmas and wished them a good Xmas.

The reason I list these 3 points is, if she is so scared of me and feeling so stalked and harassed, would she have done any of the 3 things above?

 Although the pain she has caused me is massive, I really do want her back in my life. I am currently blocked on every format and have the threat of the police looking over me. Any advice? Can anyone make sense of this? Why did she message me after a month of no contact to tell me about the police and a new partner? That confused me, she could have just kept silent.

Thanks in advance.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[BillyB13]

Sorry wanted to add a few key points. Apologies I know it is already a lengthy Post.

Back in December when we spoke over a few messages she told me that I had threatened suicide when we broke up. This never happened. I never ever threatened suicide.

We had moved in together after a month, in one of my messages I said “you used to love living with me” she replied saying “we never lived together you just kept moving your stuff in without asking”. Again not true, I have messages showing her asking me to move in.

She also said that I wanted her to be my son’s mother. I had never said anything close to this. She used to tell me she wanted to take my son on holiday and planned trips for him. Lovely thing to do, but she chose to do this, I didn’t force her.

She told me her previous boyfriend had been abusive, beat her, raped her and threatened suicide. The previous boyfriend before that had cheated on her. I don’t know if this is true or not. Just some added bits of information.

She also said I had “slagged off” all of her friends, this means badmouthing her friends for those who don’t know. I hadn’t done this.

Does some of this sound like fear of engulfment?

[BillyB13]

Anyone got any insight?

[kells76]

Hi BillyB13;

What strikes me about your situation is the overall intensity -- lots of extreme feelings, emotions, situations, texts, threats, desires, etc in the relationship dynamic. That is to say -- the relationship is between two persons, and without saying "well this person contributed 97% of the intensity and this person contributed 3%", I think I am saying that whatever the contributions, both of you have contributed, in your own ways, to the dynamic as it was.

Does that seem reasonable -- without focusing on "who did what", that yes, both of you contributed to the way the relationship was?

There was something about that dynamic that wasn't sustainable. Things fell apart -- it didn't work out.

Some factors might be easy to pinpoint: OK, police involvement in a relationship was a variable. Other factors will take more digging to uncover; this board is a good place to do that digging.

Why I bring this up is that if you are interested in being in a relationship with her again, going back to how it was seems like a recipe for repeating the past. For things to have a chance at going differently, there need to be changes. "Nothing changes without changes". And because you're the only person you have control over, and because you're the one here at BPDfamily.com (not her), that means that a lot of the changes will need to come from you working on (and with) yourself.

There may be times where we discuss her behavior or talk about why she may have done something -- but that's a dead end without your work on yourself.

There aren't any guarantees, either. You're definitely at a disadvantage right now as it sounds like she's in another relationship (did I get that right?) I've heard it said here that trying to chase, persuade, or convince her to be with you, when she's with someone else, is not effective -- you have to let that relationship run its course. After that, she may or may not be interested in you -- time will tell.

Working on yourself during this time is important, and the only thing you can control.

...

What were some things about you that you think attracted her to you, when you got together? I don't mean unhealthy dynamic stuff like "I always said yes to her and was her biggest supporter" -- more like, was there a hobby you were doing, did you play a musical instrument, were there healthy interests you had, did you cook/bake, go out and listen to music...?

Get back in touch with yourself. What made you an attractive, interesting (not desperate) person? Can you enjoy those things for yourself, no matter if she joins in or not?

...

I guess if I were to put all that in a nutshell, it might be -- you're coming out of a high intensity relationship dynamic with a lot of unhealthy aspects to it. Focusing on getting right back into that seems to be a path leading to the same destination. It's in your control (because you're the only person you can control ) to make changes in yourself -- which will inherently change a relationship dynamic, no matter what she does or doesn't do. Turn the spotlight off of her for a bit. Learn about yourself. What do you enjoy, what do you do well? And -- next steps -- how did you contribute to the intense dynamic that fell apart, and how can you work on that for the future, whether she's in it or not?

...

Lots to digest -- any of that seem on target, or is it feeling off base right now?

[BillyB13]

Hi Kells, nice to speak to you again. Hope you had a good Xmas and new year.

You are very correct to say the relationship was intense. We got together quickly and moved in with each other very quickly.

We seemed to be doing okay until she went on holiday for 3 weeks. She had video messaged me 2 days before the split telling me she loved me. Then broke up with me via text. It shocked me.

The police was also a shock, I admit I rang and text her to much when she was first back, but I believe the reaction to be unjust. I certainly wasn’t stalking her. I just found it bizarre that we’d gone from “soul mates” to complete no contact in a couple of weeks.

I am certainly working on myself and specifically my depression. I am also exploring why I am co-dependent and why I am finding this relationship so hard to shake. I have learnt not to invalidate what she is saying, no matter how ludicrous it is to me. When she rang me last I apologised for the contact when we first broke up.

