Need advice—projection and now blocked

[Beegirl]

Hoping to get everyone’s thoughts here. My BPD and I have been dating a little less than 2 yrs. Recently, his behavior has become much worse, especially drinking, anger, and rage. A little over a week ago, he got so angry that he damaged things at my house. Watching him rage was really like watching a kid throwing a tantrum. Following this, he wasn’t remorseful, blamed me, and was treating me as though I was bothering him when I texted to try to discuss the situation. I stopped trying and we didn’t speak for a week, including over Valentine’s Day. Out of the blue, Friday evening, he texted  me four texts in a row. One didn’t make sense, it said “I’m glad….” The others were calling me a child and saying all I think about is myself. I took a while to think about responding. I waited until the next morning, and when I sent my reply, he had me blocked. I’m so confused…what did I do to deserve this? Typically after time has passed, he’s remorseful and misses me. And he’s never blocked me like this before like this. I’d appreciate any thoughts as to what is happening here, why he’s so angry, etc.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CC43]

Bee,

What you describe sounds like a classic BPD variant.  The person with BPD in my life will act the exact same way:  show out-of-control emotions in a fit of rage (an “adult tantrum”), followed by a period of blocking or withholding contact (an “adult time out”).  When contact is resumed, a loved one is accused of provoking the tantrum.  More often than not, the accusations will be a form of projection:  “You are acting like a child, want all the attention and only think about yourself!”  Rest assured, what he is describing is himself, not you.  I see this sort of projection frequently in the person with BPD in my life.  The preoccupation with child-like treatment is especially common.

In my case, I think the projection about childish treatment is because my loved one with BPD hasn’t achieved adult milestones (graduation, steady work, a romantic relationship, independence, etc.), and she is very distressed about that.  Her view of the world is colored by that distress, and it often comes out in accusations hurled at loved ones.

You might wonder, what did you do to provoke the tantrum?  The answer is, probably little to nothing.  We “walk on eggshells” trying to avoid triggering a tantrum, but with BPD, emotions are so dysregulated, it’s an almost impossible task.  I’ve observed that a tantrum might be provoked by an innocuous comment that was perceived as criticism, controlling, condescending or some other form of slight.  What’s really bothering the person with BPD might have absolutely nothing to do with that moment or comment.  In fact, I think there’s typically something else going on in their lives that “primes” them with a negative, overly sensitive attitude.  Maybe he quit a job and regrets it.  Maybe someone else got recognition that he wanted.  Maybe a friend had success, and he was jealous and felt inferior.  Maybe he felt he wasn’t getting enough attention.  Then his bad mood festers, and the feelings of inferiority or being slighted need to be released.  And you are the target; all that’s needed is a little excuse, and he’ll devise some reason to hurl his anger your way.

Does he blame all his problems on others, especially you?  It’s because he refuses to “adult” and take responsibility.  It may be an over-simplification, but I tend to see someone with BPD as someone with child-level emotions trying to deal with adult-level problems that they aren’t equipped to handle, without therapy.  So their behavior looks like that of an overgrown child.  I don’t mean to offend, I’m just trying to explain.  When I see it that way, it’s easier for me not to be “triggered” by her outrageous accusations and behaviors, and stay cooler and calmer.  And I let her take all the time outs she needs, because there’s no use talking with her when her emotions are out of control.

[Beegirl]

CC43,

You are scarily on target. Literally right before the argument, he got in trouble at work for making a judgment call he wasn’t qualified to make. He had just finished putting out those fires when he raged on me. The argument wasn’t even an argument on my end. I asked if he was willing to compromise on a date leaving for vacation. He wasn’t willing, so I left it at that. However, he began globalizing the argument and then threw an epic tantrum. Although I’d say he’s made it surprisingly far for his disordered personality, he was just commenting earlier in the week how he hasn’t made it far in life, had no savings, doesn’t own a home, drinks too much. So, he clearly was feeling bad already. What is surprising is how he’s dragged this out—not typical of him past a few days, especially the blocking. He’s only blocked me once, for a few hours. Everyone seems to think he will unblock, but I can’t imagine what he’d say when he reaches out. He’s been pretty awful this time. What does your pwBPD typically say when they unblock? How long do they normally stay away during their “tantrums?”  Thank you so much again….this is helpful beyond words!

