Hi Bassmaster2020,
Are there any success stories out there where a long lasting happy, fulfilling relationship with a BPD has been possible?
It might depend on how "success" and "fulfillment" are defined.
If "success" means "we went back to how things were at the start, where it was totally magical", then probably not. If "success" means "my partner has chosen to get help, is more or less stable, and I accept that my partner has emotional limitations", then yes, I've definitely heard success stories.
Same -- if "fulfillment" means "I now feel like my partner meets all my needs", then probably not. But if "fulfillment" means "I accept the relationship I'm in as it is, enjoy the good times, decline to participate in the bad times, and get some needs for emotional closeness met with friends, therapy, and family" then yes, it could be fulfilling.
Or do the all follow the same pattern. Extreme highs and the lowest of lows.
Where their partner becomes almost addicted to the cycle and only continues the relationship after a discard to turn off the pain caused by the BPD?
To me, that seems more dependent on the non partners "unhitching their wagon" from the "wild BPD horses". The pwBPD may continue to have wildly varying, intense, poorly managed emotions (though with treatment like DBT, that can change for the better) -- but it's 100% under the non partners' control whether they hop on that ride or not.
The highs and lows may happen, but our participation in the highs and lows is not somehow inevitable.
Is it inevitable that these relationships will never last and be filled with pain?
Nope, not necessarily. Each pwBPD is a different individual. Though some behaviors and traits can be so damaging (infidelity, turning the kids against the other parent, etc) that even with improvement on the non partner's side, the relationship can't heal, there have still been members here who have worked on themselves enough (and whose partners had workable-with-enough traits/behaviors) that the relationship was healthy enough and stable enough.
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What seems key is working on yourself, understanding your own personal values, and choosing a healthy direction for yourself because it's inherently healthy, not out of a desire to "make her see the light" or "I can't live without her".
Have you had a chance to read the
Success Stories sticky thread at the top of the list? Any of those stand out to you?
