>Bpd support- venting

[Northern1]

My spouse has bpd and other characteristics. I thought that I was being loyal and a good wife by keeping his behavior undisclosed. In the past I have been yelled at, lectured ( for hours) and told multiple times that I am a bad wife. Over the years his mental health has weathered my self esteem and outlook on life as I used to be care free and positive.

Everything is his idea. If something good happens to me, it’s because he came up with it. If another person gives me good advice he gets super angry because I “idealize” them and not him, as he told me first.

The house is afraid of his anger. He gets so mad and upset about everything. My son told me that he, his sister and I are all afraid of him. A couple weeks ago (Jan 14) my husband and I got into an argument about a suggestion I made about going to church late. So my husband is trying to raise my son as a gentleman by allowing my son to let his sister and I get a seat in the row first. But the issue was when we are late I suggested he let my son go in first (my husband wants the ladies in the middle and the guys on the end). I suggested we let our son in the pew first because when we’re late there are many people we have to walk over to just sit down. I thought it was a suggestion but he took this as a challenge of his manhood. He started getting louder and louder. Then got up telling me I don’t have an opinion and what he says goes! Then he diverts the conversation to how much I love my phone more than him, so then he proceeds to grab my phone to throw it. However, I end up hiding it in my pants. He then takes me and starts pushing me on the ground multiple times. So much I end up hurting my wrist (to this day I wear a brace for it). He then proceeds to threaten to break my laptop if I don’t agree with him that I am a liar. The kids hear him yelling at me over and over and him telling me that he could get a new wife. My son then later tells me that he went downstairs to cut himself because he was so sad.

Isolated. I am the only one that works. I went to med school and finished and he often throws in my face that he took care of the kids while I was finishing school wherefore, I owe him. So my family saw him for who he was and he got angry. One time he said “well your family doesn’t like me, why do you still talk to them?” We then moved out of town for him to start a business or because he was there for me by taking care of kids while in school, then I now had to help him by moving out of town (another state) to help him with his business. We are now out of town and yet I am still the only one working and he “talks” about opening a business but never follows through.

He spends all the money. So I get paid weekly and every week I am down to nothing and I make really good money. He’s always ordering something or making good arguments why the kids need a game system (which they don’t even play), how they need bikes and how he needs shoes etc..Every time I bring up the budget he gets angry. One year he took our money ($3000) and took a solo trip to Florida to get a “pee shot” (this enlarges private area). I was soo confused because he didn't even need it and he did this randomly without my knowledge until he got there and finished the procedure. That year we were behind in all our bills and wasted it on that, without even talking to me first. Now, he wants money to fund his annual guys trip.

His outbursts are cyclic. But triggered. One time he got triggered because I put my keys on the wall as I normally do when I walk-in the house (so I don’t lose them), so one day he zeroed in on those keys and asked me, “ you see something wrong?” I said, “no, what?” He says, “ you put your keys on the first hook, mine should go first because I am the head, then yours should go last.” I felt so belittled and confused. We had legit arguments over the keys which I had been doing for over 2 years prior.

Sorry for the long post but I had to get some of this out. These are just a few things that have been going on behind the scenes. If I were to tell my family, they would come out to get my kids and I. I am trying to be a supportive wife and get him the help he needs because I would not like for our family unit to be broken, but I fear it will soon if he doesn’t get the help. Please if there is any advice to coping with this mental illness, I would love to hear it.

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[CC43]

Northern,

I'm so sorry for your struggles with your husband.  He sounds like a controlling bully, and it sounds to me like he's very depressed.

When I read your post, the underlying theme seemed to be about your husband's feelings of inferiority.  It seems to me that his masculinity is challenged.  He's angered by seemingly insignificant signs of slighting his manhood (pew seating order, key location).  He spends money to enhance his manhood.  He wants to go on a guy retreat, even though he can't afford one.

I bet he's extremely resentful that you are the breadwinner, and he can't abide that his contributions are confined to within the household.  He doesn't have adequate social status.  Rather than get a job or start a business, he's resigned to taking his resentment out on you.  He probably feels a lack of control, and he seeks to control you (like telling you where to sit, where to put your belongings, etc.).  I find that my husband tries to exert control over me whenever he's feeling a lack of control in his life.  I can practically chart his moods by his controlling behaviors.  If my husband can't control what I do (because that would be absurd), then he resorts to controlling when I do it.  So he won't forbid me to make dinner, but he'll forbid me to do the dishes afterwards; he wants me to do them in the morning, just to exert power over me.  I'm pointing this out so you can recognize the behavior.