[ForeverDad]

Recently, his behavior has become much worse, especially drinking, anger, and rage. A little over a week ago, he got so angry that he damaged things at my house. Watching him rage was really like watching a kid throwing a tantrum. Following this, he wasn’t remorseful, blamed me, and was treating me as though I was bothering him when I texted to try to discuss the situation.

There is no excuse for him to have damaged things at your house.  None.  You don't vent and then excuse breaking things.  I mean, if a neighbor had called the police, the police would have been inclined to arrest him.  Or at the least to cart him off to end the incident.

I know, I've "been there, done that".  Well, almost.  When I called the emergency line, two officers in two patrol cars responded.  Though I was the one who had called the police, they spoke more with her and then asked me to hand our preschooler over to her (the little tyke shrieked and refused to leave my arms) and "step away".  What kid won't go to his mother?  They took a long hard at me, one stated "work it out" and they left.  That incident imploded my marriage, starting first with a separation.

Police have one goal, to defuse the immediate incident.  Their solution is to separate the couple.  Later when I got a divorce attorney, a former policeman, he was shocked they didn't follow procedure and separate us at that time.  He said the man always gets carted away for the night, or even arrested.  He was perplexed why I wasn't carted off.

I'm not telling you what you should or should not have done then.  You were there, I wasn't.  But if early in a relationship there is an incident like you experienced, it's an indication that it may happen again.  There's a saying here, "If it's been threatened or even contemplated, then it will happen, given enough time.

The question is, will you see this as a wake up call?  Only you can answer that.  It's your decision, your judgment whether there is risk of this happening again.

Notice that I didn't even comment on his behavior afterward, blocking you as though it was your fault?  That too is a concern not to be overlooked or minimized.

[CC43]

Bee,

To answer your question about how long the "time outs" last, in the case with the pwBPD in my life, they usually last a few weeks.  I'm sorry to say that the silence is usually broken because she wants something from her dad--usually money, but sometimes other forms of help, like help signing a lease, getting insurance, etc.  Because this is a parent-child relationship, rather than a romantic one, your situation would probably look a bit different.

What I can say is that the pwBPD in my life will never apologize.  That's probably because in her mind, her rage is justified.  Her emotional brain will twist facts to make herself out to be a victim.  There's no arguing with "her truth."  Her rage was not out of proportion, in her mind.  And she wants retribution, no matter how misplaced that is.

Some experts say that "splitting," or understanding the world in black-and-white terms, is a feature of BPD.  To continue with my analogy, a black-and-white interpretation of the world is childish and simplistic.  A person with BPD will see others as either all good or all bad.  A day is either magnificent or the worst day ever.  I think this dichotomy especially exists within themselves.  When under stress, the emotional brain takes over in a person with BPD, and the emotional brain's default is to see things as black.  They can't seem to remember that some days are tough, that disagreements can happen, that they make mistakes, but that they can apologize and recover.  Their reactions default to "adult tantrums"; they haven't learned how to count to ten, think before speaking, or be reasoned or tactful in expressing dissatisfaction.  And their negativity can turn viciously inward.  They feel insecure.  They see themselves in all-black terms:  unsuccessful, not talented, with unsupportive friends, and a terrible family.  That train of thought must be depressing and debilitating.  If they're ruminating about how horrible they are and how horrible their life is, how can they even get on with the day, let alone maintain relationships and make decisions?  BPD can be truly debilitating, and it affects close relationships most profoundly.
 

[EyesUp]

@Bee,

@FD’s story might be boiled down to:
- property damage is one step away from physical abuse, assault/battery
- enforcing a boundary re: this sort of behavior, ie, calling for police intervention, is a real option if you’re in this situation again

You’re posting on the bettering board, and trying to make sense of the situation.  Maybe the first thing to explore is: knowing your own limits. 

We often have a tendency to hope for the best, or choose to think that the positives outweigh the negatives.  Do you feel that the tantrum was a one-off?  An exception?  Is there a chance you could discuss this openly with your partner?  How would he respond? 

It feels like answering these questions might help to shed some light on your feelings and how to proceed with bettering…

As the old saying goes, you can’t change someone else - you can only change yourself.  This is like 1000% more true when BPD is in the mix. 

So - What can you change?

