Planning for divorce/ the kids

[CravingPeace]

I know there is another thread ongoing about telling the kids but I didn't want to hijack and as my situation is different I thought I would share it here.

Already we are planning to sell the house, and the kids are also due to start a new school (which they say they are onboard with) in the fall.

I am just really concerned about so much disruption for them at the same time, and then adding Divorce into it:

• New School
• Two houses
• Parents divorced

Kids are 5 and 8. They are moving school as some friends have gone there, it has excellent academic records, larger playing fields so more space for them to run around and it is public not private.
We are selling the house anyway due to the expense, but the kids think just to a slightly smaller house.

All in all we were attempting to downsize our bills to live more in our means and have some disposable income to invest/save etc.

But the relationship has been bad for a long time, a lot of emotional manipulation, occasional angry outbursts with profanities, a lot of criticism and need for arguments, sex cut off a decade ago etc. The house is not a healthy place for the kids or me, and although my wife accepts that she thinks it is just down to communication and everything can get better. I just don't agree.

So how do I navigate such disruption for them? I mean I could delay and stay longer so its not all such a shock, but the house needs selling, and I don't want to move to a new place with my wife. And the house is not a good place for the kids. Even though I refuse to argue now, it just gets my wife more resentful that I wont "resolve things and I walk away when things start getting heated".

Please help! It's going to be months away but it's one major thing holding me back and I just don't know how to approach it

Thank you

[EyesUp]

If you step back for a moment, most kids start a new school several times anyway:
- daycare / prek
- elementary school
- middle school
- high school

In my district, there are actually lower and upper elementary schools, for a 5th transition...

My point is:  Life is full of transitions, and school transitions are a practical and generally necessary learning experience for kids.  New teachers, new classmates... etc.  Minor transitions happen every year.

If you're changing school districts and your kids will lose / gain friends in the process, then consider how you might maintain some familiarity by keeping in touch with old friends, occasionally visiting favorite spots from the old district - playgrounds, etc.

Yes, it's great when you can provide continuity and stability during a divorce - but if new houses and schools are simply required, look to other factors that may offer continuity:  do your kids have a therapist?  Extended family that you can involve/include in weekend activities?  Get to know the old and new school counselors and give them a heads up re: what's happening at home. 

Ultimately, let the kids know that no matter what else changes, you will always love them and be there for them.

[CravingPeace]

Thank you that is very helpful advice

[livednlearned]

Often in families with high anxiety and tension, there are already signs one or more kids is having trouble adjusting. Are you seeing that in your kids yet?

Would your wife be willing to enroll the kids in therapy if they aren't already?

I'm heartened by a repeating refrain I keep hearing about how kids just need one sympathetic witness to help them through hard times. It's best if it's a parent, even better if it's a parent and other trusted adults (teachers, counselors, friends' parents, etc.).

The question then becomes how ok are you? I thought I was doing ok when I split from my son's father, but in retrospect I was a walking ball of anxiety that my son took to heart. He was looking for someone to lead him out of the nightmare we were in and I was so shook I didn't think to wonder what my son was seeing in me.

Even though it's directed at parents who have already split, Bill Eddy's book Don't Alienate the Kids has excellent advice about what to model for your kids so they can better surf through crisis and develop emotional resilience. Most of us who end up in these relationships either didn't learn this stuff or lost it along the way. It's good to have these skills period, and particularly if you know a disruption is on the horizon.

Another piece of advice that helped my son through the transition: emotional validation.

Parenting will change as your kids go through divorce. We often say well-intentioned things that unintentionally cause them to stuff how they feel where things often stay unresolved. Learn everything you can about emotional validation and make it second nature with your kids.

Power of Validation for Parents, I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better, Don't Alienate the Kids -- these are all great resources to help you prepare for disruption, and equally helpful for the challenges your kids likely already experience in the home. So win win regardless of what you decide to do.  

I would also develop a relationship with the new school's guidance counselor and/or family specialist. Your kids may act out and having that relationship in place can go a long way to help them help your kids if/when something flares up. When my son was in the heat of the divorce transition, the family specialist gave him a special pass so he could walk away from kids or leave the classroom at any time and come sit in her office. He could sit and doodle -- he didn't even need to talk. He could play a board game, he could stare at the walls, he could cry, whatever helped him deal with how he felt. It was a real blessing and made me realize how many allies we had. There are a lot of people who want nothing more than to help your family through these things.