She does say she’s in a new relationship, and I have heard her talk about her new partner. So yes I am pretty sure she is happy with him right now. No posts on social media including him as of yet, also no posts of her out and about at new places. Found this a bit strange. When we used to go out to eat she would post an instagram story regardless if I was tagged or not. Maybe she’s trying to slow this relationship down? Maybe it’s not going so well? All speculation on my behalf.

We loved to go out to eat together, that was our main hobby, trying new restaurants. We also liked to plan trips travelling to different places, and we both enjoyed taking her mums dog on long walks. In our spare time we enjoyed a good old Netflix binge, and enjoyed playing quizzes together. I miss all that.

I am prepared to wait this new relationship out. I will also try to date myself. But I really would like a second go at our relationship one day, I feel we both messed it up but we were good together. Even if someone told me she’d be back in 5 years I would be relieved to know we would get another chance. Right now it just seems like wishful thinking.

I suppose the one thing I was looking for some outside guidance on was what happened about 3 weeks ago. She had previously told me never to speak to her again… then she messages me asking to meet after work. After I ignored this message  I had a big threatening message talking about police and HR and how I was hanging around her. This to me came completely out of the blue, it was a big shock for me because I had been religious with no contact. I was actually aiming for 60 days NC, then maybe thinking of reaching out. This happened on day 32/33 I think. Really set me back. Anyone know what kind of behaviours she was showing with asking me to meet? Then reacting like that when I ignored the message?

As for what do I like about her… She’s the smartest girl I’ve ever met, hits all of her goals with ease, lovely to be around and beautiful. The girl I was in the relationship was perfect for me. Just want another go.

Do I admit defeat here? Does it sound like this one is too hard to get back?

[BillyB13]

Been thinking a lot about her tonight (no different from any second of the day).

Some days I’m angry, some days I want her back more than anything but today… I feel so sorry for her.

I remember her constantly asking me “are you mad at me?” When I never was. I remember her being hurt when I jokingly said “you are an annoying passenger”. I remember her so clearly telling me how she apologises even if she didn’t understand. “I am sorry that what I did made you feel this way”.

This cold, angry, malicious girl is an act. I’ve seen the real vulnerable girl who is scared of confrontation.

I just wish I could hug her and tell her everything would be fine. I am not a monster, I am not out to get her, I am not her stalker. I love you, I care so much about you and I will not hurt you.

Will I ever get to say that?

[BillyB13]

It feels so incredibly weird to have someone you care so deeply about thinking that you are their enemy. I just want her to be happy.

[kells76]

Been thinking a lot about her tonight (no different from any second of the day).

Some days I’m angry, some days I want her back more than anything but today… I feel so sorry for her.

I remember her constantly asking me “are you mad at me?” When I never was. I remember her being hurt when I jokingly said “you are an annoying passenger”. I remember her so clearly telling me how she apologises even if she didn’t understand. “I am sorry that what I did made you feel this way”.

It's really painful when someone you love can't seem to understand that you love her. BPD is a real mental illness that has tragic effects on pwBPDs' emotional regulation, ability to process their own feelings, ability to understand feelings of others, and capacity for healthy relational intimacy. I think it makes a lot of sense that you'd feel sorry for her -- ultimately, so many of us here just wish that the pwBPD in our lives would heal. It's a good thing to want.

This cold, angry, malicious girl is an act. I’ve seen the real vulnerable girl who is scared of confrontation.

Something that can be difficult for us to wrap our heads around is that there isn't "the good one underneath it all". It's all her, and all part of the disorder, because she struggles to have, or does not have, a stable sense of self. One way of thinking about it is that she is her emotion of the moment. When she was cold and malicious, that was her, and when she seemed vulnerable, that was her. One wasn't more or less real than the other. That's what can be mind-bending about BPD.

To be in a relationship with a pwBPD is to be in a relationship with the entire person... not just "the good parts".

I can't remember -- have you taken a look at the article How a Borderline Relationship Evolves? I'd be curious if any of that seemed to apply to your relationship, especially the "good one/bad one" idea.

I just wish I could hug her and tell her everything would be fine. I am not a monster, I am not out to get her, I am not her stalker. I love you, I care so much about you and I will not hurt you.

Will I ever get to say that?

It might depend on what you mean. If you're hoping for a chance to say it no matter what the outcome is, then yeah, it's possible you'll get that opportunity.

If you're hoping that it gets through to her and she processes it the way you hope she processes it... that seems more dependent on whether she chooses to get meaningful, long-term treatment.

...

It feels so incredibly weird to have someone you care so deeply about thinking that you are their enemy. I just want her to be happy.

It is weird, and it sounds so hurtful for you. Wanting others to be healthy and happy is compassionate.

[BillyB13]

Thanks Kells76,

When we first broke up but were still speaking she said “if you think about it you cannot truly love me”, I was thinking I know I do, why is that so hard for her to work out?