[Beegirl]

What I can say is that the pwBPD in my life will never apologize.  That's probably because in her mind, her rage is justified.  Her emotional brain will twist facts to make herself out to be a victim.  There's no arguing with "her truth."  Her rage was not out of proportion, in her mind.  And she wants retribution, no matter how misplaced that is.

Some experts say that "splitting," or understanding the world in black-and-white terms, is a feature of BPD.  To continue with my analogy, a black-and-white interpretation of the world is childish and simplistic.  A person with BPD will see others as either all good or all bad.  A day is either magnificent or the worst day ever.  I think this dichotomy especially exists within themselves.  When under stress, the emotional brain takes over in a person with BPD, and the emotional brain's default is to see things as black.  They can't seem to remember that some days are tough, that disagreements can happen, that they make mistakes, but that they can apologize and recover.  Their reactions default to "adult tantrums"; they haven't learned how to count to ten, think before speaking, or be reasoned or tactful in expressing dissatisfaction.  And their negativity can turn viciously inward.  They feel insecure.  They see themselves in all-black terms:  unsuccessful, not talented, with unsupportive friends, and a terrible family.  That train of thought must be depressing and debilitating.  If they're ruminating about how horrible they are and how horrible their life is, how can they even get on with the day, let alone maintain relationships and make decisions?  BPD can be truly debilitating, and it affects close relationships most profoundly.
 
[/quote]

CC43,

Thank you for the response. I was unblocked last Monday and he repeatedly asked me to come see him, saying he missed me. He said he was going through a difficult emotional time, and I apologized that I wasn't able to be there for him that day. We had a face-to-face talk the next day and he was able to state that he possibly gets too emotional about things, and that everything doesn't have to be the end of the world for him. I validated this, and agreed. The rest of the week seemed good; he wanted to be in constant contact with me. On Friday, he got extremely angry with me because I made a comment about him going out with friends. It wasn't that I was telling him not to, it was that I expressed confusion over the fact that he had formerly said he hated going out, did not enjoy being around anyone but me, etc. The recent change in behavior seemed odd (I know who he was going out with; it was harmless, I was just trying to have a conversation). It ended up being WWIII and he got so angry that he spent the rest of the evening spewing awful things at me. Saturday morning began with him wanting to break up with me, and ending with him asking me to come over. I did; it was mostly good, but then he got angry at me again for a small perceived slight. I ended up leaving his home and he immediately expressed remorse and got pretty down on himself, saying he didn't blame me for wanting to leave and for feeling how I did. Along with what you have said about painting black, he called himself "unsuccessful, lazy, negative, and a drunk." I proceeded to try to point out to him all of the great things I do that go unrecognized, so that he would try to see how much I care, validate that I am a good girlfriend, etc. However, it had the complete opposite effect--he told me that he felt all I do is hold things over his head, tell him all the things he isn't doing, and all I do is "whine and complain" and we always argue because of me. He stated that he never wanted to be with me again, that he was "confident" that he didn't need me or want the relationship anymore. I told him that was fine; he didn't have to hear from me again. This seemed to trigger him--he ended up nastily telling me to "go be someone else's headache." This was almost 5 hours ago and he never reached out to apologize, calm down, etc. It is really difficult to not be able to communicate at all without causing extreme anger in him. I am again painted black and it feels very lonely and difficult. Practically, I know that this is a part of the disorder, but I still cannot logically understand how two days ago, he was talking about wanting to move in with me, and now he totally has no interest in speaking with me, broke up with me, and is making me the cause of his anger and all of his problems. This is the part that I don't understand (and could help me cope)...he pushes me away so often that it does not seem that he fears abandonment.

[tina7868]