[PeteWitsend]

I think divorce is scary for kids because it represents such a big unknown, and they worry about falling through the cracks. 

Reassure them about EVERYTHING.  Where they'll sleep, who picks them up from school, when they see mom and see dad, etc.  and of course that you love them and this kind of thing happens.

Tell the school counselor so they can help.  My kid's school had a really dedicated and sweet professional counselor who helped out.  Stay involved so you monitor for any issues.

As far as what to tell kids... telling them jointly with a pwBPD is fraught with peril... youre basically giving them a podium to air their grievances against you.  If you feel you must do it jointly, then come prepared with how you might handle just about anything they say.

A cautionary tale: one night BPDxw and I had our final talk about things (where I refused to take responsibility for her outburst and behavior), she said we were getting divorced then, and I said okay.  We agreed to tell our daughter together the next night, to reassure her and also so she wouldn't be stressed at school (she was 4 in a montessori program). 

Well... As it turned out, BPDxw woke my daughter up in the middle of the night THAT night, and told her I was leaving the family because I didn't want to be with her anymore.  And then in the morning, as I was backing out of the driveway to take my D  to school, BPDxw came out of the house screaming that I was a "snake" and I "ruined [her] life." 

[CravingPeace]

Thank you Petewitsend, I read some of your old posts and see a lot of similarity with my life.

But yet I can't stop the nagging doubts that maybe I am making it all worse than it is.

She seems so rationale and self aware when things are calm, but when they blow up she is the opposite , she has no idea what she is saying or thinking and everything is my fault. I don't "make her feel emotionally cared for", even though the facts and evidence point to the opposite in everything I do. But somehow she needs me to do something different to make her feel a certain way. She always points to "acts of service", but when I do those they are dismissed as just logistics.

I too have the issue where she makes it hard for my kids to see my mother. She has always had a problem with my mother it turns out, but a few years ago my mother did something unfair to my wife, and I backed my wife on it and told her I agreed. My mother accepted what she did was wrong, apologized sent cards, sent emails, tried to phone. Its been 3 years and my wife will not get over it , refuses to speak to my mother, and makes it really hard for my kids to see my mother. It's heart breaking. My wife says she doesn't want to stop the kids seeing her, but then wont let my mother in the house (we live in different countries), and won't let me take the kids to see my mother and family.

This is just one major issue I deal with, and yet when she is calm she seems reasonable, so I just find it so hard to make the final decision to go even though its a very unhappy marriage. Is it enough?! I mean the real verbal abuse only happens every three months or so when she completely melts down, so I think it's that infrequent should I just put up with it!

My wife's current thing is we just need to learn to communicate better, but I look at all the manipulation, negativity/victim stuff , passive aggressive behavior, silent treatment and think it must be more than that. But she does such a good job of looking like a calm rational person until the switch flips.

I guess I am just struggling with pulling away from the only real serious relationship I have known after 12 years marriage, and kids that would get hurt. Although I can see there acting out that they are already getting hurt. Eeek its hard.

[Gerda]

This is just one major issue I deal with, and yet when she is calm she seems reasonable, so I just find it so hard to make the final decision to go even though its a very unhappy marriage. Is it enough?! I mean the real verbal abuse only happens every three months or so when she completely melts down, so I think it's that infrequent should I just put up with it!
...

I guess I am just struggling with pulling away from the only real serious relationship I have known after 12 years marriage, and kids that would get hurt. Although I can see there acting out that they are already getting hurt. Eeek its hard.

Sounds like you're still not completely emotionally ready to divorce her.

My therapist had me read a book called Contemplating Divorce, which is not about abusive relationships, but is still about trying to decide whether to divorce someone. And I would say the advice could even apply to all kinds of other difficult decisions in life.

You say the abuse only happens once every three months, so maybe it's not that bad. The maximum amount of time my husband has gone without screaming at me since our daughter was born (4 years ago) was 6 weeks. And I still have my moments of doubt. But it's still kind of crazy to think something like, "Oh, he/she only abuses me a little bit, so that's ok." There are marriages where there is no abuse at all!

And there are people who divorce their spouses without even getting abused!