I haven’t looked at that yet, but I will take a look now. I have researched BPD excessively for 3 months now, so do have some understandings of her disorder. I keep getting stuck trying to work out her thoughts though, I know I can’t but I still try.

I would still like to get this relationship back on the tracks. I don’t know if I will ever get the chance though as she went to the police. Didn’t press charges but went to the police. I also think she is scared to reach out now, last time she did (whilst threatening my job) I took it to HR. So she might think that she can’t reach out because I will go back to HR. I only did so because she was threatening to have me sacked, and I needed to protect myself. So now we could have two people both afraid to reach out to one another because of the consequences. I would like to test the waters, but the risk is too big.

I have a tough time ahead. This weekend I had booled a holiday for us to go to Rome for her birthday. I know she has now since booked to go with someone else, whether this is a friend, her mother or her new partner I don’t know. I hope it’s not her new partner, that would absolutely crush me.

Just want my girl back. Just want to love her.

[Augustine]

Any advice?

Yes:

Relationships rarely last, but the stigma from a criminal conviction based on a false allegation of stalking and/or abuse is permanent.

Don’t make this discovery.

As well, there is no relationship available to you that doesn’t carry with it a negative outcome.

Your  love for her will not translate into a permanent behavioural acquiescence on her part.

[BillyB13]

Hi Augustine,

I am not going to give her the chance to get a restraining order. I will have to wait it out and see if she will ever contact me.

I feel like we could be in a better position to have a relationship, now I understand BPD better and that I have worked on my issues.

Might be wishful thinking, but I want the chance to have a second go at it.

[BillyB13]

I wrote a list today of the terrible things my BPD exgf has put me through, maybe it was some sort of therapy, but I wanted to share.

1. Broke up with me via text message whilst on holiday
2. Broke up with me for the man I got told I did not need to worry about
3. Asked me to move out before she was back from holiday
4. Made false accusations to the police for stalking
5. Told HR about the police accusations she made
6. Turned work colleagues against me
7. Lied to people that I had threatened suicide
8. Lied to people that I moved into her apartment without her consent
9. Text me telling me she had a new boyfriend
10. Talked about her ex boyfriend with her friends whilst I was in the same room.

Do you know what I realised? I still love her, I still care deeply for her, I still want her back. I hate her illness.

[kells76]

I feel like we could be in a better position to have a relationship, now I understand BPD better and that I have worked on my issues.

Tell me a little more about that -- what would you say were your issues? What did it look like to work on them?

I wrote a list today of the terrible things my BPD exgf has put me through, maybe it was some sort of therapy, but I wanted to share.

1. Broke up with me via text message whilst on holiday
2. Broke up with me for the man I got told I did not need to worry about
3. Asked me to move out before she was back from holiday
4. Made false accusations to the police for stalking
5. Told HR about the police accusations she made
6. Turned work colleagues against me
7. Lied to people that I had threatened suicide
8. Lied to people that I moved into her apartment without her consent
9. Text me telling me she had a new boyfriend
10. Talked about her ex boyfriend with her friends whilst I was in the same room.

Do you know what I realised? I still love her, I still care deeply for her, I still want her back. I hate her illness.

Listing things out can sometimes bring clarity, or new perspectives.

If a friend of yours came to you and shared how his SO had done those things to him, how do you think you'd respond?

[BillyB13]

Sorry Kells, I don’t know how to quote on here, so will just reply to the questions.

Well I would argue my case quite a bit when she was upset about something, looking now I would remove myself and address it later, when the emotions have calmed. I also probably engulfed her, although she seemed happy at the time. But I think I would have let he lead the relationship a bit more in hindsight. I was very much directing the pace, where if I were to revisit I would let her direct the relationship. She had a great fear of being controlled (think it stems from strict upbringing) and I think at times I could trigger this. I see her a lot fighting herself - she was a loving, caring girl, who on her own thoughts started cooking for me each night. I never asked her to, but appreciated it all the same. She would then battle back to becoming a feminist, and saying she shouldn’t be cooking for a man every day. This is an example of what she was battling in her own mind, she felt like she was losing herself. Another example - she planned many of trips for my son. Lovely of her, I thought it was great. Later when we ended she accused me of wanting her to be my son’s new mother. Again not something I asked, but an internal struggle going on inside of her, created by her.

Oh I know I would tell a friend to run as fast as he/she could. I suppose it’s wishful thinking from me that I can only have the half of her I love back.

Anyway I don’t think it will happen, I am painted the blackest black. I will always care for her, but I will have to do it from a distance.

[BillyB13]

So I have an interesting development today. I myself have been diagnosed with BPD, after weeks of therapy and speaking to a psychiatrist. So that is me and my ex partner with BPD. I suppose I feel the abandonment and she feels the engulfment.

[PhoenixKnight]

How do you feel finding this out mate? Is this something which helps and enables you to understand yourself better?