Thank you for the response. I was unblocked last Monday and he repeatedly asked me to come see him, saying he missed me. He said he was going through a difficult emotional time, and I apologized that I wasn't able to be there for him that day. We had a face-to-face talk the next day and he was able to state that he possibly gets too emotional about things, and that everything doesn't have to be the end of the world for him. I validated this, and agreed. The rest of the week seemed good; he wanted to be in constant contact with me. On Friday, he got extremely angry with me because I made a comment about him going out with friends. It wasn't that I was telling him not to, it was that I expressed confusion over the fact that he had formerly said he hated going out, did not enjoy being around anyone but me, etc. The recent change in behavior seemed odd (I know who he was going out with; it was harmless, I was just trying to have a conversation). It ended up being WWIII and he got so angry that he spent the rest of the evening spewing awful things at me. Saturday morning began with him wanting to break up with me, and ending with him asking me to come over. I did; it was mostly good, but then he got angry at me again for a small perceived slight. I ended up leaving his home and he immediately expressed remorse and got pretty down on himself, saying he didn't blame me for wanting to leave and for feeling how I did. Along with what you have said about painting black, he called himself "unsuccessful, lazy, negative, and a drunk." I proceeded to try to point out to him all of the great things I do that go unrecognized, so that he would try to see how much I care, validate that I am a good girlfriend, etc. However, it had the complete opposite effect--he told me that he felt all I do is hold things over his head, tell him all the things he isn't doing, and all I do is "whine and complain" and we always argue because of me. He stated that he never wanted to be with me again, that he was "confident" that he didn't need me or want the relationship anymore. I told him that was fine; he didn't have to hear from me again. This seemed to trigger him--he ended up nastily telling me to "go be someone else's headache." This was almost 5 hours ago and he never reached out to apologize, calm down, etc. It is really difficult to not be able to communicate at all without causing extreme anger in him. I am again painted black and it feels very lonely and difficult. Practically, I know that this is a part of the disorder, but I still cannot logically understand how two days ago, he was talking about wanting to move in with me, and now he totally has no interest in speaking with me, broke up with me, and is making me the cause of his anger and all of his problems. This is the part that I don't understand (and could help me cope)...he pushes me away so often that it does not seem that he fears abandonment.

Hi Beegirl! In your above response, it seems like there is a pattern that goes something like this:

He wants to see you, praises you, wants to be close to you, seems reflective about his actions and how they affect you.

You make a comment, or bring up a topic, that triggers him.

He changes his tone, becomes angry.

You both argue.

He shuts you out (by going silent).

And then the pattern repeats.
...

Do you agree with this simplification? Anything you`d change to make it closer to your experience?

As other members have mentioned, you can only change yourself. Although at times uncomfortable, doing work on yourself will put you in a better position in order to respond to situations that arise, instead of being reactive and dependent on the waves of emotions that your partner experiences.

Have you had a chance to consider exploring what your limits are? I have found this post very helpful : https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0 .

[Beegirl]

Tina7868,

This is the exact pattern. Except this time, he has decided that I am the source of all his problems: his anger, his drinking, his stress. He broke up with me yesterday because of this. He says he needed space because I’m the one that triggers his anger. All of the support I’ve given…it just feels like such a slap in the face. I’m not reaching out to him, but I feel hurt that he sees me as the problem and just wants me out of his life.

[ForeverDad]

Some might be inclined to temporize, "it's not him, it's the [disorder, disease, etc]".

But the reality is that this is him.  It's not like you can choose the good guy and tell the bad guy to go away.  He is both.  Yes, it sucks, but that is the reality.

Is there any hope?  Yes, if he gets help in therapy, though many can't or won't do it.  Unless and until he devotes himself to meaningful therapy long term, not just a few sessions, and really does make substantive improvement then what you see now - both the good and the bad - is what you get.

This is similar to when some of our new members with likely BPD spouses initially say, "He/she is a good father/mother but..." then we have to enlighten them that the other person is most certainly *not* good if part of the time they're causing conflict, displaying substantively poor behaviors or even being abusive.

The above suggestions such as to work on yourself and your communication skills and other facets of our own live is helpful  But the lion's share of responsibility lies with the other person.  Will he truly improve his perceptions and behavior?

Why do I mention therapy?  Why a professional, don't you know him best?  Why would professional or other respected person succeed where you can't?  First, the trained professionals know they need to avoid emotional interactions for progress.  Second, you have a history of the emotional relationship and he probably can't jump the hurdle of the past emotional baggage of the relationship to actually listen to you without his emotions and moods getting in the way.

BPD is often described as an emotional dysregulation disorder.

[Beegirl]

Super Dad,

Thank you for these comments. Everyone keeps telling me that none of this will make any sense because he’s Borderline. But, my mind is still trying. He’s convinced that I’m the source of all the problems in the relationship and that’s why he broke up with me. He told me that he lost interest in trying and is disengaged. Because of this, he said he needed space but would reach out. I bent over backwards to support him, only to be told I’m the problem. It’s only been two days and it feels like an eternity. I don’t understand how he doesn’t miss me. We ended the conversation on good terms. He said he loved me, but needed to be alone right now. What I do know is that I need to get out of this funk. My friends are tired of hearing about this and watching me go through it. Therapy seems to only be minimally helping. I’m exhausted, not eating right, etc. I’m trying to be patient with myself, but this is getting tiring. I just wish I could walk away once and for all and not look back.

