Bad and hypochondria

[Parents! Get help here!]

My 56 year old daughter has bpd and is a hypochondriac.  For the last 35 years it has been non stop.  I think she may actually have some diagnosed physical problems now but I just can’t go on any more.  I am 77, I’ve been on anti anxiety meds for the last 20 years, which have helped me deal with her to some degree.  I’ve been there for her emotionally and financially.  What do I say to her to make her stop burdening me?  It seems like a stupid question but I am at my wits end.  Thank you, Rose

[rosie0523]

My 56 year old daughter has bpd and is a hypochondriac.  For the last 35 years it has been non stop.  I think she may actually have some diagnosed physical problems now but I just can’t go on any more.  I am 77, I’ve been on anti anxiety meds for the last 20 years, which have helped me deal with her to some degree.  I’ve been there for her emotionally and financially.  What do I say to her to make her stop burdening me?  It seems like a stupid question but I am at my wits end.  Thank you, Rose

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hello and

35 years of non-stop BPD behaviors sounds exhausting. I don't think anyone would want interactions to keep going on like that 

Does your D56 live with you? Anyone else live with you (spouse, etc)?

One of the most freeing (and also most uncomfortable) things to learn about coping with a pwBPD is that we actually have a lot of power to make changes in the dynamic, by changing ourselves and our choices. It can be frightening -- change is hard, and uncomfortable things can happen -- but finding out that actually, we don't have to convince them, we don't have to "find the right words to get through", we don't have to make them agree or think our choices are good ideas -- it can be a relief. Learning about true boundaries is part of that.

What would be your biggest fear if you chose to stop giving so much (whether emotionally, financially, or both) to D56?

[rosie0523]

My first and most serious fear is that she will become homeless.my husband and I are retired.  We bought her a nice comfortable condo, she pays us minimal rent and when we’re gone it will be hers, unencumbered.  Her boyfriend lived with her for several years, wouldn’t work or pay towards the rent.  Two years ago we paid him to move out.  Now she says she is so ill that she needs him to live with her, that she wants to reduce her work days because she is in so much pain.  My husband says he’ll sell the condo if the boyfriend moves back.  This is chaos number 3,567 within the last 35 years or so. (I did make up that number, but it has to be close). 

[Notwendy]

Rosie- after 56 years, I think you can see the outcome of your efforts to help your daughter. I have also observed this from the perspective of having an elderly mother with BPD.

If not for my father's financial support, I don't know what situation my BPD mother would be in. She is incapable of managing a job or her own day to day tasks. She may be a legal adult but has the emotional age of a child.

In her elder years, she does have some physical issues but overall, her physical health has been good. Mostly what I can recall though is that there seemed to be a "reason" for her issues that was expressed through some kind of physical problem. It's hard to know if the physical discomfort is real or emotional but I think it's how her emotions are processed.

This might sound odd to you but from what I have seen, my mother needs someone to take care of her in some way. It's an emotional need. I am assuming your H objects to the boyfriend living with her because he's not paying rent, but if he's a support person to her, that is a form of "earning" his rent. When my BPD mother is alone, her anxiety is extreme and so is her BPD behavior.

A source of disappointment for us was the expecation that my BPD mother should act like a responsible adult. It's difficult to understand why someone with normal intelligence just won't meet these expectations because they can "pull it together" in certain situations. However, for my mother, BPD is a serious impairment and understanding how this affects her has helped me to adjust my expectations while being careful to not be enabling.

I understand the concern about possible homelessness. My BPD mother is reckless with her spending. Because she is considered to be "legally competent" I can not intervene to prevent this behavior.

Your D is a legal adult. She's in charge of her own decisions and their consequences. There may be very little you can do to intervene and protect her. It seems that you have done a lot already. I hope you and your H can take some time to yourselves.

While the condo is an assurance to you that your D isn't going to be homeless for now, controlling who she lives with might be a source of constant conflict. Clearly your H has strong feelings about it but his contingency may be based on an expectation that your D can manage emotionally to live on her own and it's possible she can't do that.

[Sancho]

Hi Rosie0523
I understand your position as I am in a similar one. In particular I can relate to the fear of dd being homeless when I die.

For this reason I have left my dd a ‘Life Interest’ in a small apartment that I am purchasing for this reason. This means that my dd has the right to live there for her life time and then the property will go to her daughter.

You can place conditions on the use eg payment of rates and bills etc. But it is an amazing relief that there is a legal way of making sure my dd has a roof over her head for her lifetime!

My dd doesn’t know that I have set this up. But it is the only way. My dd just follows whoever she gets attention from and I am sure if I left her the place outright someone would convince her to sell it and all the money would be gone in a few months.

Could I suggest that you look into this idea? It is amazing how it relieves my anxiety knowing dd will have a roof over her head for the rest of her life and none of her ‘friends’ will be able to do anything about it.

I know there are current issues, but setting this up is a great first step to getting the longterm situation sorted.

[Notwendy]

Hi Rosie0523

You can place conditions on the use eg payment of rates and bills etc. But it is an amazing relief that there is a legal way of making sure my dd has a roof over her head for her lifetime!

My dd doesn’t know that I have set this up. But it is the only way. My dd just follows whoever she gets attention from and I am sure if I left her the place outright someone would convince her to sell it and all the money would be gone in a few months.

Could I suggest that you look into this idea? It is amazing how it relieves my anxiety knowing dd will have a roof over her head for the rest of her life and none of her ‘friends’ will be able to do anything about it.

I know there are current issues, but setting this up is a great first step to getting the longterm situation sorted.

This is a great idea. My father got ill in his elder years and passed away. I asked him to do something to protect the money that would go to my BPD mother because I didn't think she'd be responsible with it. He didn't or couldn't and all went to her.

She kept her financial information secret from us kids for a long time. We had no idea what she was doing with it. It was hers to do what she wanted to. She's elderly and needs assistance. I had the idea that if she ever needed to go to a care facility, we could sell their house and that could cover her care costs.

We found out accidentally ( found the papers at her house) that she had taken out a home equity loan. So her savings were gone and half the equity in the house by the time we found out. She remained there and it got to the point where we were concerned the bank would repossess it. She also needed assistance with daily tasks.

We moved her out of her house and into assisted living before the bank would have repossesed it. Sold the house and car for her and put any remaining funds in her bank account. Now, that money is almost gone too. She's been considered "legally competent" and so we have not been able to intervene.

I know people worry about leaving money to unreliable children but this has not been the situation with us kids- we would have sold the house and used it for her care needs. Instead, she trusts other people who have taken advantage of her.

I don't think my father would have been able to give us conrol of some of his assets due to marital property laws. However, if your grandaughter is reliable and responsible and you can do this- this is a good idea.

Dad did set up an annuity fund that provides some monthly income for BPD mother. BPD mother spends in excess of it. However, we are very grateful that he did this because some funds come in every month rather than be in savings that she has access to spend it all at once. This is also an idea to consider.