Hi Lgbpdwife and
My husband of 15 yrs was just recently diagnosed but previously diagnosed with cPTSD and major depression. Throughout our relationship, he’s always been easily triggered by me- if I raise my voice slightly when excited, when I talk with my hands, walk too loud, move too quickly, etc.. for years, I’ve tried to adjust but he seems to just get more and more sensitive and it seems to be intolerable to him when he’s depressed.
In my experience with the BPD loved ones in my life (mother, several gfs, FIL, et al), what I’ve come to believe is that people with BPD (pwBPD) sometimes walk into situations emotionally charged and are looking for an excuse to discharge their emotion. Often we end up being the lightning rod for their disordered emotions.
For instance, I have distinct recollection of occasions when my uBPD mother would approach me in a casual manner and start bringing up topics/personal issues that would rile me up (eg, am I gaining weight? Am I procrastinating on some responsibility or another, etc) which in my early life I just interpreted it as her “nagging” me trying to motivate me.
Later when I was more aware of BPD behaviors, I’d since realized that on those occasions, she was looking for me to pick a fight, or to provoke an emotional response out of me. If I took the bait and reacted to her provocations, I’d end up being upset at her, and she’d get upset also. Nothing productive would ever come out of those interactions. Except, that she’d have a pretty valid excuse for being upset.
In retrospect, I think on those occasions, she was already upset to begin with. She was maybe upset about something she couldn’t come to terms with, something she was not emotionally equipped to work out (being disordered, that can happen often). Getting into an argument with me might have been a kind of outlet for her. And if she had an excuse to devalue me, she might have spared herself some self-devaluation as well.
My suggestion is don’t necessarily dismiss your husband’s issue with your “triggering” behaviors, but don’t work too hard to change your behavior as a means of avoiding his ire; you might find that no matter how hard you work at it, you never seem to be able to prevent these episodes. They always seem find *something* to take issue with.
Rather, accept that he is upset. Acknowledge that he is upset (ie, validate his emotions). But don’t necessarily accept that you are the cause for why he is upset. Something like, “hey, you don’t look so happy, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. When I do such as such, I don’t mean to upset you. Maybe you can do such-and-such to feel better about things.”
The bottom line is that because of his disorder, he’s going to experience disordered emotions. You can’t cure him of his disordered feelings by changing your behavior — your behavior is not the cause for his disorder. There is a possibility that he *needs* to think that you are the cause (ie, he can’t accept his own issues) — though he might not be able to tolerate that possibility because he would end up devaluing himself. So he *has* to blame you. You need to know better — you are not the cause for his disorder.
He’s been in therapy for years but it has not seemed to make a difference. Please tell me someone here has been through something similar and has suggestions?
My suggestion is get support for yourself as well. He has a therapist. Why don’t you get one as well. He may need to believe that you are the cause of his disordered feelings; you need to have your own perspective validated and support as well. Maybe on some occasions, you can adjust your behaviors. But chances are, you are not behavior inappropriately and it would hurt to be validated as such.
Best wishes,
Schwing