[EyesUp]

I just wish I could walk away once and for all and not look back.

@Beegirl - We also have the "conflicted" and "detaching" boards...  Personally, I tend to participate a bit more on those boards and would respond differently there than here. You may receive different feedback from people who are going through similar circumstances, or who are already on the other side of it...

Feel free to start a thread there if you'd like, or keep this one going - we're here for you either way...

[ForeverDad]

What I do know is that I need to get out of this funk. My friends are tired of hearing about this and watching me go through it. Therapy seems to only be minimally helping. I’m exhausted, not eating right, etc. I’m trying to be patient with myself, but this is getting tiring. I just wish I could walk away once and for all and not look back.

Recovery is a process, not an event.

Give it time.  Meanwhile, keep slogging forward.  The first steps are the hardest, and as you continue on the better path, it will get easier.  If you feel a relapse developing, don't let it go too far, seek out counsel and support.  It may feel like one step forward and two steps backward but with effort it can become two steps forward with only one brief step backward. 

Therapy will help more over time. So will posting here and 'picking our brains'.  We have a wealth of collective wisdom in peer support to share.  We've "been there, done that".

[Beegirl]

Hello everyone,

Since my last post, after my BPD said he needed space at the end of Feb, he contacted me six days later. I took time to think about responding (24 hours), and this angered him. My reasoning for waiting is that I did not want to put myself out there, only for him to say he was just checking in, but did not want to get back together (he hasn't done this before, but could see him playing this tactic). He was drinking heavily and accused me of cheating on him for over 24 hours via text. He was in a bad way, vacillating between insulting me and himself. He even made comments about not wanting to live anymore. The next day, I visited him. It went well overall, but he started drinking heavily after I left. He made some additional comments that seemed worrisome about his emotional state after starting drinking. By the night, he was texting me horrible insults. It got so bad I showed my mother, and she sent him a text telling him how abusive he was--this was in hopes that it would be a wake up call. The result did seem to be a wake up call, as he stated that he was so drunk, he blacked out and did not know what he was saying. He ended up calling me 57 times, texting profusely, saying I deserve better, he wants to make more of a commitment, pleading for another chance, telling me that the things he says are about his "inner pain" and not about me. I gave him another chance, and he came to my home and stayed for four days. He acted committed and talked excessively about plans for the future--including moving in and children. He went as far as to plan where his furniture and plants would go in my home, as well as talk about names for our future child. The day he was leaving, he started getting agitated about my stress over how much work I had to do on that Sunday. He wasn't kind--stating that my daughter was spoiled and she needed to help out more so that I wouldn't be as stressed (keep in mind that my daughter is 9). While I validated and understood what he was saying, he kept going on and on about it, to the point that he was raising his voice. He left angry, but we eventually (I thought) came to an understanding about the issue by the end of the evening. The next day, he was like a different person. He returned to the issue, stating that he did not agree, was not excited to speak with me today, and stated that I was a miserable person and he did not want to text that day. I was hurt, but even more so because he had just promised to treat me better, be different etc. I took some time away from the conversation (24 hours), which I thought was good for both of us to take time to re-assess the situation. Instead, this angered him. He ended up breaking up with me, telling me that I was "needy" and I will always "whine and complain" about everything. He also said that he was different this weekend and made amazing "changes," but I will always be the same--essentially blaming me for the demise of the relationship. He made all the same comments as he usually does when he leaves (I am done, I am leaving, this is finished, we are broken up, we don't work). He also made comments that he felt trapped (engulfment?), when he was just talking about our future two days earlier. When I tried to express my confusion that he was just talking about a baby two days earlier, he told me I was "crazy" to think he would have a baby with me and blocked me.  I expected him to calm down relatively quickly--especially after the incident with him hurling insults a week earlier. No such luck...today is day 9 and I haven't heard a peep. Usually, he will text me with a drunk insult, and he hardly lets a weekend pass without contacting me, for fear I am with someone else (no grounds for him to think this, but still). But nothing this time. What do you all think is happening for him? Why doesn't he miss me after us spending such an intense weekend together, making plans etc.? Is he even thinking of me? We have been together for almost two years and I don't get how he can just check out like this---especially as we get closer as time goes on. He didn't even have any care or concern he would be leaving my daughter without explanation (they say I love you to each other). Do you think he will still reach out? He always does, but I am not sure what is going on with him. I am having such a hard time coping this turn, as we just came off this blissful weekend of promises, only for him to bail. Thoughts??