Is your husband seeking therapy?  I bet he's not, because that might hurt his sense of manhood.  But he might benefit from doing more activities outside the home to boost his confidence and his mood.  Look, starting a business is tough for even the most talented and dedicated people, especially if they haven't worked recently--their connection to the marketplace of potential business ideas, partners, customers and employees is weak, and daily working habits are probably rusty.  That you're living in an unfamiliar town makes starting a business even more daunting.  Maybe your husband feels even worse because he realizes that he failed at starting a business, and he's let his family down.  But starting one's own business sounds more glamorous that it really is.

So why doesn't your husband get a job, even if it's part-time?  Getting out of the house, interacting with other men, making some money and having a routine could improve his outlook.  A job at a place like Home Depot might pique his interest. Maybe he could be a driver, if he enjoys driving.  Another alternative is to volunteer, especially with a group of other men.  Perhaps there is something he could do with veterans, cars, planes, sports, or building or fixing things--typically "manly" pursuits.  Working or volunteering would also reduce his relentless, negative focus on you!  You could bring up ideas like these, but be sure not to tell him what to do; try to make it sound like he came up with the idea.  For example, you could invite him to join you on a church outing that helps veterans.  You strike up a conversation with the event organizer and ask about what he's doing.  You comment to your husband, "It seems he's enjoying helping out these veterans; maybe we could lend a hand sometime?  You would be great at that, and you're really good with computers."  If you keep going out and having these conversations, I think eventually your husband might make a friend or find something of interest.  If he's "stuck" at home, it might seem impossible to get out of his rut.  So you might need to nudge him in the right direction, without making it seem like you're controlling him.  I know it sounds manipulative, but his ego is probably getting in his own way.

[anon331312]

> Sorry for the long post but I had to get some of this out. These are just a few things that have been going on behind the scenes. If I were to tell my family, they would come out to get my kids and I. I am trying to be a supportive wife and get him the help he needs because I would not like for our family unit to be broken, but I fear it will soon if he doesn’t get the help. Please if there is any advice to coping with this mental illness, I would love to hear it.

Based on your description, your partner is a classical example of an abuser. He engages in domestic violence, devalues you, flints all the money, and traumatizes your kids.

While you are doing your part to keep the family together, here are some factors to consider:
(1) Is this an environment you want your kids to grow up in? Domestic abuse can affect the mental development of kids and in turn result in consequences in the future. You mentioned your kid already self-harmed. That's an extreme symptom of trauma. I would worry about them developing otherwise avoidable PD's that will linger into their adult lives.
(2) Do you want to be with your partner for the rest of your life? BPD is usually a life sentence. Unless your partner is eager to be treated, he will likely not get better on his own. Even though you may want to save him, he is ultimately responsible for fixing himself
(3) Do you feel you are at risk of physical harm? Domestic violence is usually not a one-off phenomenon
(4) Have you considered therapy for your family? You and your kids would benefit from counselling that allows for a professional to lend an ear and offer advice. Your partner most definitely could use therapy (separately) but you'll need to be careful about such conversations with him.

Also, this is a book about BPD most of us here have heard of or read. Hope that helps with either providing you additional insight to navigate your situation or at least comfort your pain somewhat: https://www.amazon.ca/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality-ebook/dp/B084JTQZZX/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

[thankful person]

Hi northern 1,

Welcome to bpd family. I am sure  you will find some of the advice here useful. It has certainly helped me to feel less alone being part of this community. It’s incredible to realise how common our experiences are. Before I joined a few years ago, I felt like the only person who had ever had such a bad controlling relationship. I am in a lesbian marriage, my wife has carried and birthed our 3 small children. I have learnt to better stand up for myself and do things I want to do, as well as helping her to feel heard by validating her feelings, where I used to just call her out on being ridiculous all the time. I made a lot of progress initially but it’s been a difficult few years with her raising the kids while I’m at work, she’s bored and depressed and lonely, and spending money quicker than I can earn it. She is jealous of everything about me, my family, friends, work, hobbies, relationships with our kids.. and even little things like the accomplishment I get from things like doing housework. I also fear for my children’s mental health with my wife’s rage and shouting. Sometimes we have good days but I’m generally fed up with being told I’m not good enough, but don’t want us to split because I want us to both be there for our kids as they grow up. Honestly I’d be happy for us to live together not as partners because I feel I’m over it and never want another partner after this. But of course she’s not having that and just wants to feel loved, supported, wanted and desired. And does not realise that I can’t seem to make her feel anything.