[Beegirl]

I also forgot to add that it appears I am now unblocked, although he hasn't reached out.

[Pook075]

What do you all think is happening for him? Why doesn't he miss me after us spending such an intense weekend together, making plans etc.? Is he even thinking of me?

Hey Bee, let me talk this out from his side for a moment, to give you a preview of what's happening.

He probably wants to be with you, and he does think about you.  But at the same time, mental illness has him searching every possible nook and cranny of his mind for reasons you're going to abandon him, break his heart, ruin everything.  He becomes so hyper-focused on inventing a problem that logic is abandoned as he relies on his spiraling emotions- fear, jealousy, rage, depression, heartbreak...all at once.  He essentially breaks under the stress and pressure.

So what's the truth?  Well, everything....it's all true in the moment.  But because he's unstable, his truth could change minute by minute.  He can't accept that he's a wrecking ball of emotional drama so he continues searching for the problem, and it must be the people closest to him in his life.  So you're the problem, you're doing this because you don't understand and you don't love him enough to save him from <insert emotional nonsense>.

In his mind, it makes sense and he's speaking his "truth", even though it has nothing to do with reality.  I hope that helps!

[Beegirl]

Pook075,

Thank you this is helpful. I just tried texting him (I've never reached out after he breaks things off, but it was about an important matter), and just realized I am still blocked. It has been 9 days and I am still blocked. I just went into panic mode, as he has never done this. He has always needed me in some way and his blocking tells me he really no longer needs me or cares. Am I correct in assuming this? What is happening...I am really freaking out right now.

[ForeverDad]

Alcoholism is an issue too and cannot be ignored.

he stated that he was so drunk, he blacked out and did not know what he was saying.

Which comes first, addressing Borderline-ish traits or addressing Alcoholism?  I don't know.  Both?

[Beegirl]

Alcoholism is an issue too and cannot be ignored.
Which comes first, addressing Borderline-ish traits or addressing Alcoholism?  I don't know.  Both?

Forever Dad,

Good question, as I think they both feed off of one another. There have been plenty of times when he isn't drinking and he was just as rage-filled as when drinking. I have had time to reflect on his behavior since he still isn't talking to me (it's been 14 days), and I just really feel as though the drinking has intensified over the past year. There really isn't a time where alcohol isn't in his system for long periods of time at this point. I do know that he supposedly went 14 days without drinking when we broke up after Christmas and he reached out to me very clear-headed, with several reflections on his role in the relationship during this time. He has not reached back out following this breakup, so I am not sure whether he is at the bottom of the bottle still, or whether he is on a healthy track. Regardless of both feeding off one another, I think the alcoholism needs to be treated first, so the severity of the BPD/Cluster B stuff can be seen more clearly. Regardless, I do miss him very much and it appears he is not missing me....

[EyesUp]

Regardless, I do miss him very much and it appears he is not missing me....

@Beegirl,

I hear you, and I know that feeling of missing someone too well.  I think we all do!

Real talk:   When you say "it appears that he is not missing me" it suggests that you're concerned about what he's thinking/feeling about you.  The question is:  Is your emphasis on him - or you?

I think you know, we can only truly know our own thoughts. You know you're missing him.

Suggestion: Focus on that. Don't worry about what he is or isn't thinking, or feeling. Focus on yourself. Why are you missing him? What are you missing, specifically? Is it something that is truly unique or special to him? Or something a bit more general that occurred with him?  On the other hand, what are some concerns?  How are you going to address the concerns, and avoid repeating the patterns that were already discussed?  Or do you accept those patterns?

I know you're hurting now.  You want to be unblocked.  Based on everything you've shared, I bet you'll get your wish as the cycle repeats...  the questions are: When? What will you do? And - maybe most importantly - Is it fair that you have to even consider these questions?  Is there any chance to change this?

OK!  That's a lot of questions.

Hang in there.